Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Rose Knows
There once was a rose
that grew a big nose.
I can smell!”
in its head,
but then started to think
“I don't smell...I stink!”
Winter's Golden Trap
It's snowing in my house today,
it's snowing on the drapes.
It's blocked all the doors today,
I don't know how I will escape.
I'm running out of food today,
but what really make me bellow
Is that it's not snowing white today,
instead it's snowing yellow.
What's In a Name
Beatrice was conceived in a grocery store,
afterwards Reggie fell asleep and started to snore, so
Alice snuck out through the store's back door,
Ned was her husband but was a total bore.
Denise was a miner who loved to mine for ore
and Olivia wasn't human, just a sentient fungal spore.
Nathan was rather foreign and had only come ashore
when Kevin stole his wife from him cause Kevin is a whore.
Orlando was so fat he fell right through the floor;
Reginald lived underneath and wasn't heard from anymore.
Larry was an alias for a Norse god of yore,
Ingrid was afraid of him because she thought he might be Thor
and Nobody is a no-one who you can just ignore.
There was a little newt
who wanted to play the flute.
He bought one on sale
and then forever got tail,
'cause a newt with a flute is so cute.
Oh, dear cousin Carrie,
I hope that you aren't dead.
It would be so very scary
if I learned you'd lost your head.
If you were ever drowned
or were killed by wild birds,
my grief would be profound,
I'd be at a loss for words.
Oh, if you fell down the stairs
I don't know what I would do,
so I guess I'll say some prayers
in the hope that God will spare you.
God protect my cousin
and protect her organ's functionality.
She's not a dime a dozen
and she means a lot to me.
had no one to call her own
and yet she spoke so gaily
unlike the others that were alone.
“Oh, Kailey what's your secret?”
asked the other lonesome strings.
“How can you maintain your artsy wit
when you've got no one to make you sing?”
“Well, it's really rather easy.
I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yourself.
Although some would call it sleazy,
I simply play myself.
You just use one hand to finger
and the other hand to pluck,
then in no time your gasps will linger
as each and every note is struck.”
And the lesson that we learn from the allegory
of the self-reliant lute
is that you don't need to feel sorry
if you don't have some hirsute brute.
To be happy you don't need help from the population,
one only needs oneself
because when you're in the mood for a good vibration
you can always play yourself.
I am a friendly tapeworm.
I live inside your gut
and when I reproduce
my eggs come out your butt.
Oh, I am a simple tapeworm,
I like to eat your food,
but I never ask for permission
because, I'll admit, I'm rather rude.
Yes, I am a loving tapeworm
and you'll never be rid of me.
I squirm inside your belly
so won't you be my bestie?
I'm sitting at the hospital
and I think it's all quite clear:
these nurses are not human,
inside they're all just gears.
I never see them eat or sleep,
their work just doesn't stop.
Surely any normal mortal
would be caused to drop.
But it doesn't matter if they're metal,
I think we can agree
that we're just awfully glad they're here
to help take care of ME.
Number Two Blues
In front of the loo there seems to be a massive queue.
I really need to number two and I'm not sure what I should do.
“Sirs,” said I, “would it be fine, if I just skipped this line?
You see, no one's needs compare with mine, my fecal problems just aren't benign.
If I don't get in there you will have to view it when my colon starts to spew it
and my pants, this hall, your favorite shoes, are all covered in organic waste fondue.
What's that? You all say the answer's yes?
My full gratitude I cannot express!
Wow...that's really quite the mess.”
I've found I have a stalker
and now I don't feel secure.
I always wonder if he's watching,
of what to do I'm just not sure.
He gets up really early,
probably right at the crack of dawn,
because every morning when I wake up
I see him spreading out upon my lawn.
In the morning he peeps in front,
later on he peeps in back.
I'm never really rid of him
until the sky turns black.
It's only in the nighttime
that he ever takes a break,
but never fail he will return
long before I ever wake.
I guess I'll have to live with it,
there's nothing that can be done.
There's just no escaping it
when your stalker is the sun.
Did you hear 'bout Maxwell?
That fearsome boy-man wizard,
he screwed up a simple spell
and now he is a lizard.
And oh that little lizard
was trying to clean his scales
when he was mistaken for a prostitute
and now he lives in jail.
So if there is a moral
to this sordid little tale,
it's that if you mess with magic
it'd be better not to fail.
Ice Cream Murderer
I decided that for dessert
I would have a bowl of ice cream,
but when I tried to scoop it
it let out a fearsome scream.
From its wound there started leaking
a goo that was colored red.
...I think it's only strawberry,
but I'm sure my dessert is dead.
I probably should just leave it,
but I think I'll still have a taste.
I mean...it's not getting any deader
and I don't want it to go to waste.
Love Note From a Pickpocket
My Dear Miss
I was the one that stole your purse,
but now I think that I'm in love.
I know that sounds real stupid
Friday, April 22, 2011
Zombies love to eat brains.
The craving drives them insane.
But if you only eat one food group
then you just never will poop.
Zombies don't eat nearly enough grains.
Oh, this is a simple story
of a man named Howard Quinn.
He worked at the local quarry
until he turned to gin.
He went to work intoxicated
and caused a fearsome rockslide.
His brain then got inrocksicated
and then, of course, he died.
Oh Beckett, oh Castle,
you are both just so dense.
Would it be too much hassle
to end all the suspense?
Oh, it would be so fulfilling
if you'd show us what we're missing.
We've seen enough killing,
now we want to see some kissing.
“Crimson and Clover”
“Rubber & Glue”
“I Hate Myself
For Loving You”
“Love Like Mine”
“Victim of Circumstance”
“(I'm Gonna) Run Away”
“Just Like in the Movies”
“I Love You Love Me
“Right in the Middle”
“Love is Pain”
“Cherry Bomb” “Shout”
“You Want in,
I Want Out”
“Insecure” “Little Liar”
“Don't Abuse Me”
“Tossin' & Turnin'”
“Eye to Eye”
“The Only Good Thing
You Ever Said Was Goodbye.”
Suck It, Apes!
They say that I'm related to an ape
and maybe that's a fact.
But how about we take a look
at our evolutionary tracts.
Hmmm...it's quite apparent
that our genetic paths have crossed,
but it's also very obvious
that one of us Dar-Won
and the other one Dar-Lost.
Bill had never seen a Sax
and thus used it to chop wood.
He was thinking of an axe,
so the sax didn't do much good.
Bernice had never seen a sax
and tried to melt it on a letter.
She was thinking of sealing wax
and here the sax didn't do much better.
Brian was the one to whom the sax belongs
and when he saw it he lamented.
You see a sax us used for playing songs,
but now his was burned and dented.
Dogs Can't Do Much
Dogs cannot play violin.
They cannot read or write.
They cannot say "You're looking thin"
or have a pillow fight.
Dogs cannot bake you a cake
or eat anything made of chocolate.
They cannot grill a juicy steak
or grab a guitar and rock it.
Dogs cannot wash your clothes.
They cannot tell you any jokes.
They cannot shovel when it snows
or set you up with handsome blokes.
For all the things they cannot do,
dogs really are quite lame.
But for all the things they can do,
I love mine all the same.
You Wouldn't Believe The Dream I Had
I was late to school
and thus was walking with great haste,
when suddenly I noticed
that I was being chased.
To get away I started flying
and soon forgot all of my woes,
until I suddenly realized
that I wasn't wearing any clothes.
Just then I started to plummet
and fell right into class,
yet no one seemed to notice
that I was showing my bare ass.
Turns out there was a test that day
that I didn't study for,
but that really didn't matter
when my teeth started falling on the floor.
I asked the school nurse for help,
because I was freaking out,
but instead we started smooching
until I noticed my bladder leaking out.
Some say that dreams are links
to you subconscious brain
and if that's really true
then maybe I'm insane.
I am a skilled assassin,
I've removed a lot of heads.
I don't need to check for pulses,
'cause I know that they are dead.
I am the unseen assassin
and I practice the art of stealth.
You'll never see me coming
until I've imposed upon your health.
I am the ghostly assassin
and I play with people's fates.
There's just nothing you can do
once I've slipped inside your gates.
I am the best assassin
and it's time to say all your goodbyes,
because you only have a moment
until the life drains from your eyes.
Assault With a Wheeled Weapon
A lady came up to Max
and said “Hey, I like your coker.”
Max said “You've seen too much”
and then he tried to choke her.
A man came up to Max
and asked “Did you get a nice new hub?”
Max said “You'll never know”
and then beat him with a club.
A kid came up to Max
and said “Wow, what fancy spokes!”
Max said “You'll regret that”
and slapped the child's folks.
I asked “Hey Max, why do you attack
anyone who gives your unicycle praise?”
He said “It's nothing personal,
it's just the unipeople's way.”
Oh snooze alarm,
you do me harm.
I always take the bait
then wake up late
because I can't resist your charm.
Have you heard of Mr. French?
The one who's always yelling?
He says he'll dig a great big trench
and then use it for his dwelling.
Have you smelt of Mr. French?
I hear he never showers.
Yet they say he was a stench
that smells a lot like flowers.
Have you seen Mr. French?
He's always wearing plaids.
He carries round a monkey wrench
and a sack of old brake pads.
Have you felt up Mr. French?
That guy who always hustles?
I hear he makes his cheeks clench
to work out his fine butt muscles.
Have you tasted Mr. French?
You can do it while he's sleeping.
He naps under a park bench
and it's totally worth the creeping.
Greetings class and welcome
to Hobology 101.
I will be your professor
so you're sure to learn a ton.
Hobology is important,
especially in this economy,
but it won't get you a job
because it's a field of autonomy.
Now if you'll take our your syllabus
you'll see the things we're going to learn
and after we've scanned them over
I'll take any question or concerns.
In this class we learn the basics
like how to effectively panhandle.
Then we'll advance to thieving techniques
such as the "Plan and Scandal".
The science of begging and stealing
are the pillars of this field
and you'll never have to fear your future
when you have these skills to wield.
Later, if you choose to continue on
to Hobology 102,
you'll learn how to live without a home
and where to find free shoes.
Toilet Paper Life
Life's a lot like toilet paper:
Sometimes it's soft and pretty,
sometimes it's thin and gritty,
and sometimes it's just shitty.
Life's a lot like toilet paper:
You don't think about it when it's present
and when it's running out
you always wonder where it went.
Life's a lot like toilet paper:
No matter how much you moan
your kids will always shorten yours
until they finally have to get their own.
Life's a lot like toilet paper:
When you have it it's a blessing,
but when it runs out
it's quite depressing.
Just outside the bagel shop
and beside a busy street,
there is some ice that makes you drop;
some ice that steals your feet.
By that ice there sits an empty shoe
and next to that a startled dame.
With glasses gone, and hair askew
and probably with a butt that was aflame.
She only wanted to enjoy a cup of joe
and to sip it standing upright,
but in her haste she didn't take it slow
and thus was given quite the fright.
Oh, that poor lass,
whose balance did desert her,
she fell upon her ass
when gravity did then invert her.
It seems that life prefers you meek
and sometimes you must resign
to accept to feeling pique.
All you can do is just be thankful
that at the very least
your coffee turned out fine.