Friday, April 22, 2011

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 1

Undead Stool

Zombies love to eat brains.
The craving drives them insane.
But if you only eat one food group
then you just never will poop.
Zombies don't eat nearly enough grains.

Howard Quinn

Oh, this is a simple story
of a man named Howard Quinn.
He worked at the local quarry
until he turned to gin.

He went to work intoxicated
and caused a fearsome rockslide.
His brain then got inrocksicated
and then, of course, he died.


Oh Beckett, oh Castle,
you are both just so dense.
Would it be too much hassle
to end all the suspense?

Oh, it would be so fulfilling
if you'd show us what we're missing.
We've seen enough killing,
now we want to see some kissing.

Gotta Jett

Crimson and Clover
Rubber & Glue
I Hate Myself
For Loving You

Had Enough
Love Like Mine

Victim of Circumstance
(I'm Gonna) Run Away
Just Like in the Movies
Roadrunner Someday

I Love You Love Me
Love Riddles
Fake Friends
Right in the Middle

Love is Pain
Cherry Bomb Shout
You Want in,
I Want Out

Insecure Little Liar
Everyday People
Don't Abuse Me

Tossin' & Turnin'
Eye to Eye
The Only Good Thing
You Ever Said Was Goodbye.

Suck It, Apes!

They say that I'm related to an ape
and maybe that's a fact.
But how about we take a look
at our evolutionary tracts.'s quite apparent
that our genetic paths have crossed,
but it's also very obvious
that one of us Dar-Won
and the other one Dar-Lost.

Sax Education

Bill had never seen a Sax
and thus used it to chop wood.
He was thinking of an axe,
so the sax didn't do much good.

Bernice had never seen a sax
and tried to melt it on a letter.
She was thinking of sealing wax
and here the sax didn't do much better.

Brian was the one to whom the sax belongs
and when he saw it he lamented.
You see a sax us used for playing songs,
but now his was burned and dented.

Dogs Can't Do Much

Dogs cannot play violin.
They cannot read or write.
They cannot say "You're looking thin"
or have a pillow fight.

Dogs cannot bake you a cake
or eat anything made of chocolate.
They cannot grill a juicy steak
or grab a guitar and rock it.

Dogs cannot wash your clothes.
They cannot tell you any jokes.
They cannot shovel when it snows
or set you up with handsome blokes.

For all the things they cannot do,
dogs really are quite lame.
But for all the things they can do,
I love mine all the same.

You Wouldn't Believe The Dream I Had

I was late to school
and thus was walking with great haste,
when suddenly I noticed
that I was being chased.

To get away I started flying
and soon forgot all of my woes,
until I suddenly realized
that I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Just then I started to plummet
and fell right into class,
yet no one seemed to notice
that I was showing my bare ass.

Turns out there was a test that day
that I didn't study for,
but that really didn't matter
when my teeth started falling on the floor.

I asked the school nurse for help,
because I was freaking out,
but instead we started smooching
until I noticed my bladder leaking out.

Some say that dreams are links
to you subconscious brain
and if that's really true
then maybe I'm insane.

The Assassin

I am a skilled assassin,
I've removed a lot of heads.
I don't need to check for pulses,
'cause I know that they are dead.

I am the unseen assassin
and I practice the art of stealth.
You'll never see me coming
until I've imposed upon your health.

I am the ghostly assassin
and I play with people's fates.
There's just nothing you can do
once I've slipped inside your gates.

I am the best assassin
and it's time to say all your goodbyes,
because you only have a moment
until the life drains from your eyes.

Assault With a Wheeled Weapon

A lady came up to Max
and said Hey, I like your coker.

Max said You've seen too much
and then he tried to choke her.

A man came up to Max
and asked Did you get a nice new hub?

Max said You'll never know
and then beat him with a club.

A kid came up to Max
and said Wow, what fancy spokes!

Max said You'll regret that
and slapped the child's folks.

I asked Hey Max, why do you attack
anyone who gives your unicycle praise?

He said It's nothing personal,
it's just the unipeople's way.


Oh snooze alarm,
you do me harm.
I always take the bait
then wake up late
because I can't resist your charm.

Mr. French

Have you heard of Mr. French?
The one who's always yelling?
He says he'll dig a great big trench
and then use it for his dwelling.

Have you smelt of Mr. French?
I hear he never showers.
Yet they say he was a stench
that smells a lot like flowers.

Have you seen Mr. French?
He's always wearing plaids.
He carries round a monkey wrench
and a sack of old brake pads.

Have you felt up Mr. French?
That guy who always hustles?
I hear he makes his cheeks clench
to work out his fine butt muscles.

Have you tasted Mr. French?
You can do it while he's sleeping.
He naps under a park bench
and it's totally worth the creeping.

Hobology 101

Greetings class and welcome
to Hobology 101.
I will be your professor
so you're sure to learn a ton.

Hobology is important,
especially in this economy,
but it won't get you a job
because it's a field of autonomy.

Now if you'll take our your syllabus
you'll see the things we're going to learn
and after we've scanned them over
I'll take any question or concerns.

In this class we learn the basics
like how to effectively panhandle.
Then we'll advance to thieving techniques
such as the "Plan and Scandal".

The science of begging and stealing
are the pillars of this field
and you'll never have to fear your future
when you have these skills to wield.

Later, if you choose to continue on
to Hobology 102,
you'll learn how to live without a home
and where to find free shoes.

Toilet Paper Life

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
Sometimes it's soft and pretty,
sometimes it's thin and gritty,
and sometimes it's just shitty.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
You don't think about it when it's present
and when it's running out
you always wonder where it went.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
No matter how much you moan
your kids will always shorten yours
until they finally have to get their own.

Life's a lot like toilet paper:
When you have it it's a blessing,
but when it runs out
it's quite depressing.

Not Again

Just outside the bagel shop
and beside a busy street,
there is some ice that makes you drop;
some ice that steals your feet.

By that ice there sits an empty shoe
and next to that a startled dame.
With glasses gone, and hair askew
and probably with a butt that was aflame.

She only wanted to enjoy a cup of joe
and to sip it standing upright,
but in her haste she didn't take it slow
and thus was given quite the fright.

Oh, that poor lass,
whose balance did desert her,
she fell upon her ass
when gravity did then invert her.

It seems that life prefers you meek
and sometimes you must resign
to accept to feeling pique.
All you can do is just be thankful
that at the very least
your coffee turned out fine.

No comments:

Post a Comment