Your Little Teacup

Once upon a time
In a land far away
Lived your silly little teacup
who had gone astray.


“Tea is for saps,”
He said with a scoff
As he turned his back on your home
and then headed on off.


He wandered for days
Until he reached a strange new land,
That was coarse and was hot
And was covered in sand.


He got lost in its depths
As the heat made him itchy and dry.
While the chill of the nights
Made him just want to cry.


Day after day 
the rough sands wore him right down.
He looked back on his life
And he gave a little frown.


“You know,” he conceded,
“I don't miss the tea,
But I must admit that...

I've rather missed you.”


Then he cracked,

        and he croaked,

                and he fell into two.

The Fresh Prince of the Antarctic

Now this is a story all about,

How my coworkers all got flip-turned inside out.

And I’d like to take a minute,

as the star of the flick,

I’ll tell you how an alien crashed my party in the Antarctic.

In West Antarctica, bored and glazed.

A helicopter was where I spent most of my days.

Chessin’ up maxin’ puttin’ whiskey in my face

Until we had to shoot those Norwegians outside of the base.

We flew up to their crib saw something was amiss,

An alien was making trouble we just couldn’t dismiss.

The dogs got in one little fight and we all got scared.

We said, “That thing’s not natural, we’d all best beware!”

We had to be careful cause if it came near

It could copy our flesh

And look like us in the mirror.

If anything I could say that this thing was rare

But I thought, “Nah, let’s kill it!”

…Yo what happened to Blair!?

We-pulled-up to find our rides in dismantled state,

So with nowhere to run, I yelled to my homies,

“Yo, let's blow this place into a crater!”

I looked at the ruins and felt a nip in the air.

I might freeze to death,

but (hopefully) that damn alien just couldn't compare.


Now I'll sit right here and remind y'all not to be too greedy.

So, sayin' a prayer, signin' off, this is pilot R.J. MacReady.

Holiday Haikus: Gifts, Hope, and Snowmen

Up on the rooftop,
The deer are leaving presents.
...You’ll need a shovel.



Naughty or Nice, Nick?
Who are you to judge us all!?
Sic Semper Nympha!



A package for you.
But please don't unwrap it yet.
Not until we're done.



Roasting chestnuts, eh?
Do people really do that?
Are they out of brats?



All I need is you.
But I still want some presents.
...I'm only human.



Mom kissing Santa?
All the good men are taken.
It’s official now.



Christmas time again.
Time to be with family.
…Best of luck with that.



Snowmen are sexy.
Who doesn't love well-built men
that leave you all wet?



Gift certificates
Fulfill social requirements
And that's about it.



All I want this year.
Is for you to be happy.
With or without me.



Knows when I’m sleeping?
Is he watching us right now?
Did he bug the house?



Elves on our rooftops!
Breaking into all our homes!
Stop leaving food out!



Mistletoe or no
We should probably make out.
Right now...later too...

Dead Cat (i'm not sorry)

Dead Cat (i'm not sorry)

 

I don’t know how to tell you this
But your cat is rather dead.
I’m guessing that it happened
when my tire went through its head.

I’m sorry you’re upset,
But I’m not the one to blame.
You should’ve been a better owner
And you should be ashamed.

Now before you raise your fists
And make me sue you for assault,
Maybe you should stop and think
About how this is all your fault.

------------

I’m sorry that I’m not sorry,
but your cat was seriously depressed.
Very much unhappy and probably feeling rather stressed.

Maybe if you were a better person
You wouldn’t have to now sit and say goodbye
To that fatty little tabby with such an urge to die.

----------

I’m sure you’ll miss that kitty.
I’m sure you’ll miss its fur.
I’m sure you’ll miss the fun you had
And miss its little purr.

I’m sure that you tried your best
to love that little beast.
Although if you had tried a little harder
Your cat wouldn’t be deceased.

Now before you try giving me the boot,
I’ll just take a moment to say that I think you’re awfully cute.

So if you want to turn this pussy loss into a pussy win
I’ll just leave you with my number
In case you decide you’d like to take mine for a spin.

------------

I’m sorry that I’m not sorry,
but your cat was seriously depressed
Very much unhappy and probably feeling rather stressed.

Maybe if you were a better person
You wouldn’t have to now sit and say goodbye
To that fatty little tabby with such an urge to die.

Nighttime Poetry

Embers' Light

Here we whisper through the night,

faces hid by screens alight.

 

The enemies are time and space

when all you want a voice, a face;

The form behind the written words

that fly these thoughts like wings of birds.

Yet here we sit 'round embers' heat,

because light is light and its warmth

still sweet.

An Empty Spot by Your Side

A man lies in bed

in the middle of the night,

Windows open wide

and sheets drawn tight.

 

His bed is littered

with things that he owns,

As he tries to forget

that he’s all alone.

When she drifts in,

that cool spring breeze,

Running her fingers down his spine

and the backs of his knees.

 

“Sleeping once again

adrift and alone?”

Asks the voice of the breeze

through the creaks of the home.

“All the stories on your shelves

and your house full of things,

can't save you from a night by yourself

on that old box spring?”

 

She laughed when said this

Which raised the bumps on his skin

 and he wrapped his blankets tighter,

tried to keep out chagrin.

She ran her fingers gently

through his hair as she spoke,

“Would anyone even notice

If you never woke?”

“and if they did,

Would they care?”

Cooed the breeze on the bed

Over the sound of his prayers,

That wished for nothing more

than for a warm hand to hold:

To comfort and console

And to stave of the cold.

But only the ice in her words

Filled the empty spot by his side,

though he tried to tune it out,

though he tried not to cry.

Yet still she came every night

to make sure the thought was sewn,

That he was alone.

So alone

in his big dark home.

A Smattering of Poems

Once again I've come to deposit some of the poems I've posted on Facebook here in the vault. I've been experimenting with style and form a little bit. Trying new things and all that jazz.

The Cashier's Prayer

Now I clock right in to work,

And pray the Lord to spare the jerks.

But if I lose it before I'm through,

I pray the Lord will at least spare you.

Damp Lullabies

The bath is warm and inviting.

It holds me close and gently whispers

Sloshing lullabies.

Who could resist such comfort and wealth of being?

If I were to leave now

I would leave,

albeit sadly,

With the warmth of sweet memories

As my bedfellows.

But if I were,

Instead,

to give in and fully embrace my situation,

to let my consciousness drift off into the waves.

Then I’ll be forced to bear witness to

The End.

To awaken to a world of dark absence.

To wake up

Cold

and wet

and alone.

Left to stumble out,

Waterlogged and deprived of warmth,

and attempt a proper sleep

while the back of my mind loudly dreads

What it’ll wake up to this time.

So, perhaps,

for once,

I’ll indulge in non-indulgence.

I’m starting to get pruney, anyhow.

Faceplant Romance

You’ve tripped me up.

You’ve knocked me down.

I can’t trust myself when you’re around.

I’m falling for you,

How ‘bout you fall for me?

Who cares if our friends might disagree.

Let’s fall in bed,

Let’s fall in love,

Let’s feel the heat

‘til we get a shove.

Let’s fall apart as we hit the street

And spill our asses onto concrete.

Road rashes and bruises

All our own,

To remind us that we don’t have to be alone.

Two left feet,

May I have this dance?

Let’s two-step to a faceplant romance.

I’ve already fallen

and can’t stop the descent,

But if you join me we can circumvent;

You fall for me and I’ll fall for you,

We’ll orbit each other like Pluto’s moon.

And then in time

when our world’s collide

We’ll just feel relief for leaving nothing untried.

So let’s fall in bed,

Let’s fall in love,

Let’s feel the heat

‘til we get that shove.

Let’s fall apart as we hit the street

And spill our asses onto concrete.

Road rashes and bruises

All our own,

Reminding us that we weren’t always alone.

More Poetry

Tailwind

I wish I could control the wind,

for I would calm the seas

And we could go forth boldly,

together: you and me.

I wish that I could help you.

I wish that I could fill your sails.

I wish you didn't have to struggle.

I wish that I could ease your ails.

But though I wish

I know I can't.

I can't control the waves

and I cannot bend the winds.

I cannot change your fate

or save you from chagrin.

But I can sit beside you

and I can hold your hand.

And we can be lost together

as we drift towards unknown lands.

Poetical Shorts

I've been posting a fair number of poems on Facebook recently, so I figured I'd collect some of the shorter ones and post them here for posterity's sake.

Afraid of Everything

I'm afraid of failure

and I also fear of success.

I'm afraid to be too happy,

but I'm afraid to be depressed.

I'm afraid that I'm no good

and I'm afraid that I'm an ass.

I'm afraid of beauty

because I'm afraid that I'm too crass.

I'm afraid of all these things,

and I'm afraid it's true,

that I'm afraid of me

and I'm even more afraid of you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Staff Selection*

Cider! Cider! amber bright,

Set aglow by fridge's light;

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy scrumptious symmetry?

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looping

I'm never going to learn my lesson,

I'm never going to see the end.

I'm just gonna make the same mistakes

again and again

and again

and again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So

So you're lovely.

So you're smart.

So you smell nice

and make art.

So you're messy.

So you snore.

So you can't cook

and slam the door.

So you're caring

and well-read.

So you're soft

and great in bed.

So you get sad

and never say.

So you're awkward

and lose your way.

So your laugh

and so your voice.

So your eyes

make me rejoice.

So you're perfect.

So you're not.

And so I love you

quite a lot.

*Very clearly parodying William Blake's brilliant poem The Tyger here.

Countdown to the End

Back in September my aunt was laid off from the job she's had  for quite some time. For some reason or another during her last days there she sent me the following text:

"hey! request: I need count down numbers from 10 through 1 for my last 2 weeks of work. starting Monday. Would you do this for me? quirky, fun, illustrations, whimsical, silly or whatever...a mixture of all and anything"

I've been pretty busy working 3 jobs and I don't have a lot of free time, but seeing as how she was losing the job she's had for so long, I couldn't really say no.

After bouncing around some ideas I kind of landed on a rather odd line: "as Death said Ten." I played around with the idea a bit until it led me to the final concept: each number would have a little rhyme ending in Death counting down, and the illustration of the rhyme would depict the shape of the number. I wasn't really sure I should take such a morbid view, but I figured while the character of Death might be a bit depressing, at least true to the moment. Things were ending, changing, and nothing depicts change and endings quite like Death.

I'm really not sure why, but I somehow managed to take a rather basic task and making it so much more complicated by adding a writing element, a design element, and an illustrative element...sometimes I think I must really hate myself, because why else would I do these things to myself?

Regardless, here's the countdown:

It was at this point that my aunt mentioned that they had let her leave a couple days early and thus what I was doing was no longer a countdown. And since it was no longer a countdown I immediately lost the fuel of urgency that had propelled me to make the rest. Before I might have wanted to read a book or watch a show, but I instead used my time to make these because they felt like they mattered. No to mention that there's nothing like a time limit to force you to push something out. But once I lost that aspect, then instead of completing them for my aunt, I would just be completing them for the novelty of a complete set. And, sadly, it probably says something about my character that I quit the project. But those are the breaks. I really don't have much free time these days and I generally need to use what time I do have to prevent myself from going crazy.

I am disappointed to leave it uncompleted, but without that original drive the ending notes just wouldn't be fitting.

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 3

-Warning: There is some naughty language going on in some of these poems.-

-...there's actually quite a lot of naughty language...-

-...and some drug references...-

-...in fact I'm gonna lose my poetic license over this...-

-...so consider yourself warned.-


One Wish

If I had one wish
I'd wish for a unicorn.
One with a silvery coat
and a wondrous unihorn.

I'd ride it everywhere I went
and feed it only syrup.
I'd look so very dashing
when my feet were in the stirrups.

Everyday when I got up
I'd brush its handsome mane,
Then I'd eat some breakfast
and do some more cocaine.



Mister Sunflower

Oh look, there he is,
the infamous Mr. Sunflower.
He never laughs or smiles,
he just frowns and stares and glowers.

You'd swear he had no emotion;
his face is just so dour.
And his personality is so dry
he'd be more aptly called a "flour".

All the kids are scared of him,
when he's around they cower.
I guess when you get right down to it
for a bright and yellow sunflower
he's sure not a very fun flower.



School Nurse

Oh, who is the one at school
who loves to fight and curse?
Why who else could it be
but our foul mouthed school nurse.

She likes to hit, she likes to spit,
she loves to start up fights,
and if you ask her not to
she'll just punch right out your lights.

I tried to tell me parents,
but they just laughed as if I were joking
and said, "You can only be so mad
at the one who prevents all you kids from croaking.



Chromatic Perception

There was a girl
who loved to twirl
and who could see what others can't;
she could see emotions
as colored oceans
of a streaming beauty that would enchant.

The feeling dread
was colored red.
The feeling joy light blue.
Lust was a sheen
of minty green,
but love was a pinkish hue.

So when she spun
the colors would run
into a cacophony of pigmentation.
And when she felt unsure,
she could still see the allure
of a world with such colorful sensations.



Catfight

How dare you call me a bitch
you slutty little cunt!
The only men you've ever got
were the ones who knew you love to grunt.

You goddamned dirty tramp,
you pretentious little cocksucker!
You think you could steal my man
with your nasty Bangkok pucker?

You wanna start something you piece of shit?
I'll stab you right in your dirty cooch!
He's my man and he would never submit
to fuck some skanky pooch,

What do you mean 'your man',
you cankerous crabbed up whore?
I'll tell you right now that my pussy
is the only one that man adores.

You must got semen in your brain
from all your back alley boning.
Just yesterday he and I spent the night
doing some really kinky moaning.

Wait a sec, are you for real?
That cheating motherfucker!
You sayin' he slept with me last afternoon
then left to get his cock another sucker?

What? Last afternoon?
That shit stained pencil prick!
He told me he had gone to church,
that dishonest douchebag dick!

Fuck, that motherfucker had best watch out
'cause I'm gonna rip off his goddamn penile erection
then shove it so far up his ass
it'll be like getting fucked by intravenous injection.

Not before I slice open
his sack of furry balls
then shove 'em right up his cock
like they were supposed to be urethral.

Hey girl, you know, I'm really sorry,
I know mom raised use to be sisters
and we really shouldn't have been fighting
over some worthless fucking mister.

Yeah, I'm sorry too
'bout all those things we said.
How about we go see him together
and make that man-whore dead?

Haha, you know I love you, right?
Even though you one crazy bitch.

Yeah, I know, and I love you too,
though you a skanky warty witch.



Dogs Can't Talk

I'm very glad my dog can't talk,
I don't think he'd have much to say
and I'd rather not have to listen
to how he spent his day.

Every day a boring story
about how he licked his balls
or another awful anecdote
about every squirrel he saw.

I can do without that irritation
and prefer these normal barks of his
because overall I'm quite content
with my dog just as he is.



An Eclectic Figure

Has anyone ever told you
that you look a little strange?
Not because of the clothes you wear,
but because of how you were arranged.

I mean you've got temples on your face
and a bridge right on your nose.
A crown upon your head
and an arch right by your toes.

And I have to wonder what they study,
those pupils in your eyes,
though it must be horticulture
for their irises should win a prize.

There are nails in your hands and feet
and hammers in your ears.
There's a set of cheeks upon your face
and another set upon your rear.

Instead of just a set of 2 arms,
like any normal person should,
you've got another set of 4 arms
and all those arms just can't be good.

There's a button in your belly,
a crack right through your butt,
a soul in both your feet,
and punctuation in your gut.

But despite all the things wrong with you
and though you don't look as a person should,
I still really have to say
that I think you actually look quite good.



Sea Cow Blues

Behold the gentle manatee
that's robbed me of my sanity.
I can't start sleeping
'til it stops weeping
and yelling out profanity.

OR

It seems I'm now a manatee,
I've been robbed of my humanity.
I just called that witch
a stupid bitch
and it seems she hates profanity.



Rock, Scissors, Paper

Knock, knock, Hello?
It's Rock!
The toughest SOB
on the whole city block.
And if your name is Scissors
I'll make you disappear
because I'll always crush
each and every pair of shears.
The Papers try to diss me,
but that's just 'cause they miss me,
wanna get up on me
to try and hug and kiss me.
So you better hide your kids
and you better hide your wife
'cause that Paper is a raper
so this Rock makes sure his doors are locked
My allure is irresistible,
you won't need 2 of 3,
after just one meeting
you'll see that I'm the strongest guaranteed.

Yo, yo, Scissors is my name,
cuttin' bitches is my game
and you'll swear I was a virus
by the way I decimate Papyrus.
So unless Paper knows some magic
his end will just be tragic,
so he better call a wizard
'cause his ass is gettin' Scissored.
And don't get me started
on that fat-ass Rock.
Chubby motherfucker,
all meat no cock.
My play is all about finesse,
but that fool ain't got no common sense
'cause there's no room for brains
in a mass thats just plain dense.
Although you will need a soap and scrubber
if he hits you with that blubber,
but he better get a grip
before I snip, snip, snip.

Both your boastin' is just damp air: water vapor.
Everybody know
that there's no toppin' Paper.
Scissors has an ego
and he thinks he's very keen,
but when your ass is getting pounded
it's hard to look that mean.
As for Rock, he's all talk
and he thinks he's awfully tough,
but when you see him belly flop
you can see the closest he comes to crushing
is drinking some orange pop.
But when I smother out his breath
and bring about his timely death,
you'll never find the body
'cause like the combination of a dirty cop
and little pup,
I'm a pro and burying bones
and a pro at cover-ups.



Puzzling Fun

Oh my god, I'm just so bored.
But you know what would be fun?
A brand new jigsaw puzzle,
one that weighs a freaking ton.

We are going to have a blast
sorting through its million pieces.
We'll never be bored again
because the fun only increases!


...okay, so it's been two hours
and I'll admit that I was wrong.
I think we're in over our heads;
a puzzle this big does not belong.

I mean, this puzzle is impossible
and there are puzzle pieces everywhere.
They're coating every surface...
Oh jeez, they're even in my hair!

We'll never find all the pieces,
to try this was foolish I'll confess.
Anyways I guess I'll be heading home,
but good luck with all this mess.



The Autumn Wind

Into the inky darkness of the night
and through the woods I roam.
The only thing inside my head:
the thought of getting home.

The sounding of my footsteps
echoes through the dark
and then is muffled by the silence
of the trees' ever quiet bark.

Like the rattle of a snake
comes the rustle of the leaves,
the sounding of an omen
that send chills right through my sleeves.

Curving 'round the moonlight
and slipping past the leaves,
comes the deathly hollow hand
of the icy autumn breeze.

From then on we walk together,
just the autumn breeze and me,
as it takes from my limbs their feeling
and as it whispers lies with glee.

Oh, the autumn wind may haunt me
and cut into my bones,
but it remains my friend
because at least when we're together
I don't have to be alone.

Stupid Poems 4 Everyone: Part 2

The Rose Knows

There once was a rose
that grew a big nose.

“Oh, swell!
I can smell!”

it said
in its head,

but then started to think
“I don't smell...I stink!”



Winter's Golden Trap

It's snowing in my house today,
it's snowing on the drapes.

It's blocked all the doors today,
I don't know how I will escape.

I'm running out of food today,
but what really make me bellow

Is that it's not snowing white today,
instead it's snowing yellow.



What's In a Name

Beatrice was conceived in a grocery store,
afterwards Reggie fell asleep and started to snore, so
Alice snuck out through the store's back door,
Ned was her husband but was a total bore.
Denise was a miner who loved to mine for ore
and Olivia wasn't human, just a sentient fungal spore.
Nathan was rather foreign and had only come ashore
when Kevin stole his wife from him cause Kevin is a whore.
Orlando was so fat he fell right through the floor;
Reginald lived underneath and wasn't heard from anymore.
Larry was an alias for a Norse god of yore,
Ingrid was afraid of him because she thought he might be Thor
and Nobody is a no-one who you can just ignore.



Amphibian Woodwind

There was a little newt
who wanted to play the flute.
He bought one on sale
and then forever got tail,
'cause a newt with a flute is so cute.



Cousinly Prayers

Oh, dear cousin Carrie,
I hope that you aren't dead.
It would be so very scary
if I learned you'd lost your head.

If you were ever drowned
or were killed by wild birds,
my grief would be profound,
I'd be at a loss for words.

Oh, if you fell down the stairs
I don't know what I would do,
so I guess I'll say some prayers
in the hope that God will spare you.

God protect my cousin
and protect her organ's functionality.
She's not a dime a dozen
and she means a lot to me.



Kailey

Kailey Ukulele
had no one to call her own
and yet she spoke so gaily
unlike the others that were alone.

“Oh, Kailey what's your secret?”
asked the other lonesome strings.
“How can you maintain your artsy wit
when you've got no one to make you sing?”

“Well, it's really rather easy.
I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yourself.
Although some would call it sleazy,
I simply play myself.

You just use one hand to finger
and the other hand to pluck,
then in no time your gasps will linger
as each and every note is struck.”

And the lesson that we learn from the allegory
of the self-reliant lute
is that you don't need to feel sorry
if you don't have some hirsute brute.

To be happy you don't need help from the population,
one only needs oneself
because when you're in the mood for a good vibration
you can always play yourself.



The Tapeworm

I am a friendly tapeworm.
I live inside your gut
and when I reproduce
my eggs come out your butt.

Oh, I am a simple tapeworm,
I like to eat your food,
but I never ask for permission
because, I'll admit, I'm rather rude.

Yes, I am a loving tapeworm
and you'll never be rid of me.
I squirm inside your belly
so won't you be my bestie?



LCC

A - had collected print medias
as well as Encyclopedias,
Yearbooks, and Reference works
(all beloved by shelving clerks).

B - is Philosophy, Psychology,
Religion and Theology.

C - are Sciences of History
like Archeology, Biography,
Heraldry, Coins, Diplomatics
and other things you'll find in attics.

D - has all the World's Histories,
unveiling foreign mysteries.

E - talks about America
with plenty US esoterica.

F - is about America's smaller states,
but is mostly still just facts and dates.
It also includes Mexico and Panama,
and former colonies like Canada.

G - has Human Ecology and Anthropology.
Folklore and Geography,
don't forget Cartography.
Environmental sciences,
Recreation and a bunch of Atlases.

H - has studies of Societies,
Statistics and Economies.

J - covers any Political need,
if that's the thing you'd like to read.

K - is all about the Law,
both those at home and those abroad.

L - is rather Educational
in case you want School to be vocational.

M - is quite easy to remember
'cause Music is it's only member.

N - is all about Fine Arts,
with pieces that will touch your heart.

P - isn't just for Prose,
it's also where Language goes.

Q - will be your favorite path
if you love Science and Math.

R - will help a doctor get a win
because it covers Medicine.

S - has all your Agriculture.
Husbandry and Horticulture.
Hunting and Forestry.Angling and Fisheries.

T - is Technology and Electronics,
Engineering and Astronautics.
Don't forget it has Photographs,
Home Economics and Handicrafts.

U - is for the Military,
V - is for the Navy.
They both have to do with slaughter,
but one is focused on the water.

Finally we get to Z,
which is all about the books you see,
how to write them and how they get to be
found inside a library.



Priorities

I'm sitting at the hospital
and I think it's all quite clear:
these nurses are not human,
inside they're all just gears.

I never see them eat or sleep,
their work just doesn't stop.
Surely any normal mortal
would be caused to drop.

But it doesn't matter if they're metal,
I think we can agree
that we're just awfully glad they're here
to help take care of ME.



Number Two Blues

In front of the loo there seems to be a massive queue.

I really need to number two and I'm not sure what I should do.

“Sirs,” said I, “would it be fine, if I just skipped this line?

You see, no one's needs compare with mine, my fecal problems just aren't benign.

If I don't get in there you will have to view it when my colon starts to spew it

and my pants, this hall, your favorite shoes, are all covered in organic waste fondue.

What's that? You all say the answer's yes?

My full gratitude I cannot express!

But...

...uh-oh...too late...

Wow...that's really quite the mess.”



The Stalker

I've found I have a stalker
and now I don't feel secure.
I always wonder if he's watching,
of what to do I'm just not sure.

He gets up really early,
probably right at the crack of dawn,
because every morning when I wake up
I see him spreading out upon my lawn.

In the morning he peeps in front,
later on he peeps in back.
I'm never really rid of him
until the sky turns black.

It's only in the nighttime
that he ever takes a break,
but never fail he will return
long before I ever wake.

I guess I'll have to live with it,
there's nothing that can be done.
There's just no escaping it
when your stalker is the sun.



Boy-Man Wizard

Did you hear 'bout Maxwell?
That fearsome boy-man wizard,
he screwed up a simple spell
and now he is a lizard.

And oh that little lizard
was trying to clean his scales
when he was mistaken for a prostitute
and now he lives in jail.

So if there is a moral
to this sordid little tale,
it's that if you mess with magic
it'd be better not to fail.



Ice Cream Murderer

I decided that for dessert
I would have a bowl of ice cream,
but when I tried to scoop it
it let out a fearsome scream.

From its wound there started leaking
a goo that was colored red.
...I think it's only strawberry,
but I'm sure my dessert is dead.

I probably should just leave it,
but I think I'll still have a taste.
I mean...it's not getting any deader
and I don't want it to go to waste.



Salty Love

Oh my dear, I love you,
but it's time for us to part.
And even though I'm leaving,
know you'll always be in my heart.

I never will forget
your delicious taste upon my lips,
but we never could stop there
and soon enough you were on my hips.

I know I'll still see you
everywhere I go,
but I will, I must ignore you
and I won't even stop to say hello.

Our relationship isn't healthy,
it's just cravings and empty lust.
Even though I still desire those things,
the world we live in is too unjust.

So like two star-crossed lovers
departing on separate ships,
know that I will always love you,
my dear, my love, my only...
my darling potato chips.



Love Note From a Pickpocket

My Dear Miss

I was the one that stole your purse,
but now I think that I'm in love.
I know that sounds real stupid—
in my business it's unheard of.

At first I only saw you
as nothing more than a bag of cash
(if I had just looked closer
I would never have been so brash),

But then I saw your photo
on your camera and various I.D.s,
then had a little listen
to some of your MP3s.

I feel that I know you,
even though we've never met.
...Well, unless you count the robbery,
but I really wish that you'd forget.

I can tell you're a good person,
after all you're an organ donor,
so you probably could never love
some thieving little loner.

I would've come in person,
but I'm not sure what I would say...
except that I'm awfully sorry
that things turned out this way.

Anyways, I've got your keys,
so I'll let myself in when you're not home
then just leave your stuff inside
along with this humble little poem.

I know I'm just a pickpocket,
but you've gone and picked my heart.
Once again I'm really sorry
that I messed things up
right from the very start...

Most Sincerely,
Your Pickpocket