Professionalism & Dinosaur Stamps

        There's something eerie about applying for a job you've applied for in the past. Especially when the last time you applied you never heard back from them. It's like calling out to someone in the dark. When you call out to them the first time you have a hope that they'll respond. Yet you're met with silence and so you call out again. This time a little of that hope is gone and a little more doubt takes hold. Who knows what will happen? Maybe someone will call back, maybe something will attack from the darkness, or maybe you'll just be met with silence once again.

        You might remember that I've applied to the MCAD Art Cellar&Bookstore before. It did not go over as planned. Apparently demonstrating being a fun personality and easy conversationalist isn't the right plan for a situation like this. But the position is open again and thus I am back again. This time I've scaled back my approach and made the whole thing a little more professional. However, I am not good at wearing suits and sending out boring job applications. No sir. My ties have the three stooges on them and my job applications have fancy fonts and dinosaur stamps!

Because, ladies and gentleman, that is just how I roll.

Will Work 4 Money

Yep, I'm still sending out job applications. The one featured here is for the position of a Clerk/Cashier (a position I like to call "Clashier"). This time I'll even give you a taste of the cover letter I sent with it.


“Because this position is for a Bookstore, I should mention that I am, in fact, literate. Now I know what you are thinking, ‘How can we be sure you are literate and not merely paying a relative to read this job posting to you and take your dictation for the application?’ A good question. But would a relative of mine be able to correctly spell 'Cincinnati'? I think not.”

Since this position is also for an Art Cellar, I should mention that I can, in fact, art. The envelope this letter came in will depict that I am familiar with both art materials and processes. Now I know what you are thinking, ‘How can we be sure you didn't just hire a relative to create that envelope art for you?’ Another good question. But would a relative of mine have had the forethought to hide the word 'Cincinnati' in the lower left-hand corner? I think not.”


The mere fact that I have enough free time to make things like this is proof that I need a job.

Give Me The Job!

Earlier in the year I tried to get a job as a Reference Assistant at the Minnesota History Center. I came pretty close, but ultimately didn't make the cut. However, a new reference assistant position has opened up! Thus I am making a second attempt. This time I'm going all out. Will a decorative envelope be enough to impress the people in HR? Probably not. Will that stop me from doing it anyway? Never!

Front-

Back-

Because I'm not sure what kind of postage this thing required (61¢ in case you were curious) I took it to the Post Office. However, it turns out the Post Office does not appreciate it when you mess with addresses. Here is an approximate transcript of me getting told off:

[The man at the Post Office looks at it for a couple seconds.]
Post Man: "So is this the zip code here off to the side?

Jesse: "Yep."

Post Man: "I get that you think you're being cute or whatever, but it messes with our system when you don't put the zip code in the proper place."

Jesse: "Ummm...yeah, but I put the full address on the back as well, so I thought it'd be okay."

Post Man: "Look. The zip code goes right after the city and state" [he points to the right of the city and state] "or underneath them" [he points to underneath them] "When you mess around like this the computer can't scan it right and it could end up anywhere. Okay?"

Jesse: "Uhhh, sure...I'm not too worried about it though."

Post Man: "I'm just trying to help you. I mean I'm sure you don't want your stuff to end up in Tallahassee or where ever."

Jesse: "...Uh...thanks. So how much is it?"

-End of Transcript-

Since I never make a fuss in person, preferring to silently fume about it, I'm gonna take a moment say a couple things.

1) Zip code properly placed or not, if a computer could make sense of an address this off beat I'd be throughly impressed.

2) The guy noticed the zip code's location in 2 seconds. I would imagine if the computer can't make sense of it, then a person will end up looking at it and 2 seconds later it'll be on its way.

3) Tallahassee? The History Center is like 10 miles away from that Post Office. If the United States Postal Service misses its target by 1,300 miles then they aren't anywhere near as competent as I gave them credit for. So really, Mr. Post Man, you are pointing out your own failures and not mine...dick.


Well, with any luck my envelope will get to its intended locale and not stop off for a stint in Florida's capital. With some even more luck I will get the job. Here's hoping.

Act II: The Rejection or Why Companies Need to Hire English Majors

"David,

Thank you for taking the time to apply with us. We are unable to offer you a position at this time, but we do appreciate your interest in Ergtat."


        "...does any thing from this company not scream corporate stooge? 'Unable' isn't really true, they probably meant 'unwilling'.... the euphemism just makes it sound like a break up letter though. It's not you...it's me. I cannot conceive why they thought hearkening to people's break-ups would be nicer than just saying it outright. An email breakup too...that's harsh.
        "They aren't even using the word 'with' correctly! Children can use 'with' correctly. But at least they appreciate my interest...barf."

Job Interviews Are Silly

“So, David, why are you do you want to work for Ergtat?”
“You do pay your employees, right?”
“Well of course we do.”
“Then that's pretty much my main reason.”
“...”
“I mean, I doubt many children grow up with the dream of working an entry level position in a retail store.”
“...Alright. Let's move on to the next question. Where do you see yourself in 3 years?”
“Hmmm. Well probably with a full-time job and a lot less student loan money to pay off.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. I meant as an employee here.”
“Umm...probably in a fit of depression that I'd been stuck as a part-time cashier at an Ergtat for the past 3 years.”
“I see. Well then, tell me, if you were confronted with a situation where you weren't sure what to do, what would you do?”
“I suppose I'd ask someone for help.”
“Because there'll be someone else to interview you after me, I should tell you that we're looking for a specific instance.”
“Really? Because your question wasn't asking that at all.”
“I'm just telling you for your own benefit.”
“So am I.”
“...”
“Well I'm assuming the question you apparently wanted to ask was 'Could you tell me about a time you didn't know what to do and what you did in that situation' . In which case, there was a time at my last job where I had forgotten how to properly perform a certain procedure so I asked my co-worker for help.”
“...”
“And they did.”
“What would your last boss have said they liked about you?'
“Probably that I knew what I was supposed to do and did it well. If I made a mistake I'd own up to it and I'd always go the extra mile.”
“What would they have said they didn't like about you?”
“Well since you asked for his number on the application I filled out, I'm surprised you didn't just call him up and ask him. I'm really not sure what he'd say, he never said anything negative about my performance to my face so I'm not sure.”
“We here at Ergtat call our employees “Team members”, because we feel it helps them know that we're all working together-”
“Ha”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh...I'm sorry. It's just that that is such a corporate idea. You know? That you can change people's perceptions by changing a name? Like how companies use the term “Let go” instead of “Fire”. Or how Bush called the Iraq War a 'War on Terror' which Obama then changed to 'Overseas Contingency Operations'.”
“...”
“It seems like a tactic you'd use on a child.”
“...Well I think I've asked you everything I need to. Do you have any questions for me?”
“It's kind of random, but I was curious if you have any interesting stories you might have about these kind of interviews. Working this close with people I'm sure you get a lot of first hand experience with the strangeness of society.”
“In some ways, but the answers are based on people's life experiences, so they're all different. I suppose people know that it wouldn't be in their best interest to say anything too extravagant so I can't say I've ever gotten anything too strange.”
“That's what I've never understood about job interviews”
“What's that?”
“Just that the whole process is set up in such a way to get people to lie to you.”
“...”
“So businesses are all staffed based on who is the best spin-doctor.”
“...”
“I didn't get the job, did I?”