Excuse the Quality

Punny Titles

2012-01-20T19:48:00.008-06:00

So a year or so ago I started watching this little series of animation shorts called Blamimations. One of their running jokes was for the two characters to bounce ideas of one another and then having their set-ups lead into a punchline title. For example:

"Stephen Hawking gives up his life as a quantum physicist and uses his incredible mind to solve murders. It's called, A Brief History of Crime."
-Blam #9

Anyways, it got me started and from time to time I've tried my hand at making my own. So here is the collection of all the ones I've done so far.

12/08/2010
Armed with only a magical squirt gun, high schooler Jonas Salk must defeat the demon that crippled his girlfriend. It's called, Super Salker.

12/08/2010
It's a sitcom about depressed vampires. It's called, Sucks to be You.

01/19/2011
A dark comedy about a widowed man and a smart aleck bird. It's called That's so Raven...what do you mean that title's already been taken!? Damnit, Raven-Symone!

02/02/2011

Another dark comedy, but this time a novice beekeeper finds out his queen bee is actually a witch. It's called, BeeWitched.

It's a talk show where noteworthy curmudgeons come together to complain about the topic of the day. It's called, We Bitched.

03/06/2011
Meet Jane Eyre. A walking social disaster that has just landed her dream job as a Safety Inspector. Although a string of kooky clients generally keeps her pretty busy, she can't help but notice that something is strange about her new boss. Can she handle her life, her job, and a mystery? Coming this Fall it's, Eyre on the Side of Caution.

06/01/2011
Milo is a depressed gondolier living in Venice who's lost sight of life's beauty. That is until he comes across a mermaid who's wandered into the Venetian canals and together they discover the wonders of the city and of life. It's Splash meets Roman Holiday, it's called: Venice de Milo.

10/08/2011
A woman overcomes her drug addiction through mountain climbing. It's called, I'm So High.

10/08/2011
Children's Book Idea: Dino Sores: A Child's Guide to Epidemiology

10/08/2011
A group of students at a school for the blind team up to solve mysteries. It's called, No 'I' in Mystery.

10/09/2011
After 45 years working at the bucket factory 70 year old Walter Pail loses his job. With a sick wife to support, Walter desperately needs to find another job. However, no one will hire him because buckets are all he knows. With the bills mounting he's left with only one option: participate in a kickboxing tournament to try and win the grand prize. He's gonna kick ass or die trying. It's called, Kick Bucket!

10/22/2011
Jenni Takahashi is a sullen and introverted 13 year old. That is until she meets Gregory Zane, a young boy who was raised by Giraffes. With Gregory's help Jennie starts to learn what friendship is all about. It's called, Stick Your Neck Out.

10/26/2011
A motley crew of 5 elite fighters, each one missing one of the 5 major senses, team up to fight evil. It's called, Senseless Violence!

Dirk Shaughnessy is a bare-knuckled brawler who can FEEL no pain!

Clementine Jones is a sniper who's never HEARD the word "impossible".

Chad "Zato" Matsumoto is a weapons expert who has never SEEN a person he couldn't kill.

Larry Williams is a demolition expert who doesn't mind the SMELL of blood.

and Noelle Durand is a former circus performer who has never had a TASTE for killing...but that won't stop her from doing it anyway.

11/04/2011
After all the master wizards of the world have been defeated by a fearsome demon the only one left to face it is an incompetent wizard-in-training named Peasly. Clearly outmatched Peasly uses the only spell he can think of and ends up accidentally trapping the demon in his bladder. Can he hold it in until he can figure out a way to defeat the demon? And can he do it while the demon whispers not-so-sweet flushings in his ear? Find out in: You Gotta Go.

12/05/2011
Matokai Jun is an intelligent, but socially awkward high school freshman. She'd rather just fly under the radar, but that's hard to do when you've just found a magical pair of shoes that can turn you into a monster. Especially when people with similar powers start showing up. Ones who aren't so inclined to lie low. It's “怪洵後-ハイ”! [Kaijun Kou-High]

12/05/2011
When all the senior members of Sen's high school math club graduate, they leave her in charge. Why? Because she's incredibly smart, spirited, tenacious...and the only one left. Now it's up to her to revitalize the club to its former glory, but first she's gonna need to get some other members. It's “千π”! [Sen Pi]

1/15/2012
Chuck was just an average grunt at a local McFly's franchise. That is, until the day he was exposed to a contaminated tub of chicken wings and transformed into a chicken! Sure it wasn't long before he returned back to normal, but the real problem is that it keeps happening! Can he keep these unexpected bouts of avian transmutation under wraps until he can find a cure? Find out in: Guess What, Chicken Butt.

Book List 2011: Part 7

2012-01-11T01:33:00.007-06:00

And here it is: the exciting conclusion to Book List 2011!

63.

Cinderella Ate My Daughter:
Dispatches From the Front Lines of the new Girlie-Girl Culture

by. Peggy Orenstein

A look into the Pretty Pink Princess world that young girls have to grow up in. Where did it come from and what effects does it have?

I read this book on a whim of curiosity and I was pleasantly surprised. It really is quite fascinating and raises a lot of ideas that I never thought about before. However, it does have its problems. For instance the author occasionally goes into bouts of what I like to call "Feminist Bloodlust": where a feminist rage clouds a person's vision and only allows them to see ideas that fits a feminist argument. For instance she insulted Pixar for only having movies starring men, but praised Miyazaki for always making movies starring girls. She even went as far as to attack Pixar's newest movie Brave. That's right, she decided to attack a movie that isn't even out yet based on preliminary sketches and plot outlines...I mean if that isn't a prefect example of Feminist Bloodlust then I don't know what is.

But overall I found the book very interesting. It really does a great job at bringing the world that young girls are being raised in into the light and expounding on where this world came from. I never really considered where the obsession with princesses and pink came from, but I'm glad I did because it seems that it has all come from marketing. Which is quite frightening when you think about it. Marketing can ingrain ideas so deep that people just think they're natural inclinations. For instance the color pink. I've heard people say that girls are just naturally attracted to pink. But that isn't true. In fact pink used to be a boys' color. Think about that.

“Girls' attention to pink may seem unavoidable, somehow encoded in their DNA, but according to Jo Paoletti, an associate professor of American studies at the University of Maryland, it's not. Children weren't color-coded at all until the early twentieth century: in the era before Maytag, all babies wore white as a practical matter, since the only way of getting clothes clean was to boil them. What's more, both boys and girls wore what were thought of as gender-neutral dresses. When nursery colors were introduced, pink was actually considered the more masculine hue, a pastel version of red, which was associated with strength. Blue, with its intimations of the Virgin Mary, constancy, and faithfulness, symbolized femininity. (That may explain a portrait that has always befuddled me, of my father as an infant in 1926 wearing a pink dress.) Why or when that switched is not clear, but as late as the 1930s, in a poll of its customers conducted by the New York City department store Lord & Taylor, a solid quarter of adults still held to that split. I doubt anyone would get it "wrong" today. Perhaps that is why so many early Disney heroines—Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Wendy, Alice in Wonderland, Mary Poppin's Jane Banks—were dressed in various shades of azure. (When the company introduced the Princess line, it deliberately changed Sleeping Beauty's gown to pink, supposedly to distinguish her from Cinderella.) It was not until the mid-1980s, when amplifying age and sex differences became a dominant children's marketing strategy, that pink fully came into its own, when it began to seem innately attractive to girls, part of what defined them as female, at least for the first few critical years.”

64.

The Night Eternal

by. Guillermo del Toro & Chuck Hogan

The last book of The Strain Trilogy.

I've mentioned the other books of this trilogy in past lists. And as it is the third book I can't really tell you anything about it specifically without ruining important plot elements. But I can now speak of the trilogy in general and tell you that it is a great trilogy. It works with the idea of vampires in a way I've never seen done before. It creates a look and feel to them that is unique and fascinating; taking the familiar ideas we've seen a million times before and reworking them into something new and interesting.

If you recall I said that the main problem with The Hunger Games was that the author couldn't write a fight scene to save her live. Well she should ask Chuck Hogan and Guillermo del Toro for some tips. This duo is able to create not only create truly memorable visuals, but also plenty of intense battles.

“Snorting, huffing, the beasts came back, leaving behind the poised erect stance and landing on all fours, ready to circle their prey. Eph did not give the vampires a chance to flank him. He rushed straight at the male first, both swords at the ready. The vamp leaped away from him at the last moment—they were agile and fast—but not before Eph's sword tip caught it across the side of its torso. The slash was deep enough to make the vampire land off-balance, the wound was leaking white blood. Strigoi rarely felt any bodily pain, but they felt it when the weapon was silver. The creature twisted and gripped its side.

In that moment of hesitation and inattention, Eph spun and brought his other sword across at shoulder height. One slice removed the head from the neck and shoulders, severing it just beneath the jaw. The vampire's arms went up in a reflex of self-protection before its trunk and limbs collapsed.

Eph turned again just as the female was in the air. It had vaulted the counter, springing at him with its twin taloned middle fingers poised to cut at his face—but Eph was just able to deflect its arms with his own as the vampire flew past, landing hard against the wall, slumping to the floor. Eph lost both his swords in the process. His hands were so weak. Oh, yes, yes, please—I want to give up.

The strigoi quickly sprang onto all fours, facing Eph from a crouch. Its eyes bore into him, surrogates of the Master, the evil presence that had taken everything from him. Eph's rage flared anew. He swiftly produced his grappling hooks and braced for impact. The vampire charged and Eph went for it—the vampire wattle dangling beneath its chin made for a perfect target. He had done this move hundreds of times—like a worker in a fish factory scaling a big tuna. One hook connected with the throat behind the wattle, sinking quickly and jamming behind the cartilaginous tube that housed the larynx and launched the stinger. Pulling down on it—hard—he blocked the stinger and forced the creature to genuflect with a pig-like squeal. The other hook connected to the eye socket, and Eph's thumb jammed under the jaw, locking the mouth shut. One summer, a long, long time ago, his father had shown him that move when catching snakes on a small river up north. Clamp the jaw," he had said, "lock the mouth—so they can't bite." Not many snakes were poisonous but a lot of them had a nasty bite and enough bacteria in their mouth to cause a lot of pain. Turned out that Eph—city boy Eph—was good at catching snakes. A natural. He had been able to show off one good day, catching a snake in the driveway at home when Zack was still a child. He felt superior—a hero. But that was a long time ago. A zillion years BC.

65.

I Found This Funny:
My Favorite Pieces of Humor
and some that may not be funny at all

edited by. Judd Apatow

A collection of essays that were selected and arranged by Judd Apatow.

Oh, collections. They are always a mixed bag aren't they? I was looking for a collection of humorous writing, but a fair amount of stuff in this book isn't really funny at all. I realize that this is mentioned in the title, but I didn't realize the extent to which they were talking about. Overall it wasn't really my kind of thing, but I must admit that there are a couple great gems in there. If nothing else Conan O'Brien & Robert Smigel's Lookwell pilot, Tony Hoagland's poems, David Sedaris' essay "Go Carolina", and the selected shorts from Simon Rich made it worth my time.

Actually, if you happen to see this in a book store I would recommend picking it up to read the Simon Rich ones. They are short enough that you can read them real quick and they are hilarious.

“I don't remember how I learned to read. Who taught me to read? Was it my mother? We always had a lot of books around. Dr. Seuss, Curious George. That book about the strange animal with the spots he could take off and juggle. Lately I have been teaching my seven-year-old daughter how to read and it is hard. Someone must have put some serious hours in with me. I wish I remembered any of those moments. It must have been my mom and not some faceless Montessori teacher. I'll go with Mom. For some reason I think I picked it up really fast because if it was a long difficult road I feel like I would remember that.

I say that because my adult reading life has not been a long easy road. It took a long time before I got excited about literature and reading in general...

...

...This book contains my recommendations. It mainly focuses on what I am most interested in—humor. But several of the pieces are not at all funny, but I could not resist putting them in because they mean so much to me.

I made a point of including writing from all disciplines—short stories, poetry, essays, humor writing, journalism, memoir, cartoons, sketches, and even television pilots. I think it's the ultimate airplane book, bathroom book, or what one reads while waiting for a friend to come out of an appointment that you have no interest in.”

State of the Blog Address (2012)

2012-01-01T13:10:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year, everyone.

As is customary for New Year's Day, it is time for my annual State of the Blog address.

2011 is over and it seems that I really didn't post very much at all. I mean only 24 posts? That only averages out to 2/month. In my defense in 2011 I moved twice, got a new job, and quit that new job when I later got a better new job. So now I've got 2 jobs and have to work every day of the week. Kinds of puts a hamper on posting. But really that's no excuse. I could have done more stuff if I had put my mind to it, but I preferred instead the relaxation and escapism of watching movies, reading books, and other such things.

Looking back at last year's SotB address, I didn't really end up completing any of the plans I had back then. I still would like to accomplish some of those things, but they just didn't pan out.

Even though I utterly failed at completing the goals I had last year, that won't stop me from having goals for this year. So what can you expect?

First of all I will complete the postcards from last year's Postal Extravaganza. 2011 was just a bad year for drawing. A combination of art supplies packed away in boxes during the moves and a general state of mind that was not conducive to artwork. However, I'm feeling good about this year and if nothing else my guilt will spur me on to completing that project.
I'm also going to try and finish up both my Stupid Poems 4 Everyone & Post-It Greetings projects. I'm about halfway done with both, so I might as well try to go the distance.
I think I'm going to try to do some comics this year. What kind exactly I'm not sure, but something...definitely something.
More posting in general. Sure that's rather vague, but I'm going to try to update a lot more frequently. My goal is going to be at the very least 1 a week.
And, of course, another booklist. Even though they take a surprisingly large amount of time to format and write out, I've found I quite like having a record of the things I've read as it is quite easy for such things to slip your mind after a while. Speaking of which I was reading right up until the new year, so 2011's list still has one more part to it. I'll get that out to you as soon as I can. I've still got to transcribe some quotes, let alone actually write the post, so it might take a little while, but it is on its way.
Also more Timecard Typography. Because, like the booklist, it's nice to have a record of them. And if I'm going to keep a record of them I might as well share it.

So there you have it.

Let's see how where the year takes us, shall we?

Timecard Typographies Aug-Dec/2011

2011-12-26T16:15:00.001-06:00

Hey! More timecards! You think it'd be easy to remember to take pictures of these stupid things, but you would be wrong! In fact I'm quite awful at remembering to do it. It seems that from June-December I have forgotten to take pictures of 2 of them.

Well, technically I've forgotten to take pictures of 5 of them:

1 - I had to call work and ask my coworker to take a picture of it for me.
1 - I wasn't able to finish and I was just going to write it off, but a coworker finished it himself.
1 - I came by to take a picture of but the boss had already taken it to his office. Luckily he was around and had it on his desk so he let me take a picture of it.
2 - I just outright forgot to take pictures of.

Apparently I'm just rather forgetful. I really should just start carrying my camera with me wherever I go. Anyways, I think I'll provide you with some commentary on these so as to make myself feel better for failing to capture the complete set.

June 06 - Usually I base the letters around some common idea. In this case I was trying to come up with letters that seemed like they could be symbols or foreign glyphs.

June 16 - The idea behind this one was that I wanted to write it as small as I could. However, I ended up messing up right off the bat. It failed to be as small I could write it and ended up looking odd, mismatched, and stupid.

June 30 - As you can tell the idea with this one was a Connect-the-Dots signature. I love the concept, but I'm disappointed with the quality of my lines. They look rather thin and shaky and it takes a lot away from what would have otherwise been a favorite of mine. I think I was going to go over them again to make them look better, but didn't have the time.

This is the one I nearly forgot to get a picture of and ended up calling a coworker to have him snag a picture for me.

This one also brings up a common problem of mine: the H. I cannot tell you how often I get hung up on the H's. Because a capital cursive H isn't written with a continuous pen stroke and that fact often rears it's ugly head. It was a bit of a challenge to figure out how to do it without just giving a couple dots multiple numbers.

July 16 - This one kind of ended up as a stroke guide to letters, but it really wasn't meant to be. I was just trying to use arrows to make letters. This intent explains why you might notice that the way the arrows have you do some letters wouldn't be very natural at all.

August 5 - Yeah...I just wanted to do one in crayon. Little kid style. Sadly I forgot my camera and thus had to end up taking this picture with my phone. I hate when I have to do that though because the picture is never very crisp and the colors always get muted.

August 16 - I guess the idea behind this was outlined letters that form a single contiguous piece. But really it just stemmed out of a doodle I had been doing absent-mindedly one day.

September 1 - Admittedly, I always feel a little cheap when I do one like this. Why? Because I really didn't do anything fancy with the actual letters. The interesting part is only really coming from the style of the placement and setting. But in the end I really don't care as long as it ends up looking cool.

October 1 - I decided to do Halloween themed ones in October. This one was supposed to be a Jack-o-Lantern carving of sorts. So I tried to use the letters to create that usual sort of evil Jack-o-Lantern grin. The observant eye will notice that I forgot how to spell my own name in this one and forgot the second E in Jesse.

You will also notice this picture is a camera picture and thus looks kind of muted and shitty.

October 19 - The Halloween theme continues. This time I was trying to use creepy images that were symbolic of letters. Overall I quite like how it turned out, although I am slightly bothered that that snail ended up seeming rather out of place to me. It just looks it isn't quite connected to the others or something. It also seems a little too happy...

November 4 - Months back my coworker Max had said I should do one with Tetris pieces. I had briefly considered it, but ended up putting it on the back burner. It starts out so easy and the "Jesse" just writes itself. I could have just left it at that, but I was dead set on figuring out how to do my last name as well. As you can guess, some letters provided a significant challenge. Namely A & N.

December 2 - I've started exploring the side margins a little bit. This is actually the one I wasn't able to finish. I wasn't thinking and ended up trying to do a time intensive one during a time of the month when I actually end up having a lot of actual work to do. Thus I ended up with only the top part finished and the rest of it only had my rough ideas sketched in.

I was just going to write it off, but my coworker Max ended up taking it upon himself to finish it and was even kind enough to take a picture. I like that there's a record of it now, but I'm still a little mad at myself for not being able to finish it personally as there was a couple of little things I would've liked to fix up.

December 16 - As you can tell, like October, I made December a bit of a themed month. I had a much more complicated idea in the works, but then I realized that it wouldn't come up looking like what I was going for and then this idea popped into my head so I decided to just go with it. I quite like it.

Once again the cursive H rears its ugly head and requires me to try and attempt a work around.

Book List 2011: Part 6

2011-12-23T08:10:00.008-06:00

The second to last booklist of the year. Time goes by so fast doesn't it?

* = reread

51.

20th Century Ghosts

by. Joe Hill

A collection of short stories about ghosts, murderers, monsters, and more.

After reading Heart-Shaped Box I figured I'd see what else Joe Hill had written. Turns out not a whole lot. However, there was this one and a collection of horror themed short stories certainly sounded interesting.

I should clarify that when I say the stories are horror stories, I don't mean to suggest that they are scary. I doubt you'll read any and find yourself unable to get to sleep afterward. I just mean to say that they deal with the horror story material (murder, ghosts, death, etc.). In actuality, the tone of book differs quite a bit from story to story. I really liked that about it, because you never quite knew what to expect next. There are ones that are rather light-hearted, some are sentimental, others are interesting, while some are slightly unsettling. Some of my favorites were "20th Century Ghosts" a story about a movie theater haunted by a cinephile ghost, "Pop Art" a story about a boy and his inflatable best friend, and "Abraham's Boys" one of the creepiest ones of the collection about a pair of brothers whose strict father turns out to have deeper secrets than either of the boys could have ever guessed.

“It has been argued even trees may appear as ghosts. Reports of such manifestations are common in the literature of parapsychology. There is the famous white pine of West Belfry, Maine. It was chopped down in 1842, a towering fir with a white smooth bark like none anyone had ever seen, and with pine needles the color of brushed steel. A tea house and inn was built on the hill where it had stood. A cold spot existed in a corner of the yellow dining room, a zone of penetrating chill, the exact diameter of the white pine's trunk. Directly above the dining room was a small bedroom, but no guest would stay the night there. Those who tried said their sleep was disturbed by the keening rush of a phantom wind, the low soft roar of air in high branches; the gusts blew papers around the room and pulled curtains down. In March, the walls bled sap.”

52.

Howl's Moving Castle

by. Diane Jones

A young woman named Sophie ages into an old woman after being cursed by a witch. While looking for a way to free herself she ends up in employ of the notorious soul-stealing wizard Howl.

I've heard from a couple fans of this book and they seem to say that they like both the book and the movie, but for very different reasons. Personally, I have a hard time separating the two. Annoyingly, I feel that both of them work to undermine the other by doing something better.

For example, I love the imagery in the movie and how it really worked to serve the story. I also like how the changes the it made to the story served to create a tighter narrative with clearer focus.

On the other hand, I like how the book was able to better establish the different characters and their various relationships. It made the romance between Sophie and Howl seem a lot more natural than the movie did. I also liked how the book's Sophie had a bigger role to play. Additionally, its explanation for how she ends up entangled in these situations was more developed and much more interesting.

On a third hand I don't like how as the story goes on both seem to veer more toward Howl's story and away from Sophie's. I guess they're both supposed to be the main characters, but I think the story isn't set up in way to make that effective. One over the other would've been much more interesting to me.

So I just don't know. As I was reading the book I couldn't help but to miss all the parts I loved about the movie, and then I watched the movie afterwards and then I found myself missing some parts of the book. All in all I like the movie better, because I don't feel that Jones' writing was up to the challenge of producing the kind of imagery her story was capable of (as Miyazaki was able to demonstrate). For example, in the movie the castle moves by walking on mechanical legs, but in the book it just floats about.

But all in all, they're both a lot of fun.

“It got cold on the stone as the sun went down. An unpleasant wind blew whichever way Sophie turned to avoid it. Now it no longer seemed so unimportant that she would be out on the hills during the night. She found herself thinking more and more of a comfortable chair and a fireside, and also of darkness and wild animals. But if she went back to Market Chipping, it would be the middle of the night before she got there. She might just as well go on. She sighed and stood up, creaking. It was awful. She ached all over.

"I never realized before what old people had to put up with!" she panted as she labored uphill.

"Still, I don't think wolves will eat me. I must be far too dry and tough. That's one comfort."

Night was coming down fast now and the heathery uplands were blue-gray. The wind was sharper. Sophie's panting and creaking of her limbs were so loud in her ears that it took her a while to notice that some of the grinding and puffing was not completely from herself at all. She looked up blurrily.

Wizard Howl's castle was rumbling and bumping toward her across the moorland. Black smoke was blowing up in clouds from behind its black battlements. It looked tall and thin and heavy and ugly and very sinister indeed. Sophie leaned on her stick and watched it. She was not particularly frightened. She wondered how it moved. But the main thing in her mind was that all that smoke must mean a large fireside somewhere inside those tall black walls.

"Well, why not?" she said to her stick. "Wizard Howl is not likely to want my soul for his collection. He only takes young girls."”

54.

Bill Moyers Journal:

The Conversation Continues

by. Bill Moyers

A collection of interviews from Bill Moyers' television show Bill Moyers Journal.

Collections are always the hardest to write about. By their very nature they are composed of different pieces, which makes it hard to judge the piece as a single tome. Overall I found this book fascinating. It covered all sorts of different topics with all sorts of interesting experts. The book really serves to give you a wider perspective on a lot of issues. Sure there were a couple interviews here and there and I didn't really care for (basically all the writers and poets), but they weren't even close to being numerous enough to have to bring down the others.

What more can I say? It's a collection of interviews from a PBS show. Either its up your alley or it's not. Here's a quote is from Bill's interview with David Simon, a former journalist and the creator of the hit show The Wire.

“Is is because we are tethered to the facts, we can't go where the imagination can take us?

One of the themes of The Wire really was that statistics will always lie. Statistics can be made to say anything. You show me anything that depicts institutional progress in America: school test scores, crime stats, arrest reports, anything that a politician can run on, anything that somebody can get a promotion on, and as soon as you invent that statistical category, fifty people in that institution will be at work to figure out a way to make it look as if progress is actually occurring when actually no progress is. I mean, our entire economic structure fell behind the idea that these mortgage-backed securities were actually really valuable, and they had absolutely no value. They were toxic. And yet they were being traded and being hurled about, because somebody could make some short-term profit. In the same way that a police commissioner or a deputy commissioner can get promoted, and a major can become a colonel, and an assistant school superintendent can become a school superintendent, if they make it look like the kids are learning and that they're solving crime. That was a front-row seat for me as a reporter, getting to figure out how once they got done with them the crime stats actually didn't represent anything.

And you say statistics are driving the war on drugs, though.

Stats, you know, dope on the table. 'We've made so many arrests.' I mean, under one administration they used to ride around Baltimore and say, 'If we can make fifty-four arrests a day, we'll have an all-time record for drug arrests.' Some of the arrests, it was people sitting on their stoops and, you know, loitering in a drug-free zone, meaning you were sitting on your own steps on a summer day. Anything that is a stat can be cheated, right down to journalism. And I was sort of party to that.

So I would be watching what the police department was doing, what the school system was doing, you know, looking outward. But if you looked inward you'd see the the same game is played everywhere, that nobody's actually in the business of doing what the institution's supposed to do.”

55.

Storm Front

by. Jim Butcher

A freelance wizard is getting framed for murders he didn't commit and has to figure out who's behind it before he has to take the blame...permanently.

This book wasn't my favorite. Basically it was because of 3 things:

I never really felt much sympathy for the main character. He kind of seemed like a slightly incompetent douche. And not a lovable Joe-Morelli type of douche either. The guy struts around and acts all tough and yet he can't even mix his own potions without getting help. Also he gets beat up a lot and I can't say I blame anyone for doing it.
The threats never seemed all that threatening. I was never even a touch concerned for his well being. And it wasn't so much that I didn't care if he lived or died, it was more that nothing evoked a real sense of danger. The main villain seemed more like a big dweeb than a serious threat, and the magic council out to blame him seemed to be fairly inept. Sure the council and the dweeb are powerful, but powerful doesn't equate scary.
It seemed like a combination of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Monster, and John Dies at the End. Except that Dirk Gently was more interesting and likeable, Monster was funnier, and John had more interesting villains...and it was funnier.

I did, however, quite enjoy how all the magic seemed to be very grounded. The magic had rules that governed it which made it more interesting than most stories that just go with "It's magic! It can do anything!" and don't bother having any limitations on it. Also I loved the idea that wizards are powerful because they're smart and are good at planning ahead. It was the little things like that that I ended up really enjoying. The plot as a whole didn't interest me, but there were certainly some great parts and clever ideas that made reading it worth it.

Overall I think I'm casting it in a worse light than it actually was. I think my expectations were just a little too high. To provide the counterpoint to my complaints, I will leave this review in the hands of a fan. My friend Maddie was the one who recommended the book and the series is one of her favorites. So here's her thoughts, not on the first book, but on the series as a whole:

http://balanced-flower.blogspot.com/2010/08/review-dresden-files-books.html

“"What's it doing? Is this the superspeed one, or the teleportation version?"

Bob coughed. "A little of both, actually. Drink it, and you'll be the wind for a few minutes."

"The wind?" I eyed him. "I haven't heard of that one before, Bob."

"I am an air spirit after all." Bob told me. "This'll work fine. Trust me."

I grumbled, and set the first potion to simmering, then started on the next one. I hesitated, after Bob told me the first ingredient.

"Tequila?" I asked him, skeptically. "Are you sure on that one? I thought the base for a love potion was supposed to be champagne."

"Champagne, tequila, what's the difference, so long as it'll lower her inhibitions?" Bob said.

"Uh, I'm thinking it's going to get us a, um, sleazier result."

"Hey!" Bob protested, "Who's the memory spirit here! Me or you?"

"Well—"

"Who's got all the experience with women here? Me or you?"

"Bob—"

"Harry," Bob lectured me, "I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't even a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing."

I sighed, too tired to argue with him. "Okay, okay. Sheesh. Tequila." I got down the bottle, measured eight ounces into the beaker, and glanced up at the skull.

"Right. Now, three ounces of dark chocolate."

"Chocolate?" I demanded.

"Chicks are into chocolate, Harry."”

56.

Fool

by. Christopher Moore

A comedic and raunchy retelling of Shakespeare's King Lear from the point of view of the fool.

“Ah, Goneril, Goneril, Goneril—like a distant love chant is her name. Not that it doesn't summon memories of burning urination and putrid discharge, but what romance worth the memory is devoid of the bittersweet?”

I wish more people would do comedic versions of Shakespeare's stories because I've never really cared for Shakespeare's work. There's a website that makes the claim, "If everything is terrible than nothing is." I would say the reverse is also true, "If everything is wonderful than nothing is."

In Shakespeare every line is some eloquent display of wordy prowess, and the result is that it doesn't scan. I grew up with comic books and in a comic your goal is to never have medium interrupt the story. It's the same thing with a good font. You want your form to enhance and frame your work, but you don't want it to interrupt and take away from that work. Thus, when you have to deconstruct every single line of a play you can't appreciate them all and inevitably aren't being fully immersed in the story because you're thinking about the wordplay too much.

But I've digressed. My point is that a modern comedic telling of Shakespeare reformats into a medium that I can happily consume. You don't even need to be familiar with the story of King Lear to appreciate this book. It's well written and the jokes are funny enough to keep you interested. Although, from what I hear, it will add an extra level of humor if you are familiar with the original.

“Lear sat on his horse outside Castle Albany, howling at the sky like a complete lunatic.

'May Nature's nymphs bring great lobster-sized vermin to infest the rotted nest of her woman bits, and may serpents fix their fangs in her nipples and wave there until her poisoned dugs go black and drop to the ground like overripe figs!'

I looked at Kent. 'Built up a spot of steam, hasn't he?' said I.

'May Thor hammer at her bowels and produce flaming flatulence that wilts the forest and launches her off the battlements into a reeking dung heap!'

'Not really adhering to any particular pantheon, is he?' said Kent.

'Oh, Poseidon, send your one-eyed son to stare into her bituminous heart and ignite it with flames of most hideous suffering.'

'You know,' said I, 'the king seems to be leaning rather heavily on curses, for someone with his unsavory history with witches.'

'Aye,' said Kent. 'Seems to have steered his wrath toward the eldest daughter, if I'm not mistaken.'

'Oh, you don't say?' said I. 'Sure, sure, that could be it, I suppose."”

57.

That Is All

by. John Hodgman

The third part of the Hodgman's almanacs of COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE, and a helpful guide to the end of the world.

“I appreciate that there are defenders of school sports—football especially—who point out that athletics is not merely a fun, concussive way to make our children fight like gladiators for our amusement. It also teaches young people valuable lessons such as DISCIPLINE, TEAM-WORK, and HOW TO LIVE WITHIN A BRUTAL CASTE SYSTEM THAT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE. But if that's the case, why not just have all the children play IN A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA?”

Few books make me laugh as much as these Hodgman ones. First was Areas of My Expertise, then came More Information Than You Require. Each one hilarious in its own way. The only thing is that the series is so bizarre, it's hard to get across what it really is. In fact, it's bizarre enough that I wouldn't begrudge someone for not finding it to their tastes. But basically this particular one is designed to include all the knowledge you might need when the world inevitably ends in 2012. It is clever and hilarious and I love it. I'll stop trying to describe it and just leave you with another quote.

“DARTBURGH, NY: THE DARTHBURGH GARLIC FESTIVAL, SEPTEMBER 25
If you like garlic coffee and garlic fruit leather and guys with beards playing Dobro guitars, this festival is for you.

And here's an insider's tip. If you go to the Dartburgh Garlic Festival, stay at the Howard Johnson's. It's not advertised, but this is where the Hudson Valley Swingers Association meets. You can tell because of the angry man with the chain on his wallet yelling at the receptionist that he shouldn't have to show ID is he's paying in cash while his lady companion, an intensely skinny girl of mysterious age with dry yellow hair, stares vacantly at the rain streaming down the window!

At night, if you are a swinger or just swing-curious, you can go to Function Room C, where they will have set up some tables, a cheese play from 7-Eleven, and a boom box playing sexy music. Celebrate your life free from the chains of artificial monogamy by meeting a new friend and bringing them back to your room for an intimate encounter while looking at the parking lot.

Or, if you are not a swinger, you can just hang out in your room, staring at the ceiling in terror.

THAT IS HOW I SPENT MY FIRST ANNIVERSARY.

They also have a continental buffet, which I advise you NOT TO TOUCH."”

58.

Food Rules:

An Eater's Manual

by. Michael Pollan

A list of simple rules to help you eat better.

I don't often go in for health books. Despite their good intention they often leave me confused and afraid. Besides, if I was to listen to every health claim out there I wouldn't be able to eat anything. I would be stuck paying out-the-nose amounts of money for top-of-the line organic,vegetarian, no preservative, non-genetically modified, gluten free, fair trade, free range soy paste. I don't care what anyone says, that many adjectives just can't be good for you. While I do believe that a lot of things out there are bad for you, I don't believe all the health-nut fear-mongers who act like eating anything will immediately give you cancer and kill you.

That's why I liked this book. It's short and it's rules for eating are simple and easy to follow. It doesn't tell you to abandon everything you know about food, it doesn't tell you to completely change your lifestyle and dinner menu, and it doesn't try to preach to you. It just offers some easy suggestions on little things you can do to eat healthier. It's easy to read, easy to absorb, and contains some great tips. I'll leave you with a quote from the introduction and a few examples of the food rules.

“As a journalist I fully appreciate the value of widespread public confusion: We're in the explanation business, and if the answers to the questions we explore got too simple, we'd be out of work. Indeed, I had a deeply unsettling moment when, after spending a couple of years researching nutrition for my last book, In Defense of Food, I realized that the answer to the supposedly incredibly complicated question of what we should eat wasn't so complicated after all, and in fact could be boiled down to just seven words:
Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

“13. Eat only foods that will eventually rot.

14. Eat foods made from ingredients that you can picture
in their raw state or growing in nature.

20. It's not food if it arrived through the window of your
car.

35. Eat sweet foods as you find them in nature. "In nature,
sugars almost always come packaged with fiber,
which slows their absorption and gives you a sense of
satiety before you've ingested too many calories.
That's why you're better off eating the fruit rather
than drinking its juice."

39. Eat all the junk food you want as long as you cook it
yourself.

47. Eat when you're hungry, not when you are bored.

51. Spend as much time enjoying the meal as it took to
prepare it.

59. Try not to eat alone.”

59.* 60. 62.

One For the Money

Two For the Dough

Three to get Deadly

by. Janet Evanovich

Stephanie Plum is out of work and willing to try anything, so why not a bounty hunter? Well, for starters there's her complete lack of experience, her fear of guns, her crappy car, and her uncanny ability for getting into trouble. But then again...the pay isn't bad.

The first time I read One For the Money was in Japan. It was one of the few books the school's library had in English and I remembered that it was one of my sister's favorites. I wasn't expecting much, but it actually is a lot of fun. My aunt describes books like this potato chip books. They aren't some hearty meal of literature, they're just fun, easy-to-read, and hard to put down. That's a pretty apt description for the series.

Snobs tend to dismiss books like these for their lack of depth, but I think that's just being elitist. It seems to assume that writing a book that'll keep you enthralled and entertained as blow through the book in a single sitting is an easy thing. The characters are great and you really end up caring what happens to them, which engages you into the plot. There really aren't many books out there that can really make me afraid for what was going to happen to a character and these ones are able to do that. Heck, I even feel nervous when some crook threatens her hamster. You'll laugh, you'll feel suspense, it's just a lot of fun. In the end the mystery doesn't really matter, the fun is in watching Stephanie try and handle it all, not for Justice (like so many heroes), but for the cash...and maybe for the prestige of being able to put "Fugitive Apprehension Agent" on your business cards.

“I locked the Nova, hung my big black bag over my shoulder, and set out. I'd put the fiasco with Mrs. Morelli behind me, and felt pretty damn slick in my suit and heels, toting my bounty hunter hardware. Embarrassing as it was to admit, I was beginning to enjoy the role, thinking there was nothing like packing a pair of cuffs to put the spring into a women's step.

The gym sat in the middle of its block, over A & K Auto Body. The bay doors to the auto body were open, and catcalls and kissy sounds drifted out to me when I crossed the cement apron. My New Jersey heritage weighed heavy, demanding I respond with a few demeaning comments of my own, but discretion being the better part of valor, I kept my mouth shut and hurried on by.

Across the street, a shadowy figure pulled back from a filthy third-floor window, the movement catching my attention. Someone had been watching me. Not surprising. I'd roared down the street not once, but twice. My muffler had fallen off first thing this morning, and my engine noise had rumbled off the Stark Street brick storefronts. This wasn't what you'd call an undercover operation.”

61.

Embassytown

China Miéville

On the edge of the known universe sits an alien planet whose inhabitants speak a language that's truly unique. Unlike every other language based in reality and thus has no lies. In the planet's human outpost of Embassytown, Avice Benner Cho has become a part of that language: a living simile. When a strange new ambassador comes to power it disrupts the balance between the humans and the natives and forces Avice into a position where she must set things right.

China Miéville is one of my favorite authors. There are multiple reasons for that, but one of the big ones is that he is able to construct worlds that are vastly different from anything you could have imagined. So often Fantasy stories are all the same. They all just take the same stereo-typical Tolkien worlds of Elves and Dwarves and just insert their story into it. Like buying a premade pie crust and only making the filling.

Miéville, however, always takes the harder road, makes everything from scratch, and it makes all the difference. Take for example the aliens in this story: the Ariekei. These are not your typical Star Trek standards of humans with funny ears. The Ariekei walk on four spider-like legs, have 2 coral-like "wings" (one in front and one in back), and have two mouths. Because their language requires both mouths to speak at once, normal humans are unable to speak it. Couldn't two humans speak it then? Nope, because not only do the words have to be in sync, but the minds behind those the words have to be as well.

How about another typical sci-fi feature: the fact most planets just happen to have a breathable atmosphere? Well, in this book the planet's atmosphere is toxic to humans. Because of this Embassytown has to live within the confines of an atmosphere created by a giant genetic structure called an aeoli that generates their oxygen for them.

And that's what's great about Miéville books: they're different. They're different, they're creative, and those elements make them fascinating. Not only that, but it also makes it hard to pin down what's going to happen next.

But is the book for everyone? Probably not. For one thing, Miéville uses a lot of words that you don't see very often...or ever. I love his vocabulary and word choice, but not everyone likes to have to have a dictionary on-hand. Especially in a sci-fi book where some of the words are for things that don't exist and thus are made up, but you don't know that for sure until you try to look it up. I also can't blame someone if the idea of a story centering around alien linguistics doesn't float their boat. But I thought it was great.

“Yohn was the second-best southgoer in our group. He couldn't compete with Simmon, the best of all, but Yohn could write his name on the picket fence several slats farther than I. Over some weeks I'd strained to hold my breath longer and longer, and my marks had been creeping closer to his. So he must have been secretly practicing. He'd run too far from the breath of the aeoli. I could imagine him gasping, letting his mouth open and sucking in air with the sour bite of the interzone, trying to go back but stumbling with the toxins, the lack of clean oxygen. He might have been down, unconcious, breathing that nasty stey for minutes.

'They brought him to me,' the man said again. I made a tiny noise as I suddenly noticed that, half-hidden by a huge ficus, something was moving. I don't know how I'd failed to see it.

I was a Host. It stepped to the centre of the carpet. I stood immediately, out of the respect I'd been taught and my child's fear. The Host came forward with its swaying grace, in complicated articulation. It looked at me, I think: I think the constellation of forking skin that was it lustreless eyes regarded me. It extended and reclenched a limb. I thought it was reaching for me.

'It's waiting to see the boy's taken,' the man said. 'If he gets better it'll be because of our Host here. You should say thank you.'

I did so and the man smiled. He squatted beside me, put his hand on my shoulder. Together we looked up at the strangely moving presence. 'Little eggs,' he said kindly. 'You know it can't hear you? Or, well...that it hears you but only as noise? But you're a good girl, polite.' He gave me some inadequately sweet adult confection from a mantelpiece bowl. I crooned over Yohn, and not only because I was told to. I was scared. My poor friend's skin didn't feel like ksin, and his movements were troubling. The Host bobbled on its legs. As its feet shuffled a dog-sized prescence, its companion. The man looked up into what must be the Host's face. Staring at it, he might have looked regretful, or I might be saying that because of things I later knew.

The Host spoke.

Of course I'd seen its like many times. Some lived in the interstice where we dared ourselves to play. We sometimes found ourselves facing them, as they walked with crablike precision on whatever their tasks were, or even ran, with a gait that made them look as if they must fall, though they did not. We say them tending the flesh walls of their nests, or what we thought of as their pets, those whispering companion animal things. We would quieten abruptly down in their presence and move away from them. We mimicked the careful politeness our shiftparents showed them. Our discomfort, like that of the adults we learned it from, outweighed any curiosity at the strange actions we might see the Hosts performing.

We would hear them speak to each other in their precise tones, so almost like our voices. Later in our lives a few of us might understand some of what they said, but not yet, and never really me.

I'd never been so close to one of the Hosts. My fear for Yohn distracted me from all I'd otherwise feel from this proximity to the thing, but I kept it in my sight, so it could not surprise me, so when it rocked closer to me I shied away abruptly and broke off whispering to my friend.”

Book List 2011: Part 5

2011-12-17T10:27:00.014-06:00

Hmm...it's been awhile since I've bothered to do another edition of my booklist. The books just keep stacking up so I'd better start mentioning them before I forget them all.

* = reread

41.*

John Dies at the End

by. David Wong

[I've come to the decision that when a reread a book that I've already talked about in a booklist, I'll make an attempt to get someone else's opinion on it for you. Anyways, I read this book last year. And since I also lent this book to my friend Max this year, I got him to write a little review for you.]

A John Dies at the End Review

by. Max Rewitzer

“If there’s anything I enjoy more in a work of fiction than a page-turning plot; it’s a work of fiction that’s also filled with bouts of black humor, absurd situations, and hilarious dialogue. Throw in a recurring joke about bratwurst and you have the recipe for an instant favorite. John Dies at the End, written by Jason Pargin, under the pseudonym David Wong (of Cracked.com notoriety), is exactly that sort of story.

It’s hard to convey in a review why I liked this book; there are so many good things going for it. But one of the most enjoyable aspects is the characters. In most popular fiction you’re lucky if you find at least some of the characters relatable, but in the case of John Dies at the End, they all are.

The main character, David Wong, is a twenty-something with a jaded attitude who works a dead end job at a video rental store. He’s bored with his life and ends up killing time with his best friend, the titular John (who may or may not die at the end of the story…you’ll have to read it to find out!). David and John are written with honesty, their dialogue is believable (not to mention unbelievably hilarious), and they’re instantly likeable. Just two normal guys who get lost in the plot of a supernatural-horror-comedy-action-sci-fi thriller and react the way you’d expect people grounded in reality to react.

John Dies at the End suffers from no slow points, as far as I found. Pargin keeps the pace fast and throws as many twists and turns to the plot as he can. Many of the situations the characters find themselves in will leave you simultaneously busting a gut from hilarity and on the edge of your seat in anticipation of what happens next.

Overall, John Dies at the End is a fantastic read that panders to nobody and doesn’t hold anything back. It’s a book that you can lose yourself in and not notice the passing of time. And it’s a definite must for any fan of the horror/comedy genre and any fan of good fiction.

Highlights to look forward to:

Camel Holocaust
The puns, oh man, the puns are hilarious
Any scene with bratwurst
The twists and turns near the ending
Elton John”

“And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.”

[P.S. A movie adaptation is coming out and judging from the trailer it's gonna be amazing.]

42.

The Lock Artist

by. Steve Hamilton

A boy discovers he has a talent for picking locks. Unfortunately for him other people discover this as well. Before he knows what's happening his life becomes wrapped up into a world of crime and can't get out without putting the people he cares about at risk.

I read this book on a whim because Joey Comeau mentioned it in a tweet. Usually I don't have the best luck when I try out books just because someone mentioned them. However, this one caught my attention right of the bat. It's got a little something for everyone: an interesting main character, the criminal intrigue, the mystery of the boy's tragic past, and there's even a bit of a love story.

But there were two things that especially got my attention:

1. The main character doesn't talk. He doesn't say a single word throughout the entire story. He serves as the narrator so you can tell what he's thinking, but he doesn't actually speak to anyone. I don't think I've ever read a book where the main character has conversations without ever saying anything. It really made the whole thing rather fascinating to read.

2. I really like all the detailed stuff about picking locks.

“I took out one of the tension bars. Not the smallest, not the biggest. I slid it into the bottom of the keyhole. I put one finger on the right side and pushed it ever so slightly. Then I took the hook pick and felt along the line of tumblers. I had already done this lock before, of course, so I knew exactly where to go. It was a very basic setup, six pins, one tight combination in the back but otherwise nothing too tricky. It had taken me all of three minutes with a screwdriver and a bent safety pin. With these perfect tools—hell, it wouldn't even take me more than thirty seconds.

...

I popped the back pin, worked my way carefully past the fifth. With the good tension bar, it was much easier to keep the last pin engaged. I felt that satisfying little click with each pin as I made my way to the front. I could feel that I had it halfway done. With the mushroom pins, I knew I had to go back and do them all one more time. There were just the tiniest slivers of metal standing in my way now. Six notches on six little pins, and then the whole thing would turn free.

The two men were quiet now. I worked my way through the pins again, back to front. I was about to pop that last pin when something made me stop.

Think about this, I thought to myself. Do you really want to prove to these guys that you can break into this house whenever you feel like it? Into any house? Is that the kind of thing you want everybody to know?

"Is that it?" Mr. Marsh said. "Are you giving up already?"

"Playtime's over," the locksmith said. A sneer on his face. "Remember this the next time you feel like shooting off your mouth."

Not the right thing to say to me, I thought. I looked the locksmith in the eye as I tapped up the last pin. I turned the knob, opened the door, and gave him back his tools.

Then I put my gloves on and went into the backyard to start digging.”

43.

Write More Good

by. The Bureau Chiefs

A guide to writing from the people that brought you the Fake AP Stylebook.

I really don't know what else to say. It's a fake guide to journalistic writing on various subjects: Media, Sports, Technology, etc. More importantly it is often amazingly clever. In fact, it has some parts that are so hilarious you really don't laugh out loud because you're in shock at how clever the joke was. Additionally they seem to know their subject matter extremely well. If you're a journalist then you'll probably enjoy it on a completely different level than anyone else reading it. But even if you're not and you just like the stuff from their Twitter feed then you'll probably like this as well. If nothing else you should find a copy just to look at the glossaries at the end of each chapter, because they are absolutely priceless.

“loose ball - The male equivalent of a nip slip.

March Madness - A term used to describe the NCAA men's basketball tournament. Avoid using, as the term is offensive to those who suffer from the real 'March madness,' described in the DCM-IV as 'a persistent and overwhelming obsession with the music of John Philip Sousa.'

NBA finals - The tests that all NBA players must cram for the night before or pay the team doctor to take for them.

offensive pass interference - Pass interference that simply goes too far. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!”

44.

The Sisters Brothers

by. Patrick deWitt

In the wild west, a pair of bandit brothers set out to collect a bounty, but the trip turns out to be more than they bargained for when setback after unusual setback befoul their trip.

I always seem to come across books that I have mixed feelings about and I'm never sure how to describe them. I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of it, but it lost a lot of steam at the end. So how do you describe something like that? Despite a bit of a lackluster ending, the beginning and middle are a lot of fun. The bizarre situations the characters kept getting themselves into and the people they come across were pretty great.

So yeah, if it sounds up your alley give it a try, and just know that if it starts getting boring near the end, then it's perfectly okay to stop there, because you won't be missing much.

Staring out at the steam rising in the field, I felt a gladness at having survived the recent series of happenings: The spider, the bloated head, the curse averted. I filled my lungs with all the cold air they could hold. "Tub!" I shouted into the wilderness. "I am stuck inside the cabin of the vile gypsy-witch!" He raised his head, his jaw working on a mouthful of crunchy grass. "Tub! Assist me in my time of need!"”

45.

The Hunger Games

by. Suzanne Collins

To save her sister a girl must compete in a battle to the death. And it seems that surviving is just one of the challenges she'll have to deal with.

Let me just say this up front: I really loved a fair amount of this book. And by a fair amount I mean approximately 3/4ths of it. It had me hook line and sinker.

That being said, it somehow managed to completely destroy that hold in the last 1/4. I mean...wow. Just wow. I said something similar about The Sister Brothers, but let me clarify: The Sister Brothers' ending was just a little disappointing because it seemed to lack the purpose and charm the rest of the book had. The Hunger Games, however, trashed the entire story. I mean lazy writing and bizarre choices were flying everywhere.

I could rant about it for a long time (and I have done so to some poor friends of mine who couldn't care less). So I won't inflict that on you. Especially since to properly rant about it I'd need to spoil the entire ending, because that's where the main problems lie. Let's just leave it at this: unlike Stephanie Meyer, Suzanne Collins can actually write well. However, there are certain things she doesn't know how to write and she uses rather clumsy and lazy methods to try and cover it up. You can build a good plot with some lazy pieces, but you need to have the proper keystone to lock it all together. And I just feel this book lacks that keystone element and so the plot just ends up collapsing at the end.

“When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold. My fingers stretch out, seeking Prim's warmth but finding only the rough canvas cover of the mattress. She must have had bad dreams and climbed in with our mother. Of course, she did. This is the day of the reaping.

I prop myself up on one elbow. There's enough light in the bedroom to see them. My little sister, Prim, curled up on her side, cocooned in my mother's body, their cheeks pressed together. In sleep, my mother looks younger, still worn but not so beaten-down. Prim's face is as fresh as a raindrop, as lovely as the primrose for which she was named. My mother was very beautiful once, too. Or so they tell me.

Sitting at Prim's knees, guarding her, is the world's ugliest cat. Mashed-in nose, half of one ear missing, eyes the color of rotting squash. Prim named him Buttercup, insisting that his muddy yellow coat matched the bright flower. He hates me. Or at least distrusts me. Even though it was years ago, I think he still remembers how I tried to drown him in a bucket when Prim brought him home. Scrawny kitten, belly swollen with worms, crawling with fleas. The last thing I needed was another mouth to feed. But Prim begged so hard, cried even, I had to let him stay. It turned out okay. My mother got rid of the vermin and he's a born mouser. Even catches the occasional rat. Sometimes, when I clean a kill, I feed Buttercup the entrails. He has stopped hissing at me.

Entrails. No hissing. This is the closest we will ever come to love.”

46.

The Most Human Human:

What Talking With Computers Teaches Us About What It Means To Be Alive

by. Brian Christian

A man decides to try and be the most convincing human at the Loebner competition, but to do that he's first got to learn what exactly it is to act like a human.

I should probably explain a couple things right off the bat, otherwise this book just won't make sense to some of you. The Loebner competition is a well known Artificial Intelligence competition. More specifically a competition where people pit their AI programs against one another by means of Turing test. You see a Turing test is a type of test designed to see if humans can tell whether they are talking to a real person or with a computer. Contestants instant message with a group of humans and computers, then try to guess which ones were people and which ones were computers.

Now that that is out of the way, this book was fascinating. Brian Christian lands the role of one of the humans in the Loebner competition and sets out to train to be the most convincing human he can be and win the competition's "Most Human Human" award. So he starts training to be the best human he can be. While doing so he starts to uncover some fascinating ideas about what being human really means and what it'd mean if a machine beat us at it.

My one criticism is that the writer often doesn't seem to realize what writing for a layman means, as he occasionally seems rather condescending in what he chooses to explain, and other times doesn't explain complex and esoteric parts at all. Despite those times, however, it really was one of the most interesting science books I read this year.

“If, or when, a computer wins the gold (solid gold, remember) Loebner Prize medal, the Loebner Prize will be discontinued forever. When Garry Kasparov defeated Deep Blue, rather convincingly, in their first encounter in '96, he and IBM readily agreed to return the next year for a rematch. When Deep Blue beat Kasparov (rather less convincingly, I might add) in '97, Kasparov proposed another rematch for '98, but IBM would have none of it. They immediately unplugged Deep Blue, dismantled it, and boxed up the logs they'd promised to make public. Do you get the unsettling image, as I do, of the heavy-weight challenger who, himself, rings the round-ending bell?

The implication seems to be that—because technological evolution seems to occur so much faster than biological evolution, years to millenia—once Homo sapiens is overtaken, it won't be able to catch up. Simply put, the Turing test, once passed, is passed forever. Frankly, I don't buy it.

IBM's odd anxiousness to basically get out of Dodge after the '97 match suggests a kind of insecurity on their part that I think is very much to the point. The fact is, the human race got to rule the earth—okay, technically, bacteria rule the earth, if you look at biomass, and population, and habitat diversity, but we'll humor ourselves—the fact is, the human race got to where it is by being the most adaptive, flexible, innovative, and quick-learning species on the planet. We're not going to take defeat lying down.

No, I think that, while certainly the first year that computers pass the Turing test will be a historic, epochal one, it does not mark the end of the story. No, I think, indeed, that the next year's Turing test will truly be the one to watch—the one where we humans, knocked to the proverbial canvas, must pull ourselves up; the one where we learn how to be better friends, artists, teachers, parents, lovers; the one where we come back. More human than ever. I want to be there for that.”

47.

Sum:

Forty Tales From the Afterlife

by. David Eagleman

A collection of possible versions of what comes after we die.

I got this book from the library on a whim after putting myself on the waitlist for a different book he had written. I really don't know how to describe it, but it's one of those books you just keep thinking back to long after you've read it. The different versions of the afterlife he comes up with are all intriguing and beautiful in their own ways. You find yourself to be uplifted in a very odd way after reading them. They're all rather short so it's a very easy book to pick up and read a section from.

Ineffable

“When soldiers part ways at war's end, the breakup of the platoon triggers the same emotion as the death of a person—it is the final bloodless death of the war. This same mood haunts actors on the drop of the final curtain: after months of working together, something greater than themselves has just died. After a store closes its doors on its final evening, or a congress wraps its final session, the participants amble away, feeling that they were part of something larger than themselves, something they intuit had a life even though they can't quite put a finger on it.

In this way, death is not only for humans but for everything that existed.

And it turns out that anything which enjoys life enjoys an afterlife. Platoons and plays and stores and congresses do not end—they simply move on to a different dimension. They are thing that were created and existed for a time, and therefore by the cosmic rules they continue to exist in a different realm.

Although it is difficult for us to imagine how these beings interact, they enjoy a delicious afterlife together, exchanging stories of their adventures. They laugh about good times and often, just like humans, lament the brevity of life. They people who constituted them are not included in their stories. In truth, they have as little understanding of you as you have of them; they generally have no idea you existed.

It may seem mysterious to you that these organizations can live on without the people who composed them. But the underlying principle it simple: the afterlife is made of spirits. After all, you do not bring your kidney and liver and heart to the afterlife with you—instead, you gain independence from the pieces that make you up.

A consequence of this cosmic scheme may surprise you: when you die, you are grieved by all the atoms of which you were composed. They hung together for years, whether in sheets of skin or communities of spleen. With your death they do not die. Instead, they part ways, moving off in their separate directions, mourning the loss of a special time they shared together, haunted by the feeling that they were once playing parts in something larger than themselves, something that had its own life, something they can hardly put a finger on.”

48. 49. 53.

Abarat
Abarat: Days of Magic, Nights of War
Abarat: Absolute Midnight

by. Clive Barker

Candy Quackenbush comes from the most boring town in the world, until the day she finds an ocean in the Midwestern prairies and travels to a world where there is an island for every hour of the day.

The Abarat series is one of my absolute favorites. Most people know Clive Barker for his horror writing, but it is his Children's books that I love. The best kids' stories are the ones that have those elements of real darkness and his mastery over that is what really separates his books from other authors. His tale of the Abarat is overflowing with imagination. It spills over the pages, both figuratively and literally as he creates hundreds of color paintings that inhabit the pages of the books.

At first glance it would be easy to dismiss it as just another Wizard of Oz/Chronicles of Narnia type of story, however, I would argue that it is quite different. Its scope is much grander and its approach much less traditional. Just when you assume that you've got the story figured out and the plot predicted, the story will twist out of your grasp and into an uncharted territory you hadn't seen coming.

“The storm came up out of the southwest like a fiend, stalking its prey on legs of lightning.

The wind it brought with it was as foul as the devil's own breath and it stirred up the peaceful waters of the sea. By the time the little red boat that the three women had chosen for their perilous voyage had emerged from the shelter of the islands, and was out in the open waters, the waves were as steep as cliffs, twenty-five, thirty feet tall.

"Somebody sent this storm," said Joephi, who was doing her best to steer the boat, which was called The Lyre. The sail shook like a leaf in a tempest, swinging back and forth wildly, nearly impossible to hold down. "I swear, Diamanda, this is no natural storm!"

Diamanda, the oldest of the three women, sat in the center of the tiny vessel with her dark blue robes gathered around her and their precious cargo pressed to her bosom.

"Let's not get hysterical," she told Joephi and Mespa. She wiped a long piece of white hair out of her eyes. "Nobody saw us leave the Palace of Bowers. We escaped unseen, I'm certain of it."

"So, why this storm?" said Mespa, who was a black woman, renowned for her resilience, but who now looked close to being washed away by the rain beating down on the women's heads.

"Why are you so surprised that the heavens would complain?" Diamanda said. "Didn't we know the world would be turned upside down by what just happened?"

Joephi fought with the sail, cursing it.

"Indeed, isn't this the way it should be?" Diamanda went on. "Isn't it right that the sky is torn to tatters and the sea put in a frenzy? Would you prefer it if the world did not care?"

"No, no of course not," said Mespa, holding on to the edge of the pitching boat, her face as white as her close-cropped hair was black. "I just wish we weren't out in the middle of it all."

"Well, we are!" said the old woman. ...”

50.

Catching Fire

by. Suzanne Collins

Katniss Evergreen must compete in the Hunger Games again. But this time? It's personal.

Like I said earlier, I really like 3/4ths of The Hunger Games. I liked that 3/4ths enough to gamble on the fact that she was capable of writing something interesting. However, this book isn't like that 3/4ths. It is like the last crappy bit. Except longer. And quite possibly dumber. As you might guess I have not read the third book and chances are very good that I just won't bother.

“Last year, the supplies were spread out quite a distance around the Cornucopia, with the most valuable closest to the horn. But this year, the booty seems to be piled at the twenty-foot-high mouth. My eyes instantly home in on a golden bow just in arm's reach and I yank it free.

There's someone behind me. I'm alerted by, I don't know, a soft shift of sand or maybe just a change in the air currents. I pull an arrow from the sheath that's still wedged in the piled and arm my bow as I turn.

Finnick, glistening and gorgeous, stands a few yards away, with a trident poised to attack. A net dangles from his other hand. He's smiling a little, but the muscles in his upper body are rigid in anticipation. "You can swim, too," he says. "Where did you learn that in District Twelve?"

"We have a big bathtub," I answer.”

Post-It Greetings: Part 2

2011-12-08T09:37:00.033-06:00

Here's another batch of those post-it note greetings I've been doing recently. Perhaps you'll notice that they're occasionally moving further away from actual greetings. You might also notice that I accidentally used the same greeting twice in a row! Just think, if I wasn't here to tell you that that happened by pure chance because I haven't been doing them exactly in order and many of them were done days apart, you'd just think I was incredibly lazy!

Post-It Greetings: Part 1

2011-12-07T07:39:00.050-06:00

While messing around on Facebook one day I thought to myself, "Instead of posting a greeting on someone's wall, wouldn't it be funny to write a greeting on a post-it and then post a picture of it?". I decided that the answer was yes. Yes, that would be funny. Or at the very least it would be weird enough to add a touch of confusion to someone's day. And sometimes isn't that close enough?

Greg's Keys

2011-10-02T03:57:00.013-05:00

I arrived at work on Saturday to find that while I had remembered my house keys, I had forgotten my work keys. Luckily my broworker Greg had his and lent them to me for the night. To thank him for his generosity and kindness I taped eyes on all his keys...because that's what friends do...right?

Unfortunately the only camera I had with me was my phone and it can't take close ups well. But I found that if I added a cartoon filter in Gimp they became passable. So just in case you were wondering why they're all fancy and whatnot.

Anyways, it's high time for Key Time!

Key 1:

Key 2:

Key 3:

Key 4:

Key 5:

Key 6:

Book List 2011: Part 4

2011-08-09T15:10:00.009-05:00

Yet another list of books? It's like Christmas day!

Except not at all like that.

* = reread

31.

Being Wrong:

Adventures in the Margin of Error

by. Kathryn Schulz

An in-depth look at wrongness. What it is, how we think about it, and why it bothers us so much.

We all hate to be wrong, but why is that? Why do we care so much if we're right? How come we don't mind being wrong when it comes to fiction, in which case we love to be surprised?

These are the kinds of questions that are covered in this book. Another one of those sciencey nonfiction books that I've been reading a lot of this year. Anyways I loved the subject, I loved the ideas it brought up. The only thing that really bothered me was that parts of it were kind of...boring? That isn't the right word, because it was dealing with such interesting things...and yet some parts just triggered something that made me tune out a lot. It has a bit to do with her writing style, but I also have to blame the typeface. Never before have I complained about a book's typeface choice, but this one was not good. It is a little too small and a little too...I dunno...something...I don't know enough to be able to express what it was I didn't like about it. Although I do know that its asterisks were freakishly small and I could never notice them, which was a total pain.

But anyways the subject matter was definitely interesting enough to make up for any minor grudges I might have against it. Fascinating stuff, I tells ya. Fascinating stuff.

“If we relish being right and regard it as our natural state, you can imagine how we feel about being wrong. For one thing, we tend to view it as rare and bizarre—an inexplicable aberration in the normal order of things. For another, it leaves us feeling idiotic and ashamed. Like the term paper returned to us covered in red ink, being wrong makes us cringe and slouch down in our seat; it makes our hearts sink and our dander rise. At best we regard it as a nuisance, at worst a nightmare, but in either case—and quite unlike the gleeful little rush of being right—we experience our error as deflating and embarrassing.

...

Of all the things we are wrong about, this idea of error might well top the list. It is our meta-mistake: we are wrong about what it means to be wrong. Far from being a sign of intellectual inferiority, the capacity to err is crucial to human cognition. Far from being a moral flaw, it is inextricable from some of our most humane and honorable qualities: empathy, optimism, imagination, conviction, and courage. And far from being a mark of indifference or intolerance, wrongness is a vital part of how we learn and change. Thanks to error, we can revise our understanding of ourselves and amend our ideas about the world.”

32.

Deadline

by. Mira Grant

“But when the springtime turns to dust
(A thousand shades of blood and rust)
And everything is ash and stone
(Contagion writ in blood and bone)
Then what exists to have and hold?
(What story, then, has not been told?)
Let this be my sacred vow
(Oh Mother Mary, hear me now):
I will not fail, I will not fall
(Though Heaven, Hell, and Chaos call).
We are the children of the Risen.
This world our home, this prayer our prison.”

The second book in the Newsflesh triology.

Perhaps you'll remember Feed? It was the 2nd best book I read last year and it just might be one of my top 10 favorite books. Anyways, this is the sequel to that and it is awesome. It's a sequel so I can't say anything much about it without ruining bits of the plot. But the series does an absolutely amazing job of creating a fascinating and believable world. Mira Grant does her homework. She's audited classes on epidemiology, she's talked with everyone from medical professionals to gun nuts. All the information that she collects is never regurgitated back out to show how smart she is, it gets used in many subtle little ways that just make the world she's created so believable.

Anyways, I love this series. It's thrilling, it's interesting, and it's just plain fun.

“"I'm not sure Joe here is going to give us a choice." I glanced at the mastiff. He was sitting calmly behind our little group, blocking the only other exit from the narrow row between the tunnels. "Besides, we've come this far. Don't you want to find out what the big secret the Wizard has to share with us?"

"Maybe she's planning to give you a brain," deadpanned Becks.

"If she does, I hope that means you're getting a heart," I replied, and starting walking.

Behind me, Alaric said, almost mournfully, "I just want to go home."”

33.

Unfamiliar Fishes

by. Sarah Vowell

Sarah Vowell looks at the interactions between Hawaii's and the United States that led up to the Hawaiian annexation in 1898.

I have a crush on Sarah Vowell. She is crazy smart, super funny, she's often on This American Life, she even did the voice of Violet in The Incredibles, oh, and she writes history books that are a lot of fun. What more could you ask for in a woman?

So yeah, I'm pretty biased and I enjoyed learning about Hawaii's annexation in a light and amusing yet informational manner.

“The years 1826 and '27 marked the nadir of missionary-seaman relations. The Sandwich Islands section of the ABCFM's annual report in 1827 tiptoes up to its chronicle of disturbing anecdotes. The mortified report states that in Hawaii, "a series of events took place, which, for the honor of our country and of Christendom, the Committee would gladly pass over in silence."

In January of 1826 the demure chronicle contends that the Dolphin, a United States military ship, arrived in Honolulu. "Her Commander expressed his regret at the existence of a law, prohibiting females from visiting ships on an infamous errand." Learning of Hiram Bingham's influence, and determined to procure female companionship for himself and his shipmates, the captain informed the high chiefs "that unless the law against prostitution were repealed, he would come and tear down the houses of the missionaries."

Six or seven members of the Dolphin's crew burst into a religious service Bingham was conducting at a chief's house and threatened him with clubs. Then they went off and broke some windows at the mission house. When the captain arrived on the scene, rather than apologize for his men's threats and vandalism he purported that "he had rather have his hands tied behind him, or even cut off, and go home to the United States mutilated, than to have it said, that the privilege of having prostitutes on board his vessel was denied to him."”

34.*

Leave it to Psmith

by. P.G. Wodehouse

An incident involving a pretty girl and a stolen umbrella sets off a chain reaction of events that embroils the gregarious Psmith into a hotpot of confusion and mistaken identities. But it'll all be worth it if he can get the girl and not have to deal with any fish while doing so.

This book had me laughing out loud a lot. Wodehouse is just so darn witty. Plus unlike a lot of his work this book has crime and action and even guns! I don't know what else to say.

But I will say that even though Psmith is said to wear a monocle I always ignore that fact, because I can't imagine anyone wearing a monocle. Literally. Whenever it is mentioned a monocle will materialize on my mental Psmith and then by the next sentence it will have vanished again.

Also I should warn you that it starts off a little slow, but I assure you that if you just give it a little bit it will definitely be worth your investment.

“ 'Work, work, always work!' sighed Psmith. 'The curse of the age. Well, I will escort you back to your cell.'

'No, you won't,' said Eve. 'I mean, thank you for your polite offer, but I want to be alone.'

'Alone?' Psmith looked at her astonished. 'When you have the chance of being with me? This is a strange attitude.'

'Good-bye,' said Eve. 'Thank you for being so hospitable and lavish. I'll try to find some cushions and muslin and stuff to brighten up this place.'

'Your presence does that adequately,' said Psmith, accompanying her to the door. 'By the way returning to the subject we were discussing last night, I forgot to mention, when asking you to marry me, that I can do card-tricks.'

'Really?'

'And also a passable imitation of a cat calling to her young. Has this no weight with you? Think! These things come in very handy in the long winter evenings.'

'But I shan't be there when you are imitating cats in the long winter evenings.'

'I think you are wrong. As I visualise my little home, I can see you there very clearly, sitting before the fire. Your maid has put you into something loose. The light of the flickering flames reflects itself in your lovely eyes. You are pleasantly tired after an afternoon's shopping, but not so tired as to be unable to select a card - any card - from the pack which I offer...' ”

35.

Sex on the Moon:

The Amazing Story Behind the Most Audacious Heist in History

by. Ben Mezrich

The story of how Thad Roberts stole a collection of priceless moon rocks from NASA and might have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling Belgians.

I didn't realize it until after I finished this book, but this is the guy that wrote Bringing Down the House. He apparently also wrote the book that The Social Network was based on, but I never read that one. It would seem that every book this man writes is the exact same plot: A highly intelligent young man goes to college and while there their brilliance creates a hubris that leads them down the gray area of ethics. And like usual it is done in a novelized style. Which makes it flow much easier, but also means he's probably taking a lot of liberties.

I read this book because it is about a man who stole moon rocks. As it turns out moon rocks are actually worth a LOT of money. I had never heard about this heist before and it intrigues me. The heist it definitely the best part. The rest is okay, but a lot of it seems to be trying to get you to sympathize with the guy, but I just can't do it. He risked his dreams, his job, and the woman he loved, so he could steal national treasures. He did it despite the fact that it would mean not only disgracing the organization that had been so good to him, but also a man that had been nothing but kind to him. Oh, and he cheated on his wife. So to hell with him. Now tell me more about these moon rocks!

“"Dr.Cooper, what's in there?"

She looked up from her computer list.

"That's where we keep the return samples."

"Return samples?"

"That's right. The rocks that have been sent out, studied, and sent back."

Thad stared at the little midget door. Of course, the return samples would be kept separately—they'd been taken out of the pristine, controlled environment of the vault, used in experiments—they weren't useful as research samples anymore. But still, it seemed odd that they would be locked away in an even deeper corner of the vault.

"Don't worry," Cooper continued. "We'll be inventorying them as well. There's a safe in there, a few feet tall, it's really kind of cute. Even though the return samples themselves are basically considered trash."

Trash—that seemed like a particularly harsh way to describe the return samples. They were still moon rocks, brought back by hand by the Apollo astronauts. Thad had a strange feeling—like he was suddenly back in the museum at the University of Utah, sifting through crates of fossils in a storage basement. One man's trash, another man's treasure. Except, in this case, it was such an unbelievably significant treasure. It seemed shameful to think of it as trash.

"The return rocks—they're still just as valuable as the rest, right?"

"The whole point of this place is to house lunar materials to be used by scientists for experimentation. The monetary value of these rocks is kind of beside the point. And I wouldn't get hung up on the whole trash concept—only about two percent of the entire collection is in the return vault."

Two percent of eight hundred and forty-two pounds. Thad did the math in his head. That meant there were seventeen pounds of moon rock in the return vault. Locked away in a safe designated as trash. Seventeen pounds, at 453 grams to a pound—that was 7,701 grams of moon rock. At $5 million a gram...

"Forty billion dollars," Thad whispered, staring at the midget door.”

36.

Demon Fish:

Travels Through the Hidden World of Sharks

by. Juliet Eilperin

A look at the historical and present day interactions between humans and sharks.

I was really excited about this one. I love sharks and so I was fascinated to find a book that wasn't just another info book about sharks, but one that dealt with human interactions with sharks. The book starts out just like I was expecting as it deals with the tribes of people that worshiped sharks and the role sharks have played in various religions. However, we quickly learn that the history of human interactions with sharks is this: Humans kill sharks. We kill an absolutely staggering amount of sharks. Why? Because we want sharksfin soup (a soup that's flavor isn't at all dependent on the shark's fin). Because we want to feel manly. And because we're just afraid of them. This is a truly enlightening book. But it does make you feel rather ashamed of the human race. I was watching The Daily Show recently and Jon Stewart was making some very ignorant comments about sharks being mindless killers and I just wanted to yell at him for buying into all that Jaws bullshit. So...you know...watch out for being instilled with some rage against people who speak ill of sharks.

“A relentless worker, Myers only stopped producing when he was felled in 2006 by an inoperable brain tumor. He died at fifty-four on March 27, 2007; that week the journal Science published his last, groundbreaking paper: it provided convincing evidence that the decimation of sharks in the Atlantic had produced a cascade of unintended effects that were distorting ecosystems up and down the East Coast. He and his colleagues calculated that between 1970 and 2005, the number of scalloped hammerhead and tiger sharks declined by more than 97 percent, and bull, dusky, and smooth hammerhead sharks dropped by more than 99 percent. During that same period nearly all of the sharks' prey species exploded: the cownose ray population off the East Coast expanded to as much as forty million. They became the thugs of the ocean, rampaging and pillaging in their quest to sustain their ever-rising number. Cownose rays eat tremendous amounts of bay scallops, oysters, and soft-shell and hard clams, and by 2004 their consumption of nearly all the adult scallops in the North Carolina sounds forced the state to shutter its century-old bay scallop fishery.

Charles H. "Pete" Peterson, a professor of marine sciences, biology, and ecology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who co-authored the paper, says its findings proved researchers had just "scratched the surface of the implications" of eliminating sharks from a given ecosystem."”

37.

The Great Gatsby

by. F. Scott Fitzgerald

A story of wealth, societal classes, America, and love gone wrong.

It seems that this is a book that most people read in school. I, however, never had to read it in school, but after reading it I can understand why it is often assigned there. It's rather short and...well, I don't want to say the writing style is simplistic, because that conjures the idea that it isn't good writing. Perhaps "concise" is a better word? Regardless, there aren't any lengthy bouts of flowery verse that you have to read multiple times before you really understand what it's saying. Some authors spend pages describing every element of some view to you, splashing more and more detail onto the scene. Fitzgerald, however, is adept at giving you just the right amount of detail and feeling in a simple phrase to let you create the rest details yourself. For example:

"I had on a new plaid skirt also that blew a little in the wind, and whenever this happened the red, white, and blue banners in front of all the houses stretched out stiff and said tut-tut-tut-tut, in a disapproving way."

"She was in the middle thirties, and faintly stout, but she carried her surplus flesh sensuously as some women can. Her face, above a spotted dress of dark blue crepe-de-chine, contained no facet or gleam of beauty, but there was an immediately perceptible vitality about her as if the nerves of her body were continually smouldering."

I don't really know what to say about it. It strikes me as a kind of book that won't change your life, and yet will float about your head making little impacts on your thoughts for a long time. So all in all I'm glad I gave it a read. Plus it'll also give you an added appreciation for these Kate Beaton comics.

“We walked through a high hallway into a bright rosy-colored space, fragilely bound into the house by French windows at either end. The windows were ajar and gleaming white against the fresh grass outside that seemed to grow a little way into the house. A breeze blew through the room, blew curtains in at one end and out at the other like pale flags, twisting them up toward the frosted wedding-cake of the ceiling, and then rippled over the wine-colored rug, making a shadow on it as wind does on the sea.

The only completely stationary object in the room was an enormous couch on which two young women were buoyed up as though upon an enchanted balloon. They were both in white, and their dresses were rippling and fluttering as if they had just been blown back in after a short flight around the house. I must have stood for a few moments listening to the whip and snap of the curtains and the groan of a picture on the wall. Then there was a boom as Tom Buchanan shut the rear windows and the caught wind died out about the room, and the curtains and the rugs and the two young women ballooned slowly to the floor.”

38.

Moonwalking With Einstein:

The Art and Science of Remembering Everything

by. Joshua Foer

The story of an ordinary man who briefly made memory his life and how he won the US Memory Championships after only studying for a year.

Think about this: Mary Roach, Jonah Lehrer, and Dan Ariely all have quotes featured on the cover of this book. In case you've forgot, all of them have also been featured on this year's book list. Apparently I must be circling books of a common type.

Joshua Foer manages to pull of that difficult task for a non-fiction book, and that is to give a study about something scientific a plot and a human face. More specifically the science is that of memory, the face is his own, and the plot is his life. While covering a piece about a competition between memory athletes Foer keeps getting told that their brains aren't special, that anyone could memorize the precise order of decks of playing cards if they really wanted to. And he ends up giving it a try to find out if that is really the case, all the while researching just what memory is all about.

If it was just straight up science I'm sure it would have been interesting, but it wouldn't have been nearly as compelling. It's similar to an A.J.Jacobs story in the way it is a fun story about a man who experiments on himself, how those experiments affect his life, and what he's learned at the end of it all. I like A.J.Jacobs' books and I liked this one as well. It was a lot of fun and it makes you really appreciate memories.

“So why bother investing in one's memory in an age of externalized memories? The best answer I can give is the one that I received unwittingly from EP, whose memory had been so completely lost that he could not place himself in time or space, or relative to other people. That is: How we perceive the world and how we act in it are products of how and what we remember. We're all just a bundle of habits shaped by our memories. And to the extent that we control our lives, we do so by gradually altering those habits, which is to say the networks of our memory. No lasting joke, invention, insight, or work of art was ever produced by an external memory. Not yet, at least. Our ability to find humor in the world, to make connections between previously unconnected notions, to create new ideas, to share in a common culture: All these essentially human acts depend on memory. Now more than ever, as the role of memory in our culture erodes at a faster pace than ever before, we need to cultivate our ability to remember. Our memories make us who we are. They are the seat of our values and source of our character. Competing to see who can memorize more pages of poetry might seem beside the point, but it's about taking a stand against forgetfulness, and embracing primal capacities from which too many of us have become estranged. That's what Ed had been tryin got impart on me from the beginning: that memory training is not just for the sake of performing party tricks; it's about nurturing something profoundly and essentially human.”

39.

American Gods:

The Tenth Anniversary Edition

by. Neil Gaiman

On the day he gets out of prison Shadow gets the news that his wife has died. While heading home to attended the funeral he runs into a strange man calling himself Wednesday who is looking to hire him. A war is brewing, the old gods versus the new, and Shadow soon finds himself caught in the middle of it.

Honestly, I have no idea what to say about this book. Never before have I come across a book that I simultaneously thought was both amazing and a complete piece of shit. On one hand the plot and the ideas were interesting, the writing was well done, and the way it portrayed some of the gods was really fascinating. On the other hand the main characters were some of the worse I've ever seen, most of the story seemed superfluous, and the ending was anti-climatic. But the main character...I still can't believe how bad he is. In fact, I could rant on and on about how the main character of this book is the world's dullest character. You can ask my friends, because they've had to hear this rant as I was reading the book. But I won't rant and rave here.

After hearing my confusion over all the good qualities and bad qualities of this book a friend asked me, "Well, would you recommend it?" And that made me think. I came to the conclusion that if you like dark fantasies, folklore, and travel stories, I would recommend this book. Just make sure you're reading it for those elements, and not for the story or the characters. I will also point out that as I was reading this I couldn't help but think about Terry Pratchett's book Small Gods. I could almost swear a lot of this was cribbed from that book. I mean a one-eyed god needs help from a human to try and reclaim his power? Someone beat you to this story, Gaiman. Actually, you know what? Just go read Small Gods instead. It's got amazing characters, a better plot, more profound ideas, and in general is just a lot more fun.

“"Wednesday pushed the paper away. "Fucking Johnny Appleseed, always going on about Paul Bunyan. In real life Chapman owned fourteen apple orchards. He farmed thousands of acres. Yes, he kept pace with the western frontier, but there's not a story out there about him with a word of truth in it, save that he went a little crazy once. But it doesn't matter. Like the newspapers used to say, if the truth isn't big enough, you print the legend. This country needs its legends. And even the legends don't believe it any more."

"But you see it."

"I'm a has-been. Who the fuck cares about me?"

Shadow said softly, "You're a god."

Wednesday looked at him sharply. He seemed to be about to say something, and then he slumped back in his seat, and looked down at the menu and said, "So?"

"It's a good thing to be a god," said Shadow.

"Is it?" asked Wednesday, and this time it was Shadow who looked away.”

40.

Before I Go to Sleep

by. S.J. Watson

Christine wakes up every morning to find that she can't remember where she is or even the majority of her own life. Every day her husband Ben has to tell her about her accident and fill her in about her own life. Then when she goes to sleep at the end of the day she'll forget everything once again. But something else happens everyday, everyday someone calls to reminds her that she's been keeping a journal and thus everyday the first thing sees when she opens it is the sentence "DON'T TRUST BEN" written in her own handwriting.

I got this book on a whim after seeing it on some list of good summer reads because it sounded interesting. I wasn't expecting much, but it turned out to be really exciting. It was also kind of fun because you can tell she used some of the same sources Walking With Einstein used. I don't really want to say much about this book because I don't want to ruin any surprises. So just know that I enjoyed it so much that I read it in a day because I just continuously had to see what happened next!

“My name is Christine Lucas. I am forty-seven. An amnesiac. I am sitting here, in this unfamiliar bed, writing my story dressed in a silk nightie that the man downstairs—who tells me that he is my husband, that he is called Ben—apparently bought me for my forty-sixth birthday. The room is silent and the only light comes from the lamp on the bedside table—a soft orange glow. I feel as if I am floating, suspended in a pool of light.

I have the bedroom door closed. I am writing this in private. In secret. I can hear my husband in the living room—the soft sigh of the sofa as he leans forward or stands up, an occasional cough, politely stifled—but I will hide this book if he comes upstairs. I will put in under the bed, or the pillow. I don't want him to see I am writing in it. I don't wan to have to tell him how I got it.

I look at the clock on the bedside table. It is almost eleven; I must write quickly. I imagine that soon I will hear the TV silenced, a creak of a floorboard as Ben crosses the room, the flick of a light switch. Will he go into the kitchen and make a sandwich or pour himself a glass of water? Or will he come straight to bed? I don't know. I don't know his rituals. I don't know my own.

Because I have no memory. According to Ben, according to the doctor I met this afternoon, tonight, as I sleep, my mind will erase everything I know today. Everything I did today. I will wake up tomorrow as I did this morning. Thinking I am still a child. Thinking I still have a whole lifetime of choice ahead of me.

And then I will find out, again, that I am wrong. My choices have already been made. Half my life is behind me."”

Postcard Extravaganza: #1

2011-07-07T01:04:00.004-05:00

To answer your questions: Yes, it has been a long while since I said I'd send people postcards. And Yes, I haven't made much progress on them. And Yes, I still plan to send all you requesters postcards. It's just that my time is often sucked away by 2 part-time jobs, the search for more/better jobs, and doing fun things like reading to distract me from my poverty. But rest assured that before the year is out I will have gotten to them all.

As we have seen I'm doing these rather sporadically, so instead of posting them in set batches—like I did last time—I'm just going to post whatever I've done whenever I feel like it.

Here's the first card! It was for my cousin Natasha.

Hopefully number two will be along shortly, but it is taking me forever. It involves drawing a lot of things that I am horrible at drawing and thus I have started to become afraid of working on it. But I already have thumbnails for 3 & 4 so after I conquer my fears the cards of the second card the next few should should flow out much quicker.

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 3

2011-07-01T12:45:00.004-05:00

-Warning: There is some naughty language going on in some of these poems.-

-...there's actually quite a lot of naughty language...-

-...and some drug references...-

-...in fact I'm gonna lose my poetic license over this...-

-...so consider yourself warned.-

One Wish

If I had one wish
I'd wish for a unicorn.
One with a silvery coat
and a wondrous unihorn.

I'd ride it everywhere I went
and feed it only syrup.
I'd look so very dashing
when my feet were in the stirrups.

Everyday when I got up
I'd brush its handsome mane,
Then I'd eat some breakfast
and do some more cocaine.

Mister Sunflower

Oh look, there he is,
the infamous Mr. Sunflower.
He never laughs or smiles,
he just frowns and stares and glowers.

You'd swear he had no emotion;
his face is just so dour.
And his personality is so dry
he'd be more aptly called a "flour".

All the kids are scared of him,
when he's around they cower.
I guess when you get right down to it
for a bright and yellow sunflower
he's sure not a very fun flower.

School Nurse

Oh, who is the one at school
who loves to fight and curse?
Why who else could it be
but our foul mouthed school nurse.

She likes to hit, she likes to spit,
she loves to start up fights,
and if you ask her not to
she'll just punch right out your lights.

I tried to tell me parents,
but they just laughed as if I were joking
and said, "You can only be so mad
at the one who prevents all you kids from croaking.

Chromatic Perception

There was a girl
who loved to twirl
and who could see what others can't;
she could see emotions
as colored oceans
of a streaming beauty that would enchant.

The feeling dread
was colored red.
The feeling joy light blue.
Lust was a sheen
of minty green,
but love was a pinkish hue.

So when she spun
the colors would run
into a cacophony of pigmentation.
And when she felt unsure,
she could still see the allure
of a world with such colorful sensations.

Catfight

How dare you call me a bitch
you slutty little cunt!
The only men you've ever got
were the ones who knew you love to grunt.

You goddamned dirty tramp,
you pretentious little cocksucker!
You think you could steal my man
with your nasty Bangkok pucker?

You wanna start something you piece of shit?
I'll stab you right in your dirty cooch!
He's my man and he would never submit
to fuck some skanky pooch,

What do you mean 'your man',
you cankerous crabbed up whore?
I'll tell you right now that my pussy
is the only one that man adores.

You must got semen in your brain
from all your back alley boning.
Just yesterday he and I spent the night
doing some really kinky moaning.

Wait a sec, are you for real?
That cheating motherfucker!
You sayin' he slept with me last afternoon
then left to get his cock another sucker?

What? Last afternoon?
That shit stained pencil prick!
He told me he had gone to church,
that dishonest douchebag dick!

Fuck, that motherfucker had best watch out
'cause I'm gonna rip off his goddamn penile erection
then shove it so far up his ass
it'll be like getting fucked by intravenous injection.

Not before I slice open
his sack of furry balls
then shove 'em right up his cock
like they were supposed to be urethral.

Hey girl, you know, I'm really sorry,
I know mom raised use to be sisters
and we really shouldn't have been fighting
over some worthless fucking mister.

Yeah, I'm sorry too
'bout all those things we said.
How about we go see him together
and make that man-whore dead?

Haha, you know I love you, right?
Even though you one crazy bitch.

Yeah, I know, and I love you too,
though you a skanky warty witch.

Dogs Can't Talk

I'm very glad my dog can't talk,
I don't think he'd have much to say
and I'd rather not have to listen
to how he spent his day.

Every day a boring story
about how he licked his balls
or another awful anecdote
about every squirrel he saw.

I can do without that irritation
and prefer these normal barks of his
because overall I'm quite content
with my dog just as he is.

An Eclectic Figure

Has anyone ever told you
that you look a little strange?
Not because of the clothes you wear,
but because of how you were arranged.

I mean you've got temples on your face
and a bridge right on your nose.
A crown upon your head
and an arch right by your toes.

And I have to wonder what they study,
those pupils in your eyes,
though it must be horticulture
for their irises should win a prize.

There are nails in your hands and feet
and hammers in your ears.
There's a set of cheeks upon your face
and another set upon your rear.

Instead of just a set of 2 arms,
like any normal person should,
you've got another set of 4 arms
and all those arms just can't be good.

There's a button in your belly,
a crack right through your butt,
a soul in both your feet,
and punctuation in your gut.

But despite all the things wrong with you
and though you don't look as a person should,
I still really have to say
that I think you actually look quite good.

Sea Cow Blues

Behold the gentle manatee
that's robbed me of my sanity.
I can't start sleeping
'til it stops weeping
and yelling out profanity.

OR

It seems I'm now a manatee,
I've been robbed of my humanity.
I just called that witch
a stupid bitch
and it seems she hates profanity.

Rock, Scissors, Paper

Knock, knock, Hello?
It's Rock!
The toughest SOB
on the whole city block.
And if your name is Scissors
I'll make you disappear
because I'll always crush
each and every pair of shears.
The Papers try to diss me,
but that's just 'cause they miss me,
wanna get up on me
to try and hug and kiss me.
So you better hide your kids
and you better hide your wife
'cause that Paper is a raper
so this Rock makes sure his doors are locked
My allure is irresistible,
you won't need 2 of 3,
after just one meeting
you'll see that I'm the strongest guaranteed.

Yo, yo, Scissors is my name,
cuttin' bitches is my game
and you'll swear I was a virus
by the way I decimate Papyrus.
So unless Paper knows some magic
his end will just be tragic,
so he better call a wizard
'cause his ass is gettin' Scissored.
And don't get me started
on that fat-ass Rock.
Chubby motherfucker,
all meat no cock.
My play is all about finesse,
but that fool ain't got no common sense
'cause there's no room for brains
in a mass thats just plain dense.
Although you will need a soap and scrubber
if he hits you with that blubber,
but he better get a grip
before I snip, snip, snip.

Both your boastin' is just damp air: water vapor.
Everybody know
that there's no toppin' Paper.
Scissors has an ego
and he thinks he's very keen,
but when your ass is getting pounded
it's hard to look that mean.
As for Rock, he's all talk
and he thinks he's awfully tough,
but when you see him belly flop
you can see the closest he comes to crushing
is drinking some orange pop.
But when I smother out his breath
and bring about his timely death,
you'll never find the body
'cause like the combination of a dirty cop
and little pup,
I'm a pro and burying bones
and a pro at cover-ups.

Puzzling Fun

Oh my god, I'm just so bored.
But you know what would be fun?
A brand new jigsaw puzzle,
one that weighs a freaking ton.

We are going to have a blast
sorting through its million pieces.
We'll never be bored again
because the fun only increases!

...okay, so it's been two hours
and I'll admit that I was wrong.
I think we're in over our heads;
a puzzle this big does not belong.

I mean, this puzzle is impossible
and there are puzzle pieces everywhere.
They're coating every surface...
Oh jeez, they're even in my hair!

We'll never find all the pieces,
to try this was foolish I'll confess.
Anyways I guess I'll be heading home,
but good luck with all this mess.

The Autumn Wind

Into the inky darkness of the night
and through the woods I roam.
The only thing inside my head:
the thought of getting home.

The sounding of my footsteps
echoes through the dark
and then is muffled by the silence
of the trees' ever quiet bark.

Like the rattle of a snake
comes the rustle of the leaves,
the sounding of an omen
that send chills right through my sleeves.

Curving 'round the moonlight
and slipping past the leaves,
comes the deathly hollow hand
of the icy autumn breeze.

From then on we walk together,
just the autumn breeze and me,
as it takes from my limbs their feeling
and as it whispers lies with glee.

Oh, the autumn wind may haunt me
and cut into my bones,
but it remains my friend
because at least when we're together
I don't have to be alone.

Jesse Heiman: Prenatal Infant

2011-06-24T20:41:00.004-05:00

In April I received this check for the security deposit on my old house:

Professionalism & Dinosaur Stamps

2011-06-21T04:12:00.008-05:00

There's something eerie about applying for a job you've applied for in the past. Especially when the last time you applied you never heard back from them. It's like calling out to someone in the dark. When you call out to them the first time you have a hope that they'll respond. Yet you're met with silence and so you call out again. This time a little of that hope is gone and a little more doubt takes hold. Who knows what will happen? Maybe someone will call back, maybe something will attack from the darkness, or maybe you'll just be met with silence once again.

You might remember that I've applied to the MCAD Art Cellar&Bookstore before. It did not go over as planned. Apparently demonstrating being a fun personality and easy conversationalist isn't the right plan for a situation like this. But the position is open again and thus I am back again. This time I've scaled back my approach and made the whole thing a little more professional. However, I am not good at wearing suits and sending out boring job applications. No sir. My ties have the three stooges on them and my job applications have fancy fonts and dinosaur stamps!

Because, ladies and gentleman, that is just how I roll.

Book List 2011: Part 3

2011-06-13T08:40:00.001-05:00

Hey it's another Book List! You must be so very excited.

Or maybe not. Either way here it is.

* = reread

21.

The Assignation

by. Joyce Carol Oates

A collection of short stories dealing with relationships.

The cover and some of its reviews would make you think that this book is about love or sex or romance or something. But it's not. Those are all elements in some of the stories, but I think that the subject that ties these stories together is "Relationships". Relationships between lovers, between husbands and wives, between strangers, between families. It's always hard talking about collections because there's so much to them. Of course I enjoyed some stories more than others. Some of them were riveting, others delicately moving, and some of them were too long, others just confusing. But over all I'm glad I gave it a read.

“She knew that she was in love, he was the person she thought about, obsessively, even when she believed she wasn't thinking of anyone or anything at all. At night when she slept alone, which was most nights; during the day when she made her way like a sleepwalker through a delicate equilibrium of forces,—benevolent forces, dangerous forces, tugs and swerves and unexpected careenings of good and bad luck. If she did things right he would love her, if she did things wrong he would stop loving her, the universe was as simple and as terrible as that: the truth we've always known.”

22.*

Ender's Game

by. Orson Scott Card

Humanity barely survived when the Buggers came to Earth. Now no one knows if or when they'll strike again. A strong military is now an absolute necessity. The best and brightest kids are send to Battle School where they learn to fight and they learn to win. Ender Wiggin is the smartest and most capable kid they've ever met, but because of that he is constantly being tested, forced, denied, and even hated. But what happens when a kid who just wants to be loved is always forced to fight?

As some of you may remember, this is one of my favorite books. This makes it a very hard book to talk about; it's quite challenging to condense all the things I love about it into single talking points. Do I talk about the interesting plot and the great pacing? Do I talk about the exciting battles? Or do I talk about the intriguing characters? In the end I think it all comes down to the fact that it's relatable. The desire of wanting to be loved, the guilt of hurting someone else, the pain of being hurt, the loneliness of feeling like an outcast. These are all things I think we can all relate to and they're all wrapped up in a great story.

“"It goes deeper than that. Being here alone with nothing to do, I've been thinking about myself, too. Trying to understand why I hate myself so badly."

"No, Ender."

"Don't tell me 'No, Ender.' It took me a long time to realize that I did, but believe me, I did. Do. And it came down to this: In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them—"

"You beat them." For a moment she was not afraid of his understanding.

"No, you don't understand. I destroy them. I make it impossible for them to ever hurt me again. I grind them and grind them until they don't exist."”

23.

The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ

by. Philip Pullman

An alternative telling of the story of Jesus and his brother Christ.

I should've known better than to read a religious book by Philip Pullman. I mean if you've read his His Dark Materials series you'll know he's made his views on religion very clear. I guess I'll start with the things I liked.

I would say the book's great strength is in how it presents Jesus as a real person and how it presents an alternative version of his miracles. It really illustrates how stories can get away from us and of how quick people are to see things the way they want to see them. If this book was done by someone else, someone who had a modicum of respect for the source material, it probably could've been great. However, Pullman's condescending attitude seeps into the text and in the end you're left without any regard for any of the characters. And chances are that was his intent. His Jesus is a pompous jerk and his Christ is an ignorant liar. The whole thing seems like a blunt attack by someone who thought they were being subtle.

“Knowing how highly Jesus had regarded John, some of those followers of the Baptist came to Galilee and told him what had happened; and Jesus, wanting to be alone, went out in a boat by himself. No one knew where he had gone, but Christ let one or two people know, and soon the word got around. When Jesus came ashore in what he thought would be a lonely place, he found a great crowed waiting for him.

He felt sorry for them, and began to speak, and some people who were sick felt themselves uplifted by his presence, and declared themselves cured.

It was nearly evening, and Jesus' disciples said to him 'This is the middle of nowhere, and all these people need to eat. Tell them to go away now, and find a village where they can buy food. They can't stay here all night.'

Jesus said 'They don't need to go away. As for food, what have you got between you?'

'Five loaves and two fishes, master; nothing else.'

'Give them to me,' said Jesus.

He took the loaves and the fishes, and blessed them, and then said to the crowd 'See how I share this food out? You do the same. There'll be enough for everyone.'

And sure enough, it turned out that one man had brought some barley cakes, and another had a couple of apples, and a third had some dried fish, and a fourth had a pocketful of raisins, and so on; and between them all, there was plenty to go round. No one was left hungry. And Christ, watching it all and taking notes recorded this as another miracle.”

The Death and Life of the Great American School System:

How Testing and Choice Are Undermining Education

by. Diane Ravitch

An expert discusses the state of the American school system and the problems it's facing.

This is really a fascinating book. More than that it's compelling. Diane Ravitch actually used to be a supporter of testing and choice in schools, that is until the evidence started piling up and she had to admit she was wrong. Because of this she has an intimate understanding of both sides of the argument. Couple that with the loads of examples, studies, and other evidence (the weapons of a historian of education) she is uniquely suited to rip apart the arguments of her opponents. Even if you're a fan of testing and choice in schools, you'll still learn all about the history of public education, and why public education is so important. It really is a fascinating book and I highly recommend you check it out.

“So, depending on which economist or statistician one preferred, the achievement gap between races, ethnic groups, and income groups could be closed in three years (Sanders), four years (Gordon, Kane, and Staiger), or five years (Hanushek and Rivkin). Over a short period of time, this assertion became an urban myth among journalists and policy wonks in Washington, something that "everyone knew." This particular urban myth fed a fantasy that schools serving poor children might be able to construct a teaching corps made up exclusively of superstar teachers, the ones who produced large gains year after year. This is akin to saying that baseball teams should consist only of players who hit over .300 and pitchers who win at least twenty games every season; after all, such players exist, so why should not such teams exist? The fact that no such team exists should give pause to those who believe that almost every teacher in almost every school in almost every district might be a superstar if only school leaders could fire at will.”

25.

The Wave:

In Pursuit of the Rogues, Freaks, and Giants of the Ocean

by. Susan Casey

A look at the truly gigantic waves that inhabit our oceans through the eyes of the people who study them, the people who experience them, and the people who ride them.

This book has so many of the elements that I love in a good nonfiction book: It's about a subject I didn't know anything about, it's full of interesting information, and it's exciting to read. I don't really know what to say about it. There are huge, just absolutely HUGE, waves going on out there. And where you find waves of that size...well, let's say that things are never boring when there's a giant wave around.

“The earthquake's impact on Alaska reads like a list of special effects for a high-budget disaster movie: gaping cracks opened in the ground releasing clouds of sulfurous gas; areas of land suddenly liquefied. Anchorage was all but destroyed that night; an entire suburb slid into the sea. The port city of Valdez was assailed by fifty-foot waves and ended up partly underwater, and in Whittier, population seventy, a pair of forty-footers killed thirteen. At Seward, an oil-storage depot exploded into a fireball, and giant waves picked up an oil tanker and deposited it on land. The waves, now filled with flaming debris, went on to hit the Texaco oil installation, and it too exploded. Fiery forty-foot walls of water wiped out Seward's waterfront, its power plant, and most of its houses. These fire-waves then struck the railyard, where they swept a 120-ton locomotive with an eighty-boxcar train more than three hundred feet inland. The boxcars, also filled with oil, burst like popcorn. Meanwhile the fishing town of Kodiak lost its entire hundred-boat fleet.

The waves sped south toward Canada, smacking Vancouver Island, and continued on to Washington and Oregon. In all of these places they caused destruction and death, but on a mercifully smaller scale. Californians had received warnings that the tsunami was headed their way, but no one was overly concerned. The waves seemed to be fading.

Until they arrived at Crescent City.

High tide had risen and it was close to midnight when the Three Sisters showed up, a trio of waves surging south under a starry, full-moon sky. These first three were ocean Valkyries; they leveled the lower part of Crescent City, scouring two miles inland. Power lines collapsed, fire erupted, people were pinned against ceilings in flooded buildings. Twenty-nine blocks were left underwater, 172 businesses and 91 homes erased. Ten died. But it was the fourth wave that delivered the knockout punch, winding up by draining the harbor, and then rushing back at the land, coming in as a malignant black wall studded with logs, metal, plastic, glass, cars, trucks, home appliances, junk, treasures, bodies.

It was a very bad night. Entire buildings were knocked off their foundations and dragged away. More things exploded. A house ended up on Highway 101. And water, everywhere there was water, swirling like the contents of a demonic blender. The world as everyone in Crescent City knew it had turned darkly aquatic.”

26.

A Geography of Time:

The Temporal Misadventures of a Social Psychologist,

or How Every Culture Keeps Time a Little Bit Differently

by. Robert Levine

A look at the relativity of time throughout different cultures and how changing your sense of time changes your perspective on the world.

Time is such a fascinating subject. Partially because it seems so mundane. And that is exactly what makes this books so interesting. It points out all these ideas that you, or at least I, have never stopped to consider. How time has influenced the ways people live their lives, how our perceptions of time vary so wildly, how much frustration is created when your sense of time conflicts with someone else's.

So you know what to expect, the book is written in a different style than a lot of sciencey nonfiction books. It's done in much more of a bathroom reader fashion, where it's ideas are generally segmented into little sections that make it very easy to read a bit and then put it down. I kind of like how easy it is to slip in and out of it, but I kind of don't like how that also means it's hard to really get immersed in the material. But, as long as you know what to expect I don't think you'll have a problem.

“Before the invention of the first mechanical clocks, the idea of coordinating people's activities was nearly impossible. Any appointments that had to be made usually took place at dawn. It is no coincidence that, historically, so many important events occurred at sunrise—duels, battles, meetings.”

27.

The Gospel of Food:

Everything You Think You Know About Food is Wrong

by. Barry Glassner

A debunking of the ideas surrounding food.

I read this book because Barry Glassner recently became the president of my alma mater, Lewis & Clark College. I wasn't expecting much, but it ended up being a great book. You're always hearing theories about food being thrown around as fact. Sometimes you hear the same things theories in documentary after documentary, and article after article, all reiterating the same ideas about food. This books debunks what we think we know about food. It takes a look at what the facts are saying,what people are saying, and at the discrepancies in between.

My only criticism of the book is that Glassner walks a thin edge between scientific and anecdotal. If a book is straight up science it can get a little dry, but if it's straight up anecdotes then it loses some credibility. I feel as though in some chapters he slips a little too far into the anecdotal style and thus those parts feel a little too experience based. But overall I think he does a good job of straddling the line.

...Okay, I lied. I actually have two criticisms. The other one is that its cover design is just awful. I could go on about the many reasons I don't care for it, but that's neither here nor there.

“No one would seriously argue ice cream as a health food, though in fact that advice is no less fallacious than its opposite, a faulty logic that assumes if a steady diet of something is harmful, going without it must be healthful. That wrongheaded reasoning is rampant. For one of his studies, Paul Rozin presented the following scenario to a diverse sample of Americans: "Assume you are alone on a desert island for one year and you can have water and one other food. Pick the food that you think would be best for your health." Seven choices were offered: corn, alfalfa sprouts, hot dogs, spinach, peaches, bananas, and milk chocolate.

Fewer than one in ten people chose hot dogs or milk chocolate, the two foods on the list that come closest to providing a complete diet because of the fats and other nutrients they contain.

In response to another set of questions, half of Rozin's respondents said that even very small amounts of salt, cholesterol, and fat are unhealthy. More than one in four believed that a diet totally free of those substances is healthiest, when in reality, of course, they are crucial nutrients for human health. Without them, we could not survive.

Most nutrition writers are not likely to correct those misconceptions. Their goal is not to elucidate the virtues of hot dogs, fats, and seasonings, but rather, as Emily Green put it, "to keep nasty food out of people's mouths." Nor is there much incentive for other journalists to challenge the conventional wisdom. Those who do typically find themselves accused off being an enemy of public health.”

28.

Decoded

by. Jay-Z

Rapper Jay-Z writes about his life, his music, and in doing so offers a perspective off a world many don't understand.

This book is just impressive. It's definitely one of the best things I've read this year, if only because it was able to dispel some of my ignorance about some things. Through his words you really can start to understand rap and the culture generally associated with it. It's easy to think that rap often glorifies violence and drugs and all that, but in the same sense it's also easy to think ill about people you don't know. Jay-Z is smart. He is able to eloquently explain things you thought you understood, but actually don't understand. He points out that people who grew up in nice neighborhoods don't understand the culture of areas like where he grew up. Thus they aren't able to follow the references and wordplay of rappers from such a culture. And even when someone can't understand most of a song their ears may still manage to catch some profanity or maybe a few lines about drugs and violence and they'll think they understand what the song was about. Jay-Z not only explains these ideas, but throughout the book he has pieces of his lyrics that he's annotated. He explains what the songs are about and what the references mean. I think everyone should read this book if only to help them understand a part of America that perhaps they just don't know enough about.

If that wasn't enough the book just looks amazing. Whoever designed it and did the layouts did a fantastic job.

“But great MCing is not just about filling in the meter of the song with rhythm and melody. The other ways that poets make words work is by giving them layers of meaning, so you can use them to get at complicated truths in a way that straightforward storytelling fails to do. The words you use can be read a dozen different ways. They can be funny and serious. They can be symbolic and literal. They can be nakedly obvious and subliminally effective at the same time. The art of rap is deceptive. It seems so straightforward and personal and real that people read it completely literally, as raw testimony or autobiography. And sometimes the words we use, nigga, bitch, motherfucker, and the violence of the images overwhelms some listeners. It's all white noise to them till they hear a bitch or a nigga and then they run off yelling "See!" and feel vindicated in their narrow conception of what music is about. But that would be like listening to Maya Angelou and ignoring everything until you heard her drop a line about drinking or sleeping with someone's husband and then dismissing her as an alcoholic adulterer.”

29.

A Fictional History of the United States With Huge Chunks Missing

edited by. T Cooper & Adam Mansbach

A collection of short stories surrounding historical events in the United States.

I didn't like this book. Possibly because it told me it was going to be a different kind of book than it was. I even went as far as to write down quotes from it's introduction and elsewhere so I could point out all the little ways in which it completely misrepresented itself. But I don't want to bother with it.

It claims it's some great work that takes a look at the unrepresented parts history through the lens of fiction. However, it is just a collection of random short stories. Sure they take place during certain historical events...but couldn't that be said of any story?

Anyways, here's an excerpt from the first story. It is the best one and the one that exemplifies what I thought the rest would be like.

“Long before anyone reached the eastern shores of America, this story goes, the continent was visited from the other side, by Japanese fishermen who were blown across the Pacific by a storm. They reached the Aleutian Islands, which were just like the country they had left, but rockier and more desolate, and infested with a small black biting fly unknown in Japan. Driven almost mad by these insects, the Japanese fishermen sailed down the coast as far as California, which looked just like China, only it was more arid and there were no temples. For reasons that this story does not supply, the fishermen wandered inland as far as New Mexico, where they lived for many years. They taught the natives to make pots, and to paint them with decorative patterns; they taught them the Japanese words for blue and yellow, and showed them how to burn their dead. There was so much they wanted to teach the natives! But most of their knowledge was useless in this desert country: no point in showing the natives how to fish, or how to build boats. As for the rest—the construction of huts, or the weaving of tatami mats—the natives already had their own way of doing things. Discouraged, the Japanese fishermen traveled overland back to California, where they found their boats half buried in sea grass. They cut themselves free and set out to sea; almost at once they were carried back to Japan by a storm blowing in the opposite direction. To this day, in parts of New Mexico, you can find fragments of pottery with designs on them that could be Japanese; also, Japanese and Zuni share the words ha and mo. which mean leaf and spherical object, respectively.”

30.*

Overqualified

by. Joey Comeau

A series of unusual cover letters that tell a story about the man behind them.

Everything Joey Comeau does is amazing, but everything he does is amazing in a different way. As some of you may recall he is the writer for one of my absolute favorite webcomics A Softer World. It is slightly hard to describe, but his greatest ability is how he is able to present ideas in such a manner that changes how you view and think about them.

This is a favorite book of mine. I won't even bother describing it because you can't get a better description than the one on the back of the book.

“Cover letters are all the same. They're useless. You write the same lies over and over again, listing the store-bought parts of yourself that you respect the least. God knows how they tell anyone apart, but this is how it's done.

And then one day a car comes out of nowhere, and suddenly everything changes and you don't know if he'll ever wake up. You get out of bed in the morning, and when you sit down to write another paint-by-numbers cover letter, something entirely different comes out.

You start threatening instead of begging. You tell impolite jokes. You talk about your childhood and your sexual fantasies. You sign your real name and you put yourself honestly into letter after letter and there is no way you are ever going to get this job. Not with a letter like this.

And you send it anyway.”

It's a book that takes the form of a collection of cover letters. When they're read separately they're hilarious/delightful/thought provoking entities.

“Dear Irving Oil, I am writing to apply for a job with your company, and I have included my resume for your review. You will find that every reference and each previous job will check out as valid, but I think that it's important to be honest: my assigned mission is to take you down, from the inside.”

But they're all written by the same character and as you read through them you start to learn more about him.

“I am teaching her to pick locks. She's a little bewildered by all this attention, I think. I am living in the guest room. I bought some locks so we can practice. Picking locks is surprisingly easy. She learns quick, too, my grandmother. She's so sharp.

This morning she asked me, what next? I told her everything is next. We'll learn to pick pockets next, to hack computers and telephone networks, to disarm someone quickly and efficiently, to seduce anyone and steal their keycards while they sleep, to live on submarines.

We'll wake up every day and we'll tell ourselves, 'Live for today, you retarded little shit. The end is near.'”

Timecards 02/03/11-05/16/11

2011-05-28T04:07:00.002-05:00

At the theater where I work we have timecards and thus twice a month we have to fill out a new one. I'm not exactly sure when I started, but for quite a while I've been doing my best to write my name in a different sort of stylized manner on each card. Sadly only recently did I think to start taking pictures of them to catalog them. Some of them were taken from my phone. Some of them were taken with my camera and yet are still crappy pictures. But nevertheless here they are.

[My coworker Francisco asked if he could do a guest signature on a timecard. Since that meant less work for me I gladly accepted his offer. Afterwards I decided to make a card for him, because that only seemed fair.]

Book List 2011: Part 2

2011-05-14T02:24:00.003-05:00

Yep, it's another book list! Here's the next set of books I've read this year. Even though 33% of this set were done by the same author, I think you'll still appreciate the wide swath of genres represented. We've got horror, romance, comedy, history, fantasy, and even a western. Maybe one of them will even pique your interests?

* = reread

11.

Heart-Shaped Box

by. Joe Hill

A former rock star buys a ghost, but gets more than he bargained for when his past comes back to haunt him.

This book surprised me. I wasn't expecting anything more than a simple offbeat ghost story and, to be fair, in the beginning that's what it was. Yet, if you give it a little while it creates something really great. When it comes to ghost stories we've seen it all and yet this is something new. At its surface this is a story about a man who's running from a ghost and trying to destroy it before it destroys him, but if you look a little deeper its also the story about a man who's on the run from his past.

“He climbed the stairs and started back down the hall to the bedroom. His gaze drifted to an old man, sitting in an antique Shaker chair against the wall. As soon as Jude saw him, his pulse lunged in alarm, and he looked away, fixed his gaze on his bedroom door, so he could only see the old man from the edge of his vision. In the moments that followed, Jude felt it was a matter of life and death not to make eye contact with the old man, to give no sign that he saw him. He did no see him, Jude told himself. There was no one there.”

12.*

Throne of Jade

by. Naomi Novak

In order to stay together Laurence and Temeraire are forced into going on a diplomatic mission to China. However, no matter where they go it seems forces are working to get Laurence out of the picture.

This is the sequel to His Majesty's Dragon and it's kind of a strange book in that it's mostly middle. The vast majority of the book is them at sea. It's like an Indiana Jones film if most of the movie was Indy on a plane instead of just using that quick red-line-tracing-over-a-map shot. If the book wasn't part of a series I'd say this was a significant flaw, but in context I liked it. After all the thing I enjoy about the Temeraire books is the world that's been created; the plot is almost secondary. So even though plot-wise nothing much happens in the book, I still thought it was a lot of fun.

“The Allegiance rocked abruptly over to one side, and Laurence was thrown against the railing; on the far side of the ship, a great jet of water fountained up and came splashing down upon the deck, and a monstrous draconic head lifted up above the railing: enormous, luridly orange eyes set behind a rounded snout, with ridges of webbing tangled with long trailers of black seaweed. An arm was still dangling from the creature's mouth, limply; it opened its maw and threw its head back with a jerk, swallowing the rest: its teeth were washed bright red with blood.

Riley called for the starboard broadside, and on deck Purbeck was drawing three of the gun-crews together around one of the carronades: he meant to point it at the creature directly. They were casting loose its tackles, the strongest men blocking the wheels; all sweating and utterly silent but for low grunting, working as fast as they could, greenish-pale; the forty-two-pounder could not be easily handled.

"Fire, fire, you fucking yellow-arsed millers!" Macready yelling hoarsely in the tops, already reloading his own gun. The other Marines belatedly set off a ragged volley, but the bullets did not penetrate; the serpentine neck was clad in thickly overlapping scales, blue and silver-gilt. The sea-serpent made a low croaking noise and lunged at the deck, striking two men flat and seizing another in its mouth; Doyle's shrieks could be heard even from within, his legs kicking frantically.”

13.

True Grit

by. Charles Portis

A young girl hires a grizzled Marshall to help her get revenge on the man who murdered her father.

Did I read this solely because I saw the 2010 Coen brother's movie? Yes. Yes I did. I loved that movie, so when I was told that a lot of the great dialogue in it was directly from the book I had to check it out. However, the movie is better. I hope you know me well enough to know what it means for me to be saying that as I do not say such things lightly. The story is great, the dialogue is great, the characters are great, but the delivery is weak. For instance the author has a ridiculously annoying habit of putting the "I said"s at the beginning of a sentence instead of at the end. If it wasn't for the movie, I probably would have had a lot of praise for the book; it's a very clever story with some very witty dialogue. However, the movie fixed all the things I had a problem with and even made some improvements beyond that. Thus when I read the book its flaws seemed all the more apparent to me.

“"I have slept out at night. Papa took me and Little Frank coon hunting last summer on the Petit Jean."

"Coon hunting?"

"We were out in the woods all night. We sat around a big fire and Yarnell told ghost stories. We had a good time."

"Blast coon hunting! This ain't no coon hunt, it don't come in forty miles of being a coon hunt!"

"It is the same idea as a coon hunt. You are just trying to make your work sound harder than it is."

"Forget coon hunting. I am telling you that where I am going is no place for a shirttail kid."

"That is what they said about coon hunting. Also Fort Smith. Yet here I am."

"The first night out you will be taking on and crying for your mama."

I said, "I have left off crying, and giggling as well. Now make up your mind. I don't care anything for all this talk. You told me what your price for the job was and I have come up with it. Here is the money. I aim to get Tom Chaney and if you are not game I will find someone who is game. All I have heard out of you so far is talk. I know you can drink whiskey and I have seen you shoot a gray rat. All the rest has been talk. They told me you had grit and that is why I came to you. I am not paying for talk. I can get all the talk I need and more at the Monarch boardinghouse."”

14.

The Big Over Easy

by. Jasper Fforde

It appears that Humpty Dumpty has been murdered and it's up to Jack Spratt and the Nursery Crime Division to solve the case.

I don't know what else to say about this book other than that it's a lot of fun. It does something I love which is to take something silly and take it seriously. Terry Pratchett has said that Discworld was the result of him taking a serious look at fantasy. In the same sense Fforde has taken a serious look at Nursery Rhymes. Humpty Dumpty has fallen of a wall and no one is going to put him back together: he's dead. The mystery however? Well, that's what's really left to try and piece together. I'll warn you that there are a lot of references being thrown about in this book: references to nursery rhymes, fairy tales, and literature. The writing is clever enough that you can definitely enjoy it without knowing all the references, but if you're familiar with the things being referenced the book is all the more enjoyable.

“The yard was shaped as an oblong, fifteen feet wide and about thirty feet long, surrounded by a high brick wall with crumbling mortar. Most of the yard was filled with junk—broken bicycles, old furniture, a mattress or two. But at one end, where the dustbins were spilling their rubbish onto the ground, large pieces of eggshell told of a recent and violent death. Jack knew who the victim was immediately and had suspected for a number of years that something like this might happen. Humpty Dumpty. The fall guy. If this wasn't under the jurisdiction of the Nursery Crime Division, Jack didn't know what was. Mrs. Singh, the pathologist, was kneeling next to the shattered remains dictating notes into a tape recorder. She waved a greeting at him as he walked in but did not stop what she was doing. She indicated to a photographer areas of particular interest to her, the flash going off occasionally and looking inordinately bright in the dull closeness of the yard.

Briggs had been sitting on a low wall talking to a plainclothes policewoman, but as Jack entered, he rose and waved a hand in the direction of the corpse.

"It looks like he died from injuries sustained falling from a wall,"Briggs said. "Could be accident, suicide, who knows? He was discovered dead at 0722 this morning."

Jack looked up at the wall. It was a good eight feet high. A sturdy ladder stood propped up against it.

"Our ladder?"

"His."

"Anything else I need to know?"

"A couple of points. Firstly, you're not exactly 'Mr. Popular' with the seventh floor at present. There are people up there who think that spending a quarter of a million pounds on a failed murder conviction fro three pigs is not value for money—especially when there is zero chance of getting it into Amazing Crime Stories."

"I didn't think justice was meant to have a price tag, sir."

"Clearly. But it's a public-perception thing, Spratt. Piglets are cute; wolves aren't. You might as well try and charge the farmer's wife with cruelty when she cut off the mice's tails with a carving knife."

"I did."

"And?"

"Insufficient evidence."”

15.

Jane Eyre

by. Charlotte Bronte

An austere woman with a troubled past takes a job as a governess for an unusual man. There is something about him she loves, but there is something he's not telling her, and there are forces that wish to keep them apart and there's something in the house that's out to get them.

I really do make an attempt to just tell you about the books and not really review them (I usually fail, but I do try). I'm sorry to any Jane Eyre fans out there, but I don't get the appeal of this book. Halfway through I wanted to quit, but I continued reading solely because I heard that one of the characters gets seriously maimed and I wanted to be there when it happened. I was reading the book because I wanted the main characters to suffer like I had suffered.

I was led to believe that it was some classic romance on par with Pride and Prejudice, but isn't. Charlotte Bronte isn't even close to being in the same league as Jane Austen. I don't want to spoil that story, but suffice it to say the "romance" in this book is perhaps the most screwed up thing I've ever heard off. However, as dark mystery? Well, as a dark mystery this book still sucks. Which is amazing because look at some of the things that are in this book: a girl whose parents die and is sent to live with abusive relatives, a school so strict and disciplinary that student's are dropping dead, a mysterious house full of secrets, attempted murder, fires, stabbing, insanity, and lies! That sounds awesome! Right? How can you screw that story up? HOW CAN YOU SCREW THAT UP!?

I'll tell you how, by teasing your audience with these things while simultaneously ignoring them, mentioning them only in passing. Example: In the story someone lights fire to a man's bad while he sleeps in an attempt to burn him alive. Jane Eyre saves him, but he then basically tells her not to worry about it and so...she does! She doesn't worry about the fact that her "love" is hiding some major shit and that someone in the house just tried to BURN HIM ALIVE! Not caring if your lover is burned alive, that's what I call love right there.

“"Why, Jane, what would you have? I fear you will compel me to go through a private marriage ceremony, besides that performed at the altar. You will stipulate, I see, for peculiar conditions."

"I only want an easy mind, sir; not crushed by crowded obligations. Do you remember what you said of Céline Varens?—of the diamonds, the cashmeres you gave her? I will not be your English Céline Varens. I shall continue to act as Adéle's governess; by that I shall earn my board and lodging, and thirty pounds a year besides. I'll furnish my own wardrobe out of that money, and you shall give me nothing, but————"

"Well, but what?"

"Your regard; and if I give you mine in return, that debt will be quit."

"Well, for cool native impudence, and pure innate pride, you haven't your equal," said he. We were now approaching Thornfield. "Will it please you to dine with me to-day?" he asked, as we re-entered the gates.

"No, thank you, sir."

"And what for 'no, thank you'? if I may inquire."

"I never have dined with you, sir: and I see no reason why I should now: till———"

"Till what? You delight in half-phrases."

"Till I can't help it."”

16.

The Daughter of Time

by. Josephine Tey

A detective is stuck in the hospital after injuring his leg. To pass the time he finds a mystery to distract him. However, this mystery happened 200 years ago when Richard III murdered his nephews...or did he?

I'm not sure how to describe this book. It is a very interesting and well told mystery about a very confusing subject. It's all about the British monarchy and British history in general so I spent a lot of parts not really understanding who was who and what exactly had gone down. But I read the entire book despite that...so that's gotta tell you something. If you aren't completely ignorant of European history (like I am) then you probably won't have any problems. If you're like me than maybe you'll like the interesting premise, the mystery, and the humor.

“"Grant lay on his high white cot and stared at the ceiling. Stared at it with loathing. He knew by heart every last minute crack on its nice clean service. He had made maps of the ceiling and gone exploring on them; rivers, islands, and continents. He had made guessing games of it and discovered hidden objects; faces, birds, and fishes. He had made mathematical calculations of it and rediscovered his childhood; theorems, angles, and triangles. There was practically nothing else he could do but look at it. He hated the sight of it.

He had suggested to The Midget that she might turn his bed around a little so that he could have a new patch of ceiling to explore. But it seemed that that would spoil the symmetry of the room, and in hospitals symmetry ranked just a short head behind cleanliness and a whole length in front of Godliness. Anything out of the parallel was hospital profanity. Why didn't he read? she asked. Why didn't he go on reading some of those expensive brand-new novels that his friends kept on bringing him?

"There are far too many people born into the world, and far too many words written. Millions and millions of them pouring from the presses every minute. It's a horrible thought."

"You sound constipated," said The Midget.”

17.

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

by. Mark Twain

The story of modernity meeting history. The story of medieval chivalry meeting American ingenuity. The story of a Connecticut Yankee finding himself in the court of King Arthur.

If this book hadn't been recommended to me I would never have touched it. The [blank] in King Arthur's court plot line has been responsible for some of the dumbest movies around. A Kid in King Arthur's Court, Black Knight, A Knight in Camelot, "A Decepticon Raider in King Arthur's Court". But apparently this is where it all came from. And it was written by Mark Twain! Who'd have thunk it? Despite the horrors it has birthed, it is actually a very fun book. I was laughing out loud at a couple of parts. Taking ideas we take for granted and putting them in a setting where they're unheard of is pretty hilarious. My only problem with the story was that the main character is way too smart. Here is a short list of some of his skills: he can mix together explosives, he can build a gun, he can synthesize his own form of plastic, he can organize a military, he can organize a school, he can build a working telephone, and he can build an electrical generator. I mean holy shit. A telephone? From medieval components? Bullshit.
Bull.
Shit.

“"Your name please?"

"I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an it please you."

"Do you know anybody here who can identify you?"

"That were not likely, fair lord, I being come hither now for the first time."

"Have you brought any letters—any documents—any proofs that you are trustworthy and truthful?"

"Of a surety, no; and wherefore should I? Have I not a tongue, and cannot I say all that myself?"

"But your saying it, you know, and somebody else's saying it, is different."

"Different? How might that be? I fear me I do not understand."

"Don't understand? Land of—why, you see—you see—why, great Scott, can't you understand the difference between your—why do you look so innocent and idiotic!"

"I? In truth I know not, but an it were the will of God."”

18.

The Eyre Affair

by. Jasper Fforde

It's up to Literary Detective Thursday Next to stop the world's greatest criminal when he takes Jane Eyre hostage.

I don't know what to say about this. I don't think it was for me, but I do appreciate a lot of it. It creates a world that intimately loves literature, and that world is actually very intriguing. A world where counterfetting books is a big business, where productions of Richard III can have the same audience interaction as Rocky Horror, and where machines will deliver lines from shakespere for a quarter.

“ "What will you do after this?" asked Rochester, pointing out a rabbit to Pilot, who barked and ran off.

"Back to SpecOps work, I guess," I replied. "What about you?"

Rochester looked at me broodingly, his eyebrows furrowed and a look of anger rising across his features.

"There is nothing for me after Jane leaves with that slimy and pathetic excuse for a vertebrate, St. John Rivers."

"So what will you do?"

"Do? I won't do anything. Existence pretty much ceases for me about then."

"Death?"

"Not as such," replied Rochester, choosing his words carefully. "Where you come from you are born, you live and then you die. Am I correct?"

"More or less."

"A pretty poor way of living, I should imagine!" laughed Rochester. "And you rely upon that inward eye we call a memory to sustain yourself in times of depression, I suppose?"

"Most of the time," I replied, "although memory is but one hundredth of the strength of currently felt emotions."

"I concur. Here, I neither am born, nor die. I come into being at the age of thirty-eight and wink out again soon after, having fallen in love for the first time in my life and then lost the object of my adoration, my being!..."

He stopped and picked up the stick Pilot had considerately brought him in place of the rabbit he couldn't catch.

"You see, I can move myself to anywhere in the book I wish at a moment's notice and back again at will; the greatest parts of my life lie between the time I profess my true love to that fine, impish girl and the moment the lawyer and the fool Mason turn up to spoil my wedding and revel the madwoman in the attic. Those are the weeks to which I return most often, but I got to the bad times too——for without a yardstick sometimes the high points can be taken for granted. Sometimes I muse that I might have John stop them at the church gate and stall them until the wedding is over, but it is against the way of things."”

19.

The Fourth Bear

by. Jasper Fforde

The notorious killer the Gingerbreadman is on the loose. The Nursery Crime Division isn't allowed anywhere near the case, but luckily their other case, the case of Goldilock's murder, seems to be be connected somehow. Unluckily Jack Spratt is suspended until he can prove that he isn't crazy.

Overall, I would say this sequel to The Big Overeasy isn't as good as the original. The references aren't as clever and the chapter introductions are significantly weaker. That being said, it is still a lot of fun. It's still the same great characters and great dialogue that made the first book so enjoyable. Plus the gingerbreadman makes for a much more interesting threat than there was present in the first book. Basically, if you're gonna take a look at this series, start with the first one. If you liked that one then you'll probably like this one as well.

“ "The Gingerbreadman is not an NCD investigation, Sergeant. You know that."

"It was a coincidence, sir," she responded confidently. "Do you think I would be crazy enough to tackle him on my own?"

"Perhaps not you," said Briggs, glancing at Jack. Briggs thought for a moment and narrowed his eyes. "This isn't a plot device number twenty-seven, is it?" he asked suspiciously.

"The one where my partner gets killed in a drug bust gone wrong and I throw in my badge and go rogue?" replied Jack innocently. "I don't think so, sir."

"No, not that one," countered Briggs in a state of some confusion. "The one where you try and find the Gingerbreadman on the sly and make Copperfield and me look like idiots."

"That would be a twenty-nine, wouldn't it?" put in Mary, who wasn't going to miss out on the fun.

"No, no," said Jack, "Briggs means a twenty-six. A twenty-nine is where the bad guy turns out quite inexplicably to be the immediate supervisor."

"A twenty-six,"said Briggs, "yes, that's the one."

"What about it?"

"You're not doing that one are you?"

"No, sir," replied Jack. "I'm suspended awaiting a psychological appraisal, and I don't know what plot device that is."

"Got to be well over a hundred," suggested Mary helpfully. ”

20.

A Closer Shave:

Man's Daily Search For Perfection

by. Wallace Pinfold

An assortment of historical facts, tidbits, and advice about shaving.

I've become very curious about how exactly women have ended up in the shaving game. I keep hearing competing things about the history of women's shaving. I tried to find some book to illuminate my confusion, however, it seems that a book about shaving and women does not exist. In fact, there are hardly any books about the history of shaving at all and they are pretty much entirely male centric. This book is certainly a strange and slightly illiminating little look at shaving, but it is definitely male focused. However, it does provide some interesting information though. For instance we have more hairs than chimpanzees. It just doesn't seem that way because their hairs are much coarser. Crazy!

“We consider our decision to shave or not to shave an individual decision. In fact, we're only part right. The decision to shave or let one's beard grow carries a social message and the message changes over time.”

The Yo-Man Cometh

2011-05-12T02:28:00.003-05:00

At the theater where I work we've been showing The Sound of Music. This means that including an intermission it's about a 3.3 hour show. Thus when you show it multiple times in a day you'll quickly start to run out of things to stock and clean. As you know, when this happens I tend to make strange things to pass the time.

This time I noticed a bunch of leftover leaflets that someone had been handing out at a rental a few days prior. They featured a picture of a man in a strange hat. Obviously, I could not resist the call of a picture of a man in a strange hat. I decided to cut out these pictures, make a few modifications, and then hide him around the theater in places that my coworkers (but not the customers) would stumble across.

The result: The Yo-Man!

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 2

2011-04-24T16:56:00.008-05:00

The Rose Knows

There once was a rose
that grew a big nose.

“Oh, swell!
I can smell!”

it said
in its head,

but then started to think
“I don't smell...I stink!”

Winter's Golden Trap

It's snowing in my house today,
it's snowing on the drapes.

It's blocked all the doors today,
I don't know how I will escape.

I'm running out of food today,
but what really make me bellow

Is that it's not snowing white today,
instead it's snowing yellow.

What's In a Name

Beatrice was conceived in a grocery store,
afterwards Reggie fell asleep and started to snore, so
Alice snuck out through the store's back door,
Ned was her husband but was a total bore.
Denise was a miner who loved to mine for ore
and Olivia wasn't human, just a sentient fungal spore.
Nathan was rather foreign and had only come ashore
when Kevin stole his wife from him cause Kevin is a whore.
Orlando was so fat he fell right through the floor;
Reginald lived underneath and wasn't heard from anymore.
Larry was an alias for a Norse god of yore,
Ingrid was afraid of him because she thought he might be Thor
and Nobody is a no-one who you can just ignore.

Amphibian Woodwind

There was a little newt
who wanted to play the flute.
He bought one on sale
and then forever got tail,
'cause a newt with a flute is so cute.

Cousinly Prayers

Oh, dear cousin Carrie,
I hope that you aren't dead.
It would be so very scary
if I learned you'd lost your head.

If you were ever drowned
or were killed by wild birds,
my grief would be profound,
I'd be at a loss for words.

Oh, if you fell down the stairs
I don't know what I would do,
so I guess I'll say some prayers
in the hope that God will spare you.

God protect my cousin
and protect her organ's functionality.
She's not a dime a dozen
and she means a lot to me.

Kailey

Kailey Ukulele
had no one to call her own
and yet she spoke so gaily
unlike the others that were alone.

“Oh, Kailey what's your secret?”
asked the other lonesome strings.
“How can you maintain your artsy wit
when you've got no one to make you sing?”

“Well, it's really rather easy.
I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yourself.
Although some would call it sleazy,
I simply play myself.

You just use one hand to finger
and the other hand to pluck,
then in no time your gasps will linger
as each and every note is struck.”

And the lesson that we learn from the allegory
of the self-reliant lute
is that you don't need to feel sorry
if you don't have some hirsute brute.

To be happy you don't need help from the population,
one only needs oneself
because when you're in the mood for a good vibration
you can always play yourself.

The Tapeworm

I am a friendly tapeworm.
I live inside your gut
and when I reproduce
my eggs come out your butt.

Oh, I am a simple tapeworm,
I like to eat your food,
but I never ask for permission
because, I'll admit, I'm rather rude.

Yes, I am a loving tapeworm
and you'll never be rid of me.
I squirm inside your belly
so won't you be my bestie?

LCC

A - had collected print medias
as well as Encyclopedias,
Yearbooks, and Reference works
(all beloved by shelving clerks).

B - is Philosophy, Psychology,
Religion and Theology.

C - are Sciences of History
like Archeology, Biography,
Heraldry, Coins, Diplomatics
and other things you'll find in attics.

D - has all the World's Histories,
unveiling foreign mysteries.

E - talks about America
with plenty US esoterica.

F - is about America's smaller states,
but is mostly still just facts and dates.
It also includes Mexico and Panama,
and former colonies like Canada.

G - has Human Ecology and Anthropology.
Folklore and Geography,
don't forget Cartography.
Environmental sciences,
Recreation and a bunch of Atlases.

H - has studies of Societies,
Statistics and Economies.

J - covers any Political need,
if that's the thing you'd like to read.

K - is all about the Law,
both those at home and those abroad.

L - is rather Educational
in case you want School to be vocational.

M - is quite easy to remember
'cause Music is it's only member.

N - is all about Fine Arts,
with pieces that will touch your heart.

P - isn't just for Prose,
it's also where Language goes.

Q - will be your favorite path
if you love Science and Math.

R - will help a doctor get a win
because it covers Medicine.

S - has all your Agriculture.
Husbandry and Horticulture.
Hunting and Forestry.
Angling and Fisheries.

T - is Technology and Electronics,
Engineering and Astronautics.
Don't forget it has Photographs,
Home Economics and Handicrafts.

U - is for the Military,
V - is for the Navy.
They both have to do with slaughter,
but one is focused on the water.

Finally we get to Z,
which is all about the books you see,
how to write them and how they get to be
found inside a library.

Priorities

I'm sitting at the hospital
and I think it's all quite clear:
these nurses are not human,
inside they're all just gears.

I never see them eat or sleep,
their work just doesn't stop.
Surely any normal mortal
would be caused to drop.

But it doesn't matter if they're metal,
I think we can agree
that we're just awfully glad they're here
to help take care of ME.

Number Two Blues

In front of the loo there seems to be a massive queue.

I really need to number two and I'm not sure what I should do.

“Sirs,” said I, “would it be fine, if I just skipped this line?

You see, no one's needs compare with mine, my fecal problems just aren't benign.

If I don't get in there you will have to view it when my colon starts to spew it

and my pants, this hall, your favorite shoes, are all covered in organic waste fondue.

What's that? You all say the answer's yes?

My full gratitude I cannot express!

But...

...uh-oh...too late...

Wow...that's really quite the mess.”

The Stalker

I've found I have a stalker
and now I don't feel secure.
I always wonder if he's watching,
of what to do I'm just not sure.

He gets up really early,
probably right at the crack of dawn,
because every morning when I wake up
I see him spreading out upon my lawn.

In the morning he peeps in front,
later on he peeps in back.
I'm never really rid of him
until the sky turns black.

It's only in the nighttime
that he ever takes a break,
but never fail he will return
long before I ever wake.

I guess I'll have to live with it,
there's nothing that can be done.
There's just no escaping it
when your stalker is the sun.

Boy-Man Wizard

Did you hear 'bout Maxwell?
That fearsome boy-man wizard,
he screwed up a simple spell
and now he is a lizard.

And oh that little lizard
was trying to clean his scales
when he was mistaken for a prostitute
and now he lives in jail.

So if there is a moral
to this sordid little tale,
it's that if you mess with magic
it'd be better not to fail.

Ice Cream Murderer

I decided that for dessert
I would have a bowl of ice cream,
but when I tried to scoop it
it let out a fearsome scream.

From its wound there started leaking
a goo that was colored red.
...I think it's only strawberry,
but I'm sure my dessert is dead.

I probably should just leave it,
but I think I'll still have a taste.
I mean...it's not getting any deader
and I don't want it to go to waste.

Salty Love

Oh my dear, I love you,
but it's time for us to part.
And even though I'm leaving,
know you'll always be in my heart.

I never will forget
your delicious taste upon my lips,
but we never could stop there
and soon enough you were on my hips.

I know I'll still see you
everywhere I go,
but I will, I must ignore you
and I won't even stop to say hello.

Our relationship isn't healthy,
it's just cravings and empty lust.
Even though I still desire those things,
the world we live in is too unjust.

So like two star-crossed lovers
departing on separate ships,
know that I will always love you,
my dear, my love, my only...
my darling potato chips.

Love Note From a Pickpocket

My Dear Miss

I was the one that stole your purse,
but now I think that I'm in love.
I know that sounds real stupid—
in my business it's unheard of.

At first I only saw you
as nothing more than a bag of cash
(if I had just looked closer
I would never have been so brash),

But then I saw your photo
on your camera and various I.D.s,
then had a little listen
to some of your MP3s.

I feel that I know you,
even though we've never met.
...Well, unless you count the robbery,
but I really wish that you'd forget.

I can tell you're a good person,
after all you're an organ donor,
so you probably could never love
some thieving little loner.

I would've come in person,
but I'm not sure what I would say...
except that I'm awfully sorry
that things turned out this way.

Anyways, I've got your keys,
so I'll let myself in when you're not home
then just leave your stuff inside
along with this humble little poem.

I know I'm just a pickpocket,
but you've gone and picked my heart.
Once again I'm really sorry
that I messed things up
right from the very start...

Most Sincerely,
Your Pickpocket

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 1

2011-04-22T00:08:00.009-05:00

Undead Stool

Zombies love to eat brains.
The craving drives them insane.
But if you only eat one food group
then you just never will poop.
Zombies don't eat nearly enough grains.

Howard Quinn

Oh, this is a simple story
of a man named Howard Quinn.
He worked at the local quarry
until he turned to gin.

He went to work intoxicated
and caused a fearsome rockslide.
His brain then got inrocksicated
and then, of course, he died.

“Castle”

Oh Beckett, oh Castle,
you are both just so dense.
Would it be too much hassle
to end all the suspense?

Oh, it would be so fulfilling
if you'd show us what we're missing.
We've seen enough killing,
now we want to see some kissing.

Gotta Jett

“Crimson and Clover”
“Rubber & Glue”
“I Hate Myself
For Loving You”

“Frustrated”
“Watersign”
“Had Enough”
“Love Like Mine”

“Victim of Circumstance”
“(I'm Gonna) Run Away”
“Just Like in the Movies”
“Roadrunner” “Someday”

“I Love You Love Me
Love” “Riddles”
“Fake Friends”
“Right in the Middle”

“Love is Pain”
“Cherry Bomb” “Shout”
“You Want in,
I Want Out”

“Insecure” “Little Liar”
“A.C.D.C.”
“Everyday People”
“Don't Abuse Me”

“Tossin' & Turnin'”
“Eye to Eye”
“The Only Good Thing
You Ever Said Was Goodbye.”

Suck It, Apes!

They say that I'm related to an ape
and maybe that's a fact.
But how about we take a look
at our evolutionary tracts.

Hmmm...it's quite apparent
that our genetic paths have crossed,
but it's also very obvious
that one of us Dar-Won
and the other one Dar-Lost.

Sax Education

Bill had never seen a Sax
and thus used it to chop wood.
He was thinking of an axe,
so the sax didn't do much good.

Bernice had never seen a sax
and tried to melt it on a letter.
She was thinking of sealing wax
and here the sax didn't do much better.

Brian was the one to whom the sax belongs
and when he saw it he lamented.
You see a sax us used for playing songs,
but now his was burned and dented.

Dogs Can't Do Much

Dogs cannot play violin.
They cannot read or write.
They cannot say "You're looking thin"
or have a pillow fight.

Dogs cannot bake you a cake
or eat anything made of chocolate.
They cannot grill a juicy steak
or grab a guitar and rock it.

Dogs cannot wash your clothes.
They cannot tell you any jokes.
They cannot shovel when it snows
or set you up with handsome blokes.

For all the things they cannot do,
dogs really are quite lame.
But for all the things they can do,
I love mine all the same.

You Wouldn't Believe The Dream I Had

I was late to school
and thus was walking with great haste,
when suddenly I noticed
that I was being chased.

To get away I started flying
and soon forgot all of my woes,
until I suddenly realized
that I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Just then I started to plummet
and fell right into class,
yet no one seemed to notice
that I was showing my bare ass.

Turns out there was a test that day
that I didn't study for,
but that really didn't matter
when my teeth started falling on the floor.

I asked the school nurse for help,
because I was freaking out,
but instead we started smooching
until I noticed my bladder leaking out.

Some say that dreams are links
to you subconscious brain
and if that's really true
then maybe I'm insane.

The Assassin

I am a skilled assassin,
I've removed a lot of heads.
I don't need to check for pulses,
'cause I know that they are dead.

I am the unseen assassin
and I practice the art of stealth.
You'll never see me coming
until I've imposed upon your health.

I am the ghostly assassin
and I play with people's fates.
There's just nothing you can do
once I've slipped inside your gates.

I am the best assassin
and it's time to say all your goodbyes,
because you only have a moment
until the life drains from your eyes.

Assault With a Wheeled Weapon

A lady came up to Max
and said “Hey, I like your coker.”

Max said “You've seen too much”
and then he tried to choke her.

A man came up to Max
and asked “Did you get a nice new hub?”

Max said “You'll never know”
and then beat him with a club.

A kid came up to Max
and said “Wow, what fancy spokes!”

Max said “You'll regret that”
and slapped the child's folks.

I asked “Hey Max, why do you attack
anyone who gives your unicycle praise?”

He said “It's nothing personal,
it's just the unipeople's way.”

Snoozin'

Oh snooze alarm,
you do me harm.
I always take the bait
then wake up late
because I can't resist your charm.

Mr. French

Have you heard of Mr. French?
The one who's always yelling?
He says he'll dig a great big trench
and then use it for his dwelling.

Have you smelt of Mr. French?
I hear he never showers.
Yet they say he was a stench
that smells a lot like flowers.

Have you seen Mr. French?
He's always wearing plaids.
He carries round a monkey wrench
and a sack of old brake pads.

Have you felt up Mr. French?
That guy who always hustles?
I hear he makes his cheeks clench
to work out his fine butt muscles.

Have you tasted Mr. French?
You can do it while he's sleeping.
He naps under a park bench
and it's totally worth the creeping.

Hobology 101

Greetings class and welcome
to Hobology 101.
I will be your professor
so you're sure to learn a ton.

Hobology is important,
especially in this economy,
but it won't get you a job
because it's a field of autonomy.

Now if you'll take our your syllabus
you'll see the things we're going to learn
and after we've scanned them over
I'll take any question or concerns.

In this class we learn the basics
like how to effectively panhandle.
Then we'll advance to thieving techniques
such as the "Plan and Scandal".

The science of begging and stealing
are the pillars of this field
and you'll never have to fear your future
when you have these skills to wield.

Later, if you choose to continue on
to Hobology 102,
you'll learn how to live without a home
and where to find free shoes.

Toilet Paper Life

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
Sometimes it's soft and pretty,
sometimes it's thin and gritty,
and sometimes it's just shitty.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
You don't think about it when it's present
and when it's running out
you always wonder where it went.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
No matter how much you moan
your kids will always shorten yours
until they finally have to get their own.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
When you have it it's a blessing,
but when it runs out
it's quite depressing.

Not Again

Just outside the bagel shop
and beside a busy street,
there is some ice that makes you drop;
some ice that steals your feet.

By that ice there sits an empty shoe
and next to that a startled dame.
With glasses gone, and hair askew
and probably with a butt that was aflame.

She only wanted to enjoy a cup of joe
and to sip it standing upright,
but in her haste she didn't take it slow
and thus was given quite the fright.

Oh, that poor lass,
whose did desert her,
she fell upon her ass
when gravity did then invert her.

It seems that life prefers you meek
and sometimes you must resign
to accept to feeling pique.
All you can do is just be thankful
that at the very least
your coffee turned out fine.

Earthqauke/Tsunami Disaster in Japan

2011-03-15T11:39:00.003-05:00

As I'm sure you've all heard, a 8.9 magnitude earthquake hit on Friday, March 11th and caused a 30 foot tsunami to hit Japan. Thousands are dead, thousands more are missing. If that wasn't enough the the damage to the infrastructure is palpable. If THAT wasn't enough part of that infrastructure includes nuclear power plants.

In short this is a true disaster and a true tragedy and as reports continue to come in things just keep looking worse.

If all this death, sadness, loss, and fear wasn't enough, I just read an article informing me that some people are making fun of the disaster. Some even going as far as to say it was a karmic incident and that Japan deserved it. To put this in a perspective that Americans can directly relate to, does anybody remember September 11th? Think back to how you felt when that happened and think about how you would have felt if someone was told you that those people deserved to die. It is not okay to say people deserve to die. And it is not okay to put aside our humanity for the sake of embracing our ignorance.

Sometimes incidents occur that are so fundamentally devastating to our human nature that we can hardly begin to comprehend their scale. It is often easy and natural to want to ignore these events or to try to reason them away for the sake of our own peace of mind. However, we cannot give in to such impulses. Though it may shake our nature to confront these ideas, the least we can do is to deal with what happened; to not run away and ignore the situation.

I'm not a journalist, so if you'd like to learn more about this ongoing tragedy here's a link to the Huffington Post page where they have a live update page concerning the quake and tsunami.

If you want to do something to help, here's a link to the Red Cross where you can make a donation. They operate hospitals in Japan and have deployed 700 relief workers across the country already.

Or, if you prefer, here's a link to Doctors Without Borders where you can make a donation. They don't accept any earmarked contributions, but their general support will enable them to carry out their response work there. They send out teams of doctors into hardest-hit and most difficult-to-reach regions and support the government led response in Japan.

Mad Max Mini Comics

2011-03-09T07:08:00.007-06:00

Hey, I got bored and decided to draw some comics. Thus I have spent minutes, that's right Minutes, making stupid comics for you. Not just any stuid comics mind you, but stupid comics about that famous Australian film: Mad Max. I saw this movie for the first time recently and it left me rather confused. For one thing I didn't realize it was an Australian film. For a few minutes I was convinced that for some reason in this dystopian world only Australians had managed to survive. It wasn't until I was trying to figure out why one cop would be arguing with his partner over who gets to sit in the passenger seat that I realized we weren't in the States anymore. The driver's seat is on the other side, Jesse! Yes, yes, I am a moron. Anyways, the entire film left me rather confused. Why are Max and his wife never paying attention to their baby? If gas is so rare how come they can afford to go on a road trip? If Toecutter wants revenge on Max why does it seem more like they're trying to get revenge on Max's wife? Does a sidekick named "Goose" ever survive? How can so many people have seen Mad Max, but so few people have seen The Castle? How is that possible!? I keep getting weird looks whenever I reference it. The world just doesn't make sense sometimes.

Book List 2011: Part 1

2011-03-08T19:23:00.018-06:00

I've decided that instead of doing one huge end-of-the-year list of the books I've read, I will instead just release several smaller lists throughout the year. This way they're a little easier for me to do and they can be a little more thorough. For instance, last time I tried to keep the quotes from the books to a sound bite, but this time I'm going to go ahead and use a long quote if I feel like it. After all the point of the quotes was not for a novelty, but to give you a sense of the writing style of the author. I mean, a book with an interesting plot isn't any good if you aren't personally engaged by the particular writing style. And sometimes you can condense that style into a sentence or two and sometimes you need something a little longer.

But enough of me blabbering about my ridiculous notions and reasonings. Here are the first 10 books I read this year.

* = reread

How to Beat Up Anybody:

An Instructional and Inspirational Karate Book by the World Champion

by. Judah Friedlander

A humorous guide to the world of hyperbolic Karate.

This isn't a guide to real karate. It won't teach you forms and discipline. This is a guide to Karate. You know, the kind that you see in the movies; where people can levitate, punch through walls, and defeat scores of opponents. Admittedly if you try to read this book in one sitting you'll probably get sick of it pretty fast. The hyperbole and ridiculousness of it gets old after a while. However, if you read it a chapter at a time it remains pretty hilarious. Even if it doesn't sound like your kind of thing I'd recommend finding a copy and just perusing the pictures. The pictures are by far that greatest thing about it. You'll see many amazing photos of the author doing things like: fighting a Sasquatch, teaching self offense to strippers, fighting a man with three arms, and even a flip book illustrating his levitation techniques. There is even a whole bit where he dresses as a woman in order to show the ladies of the world the proper way to defeat would-be predators. If you've seen the show 30 Rock you'll know of Judah Friedlander as the character Frank Rossitano, and I assure you that seeing him in a dress beating up street thugs with his purse is a pretty priceless image.

“Hit the attacker with your purse, which you have preloaded with bricks. Then he will leave you alone forever. Your purse is a sexy accessory and an instrument of destruction.”

My Empire of Dirt:

How One Man Turned His Big-City Backyard into a Farm

by. Manny Howard

A man tries to see if he can create a backyard farm to live off of and fails miserably.

When I first heard about the premise to this book I was annoyed. "Do they really think that every one has the time to just start a mini farm in their yard?" I thought haughtily. However, I soon learned that this was actually a cautionary tale. It is about how hard running a farm actually is, especially for someone who wasn't born into it. Poor Manny Howard had to deal with countless setbacks: from animal attacks to marital troubles, from bad soil to tornadoes.

A Word of Warning: if you are a serious animal lover then you should probably avoid this book. A fair amount of the animals end up meeting rather unpleasant ends. I won't go into it, but to clarify I don't necessarily mean "unpleasant ends" as in he kills and eats them...let's just say animal husbandry is a lot harder than it sounds.

“The last thing on Omega Chicken's mind is the location and disposition of the alpha bird. In fact, life for Omega Chicken is so fraught with danger that he would in a heartbeat happily trade life in the chicken run for good old-fashioned despotism. When food gets scarce, as it did on occasion in my chicken run, it is pretty much all over for Omega Chicken. Because the licks he's taking minute by minute, day in, day out, are just about maintaining flock status quo. This is tame stuff compared to the abuse doled out the moment there's a hiccup in the system and the birds above him (and, remember, all of them are) get stressed in any way. It's simply a matter of time before they've worked through his tail and he's tripping on his own intestine. Why that doesn't kill Omega Chicken outright is beyond me. But he will continue trying in vain to evade the rest of the chickens in the run for hours, tripping over his own guts as if his pants were at his ankles.”

Last Call:

The Rise and Fall of Prohibition

by. Daniel Okrent

The history of American prohibition, from start to finish.

“How did it happen? How did a freedom-loving people decide to give up a private right that had been freely exercised by millions upon millions since the first European colonists arrived in the New World? How did they condemn to extinction what was, at the very moment of its death, the fifth largest industry in the nation? How did they append to their most sacred document 112 words that knew only one precedent in American history? With that single previous exception, the original Constitution and its first seventeen amendments limited the activities of government, not of citizens. Now there were two exceptions: you couldn't own slaves, and you couldn't buy alcohol.”

Yeah, that's right, I started out with quote this time. And guess what? I'm going to end with one as well. In short: this book is so interesting that I think it needs two quotes. After finishing it I am slightly appalled that I never really learned anything about this time period in school. It's fascinating! There's booze and bootleggers, intrigue and argument. Not only that, but within that time period are many parallels to the political world of today. There were companies influencing politicians and the media through their money, while groups launched propaganda and disinformation campaigns against the things they didn't like. Sound familiar?

I realize I'm pumping this book, but I will warn you that it is a history book. If you don't like history books, you probably won't like this book either. I'd say in terms of entertaining history books this book is not as entertaining as a Sarah Vowell book, but much more entertaining than a textbook. Regardless of the entertainment the book provides, the Prohibition era was an intriguing period of history and has had profound effects on the country that no one pays attention to. In addition to profound effects, there are also plenty of fascinating little mundane facts as well. Did you know that Welch's Grape Juice used to be called Dr. Welch's Unfermented Wine!? DID YOU KNOW THAT?

“In 1920 could anyone have believed that the Eighteenth Amendment, ostensibly addressing the single subject of intoxicating beverages, would set off an avalanche of change in areas as diverse as international trade, speedboat design, tourism practices, soft-drink marketing, and the English language itself? Or that it would provoke the establishment of the first nationwide criminal syndicate, the idea of home dinner parties, the deep engagement of women in political issues other than suffrage, and the creation of Las Vegas? As interpreted by the Supreme Court and as understood by Congress, Prohibition would also lead indirectly to the eventual guarantee of the American woman's right to abortion and simultaneously dash that same woman's hope for an Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution.
Prohibition changed the way we live, and it fundamentally redefined the role of the federal government. How the hell did it happen?”

How We Decide

by. Jonah Lehrer

A look into how the brain makes decisions and what that means for you.

I don't really know how to describe this book. Because of this I'm going to link you to the place where I heard about this book: a Radiolab episode about Choice. Basically if you listen to this episode and find it really interesting then you will probably get a kick out of this book. (on a side note Radiolab is super great in general and you should check it out.)

“But the best decision makers don't despair. Instead, they become students of error, determined to learn what went wrong. They think about what they could have done differently so that the next time their neurons will know what to do. This is the most astonishing thing about the human brain: it can always improve itself. Tomorrow, we can make better decisions.”

5.*

Thud!

by. Terry Pratchett

Recent events have caused the the racial tension between the Trolls and Dwarves of Ankh-Morpork to skyrocket. A highly controversial dwarvish politician has been just killed and unless Commander Vimes and the rest of the city watch can get to the bottom of it war may break out in the city.

This is possibly my second favorite discworld book. The Vimes stories are always my favorites. Like any great Pratchett novel it is clever, funny, exciting, interesting, and poignant. Through a lens of fantasy Pratchett really lets us take a closer look at ourselves. At its heart Thud! is a story about a clash between races that points out that a happy ending isn't such an outlandish idea.

“"You may laugh, Nobby, but you've only got to look around," said Fred gloomily. "It's just gang fights now, but it's going to get worse, you mark my words. All this scrapping over something that happened thousands of years ago! I don't know why they don't get back to where they came from if they want to do that!"

"Most of 'em come from here now," observed Nobby.

Fred grunted his disdain for a mere fact of geography.

"War, Nobby. Huh! What is it good for?" he said.

"Dunno, Sarge. Freeing slaves, maybe?"

"Absol-well, okay."

"Defending yourself against a totalitarian aggressor?"

"All right, I'll grant you that, but—"

"Saving civilization from a horde of—"

"It doesn't do any good in the long run is what I'm saying, Nobby, if you'd listen for five seconds together," said Fred Colon sharply.

"Yeah, but in the long run, what does, Sarge?"”

A Thousand Days of Wonder:

A Scientist's Chronicle of His Daughter's Developing Mind

by. Charles Fernyhough

A scientist chronicles the developments of his daughter's mind for the first 1,000 days of her life.

How far back can you remember? If you're like most people you probably can't remember anything much further back than when you were 3 and that is precisely what makes this book so interesting. It investigates the ways in which young children perceive the world and how they're brains are in a state of constant flux. From newborns to 3 year olds and all those changes that happen in between. And more than that it's about a dad trying to understand his daughter during a time when she can't just tell him what's on her mind. Personally I am very intrigued by the concept of this book and if you are too than you might just enjoy it as much as I did. Did you know there is evidence that babies have synesthesia? A young baby might be hearing colors and seeing smells. If that wasn't enough, because of a difference in physiology, babies literally see the world in a different light than we do.

“When she does eventually open her eyes, she might want to close them again straightaway. Her optical equipment, like her cortical activity, is fundamentally different from mine. The lens of my adult eye has become yellowed with age, meaning that the short, or bluer, wavelengths are filtered out. Newborn lenses, in contrast, are crystal clear. Getting those eyes back, for us, would be like taking off sunglasses on a bright day.”

The Fall

by. Guillermo del Toro & Chuck Hogan

The second book of The Strain series. Things have gone from bad to worse for Ephraim Goodweather's motley crew as they continue to try and fight back. However, the vampiric infection continues to spread through the population and unless they can get their hands on an ancient book their chances for survival might just be 0.

If you'll remember the 2010 list you'll remember I've already talked about the first book in this series (it was number 54). I won't go into details as I don't want to ruin a sequel for anymore, but I will say that this book lived up to its predecessor. It's a horror story that's told in a fundamentally different fashion than most horror stories. It's about vampires, but none of the images that come to your mind when you think of vampires are applicable to these creatures. To quote the first book, "Think more along the lines of a man with a black cape. Fangs. Funny accent. Now take away the cape and fangs. The funny accent. Take away anything funny about it." This book definitely ups the ante from the first one and I can't wait for the next one to come out so I can find out what happens next.

“And now this thing, this plague, this awful...it's taken who she was and burned off all that was good in her. All that was right and true. All that was, as we understand it human. Your mom...she was beautiful, she was caring, she was...she was also crazy, in the way all devoted mothers are. But you were her great gift to the world. That's how she saw you. That's what you are still. That part of her lives on. But now—she is not herself anymore. She is not Kelly Goodweather, no Mom—and this is hard for both of us to accept. All that remains of what she was, as far as I can tell, is her bond with you. Because that bond is sacred, and it never dies. What we call love, in our sappy greeting-card way, is evidently something much deeper than we humans imagined. Her human love for you has...it seems to have shifted, has morphed, into this kind of want, this need. Where she is now, this bad place? She wants you there with her. It's not bad to her, or evil, or dangerous. She just wants you with her. And what you need to know is that this is all because your mother loved you so completely."

Zack nodded. He couldn't or wouldn't speak.

"Now, that said, we have to keep you safe from her. She looks different now, right? That's because she is different—fundamentally different—and it's not easy to face that. I can't make this right for you except to protect you from her. From what she has become. That's my new job now, as your parent, as your father. If you think of your mom, as she originally was, and what she would do to save you from any threat to your health, to your safety...well, you tell me. What would she do?"

"Zack nodded, answering immediately. "She would hide me."

"She would take you away. Remove you from the threat, get you to a safe place." Eph listened to what he was saying. "Just pick you up and...run. I'm right, aren't I?"

"You're right," said Zack.

"Okay, so—being the overprotective mom? That's my job now.”

Packing for Mars:

The Curious Science of Life in the Void

by. Mary Roach

A look into the science that goes into sustaining life in outer space.

I kind of feel that Mary Roach books are slightly tainted because none of them are as great as her first book Stiffs was. However, that doesn't mean they aren't still pretty darn good. Off the top of my head there are only 3 things I didn't like about this book.

1)She has a habit of putting an asterisk right in the middle of an interesting point, which forces you to break the flow of the book to read it. I'm not against asterisked asides. In fact because of Terry Pratchett I love them. However, he is a master at them and she most definitely is not.
2)Some parts are definitely more interesting than others, so you happily breeze through some parts with a smile on your face and trudge through others with a slight feeling of ennui .
3) At one point in the book she wrote this, "Astronaut Wakata Koichi (pronounced, perhaps aptly, co-itchy) wore the same J-Wear underpants for twenty-eight days without complaint." Koichi is NOT pronounced "co-itchy". It is pronounced co-e-chee. I cannot express in words how much this bothers me.

But enough with the bad onto the good. Mary Roach is amazingly good at thinking of subjects that most people don't think to even think about. That is this books great strength; it has an ability to fascinate you with an intriguing question and then proceeds to fascinate you further as it answers that question. For instance, how do you design a way to go to the bathroom in space? Think about what you do in the bathroom and then think about how much gravity plays an important part of that process. Now know that gravity plays an even bigger role than you just imagined it did. That is some crazy shit right there.

“Given the complexity of the chore, "escapees," as free-floating fecal material is known in astronautical circles, plagued the crews. Below is an excerpt from the Apollo 10 mission transcript, starring Mission Commander Thomas Stafford, Lunar Module Pilot Gene Cernan, and Command Module Pilot John Young, orbiting the moon 200,000-plus miles from the nearest bathroom.

CERNAN:...You know once you get out of lunar orbit, you can do a lot of things. You can power down...And what's happening is—

STAFFORD: Oh—who did it?

YOUNG: Who did what?

CERNAN: What?

STAFFORD: Who did it? [laughter]

CERNAN: Where did that come from?

STAFFORD: Give me a napkin quick. There's a turd floating through the air.

YOUNG: I didn't do it. It ain't one of mine.

CERNAN: I don't think it's one of mine.

STAFFORD: Mine was a little more sticky than that. Throw that away.

YOUNG: God almighty.

[And again eight minutes later, while discussing the timing of a waste-water dump.]

YOUNG: Did they say we could do it anytime?

CERNAN: They said on 135. They told us that—Here's another goddamn turd. What's the matter with you guys?
Here, give me a—

YOUNG/STAFFORD: [laughter]...

STAFFORD: It was just floating around?

CERNAN: Yes.
STAFFORD: [laughter] Mine was stickier than that.

YOUNG: Mine was too. It hit that bag—

CERNAN: [laughter] I don't know whose that is. I can neither claim it nor disclaim it. [laughter]

YOUNG: What the hell is going on here?”

The Help

by. Kathryn Stockett

The story of three women in 1960's Mississippi who try to change things by bringing to light the truth of what life is like for African American maids.

Writing a continuous story from three different perspectives strikes me as challenging. Yet Kathryn Stockett pulls it off so well I would swear she was taking dictation. This really was a great book. The characters are so full of life and personality it is hard to believe they are fictitious. If that wasn't enough the story is both fascinating and powerful. I mean imagine if your job was to raise children, to love them and care for them, all the while their parents thinking so little of you that they make you use a different bathroom because they don't want to catch any of your germs. In addition to that you are in charge of all the cleaning and the cooking. You make less than minimum wage, you can't talk back, you can't complain, and if you displease the family you work for they will claim you stole from them and take you to court. Or maybe they'll just fire you. Maybe they'll fire you, spread lies about you so no one will hire you, and then get their husband to fire your husband out of spite. Now imagine, on top of all that, those little children you cared for are growing up to see you and treat you the same way their parents do.

A great story brilliantly told. What else can I say? Go read it.

“I linger at the window. Outside, a fine rain has started to fall, misting the glassy cars and slicking the black pavement. I watch Lou Anne slip away in the parking lot, thinking, There is so much you don't know about a person. I wonder if I could've made her days a little bit easier, if I'd tried. If I'd treated her a little nicer. Wasn't that the point of the book? For women to realize, We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I'd thought.”

10.

The Upside of Irrationality:

The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home

by. Dan Ariely

I'm just going to come out and say that I didn't really like this book. That being said I wouldn't have finished it if I hadn't found it somewhat interesting and I probably would have liked it a lot more if I hadn't read How We Decide before I read this one. Here is a brief comparison of two. How We Decide: Reads like someone did a lot of research and interviews and wrote a book about the psychology of decision making. Uses exciting examples to illustrate his points and details fascinating experiments. Upside of Irrationality: reads like a college professor took his class lectures and bound them together. Uses examples from his own life to illustrate points from his own personal experiments. Occasionaly says random and extremely biased things, like this for example, "Like many political bodies, the United Nations is anemic and spineless."

Basically if you're interested in the psychology of decision making I would recommend you read How We Decide instead of this.

“I think we can summarize our wide range of irrational behaviors with two general lessons and one conclusion:

1. We have many irrational tendencies.

2. We are often unaware of how these irrationalities influence us, which means that we don't fully understand what drives our behavior.

Ergo, We—and by that I mean You, Me, Companies, and Policy Makers—need to doubt our intuitions. If we keep following our gut and common wisdom or doing what is easiest or most habitual just because "well, things have always been done that way," we will continue to make mistakes—resulting in a lot of time, effort, heartbreak, and money going down the same old (often wrong) rabbit holes. But if we learn to question ourselves and test our beliefs, we might actually discover when and how we are wrong and improve the ways we love, live, work, innovate, manage, and govern.”

Random Photographs

2011-03-03T23:31:00.008-06:00

As I'm sure you've noticed I haven't been very good about updating recently. I've kind of had to sideline some of my projects temporally so I can concentrate on other things. Namely finding another job and getting everything moved out and cleaned up at my old apartment. However, I feel bad about leaving you all in the lurch so here are some random photographs I've taken recently.

This is a cup of gummi bears after they were left submerged in sierra mist for a couple days. As you can see they get pretty bloated and gross. Also, a word of warning, they taste awful afterwards. Absolutely awful.

This is picture of the cupboard at my new apartment. One of these things is not like the others. Can you guess which one?

Here is another picture from my new apartment. These look like drawers, but they most definitely are not. Apparently I wasn't the only person who kept forgetting and then trying to open them because my roommate Sammi decide to put up this warning. However, unlike real hoez these drawers are not at all loose.

Card Zero

2011-01-29T04:45:00.007-06:00

I am nothing if not prepared (pause for laughter), so before starting to draw some postcards I decided to create a test card. That way I could be sure that: A) it gets to its destination, and B) it arrives in one piece. At first I was just going to scrawl the word "testing" all over it and then send it on its way. However, after doing that a couple times I decided to make it harder on myself by trying to actually make it look halfway interesting.

Anyways, it made it through the post office and safely to its destination. Well, technically that isn't exactly true; it had a little scratch and a little tear in it, but for the most part it arrived in good condition.

This means that I can now start working my way through this list. Actually I've already started, so we'll see how long it'll take me to get a batch of them sent out. Be warned that I'm currently employed, trying to study for the GRE, about to move, and somewhat lazy. However, I'll try to be as quick as I can.

For all you fashionably late people, I should mention that I'm still taking requests and will be doing so until I explicitly state otherwise. So if you still want a postcard, you can definitely still get one.

Anyways, sorry for the lackluster posting this month. To make it up to you here are some postcards I made as Christmas gifts for my aunt Rosemary.

These two were actually made on different card stock than the kind I'm using for the Extravaganza cards. You might remember it from that Charles Schulz card I made. You might also remember that I hate it and it ruins everything. Luckily my aunt has helped me find an alternative and thus it is because of her that your cards will look much nicer. She has my most sincere thanks for all her help with this project.

Postal Extravaganza 2011

2011-01-14T18:18:00.008-06:00

It's that time of year again. Time for another Extravaganza of Postal Proportions!

In case you don't remember, in 2009 I decided to combat the stagnation of Facebook friendships by offering to send them all a hand written letter. 34 of them, representing 4 different countries and 13 different states, responded and thus 34 people got some sweet, sweet letters. Each with a personalized envelope no less. (The last batch and links to all the rest can be seen here).

This time I'm switching things up a bit. Instead of letters I'm going with postcards and instead of limiting myself to Facebook I'm opening up the offer to anyone.

Here's how it'll work, if you would like to get a hand drawn postcard from me then all you have to do is follow these easy steps:

1) Send me an email (excusethequality at gmail) telling me you want one. Make sure to include your name and address/PO Box/whatever, because otherwise I won't know where to send it. If you happen to have a request for your postcard's drawing then you can feel free to include that as well. Otherwise I'll just draw whatever I happen to feel would be suitable.

2) There is no step two.

And that's it! Just think of the jealously you'll inspire in your household. The sweet, sweet, jealousy.

Keep in mind I'll be making a different postcard for every recipient...and I'm pretty lazy, so don't be surprised if you have to wait awhile for yours to arrive. I'll be doing them in the order people request them and thus first come, first served. So join in the fun!

State of the Blog Address

2011-01-03T02:40:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year to you, dear reader. In case you don't know me, my name is Jesse. I write/draw/make all the stuff round these parts. Being a reader of this blog automatically makes you one of my favorite people. Way to be awesome.

Anyways, another year has come and gone on this simple blog. At the beginning of 2010 I had a goal to make 100 posts that year. Clearly I was way off. However, since that year was pretty awful and since the posting has been improving in quality, I'm going to chalk it up as win regardless. Actually some of my favorite stuff yet was done that year. We had the conclusion of the Postal Extravaganza envelopes, the Holiday Haiku trilogy, The Breadfruit, Throawae, and a bunch of other stuff I quite enjoyed.

In other news, Excuse the Quality now has a Facebook page. If you're on Facebook it provides a convenient way to get updated on new posts and other news. For instance, if you were a fan of the Facebook page you would have known there was a Facebook page for it way back in November 2010! If you're not on Facebook then I guess you'll just have to stick with the old fashioned way and just check in every once in awhile. If you have another way you'd like to be informed about updates I'm certainly open to ideas.

But what can you expect for 2011?

A new header for the site (that's my current project actually).

Another Postal Extravaganza (coming soon!).

I plan to reread all the Harry Potter books so expect some posts regarding that undertaking.

I'm going to try to update the Yakko's World song so it is up to date with the world's current lineup of countries.

A new batch of Holiday Haikus. (did anyone notice that the titles of the last batch create their own haiku? Because they do.)

A book list for 2011. One that will actually encompass the entire year this time. Maybe one that's simpler and doesn't take forever to do. Unless you liked its massiveness, in which case I'll just bite the bullet on that one.

The usual smatterings of other “creative miscellany”. (I totally just stole that phrase from my cousin. Unlike me she gets paid for her assorted creative endeavors and is therefore...a Professional)

Well, that just about covers everything. I think I'll end this post with another edition of:

“Excuse the Quality”'s

Question Corner

(no one ever asks me questions so I'll once again supply my own)

1. I really like the comics. Why aren't there more of them?

I'm glad you like the comics. I like them as well. However, comics are something I do when I'm happy. 2010 wasn't a very happy year and thus there were not many comics made in it.

2. Are you going to draw more comics?

Yes. Probably. I'll try okay? That's the biggest promise I'm willing to make. I will try to draw more comics, because I loves you gals/guys.

3. If, in the future, you were to be arrested, what would the charge most likely be?

Public urination.

4. How many readers do you have?

More than enough to cause a disturbance, but not quite enough to stage a riot.

5. How are you doing today?

I'm cruising the middle grounds of emotion today. I would certainly be doing better if I didn't have a hankering for some Schweppes' Raspberry Ginger Ale. I am beginning to doubt they even sell it anymore because I can't find it anywhere. If I ever do find some more I'm buying a shit ton of it because it is freaking delicious.

6. Do you know the whereabouts of Ms. Victoria Penot?

Umm...I think that's enough with the questions for today.

7. Where were you last night between the hours of 11:00pm-3:00am?

I said No more questions!

Haikus: Ends, Starts, and Countdowns

2010-12-31T20:48:00.004-06:00

Think about the Earth.
It just went around the Sun.
That's pretty awesome.

It's almost midnight.
I hope someone will kiss me.
Huh? What tradition?

Wouldn't it be great
If somebody dropped the ball
by not dropping it?

That Auld Lang Syne song
Is not a proper excuse
For ignoring calls.

Champagne? Why bother?
Just carbonate some vodka.
Now that's a real drink!

Resolution time...
Maybe I'll start working out?
Hahaha...yeah right.

Before kissing her
Remember just one li'l thing
Girls have cooties, dude!

Year end partying
Also means starting the year
A hungover mess.

It's a brand new year.
Try not to mess it all up
Like you did last time.

Hey guys, don't forget
To set all your calendars
Forward by one year.

Ten...Nine...Eight...Seven...
Six...Five...Four...Three...Two...One...*POW*
HAPPY NEW YEAR! *Smoooch!*

Book List 2010: 3/3

2010-12-31T18:40:00.003-06:00

*reread

51.

Half Empty
by. David Rakoff

A collection of essays regarding pessimism.

Not only was this, in my opinion, leagues better than David Rakoff's other books, it was also just a great book in general. Being somewhat of a pessimist myself, it is comforting to hear stories regarding why it isn't such a bad thing to be a pessimist, especially when the stories are hilarious.

“For now, how beautiful the world seems, how lovely the friends who deliver a potted amaryllis to my house. It blooms into a three-flowered stalk, its pink-and-white striped petals like a child's drawing of an ideal flower, if children could actually draw.”

52.
The Shadow of the Wind
by. Carlos Ruiz Zafon

A boy comes across a rare book; rare because someone is out there burning every copy they can get their hands on. As he tries to keep the book safe, he slowly uncovers the mystery behind the author, the books, and the burner.

I really enjoyed this book, but for none of the reasons I first started liking it for. In the first parts of the book I really loved the fantastical nature of the story and the loving way it talks about books. However, it turns out the book isn't really a fantasy at all. The mystery and the characters are what the story really has to offer. It also turns out that the identity of the book burner isn't the biggest mystery (which is good because I guessed it right away). The mystery you find yourself wanting to know is what on Earth could have happened to all these people for things to turn out as they have.

“A secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.”

53.
Sisters Red
by. Jackson Pearce

When they were young, two sisters, Scarlett and Rosie, were attacked by a werewolf. It killed their grandmother and disfigured Scarlett, before it could be stopped. Now the sisters have devoted their lives to killing these monsters. Or have they? When Rosie finds herself falling in love, she has to figure out if the hunt is really as important to her as it is to her sister.

As you may have guessed, this is a reimagining of Little Red Riding Hood. It is also what Twilight fans should have read instead. It is by no means perfect, but it is only Jackson Pearce's second book, so I'm willing to give her some leeway. Despite her novice status, she is still leagues beyond Stephenie Meyer. Here are some reasons why: she actually edited and proof read her book, the female characters are strong and capable of taking care of themselves, and the romance isn't at all akin to an abusive relationship. It's a simple book (I guessed the ending right at the starting gate), but it's quirky and memorable and fun.

“They’re adorned in glittery green rhinestones, shimmery turquoise and aquamarine powders streaked across their eyelids. Dragonfly girls. Their hair is all the same, long and streaked, spiraling down their backs to where the tiny strings holding their tops on are knotted tightly. Their skin glows under the neon lights-amber, ebony, cream-like shined metal, flawless and smooth.”

54.
The Strain
by. Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan

A plane arrives in New York City and everyone aboard it is dead. CDC Epidemiologist, Dr. Ephraim Goodweather, is part of the team called in to investigate, but he quickly learns that this wasn't a normal biological attack. Especially when the people on the plane start coming back to life.

This is a story about vampires, but told in the epidemic style usually reserved for zombies. If you've seen Blade II then you'll now that Guillermo del Toro is good, not only at working with vampires, but also with perverting vampires into creatures so much scarier than you've ever imagined them. I won't even go into specifics, but basically these vampires are all kinds of freaky. If that wasn't enough, the story is also presented through very unique lenses. The main characters all present very interesting and sometimes quite unique ways of looking at the story. My favorite three were the epidemiologist (who knows how to deal with disease, infections, and epidemics), the exterminator (who knows how to trap and kill vermin), and the holocaust survivor/vampire specialist (who knows all about horror as well as about these creatures).

“‘What you fought was a dead man, possessed by a disease.’
‘What--like a pinche zombie?’
‘Think more along the lines of a man with a black cape. Fangs. Funny accent. Now take away the cape and fangs. The funny accent. Take away anything funny about it.’”

55.
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest
by. Stieg Larsson

Lisbeth Salander is going to be put on trial for a laundry list of crimes including multiple accounts of murder. Meanwhile, Mikael Blomkvist continues to unearth the scandal that has been plaguing Lisbeth since she was born. Together they are trying not only to win Lisbeth's freedom, but also to put an end to a string of corruption that has infiltrated the government itself.

If you liked the first one, you'll like the second one. If you liked those two, then you're probably going to like this one as well. Mystery, excitement, the whole lot. So instead of saying anything further I'm going to take this space to rant about something in this book that annoyed the shit out of me: the B names. There are 14 characters in this book with last names beginning with the letter B. That is ridiculous. If that wasn't enough, the author usually refers to characters by their last names. So Blomvist will be talking to Berger and Beckman about what to do about Bjurman and Bublanski. It's like some kind of horrible joke. So here you are, all the B names in the book: Blomkvist, Berger, Beckman, Bublanski, Bjurman, Bjorck, Bodin, Baksi, Bohman, Berglund, Billinger, Borgsjo, Bladh, and Branden.

“Friendship is probably the most common form of love.”

56.
Harriet the Spy
by. Louise Fitzhugh

A young girl dreams of being a spy. She keeps a notebook of all her observations about everyone she sees, even her friends. But what happens when her friends find out what she really thinks about them?

Things I loved about this book: the way it was able to capture the thoughts and feelings of being a child. Things I didn't like: Harriet and Harriet's nanny. Harriet is kind of an awful little kid. She looks for the worst in everyone and then frolics in her feeling of superiority. Her nanny was awful because she encourages Harriet to do it! Then when everyone finds out, she just tells Harriet to lie and pretend she's sorry and then keep writing in her journal anyway. What the hell!? Worst. Morals. Ever.

“[Harriet] hated math. She hated math with every bone in her body. She spent so much time hating it that she never had time to do it.”

57.
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
by. Lewis Carroll
illustrated by. Alison Jay

A young girl tumbles down a rabbit hole and into a fantastical world where nothing is as it seems.

I've never made it through this book before. I usually just get bored and quit. It really is an interesting and memorable story, but as a narrative it is horrible. It is just a bunch of random scenes thrown together. How exactly does Alice wind up in Wonderland? A random hole. How will she get back? Doesn't matter. Ending: It was all a dream. You've got to be joking me.

That being said please don't take my rant to mean that I hated the book. As a continuous narrative it is complete junk, but taken as separate pieces it is wonderfully clever, witty, and fantastical. I would especially recommend this particular version because the illustrations made the whole thing a hundred times better.

“All in the golden afternoon
Full leisurely we glide;
For both our oars, with little skill,
By little arms are plied,
While little hands make vain pretense
Our wanderings to guide.”

58.
Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There
by. Lewis Carroll
illustrated by. Mervyn Peake

A young girl steps through a mirror and into the bizarre world on the other side.

All my comments about the previous book work for this one as well. Except that as a narrative it is slightly more complete while its scenes are slightly less fun.

“‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’
‘The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.’
‘The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master— that's all.’”

59.
The Gruesome Guide to World Monsters
by. Judy Sierra
illustrated by. Henrik Drescher

A handy guide to some of the monsters you might encounter in your journeys around the world.

I love books about different kinds of monsters. The only thing I like more than books about monsters is illustrated books about monsters. I hope to one day add this one to my collection of them because it was awesome.

“SURVIVAL TIP: Water babies will never harm children who throw their baby teeth into a lake or a river.”

60.
The Wild Iris
by. Louise Gluck

A collection of poems regarding nature.

It was pretty good. I'm not a big fan of straight up poetry collections though. They are just a little too much for me. But there are certainly some gems in the collection. I'm especially fond of the quote I'm going to use.

“What are you saying? That you want
eternal life? Are your thoughts really
as compelling as all that?”

61.
At Home:
A Short History of Private Life
by. Bill Bryson

Using the rooms of his house for inspiration, Bill Bryson takes a look at the history of private life.

I almost loved this book unequivocally. I mean, it's Bill Bryson; how could I not? However, I have some issues with it. The biggest one is that I wanted less history in general and more specific history regarding how different rooms came into existence and evolved. The book jacket claimed that he'd be using the rooms of the house as a lens for looking at the history surrounding it and yet the book is mostly just a straight up history of private life that uses the rooms for inspiration. For example in his chapter on the Cellar he briefly mentions that cellars were often used to house coal and then launches into a history of coal use and energy usage in general. Now don't get me wrong, it is a fascinating, fun, and informative chapter. BUT, I really learned nothing about cellars and frankly I was looking forward to learning about cellars.

Besides the slight miscommunication about the style of the book, it is so many kinds of amazing. Except for the first two chapters which were completely random and thus confusing. Although I get the feeling that maybe I was just too stupid to connect the dots. Who knows. Go read it and afterward help me understand what the point of those chapters was. Now that I know what to expect, when I inevitably read it again I'll probably enjoy it even more.

“Houses aren’t refuges from history. They are where history ends up.”

62.
The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2010
edited by. Dave Eggers

A collection of literary gems from 2010. Including short stories, magazine headlines, band names, etc.

Like any collection I have mixed feelings about this one. The first section, where all the really wonderful bizarre stuff is held (the “Best American Sentences on Page 50” for instance), is pure genius. The second section, where the short stories are held, is hit or miss, but the majority of them are hits. Sherman Alexis' “War Dances” and Tamas Dobozy's “The Encirclement” were probably my favorites.

Samples from the “Best American Gun Magazine Headlines”: “My Wife's Guns: I Thought Some Were Mine, but I Was Wrong,” “Kids and Guns: A Great Combination”

63.
The Day I Swapped my Dad for Two Goldfish
by. Neil Gaiman illustrated by. Dave McKean

A boy trades his father for two goldfish. When his mom finds out she insists that he go and get his dad back, however, it turns out that might be a lot harder than he expected.

As those of you who know me might recall, I am not a fan of Neil Gaiman. However, I could not help myself from reading a book about swapping a dad for goldfish. I'm not really sure if this book works as a little kids book. It kind of reads like a story being made up on the spot. It does have numerous parts that are quite delightful, so I have to give it that. The illustration style is really unique and fun to look, but it is possibly a little too eclectic for a small child to appreciate.

“My little sister and I played in the garden. My sister played with her barbie dolls and I played at putting mud down my sister's neck.”

64.
As I Lay Dying
by. William Faulkner

A family has to deal with the loss of its mother as they try to return to her hometown to bury her.

My biggest problem with this book is that the writing style is entirely too convoluted at certain parts. There were a number of times where I was reading it and not comprehending a single thing that was going on. That being said, when I could understand what was going on I thought it was great. I would describe it as a literary treat that becomes a little too literary at times. I should also mention that the character of Anse Bundren is the most despicable literary character of all time. I'd have to ruin the story to explain why, but, fictional or not, he is a truly horrible human being.

“Sometimes I aint so sho who's got ere a right to say when a man is crazy and when he aint. Sometimes I think it aint none of us pure crazy and aint none of us pure sane until the balance of us talks him that-a-way. It's like it aint so much what a fellow does, but it's the way the majority of folks is looking at him when he does it.”

65.
The Graveyard Book
by. Neil Gaiman

A little baby is the sole survivor when his family is murdered. He wanders into a graveyard where the ghosts residing there take him in and raise him as their own.

I was watching an interview with Neil Gaiman about the The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldish, but it turned out to actually be an interview about The Graveyard Book. As I said before, I am not a big Neil Gaiman fan. Every time someone exulted some book of his I would check it out and be horribly disappointed. Case in point: Sandman. After awhile I just decided to stop checking them out. Despite that history, the second I heard him describe the book as The Jungle Book, but with a graveyard instead of a jungle, I was all over it. And it was wonderful. You should read it. You should read it to some kids as well. I will own it one day and try to foist it onto small children.

“Truly, life is wasted on the living, Nobody Owens. For one of us is too foolish to live, and it is not I.”

66.
Earth (the book):
A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race
by. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

A compendium on the human race for any aliens that might come visiting while we're away...or dead.

While the book is written as a compendium of the human race for aliens, I was expecting a textbook, like America (the book) was. Obviously it wasn't. But it was great anyway. Jon Stewart and all the people at The Daily Show are just so clever and funny. If you enjoy the sense of humor of their show then you'll get a kick out of the book.

“Due to scientific limitations and more than a touch of narcissism, we believed everything in the universe literally revolved around us. It was a theory called geocentrism, which was originally egocentrism, but they spelled it wrong.”

67.
Machine of Death
edited by. Ryan North, Matthew Bennardo, and David Malki !

What if there was a machine that could tell you how you were going to die? Not when, but how, and it is never wrong. Would you want to know? This collection of stories seeks to answer all these questions and more.

This is a book that sprang to life from a comic strip. From humble beginnings three prominent figures in webcomics got together to seek submissions for such a book. It is a collection that is not only thought provoking, but also just fun to read. It really takes a look at just how such a machine would change, not only people, but also the world in general. The guys behind it are pretty brilliant. Case in point: when it came out they asked for all their fans to go to amazon and buy it on one particular day. That way it would rocket to the top of the charts. And it did! It beat out a new Grisham, it beat out Keith Richards' biography, it even beat out Glenn Beck! It is also the only book I read this year that you can read for free.

They are offering a free PDF of the book. Although, I would ask that if you like it, please buy a copy. The writers and illustrators aren't rich and famous. They even had to self publish it to get it made at all. So if you try it and you like it, throw them a bone.

“Missus Murphy, I will have you know that I am to be torn apart and devoured by lions.”

68.
My Antonia
by. Willa Cather

The story of immigrant farmers, but mostly the story of a boy growing up in the late 1800s and his experiences with the girl next door.

For a book written in 1918 it is extremely accessible. If I hadn't looked at the publication date I would have sworn it was written recently. It is a pretty good book. It does a great job depicting life at the time. My only problem was that Antonia is supposed to be some amazing figure and yet I couldn't help but feel she wasn't all that special. In fact, I didn't really like her that much. I liked her in the beginning and I liked her at the end, but I don't like her the rest of the time. However, the main boy is okay and the story is more about him anyway.

“As I went back alone over that familiar road, I could almost believe that a boy and girl ran along beside me, as our shadows used to do, laughing and whispering to each other in the grass.”

69.
Rats:
Observations on the History & Habitat of the City's Most Unwanted Inhabitants
by. Robert Sullivan

A look into the world of rats.

I would describe Robert Sullivan's writing style as being like an unrefined Bill Bryson. They both combine observations/experiences with history and they both have penchants for indulging in historical tangents. Like Parasite Rex this book shines a loving light on a creature that dwells in the gutters of our thoughts. He brings up the interesting point that rats aren't really considered wildlife anymore. You probably won't find them in a guide to European Mammals or what not. And why would you? They don't live in the wild; they live with us. Just like the peace that comes with coming to terms with humanity's similarities to parasites, there is a peace in coming to terms with likeness to rats.

“Rats live in man's parallel universe, surviving on the effluvia of human society; they eat our garbage. I think of rats as our mirror species, reversed but similar, thriving or suffering in the very cities where we do the same. If the presence of a grizzly bear is the indicator of the wildness of an area, the range of unsettled habitat, then the rat is an indicator of the presence of man. And yet, despite their situation, rats are ignored or destroyed but rarely studied, disparaged but never described.”

70.
Zen Shorts
by. Jon J. Muth

A group of children befriend a panda who uses zen stories to help them with their problems.

First of all the illustrations in this book are amazing. You want to just rip them out and hang them all over your wall. As someone who majored in East Asian Studies and an art lover, it seems like this book was written just for me. It is just the cutest thing ever. Not only is it great to look at, but it is written in a simple yet charming style that is perfect for a little kids' book. Plus what other children's book subtly teaches kids about Zen?

“‘I'm sorry for coming unannounced,’said the bear. ‘The wind carried my umbrella all the way from my backyard to your backyard. I thought I would receive it before it became a nuisance.’ He spoke with a slight Panda accent.”

71.*
The Giver
by. Lois Lowry

In a community where there is no pain, where everything is regulated, and where everyone has a role, a young boy is chosen for a unique position. He must become the one to hold all the memories the town has forgotten. But when he learns of a world of colors and family and love and even pain, will he be able to continue living as he did before?

The Giver is a book everyone should read. It is often required reading in school so that's good. It is a beautiful and powerful story. Like any good science fiction story it really makes you think about the world. Who wouldn't want a world where there was no war, no starvation, and no pain? Yet in order to rid yourself of all the bad things in the world, would you be prepared to give up all the good things as well? Or maybe through sharing memories and experiences we can have the best of both worlds.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.”

Book List 2010: 2/3

2010-12-18T16:18:00.003-06:00

* = reread

26.

Divine Misfortune

by. A. Lee Martinez

In a world where picking a god is a lot like picking an insurance carrier, a couple decides to try out a raccoon god of luck. Unfortunately now he wants to crash on their couch. Oh, and did he mention he's made enemies with the meanest God in town?

Despite the fact that I ragged on the guy in the last list, you'll notice that I keep reading his books, so it's a friendly sort of ragging. This one was a middle ground for him: it wasn't as amazing as his best, but definitely better than the other ones I read this year. He writes great potato chip books. They may not always have too much substance, but they're quick reads and they're just fun. Some delightful imagery: a god in the market of revenge on ex-boyfriends, a squirrel being forced to carry beers, and a house party held by Gods.

“Hello. My name is Anubis. I Like long walks on the beach, carrying departed souls into the underworld, and the cinema of Mr. Woody Allen.”

27.

Prodigal Summer
by. Barbara Kingslover

3 interconnecting stories about nature, love, and the connection between the two.

This really is a beautiful book. I'm not even sure what else to say. If you're into nature and/or romance you'll like it.

“This is how moths speak to each other. They tell their love across the fields by scent. There is no mouth, the wrong words are impossible, either a mate is there or he is not, and if so the pair will find each other in the dark.”

28.*
His Majesty's Dragon
by. Naomi Novik

It's the early 19th century and dragons make up nations' aerial forces. Through a twist of fate, a Captain in the Royal Navy, William Laurence, winds up the handler of a newly hatched dragon and is forced to join Britain's air force to do what he can to repel Napoleon's forces.

It's the Napoleonic Wars...but with Dragons! If I really need to say anything else then maybe this book isn't for you.

“I am beginning to feel the need of a glass of wine to fortify myself against this conversation.”

29.
Bringing Down the House:
The Inside Story of Six MIT Students Who Took Vegas For Millions
by. Ben Mezrich

The true story of the brilliant MIT students who figure out a system to beat the odds at blackjack. They make a whole lot of money, and a whole lot of enemies.

Damn, Vegas is a pretty crazy place. Also some people are ridiculously smart. I read this because Prince Gomolvilas touted it as the greatest piece of Asian American literature of all time. Maybe it is. While perhaps it isn't the greatest book in a literary sense, certainly no one can say that a young Asian American would not feel at least a little bit of pride upon reading the story of a group of Asian Americans, who through their intellect, skill, and charm, took Vegas for millions of dollars.

“...Kevin watched the flickering lights and wondered if life could possibly get any better. He had seventy thousand dollars in a money belt around his waist and another quarter million back in his room. Card counting was the key that had unlocked the casino's coffers, and there was no reason to think the party ever had to end.”

30.
Parasite Rex:
Inside the Bizarre World of Nature's Most Dangerous Creatures
by. Carl Zimmer

A look into the world of parasites.

I already reviewed this book...so go read that. In case you don't want to bother, I will sum it up: Parasites are so much more fascinating than you ever thought possible and book is pretty great.

“There's no shame in being a parasite.”

31.
The Cardturner
by. Louis Sachar

A young boy learns how to play bridge from his blind grandfather, but when his grandfather dies he must learn to play the game for himself.

Another book that really wasn't aiming at me, which makes my opinion on it kind of void. I will say, however, that Louis Sachar is a great writer. Even when writing a simple story like this one the story flows so smoothly that you hardly notice just how smooth it is. Apparently he just wanted to write a book about Bridge and didn't care what anyone else said. If nothing else, that passion makes it interesting. It's a rather laid back narrative about bridge and a kid finding something he's passionate about.

"I hope I remember everything," said Toni.

“You won't," said Trapp. "That's how you learn. But after you make the same mistake one, or two, or five times, you'll eventually get it. And then you'll make new mistakes.”

32.
The Male Brain
by. Louann Brizendine

A book about the physiology of the male brain.

I found Brizendine's earlier book, The Female Brain, to be really fascinating and eye opening. This one, however, lacked the vigor and excitement she brought to the first one. It seemed like she wrote it for the paycheck. Maybe I should be judging it on its own and not comparing the two, but since it is basically a sequel, I think I'm allowed. Then again, I'm a male so there is a decent chance that I just took the information in this book for granted and thus it wasn't as eye opening an experience as the previous one. It's an easy read and you'll learn about the male brain, so there you go.

“If testosterone were beer, a nine-year old boy would get the equivalent of about one cup a day. But by age fifteen, it would be equal to two gallons a day.”

33.
Willful Creatures
by. Aimee Bender
A collection of fantastical short stories.

I'm a sucker for memorable and interesting short stories and these were some truly interesting and memorable short stories. I read this thing months ago and, unlike many of the books I've read this year, I can still recount to you pretty much the entire book. Definitely one of my favorite things I read this year.

“My genes, my love, are rubber bands and rope; make yourself a structure you can live inside.

Amen.”

34.
Crocodile on the Sandbank
by. Elizabeth Peters

A forward woman and her traveling companion go on an Egyptian adventure only to find themselves in danger, in love, and in the way of a murderous mummy.

Think Pride and Prejudice, but taken up a notch, put into Egypt, and occasionally dealing with mummies. Right off the bat I'm going to say this book didn't have nearly as much mummy action as I was led to believe there'd be. On another note, while Elizabeth Bennent was right to be so bold, the main character in this one is just pompous at times. I mean, who complains that an archeologist's lab is dirty? Dirty things are kind of their trade. And they aren't telling you not to touch anything because you're a woman, they're telling you not to touch anything because it's all freaking fragile and you're an idiot. She eventually tones it down and you start to like her, but damn if you don't want find yourself wishing someone would smack her a little bit in the beginning.

“Peculiar or not, it is my idea of pleasure. Why, why else do you lead this life if you don't enjoy it? Don't talk of duty to me; you men always have some high-sounding excuse for indulging yourselves. You go gallivanting over the earth, climbing mountains, looking for the sources of the Nile; and expect women to sit dully at home embroidering. I embroider very badly. I think I would excavate rather well.”

35.
Dear Mister Rogers, does it ever rain in your neighborhood?:
Letters to Mr. Rogers
by. Fred Rogers

A collection of children's letters to Mr. Rogers and his responses.

Mr. Rogers is pretty much the nicest guy in the world. I grew up watching him and I love him to death. What would you say if a little kid was a fan of yours and wrote you a letter pridefully telling you that they just learned how to use the potty? I didn't think it was possible, but it turns out there is a way to handle that with poise. The man is amazing and the book is darling.

“Dear Mr. Rogers,

How did you get your face on all our pennies?
Your face is on the front and your Trolley's on the back...

Penn, age 4”

36.
The Girl Who Played With Fire
by. Stieg Larsson

An antisocial computer hacker and a headstrong journalist work to get to the bottom of a secret ring of prostitution and human trafficking.

I'm just noticing that I apparently went from reading a book by mister rogers to reading a gritty crime story. There's probably something seriously wrong with that. Anyways I saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie and decided I wanted to read the books. Turns out a lot of other people had that same idea because the queue at the library was enormous. Therefore I decided to put my name on the lists for all 3 books and save myself some trouble. I ended up getting this one first, but since I had seen the movie I figured I wouldn't be that lost so I rolled with it. It's very good. Personally I think the series deserves all the hype its been getting.

“But she wished she had had the guts to go up to him and say hello. Or possibly break his legs, she wasn't sure which.”

37.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
by. Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith

The book that answers that age old question of what if Pride & Prejudice had zombies in it?

The name pretty much says it all doesn't it? It is everything you would expect. I especially enjoyed what happens to Wickham in this version. Also the discussion questions at the end are hilarious. While any zombie fan might enjoy this book, I'll just say that to really appreciate this book you need to be a Pride&Prejudice fan, because the subversion of the original text is really the best part about it.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

38.
WAR
by. Sebastian Junger

A reporter lives with one of the most dangerous units in Afghanistan to learn what war is like for soldiers.

So often books will focus on a war but not on the people fighting it. This book does a great job giving you a look into the mind and experiences of the people on the front lines. From all the good to all the bad. It also dares to say things that many would maybe try to gloss over. For instance, the fact that soldiers often enjoy what they do. It's easy to think of a soldier in terms of a draftee in Vietnam, but soldiers who choose that life are different. They like getting to use big guns and they like taking down bad guys. Some probably even love the smell of napalm in the morning. To do what they do and not go crazy they have to. Being able to see war from the point of view of a soldier really makes you appreciate what it is they do, but it also makes you appreciate why the Government and military big wigs need to be careful about what they tell them to do.

“Society can give its young men almost any job and they'll figure how to do it. They'll suffer for it and die for it and watch their friends die for it, but in the end, it will get done. That only means that society should be careful about what it asks for. ... Soldiers themselves are reluctant to evaluate the costs of war, but someone must. That evaluation, ongoing and unadulterated by politics, may be the one thing a country absolutely owes the soldiers who defend its borders.”

39.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
by. Stieg Larsson

A defamed journalist is hired to get to the bottom of a family's loathsome past and finds help in an unexpected source: a fearsome and intelligent computer hacker.

First off, as I said before, I saw the movie first. Second off, I loved the movie. Thirdly, the book is even better than the movie. Although I should mention that it does contain some very brutal scenes. In fact, I've seen many reviews that say this series is nothing but exploitation. Personally, I didn't see it that way. For one, I don't believe the author is showing that violence for cheap thrills, but is showing it in order to portray just how horrific those acts are, to show the lasting scars from the point of view of the victim. The original Swedish title for the book was Men Who Hate Women, which I think is rather telling. For two, in Lisbeth Salander, Larsson has crafted a character uniquely suited to bear the weight of these acts; to be victimized, but to never be a victim.

All the shock value aside, the narrative structure of the book is pretty intriguing. While journalist Kiel Blomkvist is the force the propels the story forward, these books are really all about Lisbeth Salander. So in a sense the main character is a supporting character. Even if the book wasn't interesting and exciting she would make it worth checking out. She's smart, she's tough, she's self-reliant, she's flawed, and she's fascinating. How often do you find a character so interesting that they've single-handedly made a series a bestselling franchise?

“I've had many enemies over the years. If there is one thing I've learned, it's never engage in a fight you're sure to lose. On the other hand, never let anyone who has insulted you get away with it. Bide you're time and strike back when you're in a position of strength - even if you no longer need to strike back.”

40.
Adventures Among Ants:
a global safari with a cast of trillions
by. Mark W. Moffett

It's a science book about ants.

If you read one book about ants this year, make it this one...what do you want? Nonfiction books are hard to write opinions for. Moffett is the kind of guy who will spend days staring at ants and actually love doing it and his passion is infectious. If you aren't interested in ants enough to want to read a big ol' book about them, I'd still suggest finding it to just look at the amazing pictures (some examples of his work). Ants are a lot more interesting than I originally gave them credit for. Although the parts where Moffett is talking about his time in the field are still my favorites. Especially the part where he tries to impress a couple ladies by telling them he's an entomologist (sexy right?). The book is quite in-depth and long which makes it a little tedious to just read straight through (unless you're really into ants of course), but as long as you read it bit by bit it remains fascinating.

“...Any ant recognized as an ant is female; males do exist, but they are socially useless...”

41.
Physics of the Impossible:
A Scientific Exploration into the World of Phasers, Force Fields, Teleportation, and Time Travel
by. Michio Kaku

A look into the plausibility of science fiction.

Physicist Michio Kaku is amazing. While he does write in a very accessible manner, I quickly realized that this man was so far beyond me intellectually that I am a idiot child in comparison. He co-founded the string field theory for God's sake! However, he is still no Neil deGrasse Tyson and thus he gets pretty heavy on the science at times and if you aren't very science literate you'll probably have some trouble following along. I consider myself to be at least a little science literate and I certainly felt a little lost a couple of times. With that being said, this book is awesome. You have to be at least a little bit nerdy to think so though. He does a great job at not just saying what is and is not possible, but also the whys. If something isn't quite possible as depicted in science fiction movies, he'll go into how maybe something similar could be. If you're a big nerd you should definitely go read this book.

“Already one “impossible” technology is now proving to be possible: the notion of teleportation (at least at the level of atoms). Even a few years ago physicists would have said that sending or beaming an object from one point to another violated the laws of quantum physics. The writers of the original Star Trek television series, in fact, were so stung by the criticism from physicists that they added “Heisenberg compensators” to explain their teleporters in order to address this flaw. Today, because of a recent breakthrough, physicists can teleport atoms across a room or photons under the Danube River.”

42.
Kraken
by. China Miéville

A museum curator is thrust into the world of the preternatural when his museum's giant squid specimen goes missing and sinister forces start looking in his direction for answers.

I love China Miéville. He is definitely one of my favorite authors. He creates these worlds that are so imaginative while being, in a way, so realistic. This one was a slight departure for him. It was much more similar to his young adult's book Un Lun Dun than to his famous Perdido Street Station. That's because like Un Lun Dun, Miéville is having fun with this one. It's a combination of dark urban fantasy and a light hearted fairy tale. The trick to loving it is to realize that it is not some straight-laced story, but a playground of ideas where the laces are flying free. A lot of his other books are serious, but this one is just geeky and fun. The biggest thing I can say against it is that the characters aren't anything special. Then again I don't really care. They aren't the point. The world is the point. You've got a world filled with talking tattoos, paranormal Star Trek fans, human oragami, animal mediums on strike, and even squid cults. It is an absolute blast to read.

“The krakens’ lack of desire for recompense was part of what, their faithful said, distinguished them from the avaricious Abrahamic triad and their quids pro quo, I’ll take you to heaven if you worship me. But even the kraken would give them this transmutation, this squid pro quo, by the contingencies of worship, toxin and faith. ”

43.
Feed
by. Mira Grant

In a post apocalyptic zombie world, a group of bloggers follow a presidential candidate on his campaign trail. But what's more dangerous: zombies or politicians?

Two different books with the same name in the same year. What are the odds? I picked this one up on a whim thinking it would good for a laugh, but it took me completely by surprise. It is actually one of the best things I read this year. It is part political/journalistic thriller, part comedy, and part horror movie. If there was ever a movie version it's be done by Joss Whedon. So many zombie stories focus on the outbreak, but this one goes at it in a completely different direction. It shows a post outbreak world in vibrant detail. You see exactly how the outbreak changed things. One of the great things about it is that it is tackling a silly subject seriously, but never forgets that the subject is, at its heart, silly. For instance, the main characters are named Georgia (after George Romero), Shaun (after Shaun of the Dead), and Buffy (after Buffy the Vampire Slayers). The political and journalistic intrigue is so well done that you sometimes forget it's a zombie book! I can't say enough great things about it. It is just too much fun.

“The difference between the truth and a lie is that both of them can hurt, but only one will take the time to heal you afterward.”

44.
Johannes Cabal:
The Necromancer
by. Jonathan L. Howard

A necromancer with loose morals tries to get out of his deal with the Devil by making a deal with the Devil. With only a monstrous carnival and a vampiric brother to help him, Cabal has a year to collect 100 souls or else lose his last chance to get his soul back.

One of my favorite things about China Miéville is that he is verbose, but his verbosity always fits his writing like a glove. I couldn't help thinking this author was trying to use big words just for the sake of using big words. That being said it was still a fun book. Nothing amazing, but a great potato chip read. The main character is really the main reason for reading it. He is such an anti-hero that you can't help but love him a little bit. I mean the hero of the story is trying to collect souls for the devil in order to serve his own agenda! He isn't a nice man, but he isn't necessarily a bad man either, and that's what makes him so interesting.

“"It's a philosophical minefield!"

Cabal had a brief mental image of Aristotle walking halfway across an open field before unexpectedly disappearing in a fireball. Descartes and Nietzsche looked on appalled.”

45.
More Information Than You Require
by. John Hodgman

A book of true facts that are absolutely false.

I was laughing so hard at this book that a girl at the bus stop had to ask me if it was really that funny. Answer: it really is that funny. Sadly the resulting conversation was short lived as her bus came before I could explain what it was about, but still it remains the only book that has helped me attract a pretty girl (apparently reading books about ants and zombies just doesn't cut it). Do I actually need to describe the book? Isn't the fact that I not only laughed out loud, but attracted a cute girl enough of a recommendation? No? Okay, well, it is a follow up to The Areas of My Expertise (an almanac of complete world knowledge), which was equally hilarious. Like its predecessor it is an almanac full of absolutely true facts that are entirely made up. It sounds bizarre, but trust me when I say it was the funniest damn thing I read all year.

“A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.”

46.
God is Not One:
the eight rival religions that run the world—and why their differences matter
by. Stephen Prothero

A look at the biggest religions in the world and why their differences are important.

I'm sure at one time or another you've heard that argument that all religions are the same, but they really aren't. Each religion has a completely different goal and thus a completely different way of obtaining it. Saying religions are all the same ignores their fundamental natures. The book's purpose is to illustrate those natures. So not only is it giving you a crash course on the history of the world's 8 biggest religions, but it is also showing how these beliefs translate into people's everyday lives.

“And both tolerance and respect are empty virtues until we actually know something about whomever it is we are supposed to be tolerating or respecting.”

47.
Revolutionaries:
a new history of the invention of America
by. Jack Rakove

A look at the revolutionary war through the lens of its prominent figures.

History often ignores the individual in favor of the overall narrative. But this tends to whitewash the story and you miss out on all the great character bubbling through history. I find it hard to describe my thoughts on this book because I both loved and hated it. The chapters went from ones so interesting I couldn't put it down, to ones so boring I couldn't wait to put it down. If anything, it does portray a more interconnected view of the revolutionary figures than the usually partitioned view of a history book.

“Like many a provincial intellectual, the young John Adams harbored ambitions and dreams that outran anything his society could promise to satisfy. Had the American Revolution not intervened, the most life could have offered him was a reasonably prosperous career as an attorney.”

48.
House of Leaves
by. Mark Z. Danielewski

The story of things that aren't what they appear and a man whose house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

This was the my absolute favorite book of the year. I loved it so much I immediately bought a copy for myself. It is both intellectually stimulating and narratively engrossing. While it isn't the best book I've ever read, it is by far the most interesting book I've ever read. Through story structure, as well as typography and design, the book takes you on a crazy journey that makes you question everything. As you read it you feel frightened and confused and intrigued. And you hardly realize that these feelings are mirroring the characters in the story, putting their thoughts into your head so subtlety you didn't even realize what was going on. Even if you don't care about the technical mumbo jumbo of it, the story is fascinating.

A man discovers that his house is bigger on the inside than on the outside. He then subsequently finds a mysterious hallway that leads to a place that should not be possible and you're along for the ride. The setting of this realm is in its very essence terrifying which makes the house itself the most fascinating monster you've ever read about. I'll admit it isn't for everyone. You have to think as you read this one. I couldn't put it down, but sometimes I had to because after too long my head just couldn't keep up the pace and started feeling fatigued.

“To get a better idea try this: focus on these words, and whatever you do don’t let your eyes wander past the perimeter of this page. Now imagine just beyond your peripheral vision, maybe behind you, maybe to the side of you, maybe even in front of you, but right where you can’t see it, something is quietly closing in on you, so quiet in fact you can only hear it as silence. Find those pockets without sound. That’s where it is. Right at this moment. But don’t look. Keep your eyes here. Now take a deep breath. Go ahead take an even deeper one. Only this time as you start to exhale try to imagine how fast it will happen, how hard it’s gonna hit you, how many times it will stab your jugular with its teeth or are they nails?, don’t worry, that particular detail doesn’t matter, because before you have time to even process that you should be moving, you should be running, you should at the very least be flinging up your arms—you sure as hell should be getting rid of this book—you won’t have time to even scream.

Don’t look.

I didn't.

Of course I looked.

I looked so fucking fast I should of ended up wearing one of those neck braces for whiplash.”

49.
Johannes Cabal:
The Detective
by. Jonathan L. Howard

Johannes Cabal is back, but this time, while running from the law, he is forced into the role of detective as he tries to get to the bottom of a murder aboard a zeppelin.

Johannes Cabal is on the run from powerful foes after he pisses off an entire country. I think the first one had a better plot, but this one was written a lot better. A fun read. Once again that has a lot to do with Cabal. He's pretty great.

“The only more immediate alternative that I can think of is a Tantric ritual involving necrophiliac sodomy and, frankly, I don't think my back is up to it.”

50.
Bill Bergson and the White Rose Rescue
by. Astrid Lindgren

It's up to young Bill Bergson and pals to rescue a scientist and his son from a sinister businessman after their secret formula.

In the Millenium trilogy it is alluded to that Lisbeth Salander is based on Pippi Longstocking while Kiel Blomkvist is based on Bill Bergson (both characters from Astrid Lindgren books). I was already familiar with Pippi Longstocking, but I had never heard of Bill Bergson. So I went to the library and picked up a Bill Bergson book. For young readers it turns out Bill Bergson is the star of some pretty good books. Not the kind of thing that interests me enough to read the other books in the series, but definitely something to consider reading to the young kids in your life who are starting on chapter books. Kids love stories about kids besting evil criminals and saving the day.

“The White Roses were three: Bill Bergson, master detective; Anders, his faithful assistant; and the cocky, reckless Eva-Lotta.”