Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Your Little Teacup

Once upon a time
In a land far away
Lived your silly little teacup
who had gone astray.

“Tea is for saps,”
He said with a scoff
As he turned his back on your home
and then headed on off.

He wandered for days
Until he reached a strange new land,
That was coarse and was hot
And was covered in sand.

He got lost in its depths
As the heat made him itchy and dry.
While the chill of the nights
Made him just want to cry.

Day after day 
the rough sands wore him right down.
He looked back on his life
And he gave a little frown.

“You know,” he conceded,
“I don't miss the tea,
But I must admit that...

I've rather missed you.”

Then he cracked,

        and he croaked,

                and he fell into two.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Fresh Prince of the Antarctic

Now this is a story all about,

How my coworkers all got flip-turned inside out.

And I’d like to take a minute,

as the star of the flick,

I’ll tell you how an alien crashed my party in the Antarctic.

In West Antarctica, bored and glazed.

A helicopter was where I spent most of my days.

Chessin’ up maxin’ puttin’ whiskey in my face

Until we had to shoot those Norwegians outside of the base.

We flew up to their crib saw something was amiss,

An alien was making trouble we just couldn’t dismiss.

The dogs got in one little fight and we all got scared.

We said, “That thing’s not natural, we’d all best beware!”

We had to be careful cause if it came near

It could copy our flesh

And look like us in the mirror.

If anything I could say that this thing was rare

But I thought, “Nah, let’s kill it!

…Yo what happened to Blair!?

We-pulled-up to find our rides in dismantled state,

So with nowhere to run, I yelled to my homies,

“Yo, let's blow this place into a crater!”

I looked at the ruins and felt a nip in the air.

I might freeze to death,

but (hopefully) that damn alien just couldn't compare.

Now I'll sit right here and remind y'all not to be too greedy.

So, sayin' a prayer, signin' off, this is pilot R.J. MacReady.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Valentines 2014

I just realized that I never made a post of all the Valentines I made this year! Ugh, I'm a terrible blogger. But better late than never, right?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Movie List 2013: Roundup

The continuing list of all the movies I watched this year.

* = rewatch

Be Warned: I might have let an occasional curse word slip through, because I just love movies so freakin' much!



I think it was about secret agent Ethan Hunt trying to prevent a deadly virus from being unleashed on the world by terrorists.

Genre: Mask-heavy Action

I've been meaning to see Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol for awhile, mostly just because Brad Bird directed it, but I've never gotten around to it. This is in large part because the only Mission Impossible movie I've seen is the first one and it seems wrong to just skip 3 movies. So when I noticed that all the MI movies were on Netflix I figured this was my chance!

Long story short: I did not like this movie and Tom Cruise needs to get a haircut.

“If you look at Hunt's operational history, and I have, you'll notice that he invariably favors misdirection over confrontation.”


Pod People

A poacher murdering alien! A dorky child who should really stop bringing wildlife home with him! A terrible musical group on a vacation in the woods with a hippie no one likes! All this AND MORE!

Genre: MST3K

This is by far my all-time favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I shouldn't have to say anything more than that.

And I won't!

“Look, mom! Trumpy does stupid things!”


Mission: Impossible III

Secret agent Ethan Hunt comes out of retirement to take down an elusive crime lord, but the mission goes awry and the crime lord kidnaps Hunt's wife to get revenge.

Genre: Secret agent Action

The thing you really walk away from this movie with is Philip Seymour Hoffman's (R.I.P.) performance. He really knocked this one out of the park. Holy crap. He is such a great villain.

I had a good time watching this one. My roommate said that he was disappointed that the stakes were much lower than in the previous movies, but I don't agree. I don't really like the Bond-style action series where the same secret agent keeps getting called in to prevent some global threat. I mean, really, it starts to get ridiculous after awhile. I liked that this time the stakes weren't high for the world, but they were high for the character.

This time: it's personal.
^ Much to its discredit they don't actually say this in the movie.

“Who are you? What's your name? Do you have a wife? A girlfriend? Because if you do, I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna hurt her. I'm gonna make her bleed, and cry, and call out your name. And then I'm gonna find you, and kill you right in front of her.”


Mission: Impossible
Ghost Protocol

When the Impossible Mission Force gets shut down secret agent Ethan Hunt and his team must go rogue in order to prevent a madman from starting WWIII.

Genre: Secret Agent Action

This movie is a lot of fun. I'd say it is definitely the best of the bunch...well, maybe it's a tie, I do have a lot of nostalgic love for the first one after all. But still!

Brad Bird, for those of you who don't know, is the writer/director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, & Ratatouille. As well as a key player with The Simpsons back in its glory days. In short: Brad Bird is wicked sexy.

This movie's got just the right mix of humor, action, gadgets, explosions, and fun. You really don't have to have watched all the movies to enjoy this one (even though I insisted on doing just that). And I highly recommend you give it a try. I mean, it's a movie directed by Brad Bird and wherein Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg act together! What more do you want!?

Next time, I get to seduce the rich guy.”

*   164.   *

Star Wars Episode IV:
A New Hope


*   165.   *

Star Wars Episode V:
The Empire Strikes Back


*   166.   *

Star Wars Episode VI:
Return of the Jedi


*   167.   *

So I Married an Axe Murderer

A commitment-phobic beat poet falls in love with a beautiful butcher. However, he starts thinking that she might be the infamous ax murdering black widow he's read about in the papers! Is he once again trying to find an excuse to cut and run from a serious relationship or is he really on to something?

Genre: Mike Meyers Romantic Comedy

I went to my friend Lonnie's and had him pick a movie to watch at random and this is what I got.

I've actually seen this one before and wasn't a big fan, but I've gotta admit that seeing it with someone who loves it makes it much more enjoyable than watching it alone in your room (which is how I saw it the first time). Mike Meyers gets a little too Mike Meyersy at times and they never explain how he makes any money considering all we see him do is read beat poetry at a cafe's open mic night...and especially since he only seems to have one poem.

Here's a weird tidbit for you, Michael Richards has a cameo in this movie wherein he actually yells “I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying for!” Which is really a weird thing to see considering his later transgressions.

Also Phil Hartman has a wonderful cameo in this movie!

“You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuk-Yu. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.”

*   168.   *

Lilo & Stitch

On the Hawaiian island of Kaua'i, a young woman becomes the guardian of her little sister Lilo after their parents die in a car crash. The sisters struggle in the face of their tragedy to prove to child protective services that they can create a home environment suitable for Lilo so she won't be taken away. And if things weren't already hard enough, it turns out their new dog is actually an escaped alien biological experiment.

Genre: Heart-warming Animated Comedy

Lilo & Stitch is my favorite Disney movie. Heck, it ranks right up there with my favorite movies of all time.

It's adorable, it's funny, it's weird, it gives you the feels in all the right places, the characters are all wonderful, the designs and the style are amazing, it's just a wonderful movie in every aspect.

“This is your badness level. It's unusually high for someone your size. We have to fix that.”

*   169.   *

A Goofy Movie

Goofy's teenage son Max is embarrassed by his dad (for good reason) and wants to get out from under his shadow. Yet this causes Goofy to feel that he and Max are drifting apart and thus decides to take him on a road trip to go fishing. Max, however, has other plans.

Genre: Animated comedy about fathers and sons.

My friend made me a copy of this movie and gave it to me as a birthday present. Unfortunately something didn't quite go right, because the film routinely lagged and it got so bad at the end that the Powerline concert is unwatchable.

But I got to see most of it (and I've seen it before), so it was still fun. If Brave is the animated movie all about Mother/Daughter bonds, A Goofy Movie is the equivalent for Father/Sons.

Ever since my roommate Nick pointed out that pretty much all the problems in comedies are caused by a lack of communication, I can't help but noticing that he makes a good point. Pretty much every single problem in this movie would be solved if Max and Goofy would just talk to one another.

“Dad, I know you really want to go fishing this weekend, but I've had a crush on this girl in my class for the longest time and I finally got up the courage to ask her if she'd go to the big party this weekend and she said Yes! Please, can we put off the camping trip? This is really important to me.”

“Well, gawrsh, son. I understand. I was young once too, hyuck [awkard wink & nudge]. We can just go next weekend.”

Bam! Roll credits.

But instead no one listens to anyone / says what's on their mind and subsequently many shenanigans ensue.

Anyways, it's a pretty great movie in spite of that.

“You look just like I did at your age.”

“Please don't say that, Dad.”

*   170.   *

Spirited Away

A young girl and her parents investigate a strange abandoned theme park, but end up getting trapped in a world of spirits. Now it's up to her to save her parents from being eaten and escape back to the human world.

Genre: Imaginative Animated Adventure

I watched this one on Thanksgiving and I don't care what anyone else says, this is definitely an appropriate movie for Thanksgiving. It's got family, it's got people gorging themselves on food, it's got themes of being thankful for what you have, it's got it all.

People often tell me this is their favorite Miyazaki movie and I can't blame them. It's visually beautiful, incredibly imaginative, the music is brilliant. Personally I like a number of Ghibli movies more, but it's still a fantasy tour de force full of truly imaginative visuals.

“Oh, my baby! Are you all right? Are you emotionally traumatized?”

*   171.   *

Robin Hood

A fox and a bear get loot from a lion, pester a python, and bother a badger in order to help oppressed townsfolk.

Genre: Disney Animation

This was one of those Disney movies I'd watch again and again as a kid and I can see why. As much as I love Disney classics, I'd get burned out pretty quick if I watched most of them too frequently. However, there's just something about this one. The jokes are more laid back and the songs are more subtle and less grandiose. It might not have the huge sweeping moments that something like Beauty & The Beast has, but that means you don't have to invest as much in it.

This isn't sounding very much like praise, is it? I mean all this in a complimentary way! It's just a wonderfully laid-back Disney movie that you can just sit back and enjoy.

“Robin  Hood and Little John/
Running through the forest/
Jumping fences, dodging trees/
trying to get away.

Contemplating nothing but escaping/
finally making it./
Oo-da-lally, Oo-da-lally/
Golly what a day.”

172. 174.

The Legend is Born: Ip Man
Ip Man
Ip Man 2

Tales of the legendary martial arts master Ip Man.

Genre: Martial Arts

My roommate stumbled across these Ip Man movies on Netflix and said I should watch them and so I did!

The first one I watched (The Legend is Born) is the story of Ip Man before he had become a master. It wasn't very interesting.

Ip Man is a ton of fun. There's some really amazing fight scenes. Which is kind of the key to a great martial arts movie.

Lastly, Ip Man 2 is a lot of fun and has some great fights too, but overall had a much goofier feel than the others.


Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2

After being left unchecked the FLDSMDFR has turned Swallow Falls into an island of food inhabited by sentient food creatures. Now Flynn and his friends are asked to help eccentric scientist turn off the machine.

Genre: Animated Adventure

When I first heard they were making a Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs movie I was aghast. It seemed like Hollywood once again was trying to cash in on a famous book, despite the fact that it's a book without any real plot to speak of. However, they proved me wrong and it was great. So I was pretty excited to see how they did in the sequel.

You know what? I might go as far as to say that I like this one more than I did the first one. The lost world of food they make is impossibly fun and the puns...oh the puns! So much fun.

“There's a leek in the boat!”



Two sisters struggle to reconnect after ice powers and dead parents get in the way of their relationship.

Genre: Disney Animation

Remember when people could just not like a movie instead of creating a shield of social judgment to hide behind? I swear, I keep running into people on the internet who love ripping into this movie and none of them have legitimate reasons. I have yet to hear one person who just didn't like it because it wasn't really their thing (which would be a perfectly acceptable reason). It's maddening!

Is Frozen a perfect movie? No. Are there some valid criticisms about it? Yes, of course. But that can be said of every movie out there. If you're waiting for a perfect movie then you're going to be waiting for a long time. The important thing is that Frozen represents a solid step in the right direction. I love that this is a Disney movie about princesses, but the story is about the relationship between sisters and not about romance. In fact it openly mocks many of the tropes we've come to associate with the princess genre. It's a breath of fresh air.

Not to mention that the whole thing is a very clever take on Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. I love how they made it about sisters instead of a couple and their take on the Mirror of the story was extremely clever.

This is the first Disney movie in quite some time that's captured that wonderful feel of the Disney movies of the old days. The song's are all great (well, I'm not a big fan of the troll song, but whatever), the characters are fantastic, the comic relief character was actually a lot of fun for once, and the whole thing just makes you feel like a kid again.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

*   177.   *

Street Fighter

A random assortment of weird people try to stop an evil dictator from being so evil.

Genre: Video game turned movie

It was my roommate Nick's birthday and his birthday wish was to watch Street Fighter and Mystery Men with his roommates. So who are we to deny such a simple request?

In other news this movie incredibly dumb. No movie makes you want to watch Mortal Kombat more. Because sure Mortal Kombat is ridiculous, but it's got the game at in its heart. Street Fighter tries to turn a fighting game into a more realistic secret-agent style movie and it's just dumb.

“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life.

But for me, it was Tuesday.”

*   178.   *

Mystery Men

After the city's top superhero goes missing it's up to a group of wannabe superheros to save the city from a nefarious super villain.

Genre: Superhero comedy

There's a lot of parts of this movie that I like, but when it comes right down to it I just don't care for it. There's just something about the style of everything that puts me off.

“Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.”


The Selling

A real estate agent looking to make some easy money buys a cheap house and hopes to be able to flip it for a tidy profit, however, it turns out the reason it was so cheap is because it's haunted. Now he's stuck trying to sell a haunted house and the ghosts of the house are not making things easy on him.

Genre: Horror parody

Is there a term for when a movie feels like “a movie” and not an immersive story? Like when the lines feel like a script and the events feel like plot beats? If there isn't there really should be, because this movie's got a case of that. But it is a low-budget indie movie, so I really can't hold that against them.

In any case it's a fun movie and I enjoyed it so who cares! There's a number of clever ideas and great jokes here. Plus special shout out to actress Etta Devine who is hilarious and makes this movie.

“What do we need a goat for anyways?”

“...I don't know.”

*   180.   *

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Harry Potter fights a nasty man!

Genre: Wizards Wizards Wizards!

Oddly, it's been quite a long while since I've seen this one without the Wizard People, Dear Reader audio on. Frankly I kind of missed it. It's just not nearly as good without it. I don't really like the Chris Columbus HP movies very much. It's like they capture the look of the books, but not the feel? I don't know. Something like that.

“You're a wizard, Harry!”

*   181.   *

The Princess Bride

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles, & MORE!

Genre: Brilliant

This has got to be one of the most quotable movies of all time if not The Most quotable. I mean, holy crap, every line is gold.

I feel like a fool telling you about The Princess Bride. If you haven't watched it then you have serious issues and you should get out there and start enjoying the good things in life.

“You're wonderful.”

“Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.”

*   182.   *

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter fights a big ol' snake!

Genre: Wizard Fantasy for kids

Really, I have to say these movies only get better as they go on. These first two are super dorky and awkward. They try to squeeze everything from the books into the movie and the result is rather jumbled and not very streamlined.

“Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house elf in my bedroom.”

*   183.   *

National Lampoon's
Christmas Vacation

Clark Griswald tries to throw a fun old-fashioned family Christmas, but unfortunately for him, nothing goes according to plan when family is involved.

Genre: Christmas Classic

One of the greatest Christmas movies ever made. Also, in my opinion, one of the most accurate depictions of family interaction.

ALSO I got to see this on the big screen this year when a local library put on a special showing of it as a fund-raiser. So double score!

“Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”

*   184.   *

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter fights a creepy rat!

Genre: Magical Murder Mystery

This is where the HP movies start to get a lot better. Actually, this one is one of my favorites in the series. I mean, it's got Gary Oldman in it! You gotta love it for that. Plus there's dementors and all sorts of other dark shit. HP is always at its best when shit gets dark.

“Oh yeah...well, Harry's got a sort of wonky cross...that's trials and suffering. And, uh, that there could be the sun, and that's happiness, so...you're gonna suffer...but you're gonna be happy about it.”

*   185.   *

The Lost Empire

A nerdy archaeologist is asked to join an expedition to find the lost city of Atlantis, but it turns out this mission is trying to find the city for all the wrong reasons.

Genre: Animated flop

Can someone please explain to me how a Disney animated movie starring Michael J. Fox, Jim Varney, Leonard Nimoy, John Mahoney, et al. could be this bad?

“We done a lot of things we're not proud of: Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking. But, nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew.”

*   186.   *

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter fights a handsome classmate!

Genre: Magical kids in the world's most deadly school

Ah yeah, the movies are starting to get good now! Well, if I'm being honest, they really rushed the story in this one so it doesn't really work the level it does in the book, but at least now they're getting the feel and the visuals closer to the mark.

Plus, I know this is so minor, but I thought their mermaid designs were really interesting. I loved how the fins were orientated like a fish's and not like a dolphin's.

Also, does any one else find it hilarious that Edward Cullen, aka Robert Pattinson, is in this? And as Harry's opponent no less?

Oh, did I mention that Ralph Fiennes finally shows up in this movie? Because he does! Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort is so enjoyable to watch. He plays Voldemort as very detached and other-worldly, which strikes me as slightly odd, but it's really fun to see him in this role regardless.

“Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?”


The Hobbit:
The Desolation of Smaug

A group of vertically challenged men go on an adventure and learn the power of friendship...oh, and something about killing a dragon.

Genre: Adventure

I just went back to see what I had to say about the first movie last year and I discovered that it wasn't there! I saw that movie 3 times last year! (it was a the theater so it was free for me and people kept asking me if I wanted to go see it with them). Ugh. I am a failure at lists. Not even the first time that's happened.

In other news, I don't actually care for Tolkien very much. You need to know this because it relates to the fact that I don't actually care how true to the books the movies are. From what little I've heard from the hardcore Tolkien fans they did not like this movie at all. And if you are one of those people you can feel free to write off my opinions as the ravings of an obvious lunatic. I'm okay with that.

I like these movies and I liked this one a lot more than I did the first one. They seem like they're aimed more at kids than the LoTR movies were and it works better because of that. Plus the structure of this one was a lot more streamlined than An Unexpected Journey was; there's much less pointless filler bits.

Plus I thought they did a great job with Smaug, I like that they actually have some women in this one, I continue to enjoy seeing Martin Freeman as Bilbo, and the whole Necromancer storyline works a lot better in this movie than in the previous one. And it just comes down to the fact that it's just a fun adventure movie. They've got sweeping landscapes and crazy escapes and daring do and a Dragon! THERE'S A DRAGON IN THIS MOVIE!

I mean, if that's not enough then I just don't understand what you're looking for in a movie.

“There is something about you. Something you carry, something made of gold...but far more PRECIOUS.”

*   188.   *

Grumpy Old Men

Two old men are both neighbors and rivals (and deep down best friends). But things are brought to a head when a beautiful woman moves in across the street from them.

Genre: Old Man Buddy Comedy

Oh, Walter Matthau, you are adorable. I hope I can be half the crotchety old man that you are.

I love this movie for many reasons. It stars Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith, and Daryl Hannah. Christopher McDonald plays a bad guy and his bad guys are always so much fun (see Happy Gilmore and The Iron Giant for further proof). It's about grumpy old men. It takes place in Minnesota. Did I mention it's about two grumpy old Minnesota guys?!

There is nothing not to love about this movie.

“You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?”

“Have you seen him?”

“The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.”


“Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”



A girl gets shrunken down because of reasons and is tasked to make sure a flower bud doesn't fall into the wrong hands so that it can blossom into a new queen of the forest.

Genre: Animated Adventure

I don't even know what to say about this. It's basically a modern take on Fern Gully.

I love the idea of this movie, but I don't really care for the execution. I also didn't really like any of the characters. I didn't hate them, but I really wouldn't have cared if anyone had died. Let's put it that way.

So yeah, interesting ideas, fun visuals, & lackluster characters/plot. But there was no “wacky” Robin Williams bat, so it definitely has that going for it.

“Many leaves, one tree. We're all individuals, but we're still connected. No one's alone.”

*   190.   *

Grumpier Old Men

A new woman in town and a wedding in the works reignites the old rivalry between two grumpy old men.

Genre: Comedy starring adorable seniors

This one not only has all the great things about the first one, but it also has Sophia Loren!

Overall, I'd say the first movie has a stronger story arc, but this one is still tons of fun.

“I am the gangster of love.”

“Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?”

“Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”


Mystery Science Theater 3000:
I Accuse My Parents

An old movie that was made in an attempt to scare people into paying more attention to their kids.

Genre: MST3K

God, this is a weird movie to end my year on, but there you have it.

There's a bunch of MST3K movie's on Netflix so I figured I'd watch one I had never seen before. I always prefer the ones where the movie would be entertainingly bad in it's own right (as opposed to the unwatchably bad) and this definitely falls into that category.

I guess it was supposed to be some moralistic teaching video about how parents should be invested in their kids' lives? But oddly it kind of works against that theory, because this kids' parents weren't that bad (all things considered) and this kid CLEARLY had a good moral compass, he was just unbelievably DUMB. He 100% should have known better, doofy alcoholic parents or not.

A shady man wants you to deliver packages for him and not ask what you're delivering? And he'll pay you a lot to do it? Why, that doesn't sound the least bit suspicious/illegal, right!

And in the courtroom this kid's defense is honest-to-God that it's his parents fault. Hey, kid, let me tell you something. If that was a legitimate defense you'd better believe EVERYONE would be using it.

“Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar!”

2013 Totals

Total # of movies: 190
(I know the list says 191, but I accidentally listed both times I watched Hot Fuzz and am too lazy to correct everything.)

# of new movies watched: 91

# of animated movies:  27

Movies watched more than once in 2013:
  • Hot Fuzz
  • Paranorman
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Brave
  • Brick
  • Stranger Than Fiction
  • John Dies at the End
  • Tekkonkinkreet
  • Sunshine 
  • The Emperor's New Groove
  • A Muppet Christmas Carol
  • The Heat
  • The Great Muppet Caper

Favorite new movies seen (according to genre):

Romance: Silver Linings Playbook

Action: Django Unchained

Comedy: The Heat

Drama: Winter's Bone

Documentary: Sign Painters

Horror: You're Next

Animation: Frozen

Worst movie of the year: RESIDENT EVIL!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Movie List 2013: 126-159

 The continuing list of all the movies I watched this year.

* = rewatch

Be Warned: I might have let an occasional curse word slip through, because I just love movies so freakin' much!

*   126.   *

The Ladykillers

A motley crew of criminals attempt to dupe an old woman in order to pull off a casino heist.

Genre: Criminal heist comedy

A Coen Brothers comedy starring Tom Hanks? Need I say more?

I need not.

Rating: Hilarious. 

“You, madam, are addressing a man, who is in fact quiet... and yet, not quiet, if I may offer to you a riddle.”


Rewind This!

A documentary about VHS tapes and those who love them.

Genre: Quirky documentary

In the future I'll have to explain the VHS culture I grew up in to kids who just won't understand. They'll not know the thrill of going to the video store and picking out what movies you wanted to see that week. And we didn't have IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes or anything to tell us what was good, we didn't even have Youtube to look up trailers. You had to choose movies like you'd choose a book. Make your choices by looking at the covers, reading the backs, or maybe you'd pick one just because it had an actor or director you liked.

Anyways, back on topic, this is an interesting documentary. It's fun and it shines a light on the history and impact VHS had.

That being said, my one problem with it was that the whole thing was a little all over the place. I mean, they'd be talking about the rise of VHS and then they'd be talking about VHS obsessed people of today and then they'd be talking about the quirks of the technology, etc. In a really polished documentary these ideas would lead into one another to create a narrative, but here they're all kind of jumbled together. However, I'll choose interesting content and a fun style in my documentaries over good flow any day, so it works.

So there you go: fun movie, interesting subject, good interviews, hodgepodge editing.

“When you're looking at a shelf, it's very democratic and the best cover catches your eye.”

“Production price tag, you know, Terminator: $80,000,000. Puppetmaster: $400,000.
It's not an even playing field, but in the video store they were all on the same shelf, all in the same size boxes.”

*   128.   *


 A young girl is raised in isolation by her AWOL secret agent father and taught to survive, to run, and to kill. Now she's fifteen and it's time for her to see the world, but the second they surface the government will be after them and won't stop until they're both dead.

Genre: Artistic action fairy tale.

I first saw this movie in theaters it was on a whim and was so glad that I did. It was a brilliant movie then and it still is now. I guess it's an action movie, but it's all done in such a beautiful and unique way.

Yet that makes it so hard to describe to people! It's an action movie, it's a drama, it's a weird modern fairy tale!

Whatever you want to call it, I love it. It's sweet, it's exciting, and it's in league of its own.

“I tried to prepare you.”

“You didn't prepare me for this.”

*   129.   *


A half-vampire with the ability to go out in the day wages a secret war against vampires.

Genre: Vampire action

Blade is a strange sort of movie. When I look back on it, a lot of it is super dumb. But damn, there's a few bits that are kind of brilliant. I mean the vampire rave scene for instance? How about that scene of Blade's birth? I mean, hell, I can vividly recall a number of bits from this movie, and you've gotta give some credit to a movie that can provide such memorable imagery.

Plus there are some interesting ideas at work. I like the idea of a half-vampire, I love that he's called “The Day Walker” (it just sounds so cool, don't you think?). I mean, I don't really care about the main villain at all, and frankly quite a lot of this movie is just out to provide action and gore while trying to be really “cool.” And yet it's a movie with some great imagery, not mention that it's an action movie starring a black hero (who is not Will Smith). PLUS it also stars a black woman. AND she's a highly intelligent doctor who actually has a developed character! I mean, that doesn't happen very often. Finding action movies that don't star white males as the heroes is hard enough, but don't even get me started on the under representation of black women in action movies (let alone films in general).

Here, let's play a game. Off the top of your head name 3 action movies that feature both a black man and woman in lead roles.

See what I mean? You had to stop and think about it for a while, didn't you? Maybe you couldn't even do it.

I came up with: 1.Django Unchained, 2. The Matrix Reloaded, and 3. Blade.

And both Kerry Washington in Django and Jada Pinkett Smith in Matrix were side characters...plus considering we're talking about Blade right now I'm pretty sure I cheated by using it in my 3...uh, what else...Ghosts of Mars? I haven't actually seen that one, but Pam Grier was a star in it, wasn't she? In either case, kudos to Blade!

Even if it's not your kind of movie you've gotta respect it for working outside the usual action box.

“You're one of them, aren't you?”

“No, I'm something else.”


Jeepers Creepers

After sticking his nose where it didn't belong, a young Justin Long becomes the target of a supernatural predator.

Genre: Ineffective 00's  horror

This movie is weird on so many levels. I could put on my judgment cap and go to town with all the things that are wrong about this movie. But I won't. And why not? Well, because I had a ton of fun watching it.

Judge me all you want! It's a completely absurd horror movie, but it's so ridiculous that it's fun. This movie made a great move by casting Justin Long, because he's what makes it wonderful. Mostly because what makes him so great at comedy also makes him kind of really bad at horror.

I just can't not think of him as Justin Long. So for me this is a movie about crazy monster man hunting a young Justin Long. Just imagine if you will a frazzled Justin Long freaking out as a battered old truck with a doofy-sounding horn tries to run him off the road. Who wouldn't want to see such a movie?

“You know the part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid, and everybody hates them for it? This is it.”


Jeepers Creepers 2

Oh jeez...umm...a group of high school athletes are going somewhere on a school bus and the bus is attacked by the monster-thing from the first movie, but it's kind of different and uses ninja stars for some reason.

Genre: Bad horror sequel to a funny-bad horror film

I honestly can't quite remember what exactly goes on in this movie...or any of the characters for that matter. I could blame it on the fact that it's been a few months since I saw it, or I could blame the fact that nothing happened worth remembering. I mean the vast majority of this movie happens either on a broken down school bus or right next to a broken down school bus. Which is so weird! After all the first movie was all about the characters trying to run from the creature and in this one they're all just sitting around.

Of the bits I remember, I clearly recall that the dudes on this dull unmoving bus really loved doing 3 things:

1) Taking off their shirts around each other.
2) Cruelly making fun of the kid they thought might be gay.
3) Ignoring the hypocrisy at work there.

Really, this movie is just weird. In the first movie the creature was kind of like a dude. It had its own weird lair and it drove a truck. But in this one it's more bat than man? And it throws shuriken made from bone for some reason? I think the studio was hoping to create a new Horror series that they could pump endless sequels from, but changing everything from the first movie kind of seems like a bad way to do that.

Apparently the public agreed because it didn't do well and there's no Jeepers Creepers 3.

I mean, come on. A Jeepers Creepers movie with neither Justin Long nor a weird old truck? I just don't see the point.

“What's the story on this thing?”

“Whatever you've heard, probably.”

“You expect us to think that thing's real?”

“Don't really care.”


In Bruges

After messing up a hit, a gang member is being sent to the small town of Bruges until things cool down. Or at least that's what he's being told.

Genre: Drama?

I believe the box for this one reads “Colin Farrell and Academy Award-nominee Ralph Fiennes star in this edgy, action-packed comedy, filled with thrilling chases, spectacular shoot-outs and an explosive ending you won't want to miss!”

I'm here to tell you that that is 100% bullshit.

...okay, well, not 100%, but definitely 80% or so.

There's kind of like one short half-hearted chase. There are no shoot-outs. The ending isn't explosive. There really isn't much action. Colin Farrell and Ralph Fiennes are 2 of the stars and they do say some pretty edgy stuff, so they got that part right at least.

From that write-up I was expecting a Snatch or Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels kind of thing. But it's really a rather slow-paced drama. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it or anything, I'm just saying it was far from what I was expecting / lead to believe by the box.

I think I'll have to see it again to really know what to think of it, but I enjoyed it. A number of bits kind of seemed edgy for edgy's sake and I'm not a fan of that. But it's definitely an interesting movie. Sure they say edgy things and jokes are told, but those parts are all pretty forgettable. It's the dramatic bits that really made this movie.

“Coming up?”

“What's up there?”

“The view.”

“The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that down here.”

“Ray, you are the worst tourist in the whole world.”


The Butler

A look at civil rights in America as seen through the life of the White House's butler.

Genre: Drama

I saw this at the theater because it was free and I do so enjoy Forest Whitaker.

It was enjoyable, but I don't remember too much about it. If you like Forest Whitaker and want to remember some of America's sordid history then I'd say go ahead and give it a watch.

America has always turned a blind eye to what we done to our own. We look out to the world and judge. We hear about the concentration camps but these camps went on for two hundred years right here in America.”

*   134.   *

The Craft

A high school girl in a bad wig joins up with a group of witches and that turns out to be a very bad idea.

Genre: 90's fueled high school horror.

Jesse, why are you always harping on the little things?

Whatever! You cannot seriously tell me that this girl's wig is not a huge distraction. It's terrible! They've been using wigs in movies forever, shouldn't they be better than this by now?

Also, I hate that wig girl is smitten with the campus asshole. Even after he treats her like shit and spreads rumors about her. Weird twist: This movie came out the same year as Scream and both movies feature Skeet Ulrich playing the school's resident popular asshole who treats the main girl like shit and is loved for it. What?! Coincidence? Probably!

The Craft is a weird movie and I really don't care about it all that much. HOWEVER there's a scene in this movie that I can never forget. It's the bit where the witches cause this one girl's hair to fall out and it is forever burned into my memory. I don't know what it is about that scene, but it creeps me out something fierce. I'd even go as far as to say it's one of the scariest cinematic scenes I've ever seen.

Every once in awhile I have to watch the whole movie just to remember what else happens in it. But who cares about the rest! That scene is horrifying! I don't know why, but it is. I first saw it as a kid and it just freaked me the fuck out.

I would recommend you watch this movie just for that scene.

And maybe also because you can see that terrible wig and know that it is indeed awful and I'm not exaggerating about it (much).

“Watch out for the weirdos, girls.”
“We are the weirdos, mister.”

*   135.   *

The Crazies

A government-developed chemical weapon is accidentally released into a small town's water supply when the plane carrying it crashes. Those infected lose their minds to violent impulses, trapping the rest between their killer neighbors and a government desperate to cover everything up.

Genre:  Horror remake

Confession: I've never seen the original 1973 The Crazies, but this is my second time seeing this one. It's not that I'm not interested in seeing the original, but because multiple friends of mine own this one, but no one has the old one!

Anyways, I like this movie! It's spooky. I love how shit hits the fan and suddenly everyone's a threat and these poor people just want to get the fuck out of there.

On a side note, only 10 movies into this post and 5 of these are ones I watched with a girl I was seeing. Because nothing says date night like Horror movies, amiright?

“This is really happening.”
“It's gonna be all right. We're gonna be okay.”
“You don't really believe that, do you?”

*   136.   *


What if there was a device that could tell you exactly when you were going to meet your soul mate? And what if yours was blank?

Genre: Romantic comedy with a touch of Sci-Fi

I'm a big fan of this movie. It's a perfect blend of romantic comedy and thought-provoking science fiction.

And let's be honest, it's just super cute.

If a clock could count down to the exact moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?”


Resident Evil

I don't even fucking know. A secret lab is developing chemical weapons or something and someone sneaks in and releases it? And then some military types are sent in to kill everyone? Or make sure it doesn't get out?

Genre: Abomination


Do yourself a favor and don't watch this movie. I made the mistake of thinking it would be so bad it would be good. But it's not. It's just bad bad. Please, just trust me on this and don't see it. In fact I should probably stop talking about it, because the more I talk about it the more you're just gonna start wanting to see it anyway and you shouldn't.


“That homicidal bitch killed my team!”
“That homicidal bitch may be our only way out of here.”

*   138.   *


A pair of fallen angels find a way back into heaven, but by doing so they could inadvertently undo the whole of creation. It's up to an abortion clinic worker, two foul mouthed prophets, a muse, and the 13th apostle to put a stop to them.

Genre: Brilliant theological comedy

Is it sad that I relate to this movie on a very spiritual level? It probably is, but I don't really care. This movie blew my mind as a kid. It asks all the right questions, deals with all the right issues, and gives you quite a lot to think about. It would be easy for someone to dismiss this movie out of hand as sacrilegious, because it makes jokes about religion, but they just wouldn't understand.

This movie isn't attacking Christianity at all. It actually does a phenomenal job of pointing out some of the great things about it, the jokes come from a loving place. When they do make jokes at someone's expense they're really making it at the expense of religious Institutions, not the religions themselves.

Which I think is quite fair, because Institutions have proven themselves to have a tendency to skew the story to fit within its desired framework. The movie pokes holes in their cover in a very clever way. I mean, their “Buddy Christ” scene says it all, but they do it in a number of ways. For instance Jesus is said to have been black, God is shown as both a woman and a man and is stated to not really be either.

Plus just look at the cast! Chris Rock, Matt Damon, George Carlin, Linda Fiorentino, Jason Lee, Salma Hayek! I mean if you don't want to see a movie with Alanis Morissette as God and Alan Rickman as the Metatron, then I just don't understand you at all.

“He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.”

“Having beliefs isn't good?”

“I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.”

*   139.   *

The Thing

A research base in the antarctic finds itself under attack from an alien creature with the power to mimic any creature it touches. Now with nowhere to run the base's crew are stuck together and no one can be sure who's human and who's a thing.

Genre: Horror Classic

I looooooovvvee this movie. It's one of my favorite movies in general, and my second favorite horror movie.

I mean, damn. Practical effects all over the place and they're still just as creepy as they ever were.

Also, what's this? Kurt Russell? Kicking ass and wearing a dope hat? It doesn't get much better than that.

“I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.”

*   140.   *

Ernest Scared Stupid

Bumbling trashman Ernest P. Worrell accidentally frees an ancient troll from his prison thus allowing him to resume his quest to suck the life out of children.

Genre: Children's Horror

A perennial Halloween must-see of mine.

I was a big Ernest fan as a kid so I've seen them all and this one is definitely my favorite. I mean, really, how can you not love a movie starring Jim Varney and Eartha Kitt?

Fun fact: This was the last movie I watched with that girl I was seeing, before everything went butter-side down. Wait a second...that's not a fun fact at all!

Sometimes you've got to do what YOU know is right, no matter what anybody tells you.”



While doing routine maintenance on Hubble, a cloud of space debris destroys two astronauts' ship and leaves them adrift in space, struggling to think of a way to get home.

Genre: Space Drama

A beautiful and powerful movie.

Also, randomly, this would probably be a great movie to watch at home and fall asleep to.

 “The way I see it, there are only two possible outcomes. Either I make it down there in one piece and I have one hell of a story to tell. Or I burn up in the next ten minutes. Either way, whichever way... no harm, no foul. Because either way, it's going to be one hell of a ride.”



A vampire leaves his home in Transylvania to come to England(?) because...I dunno, why not, I guess? Anyway, he macks on the wrong chicas and old man Van Helsing figures out he's a vampire and tries to stop him from eating all the fly honeys.

Genre: Infamous Old-school horror

Here's a bizarre thought, back in the day this movie was TERRIFYING. Seriously. It scared the shit out of people. I could not stop thinking about that during this movie, because it is far from scary. It's very old timey in its approach. Lots of stage dialogue and sudden close-ups of reaction shots, you can kind of tell talkies hadn't been around for very long, because there's definitely a silent movie aesthetic at work in the cinematography.

I'm not saying its bad or anything, far from it, I'm just saying that it is not at all scary. It's a classic though. I mean when it comes to Dracula this is what defined the look. While watching this you can clearly see how iconic it is and how much of an effect its had.

On another note, do you ever think about how much fun it would be to go back in time and show some people a modern horror movie? Like The Shining or The Exorcist or something? You'd probably terrify them into a coma.

The strength of the vampire is that people will not believe in him.”

*   143.   *

Sleepy Hollow

A Victorian-era forensic pathologist is sent to investigate a small town's claims of spectral murders.

Genre: Tim Burton glory days

Ahh, remember when Tim Burton movies were always great?

Well, I guess some people don't put this one in their list of Burton's greatness, but who cares about those people! It's got Johnny Depp as a weirdly anachronistic (and bizarrely hemophobic) forensic scientist and Christopher Walken as the headless horseman! And what's that? Christina Ricci? And look over there it's Mr. Dursely himself, the one and only Richard Griffiths (bless his soul)!

Burton is ever so good at doing an oddly lighthearted take on darkness and he's bringing his A-game to this one. All the dark imagery and ideas bounce off the silly ones and that's what has always been fun about the legend of Ichabod Crane.

I'm not gonna tell you that this is some perfect movie or anything, but it's super fun. What more do you want? It's a great time at the movies. Watch it with your friends, eat some pizza, drink something questionable. You deserve it!

“Villainy wears many masks, none of which so dangerous as virtue...”


Beauty is Embarrassing

A documentary about the artist Wayne White.

Genre: I just said it was a documentary. Pay some attention why don't you.

My dear cousin Melinda recommended this one to me and I'm really glad she did. I never watched Pewee's Playhouse as a kid, or really anything this guy has done, and yet I still loved this documentary. I think that says a lot. This guy is really interesting, the documentary is extremely well done, and it leaves you with a lot of interesting thoughts about art.

And you know what? I already want to see it again.

“Wayne is one of those artists who have touched people in ways they don't even know.”



 A failed attempt to look into the concept of male grooming.

Genre: Documentary

Starting with Beauty Is Embarrassing back there I went on a bit of a Netflix movie craze for a bit. And I saw this one and thought, “Sure. Why not.”

Anyways, this movie isn't that good. It's not terrible, but there's nothing of substance here. Instead of actually investigating different ideas and thoughts about men's fashion they just kind of talk about one individual who deals with it? I mean, sure there are occasionally some experts weighing in on the topics, but more often it's just random comedians. That's probably the biggest problem with the movie, it's trying to be funny and accessible instead of well-researched and thought provoking.

In the end it just seems like a complete waste of an interesting concept.


The People vs. George Lucas

A documentary looking at George Lucas' positive and negative contributions to his Star Wars franchise.

Genre: Documentary

George Lucas is the worst.

Now that that's out of the way, I love Star Wars so you've gotta assume any documentary talking about Star Wars is going to be something I'll enjoy. If you love Star Wars you'll probably find it interesting and if you don't love Star Wars then...well, then you've got bigger problems.

So instead of reviewing this movie I'll supply a link to the most amazingly thorough, brilliantly accurate, and just plain weirdest review of the shitstorm that was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Because fuck you, George Lucas.


Tiny Furniture

A young woman graduates from graduate school and moves back home to contemplate her next move. However, she has no idea what to do next.

Genre: Drama

Ah, the end of my Netflix movie streak.

Anyways, this movie is awful. Every single one of the characters is a terrible person and does terrible things to everyone else and you just want to smack them all and yell, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! There are only like one or two characters who are decent and they're barely in it and I think they're only in it to accentuate the point of just how awful everyone is.

You know the thing about your friends? They weren't assholes, were they?”

No, not at all.”

See, that's the problem. Our people are assholes. Our moms are assholes.”

You think my mom's an asshole?”

Yeah. She's too successful not to be.”


Bride of Frankenstein

In this sequel to Frankenstein we learn that both the doctor and his monster survived! Now Dr. Frankenstein is being coerced by the crazed Dr. Pretorious into sharing his secrets of life after death, so they can work together to tempt fate once again.

Genre: Campy B&W classic

I've always seen references to the Bride of Frankenstein, but before this I had never actually seen it. When I saw that it would be playing at the theater as part of their Universal Horror series I figured it would be the perfect time to rectify that.

It's definitely a lot more over-the-top than Frankenstein was, but it's a lot of fun. There's some great bits of comedy and some truly memorable scenes. If you've never seen it before I'd recommend giving it a try.

We belong dead!”


The Raven

An insane(ly) talented surgeon with an Edgar Allen Poe obsession becomes infatuated with a young lady and subsequently disfigures a murderer and traps some party guests in his murder mansion.

Genre: Over-the-top Old-timey Horror

This was actually a double feature with The Bride of Frankenstein. Doesn't get much better than that.

I didn't know anything about this one going into it, but damn, it's a lot of fun. It's in that weird little zone where the premise and set-up is really contrived but they're playing it straight and it results in hilarity.

I don't even know what else to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

“I can use your hate.”


Mistress of the Dark

After her boss sexually harasses her, Elvira quits her TV job. However, now she needs to come up with another way to make enough money to start her own show. Luckily a distant relative of hers dies and leaves her a house. Although, as you can imagine, the neighbors are less than pleased about this.

Genre: One-liner comedy

I had never seen any Elvira stuff before, so my friend Rusty said that should be rectified and thus we watched this.

I don't even know what say about this thing. It's fun, but kind of in amusingly bad kind of way? I don't really know how to describe it.

I can only play G-rated movies.”

Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.”



Umm...some bitey little aliens escape from alien jail? And they crash land on Earth to bite people. And then some other aliens come to catch them?

Genre: Shitty Gremlins rip-off

Wow, now that I think about it that synopsis kind of sounds a little bit like Lilo & Stitch, doesn't it? It's really nothing like Lilo & Stitch though!

This was another one Rusty said I should see. I spent most of this movie thinking that it is like a really shitty version of Gremlins. Actually...which one came first?

...Okay, Gremlins came out first! So there's no excuse there. I'd be very much surprised if Critters wasn't the result of some studio trying to get a piece of that Gremlins money. And they failed! It's not scary and it's not funny. It is, however, extremely confusing and poorly done.

So I guess what I'm getting at here is that there is no reason to watch this. Just go watch Gremlins...or Gremlins 2: The New Batch. It's up to you! Unlike this one, they're both great.

“Keep your shirt on, asshole.”

*   151.   *


A stolen diamond and illegitimate boxing matches lead to a series of interconnecting conflicts all across London's underbelly.

Genre: Fast-paced Action Comedy

Oh, Snatch. This is a movie that always reminds me of high school and watching cool action movies with my friends.

The best comparison I can make for this one is that it is very much in the same vein as Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (which came out 2 years earlier). Very stylized movies in which bumbling criminals try not to appease angry crime bosses in a series of interconnected stories that feature both great comedy and action (and have characters played by Vinnie Jones).

If you haven't seen it I highly recommend you do. Not only does it have an incredibly interesting style, but you'll also get to see Brad Pitt's greatest role. I'm not even joking. This movie is great all over, but Brad Pitt as an irreverent gypsy bare-knuckle boxer just steals the show.

“D'ya like dags?”

*   152.   *

Evil Dead II

A sequel to Evil Dead that tries to embrace the goofier side of the franchise.

Genre: Strangely comedic Horror sequel

This is just such a strange movie. The original is a horror movie, but this one leans much more towards comedy. Personally, I'm not a big fan. I love the creepiness of Evil Dead and I love the comedy of the 3rd movie (Army of Darkness), but this one tries to sit in the middle ground of the two and just ends up not being good at a number of things, but great at nothing.

“Recite the passages...dispel the evil...save my soul...and your own minds!”


Twin Dragons

Boomer, a mechanic/martial artist, and John Ma, a concert pianist, find out that they're long-lost twin brothers and hijinks ensue.

Genre: Jackie Chan Action-Comedy

I found a DVD collection of 8 Jackie Chan movies for $5 at Target and how could I say no to that? I watched quite a lot of old Jackie Chan movies as a kid after all. This is the first one on the collection and it does not disappoint.

Jackie Chan playing 2 roles in this Twins-separated-birth comedy movie, it's just as good as it sounds. Plus Jackie Chan does his own dubbing, which is kind of hilarious.

“This joke's going further than I thought...might as well go for it.

I'll fix her motor!”


Dragon Lord

I don't even know. Two best friends have a falling out and fight smugglers or something?

Genre: Ugh

This movie is so unbelievably dumb and boring. I wanted to turn it off right away, but didn't out of respect for Jackie Chan.

But seriously, don't bother with this one. Trust me. It was so bad I have yet to watch another movie on that Jackie Chan collection. It was that traumatizing.


Troll 2 

A hapless family on vacation is beset upon by evil trolls who want to turn them into plants and then eat them. It's up to a stupid kid and his dead grandpa to save the day.

Genre: So bad it's funny

Okay, everyone loves to talk about how this is the worst movie ever and I finally broke down and decided to see what all the fuss was about. And you know what? It's nowhere near as terrible as everyone claims.

I mean, yes, the whole thing is hilariously terrible and poorly executed, but saying this is the worst movie ever is like saying a 5 year-old's artwork is the worst art you've ever seen. They're a kid! Of course their art is going to suck. I mean, from what my friend told me the people who wrote this movie didn't even know English very well. All things considered they didn't do half bad.

However, if we're talking Best Bad Movie then I think you can make a very strong case for this one. The whole thing is so bizarrely entertaining. Just when you think it can't get any weirder or shot any more poorly it does.

Imagine a movie made by a nerdy immigrant teenager who has a love for practical effects, no experience in how to write/shoot a movie, and no money for professional actors or decent sets. That's pretty much what Troll 2 is like.

“They're eating her...and then they're going to eat me...

*   156.   *

Forrest Gump

The story of simple-minded man whose life intertwines with the history of America.

Genre: A drama with plenty of humor

When you stop and think about it this is a really weird movie. But then again what else would you expect from a movie with Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise, and Haley Joel Osment?

I have no clue what to say about a movie like this. Suffice it to say that I really like the humorous parts and don't really like the dramatic parts.

“Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?”

“Who I'm gonna be?”


“Aren't I going to be me?”


The Conjuring

A family is beset upon by an evil force and enlist the services of a paranormal investigation power couple to help them.

Genre: Horror

I really liked this movie. It gave me the heebie jeebies...or at least it did until Rusty's roommate came home and told us to turn it down then started making hamburgers 10ft away. Subsequently I don't really remember the ending very well.

But the 3/4ths of it I remember I thoroughly enjoyed. I really liked the characters and there's some really great scares. I also loved their description of the stages of demonic activity. The ending seemed to be getting super The Exorcisty though, which is a shame (because you can't beat The Exorcist and thus the comparison is never flattering), but other than that it was great.

“What's an inhuman spirit?”

“It's something that's never walked the Earth in human form. It's something demonic.”

*   158.   *

Hocus Pocus

A virgin accidentally (on purpose) raises a trio of witches from the dead and now it's up to him, his little sister, the girl he has a crush on, and a talking cat to save the town.

Genre: Greatest Halloween movie ever made

This movie encapsulates everything that makes Halloween great. If you've never seen it I cannot recommend it enough.

Plus this year I asked my boss at the theater if I could possibly invite a couple friends and watch it on the big screen after hours, because why not, right? The worst thing that could happen is that he'd say No. But for some reason he agreed! And it was AWESOME.

“Go to hell!”

“Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.”



A group of high school girls unknowingly decide to vacation at a haunted house.

Genre: So-bad-it's-funny Japanese horror

Like Troll 2 I've heard a lot about the bizarre train wreck that is Hausu. So when I saw it was playing at the local microcinema on Halloween I figured what better way to see it.

This movie is so impossibly strange that it's kind of wonderful. In fact if you want to talk about best bad movie I think this one definitely beats Troll 2, because this movie is incredibly memorable. You kind of have to respect something that's so bizarrely doofy that you can't forget it. I don't even want to talk about it anymore, because I don't want to spoil the surprise.

But if you're ever in the mood for a ridiculous movie to watch with your friends around Halloween then look no further.

“You're so cool, Kung Fu!”