Monday, July 27, 2009

Job Interviews Are Silly

“So, David, why are you do you want to work for Ergtat?”
“You do pay your employees, right?”
“Well of course we do.”
“Then that's pretty much my main reason.”
“I mean, I doubt many children grow up with the dream of working an entry level position in a retail store.”
“...Alright. Let's move on to the next question. Where do you see yourself in 3 years?”
“Hmmm. Well probably with a full-time job and a lot less student loan money to pay off.”
“Oh, I'm sorry. I meant as an employee here.”
“Umm...probably in a fit of depression that I'd been stuck as a part-time cashier at an Ergtat for the past 3 years.”
“I see. Well then, tell me, if you were confronted with a situation where you weren't sure what to do, what would you do?”
“I suppose I'd ask someone for help.”
“Because there'll be someone else to interview you after me, I should tell you that we're looking for a specific instance.”
“Really? Because your question wasn't asking that at all.”
“I'm just telling you for your own benefit.”
“So am I.”
“Well I'm assuming the question you apparently wanted to ask was 'Could you tell me about a time you didn't know what to do and what you did in that situation' . In which case, there was a time at my last job where I had forgotten how to properly perform a certain procedure so I asked my co-worker for help.”
“And they did.”
“What would your last boss have said they liked about you?'
“Probably that I knew what I was supposed to do and did it well. If I made a mistake I'd own up to it and I'd always go the extra mile.”
“What would they have said they didn't like about you?”
“Well since you asked for his number on the application I filled out, I'm surprised you didn't just call him up and ask him. I'm really not sure what he'd say, he never said anything negative about my performance to my face so I'm not sure.”
“We here at Ergtat call our employees “Team members”, because we feel it helps them know that we're all working together-”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh...I'm sorry. It's just that that is such a corporate idea. You know? That you can change people's perceptions by changing a name? Like how companies use the term “Let go” instead of “Fire”. Or how Bush called the Iraq War a 'War on Terror' which Obama then changed to 'Overseas Contingency Operations'.”
“It seems like a tactic you'd use on a child.”
“...Well I think I've asked you everything I need to. Do you have any questions for me?”
“It's kind of random, but I was curious if you have any interesting stories you might have about these kind of interviews. Working this close with people I'm sure you get a lot of first hand experience with the strangeness of society.”
“In some ways, but the answers are based on people's life experiences, so they're all different. I suppose people know that it wouldn't be in their best interest to say anything too extravagant so I can't say I've ever gotten anything too strange.”
“That's what I've never understood about job interviews”
“What's that?”
“Just that the whole process is set up in such a way to get people to lie to you.”
“So businesses are all staffed based on who is the best spin-doctor.”
“I didn't get the job, did I?”


  1. Please tell me this is a transcript of an actual Target interview you went on recently.


  2. Sadly I really want a job, so I held my tongue for the most part. However, I sometimes I just can't help myself.