-Warning: There is some naughty language going on in some of these poems.-
-...there's actually quite a lot of naughty language...-
-...and some drug references...-
-...in fact I'm gonna lose my poetic license over this...-
-...so consider yourself warned.-
If I had one wish
I'd wish for a unicorn.
One with a silvery coat
and a wondrous unihorn.
I'd ride it everywhere I went
and feed it only syrup.
I'd look so very dashing
when my feet were in the stirrups.
Everyday when I got up
I'd brush its handsome mane,
Then I'd eat some breakfast
and do some more cocaine.
Oh look, there he is,
the infamous Mr. Sunflower.
He never laughs or smiles,
he just frowns and stares and glowers.
You'd swear he had no emotion;
his face is just so dour.
And his personality is so dry
he'd be more aptly called a "flour".
All the kids are scared of him,
when he's around they cower.
I guess when you get right down to it
for a bright and yellow sunflower
he's sure not a very fun flower.
Oh, who is the one at school
who loves to fight and curse?
Why who else could it be
but our foul mouthed school nurse.
She likes to hit, she likes to spit,
she loves to start up fights,
and if you ask her not to
she'll just punch right out your lights.
I tried to tell me parents,
but they just laughed as if I were joking
and said, "You can only be so mad
at the one who prevents all you kids from croaking.
There was a girl
who loved to twirl
and who could see what others can't;
she could see emotions
as colored oceans
of a streaming beauty that would enchant.
The feeling dread
was colored red.
The feeling joy light blue.
Lust was a sheen
of minty green,
but love was a pinkish hue.
So when she spun
the colors would run
into a cacophony of pigmentation.
And when she felt unsure,
she could still see the allure
of a world with such colorful sensations.
How dare you call me a bitch
you slutty little cunt!
The only men you've ever got
were the ones who knew you love to grunt.
You goddamned dirty tramp,
you pretentious little cocksucker!
You think you could steal my man
with your nasty Bangkok pucker?
You wanna start something you piece of shit?
I'll stab you right in your dirty cooch!
He's my man and he would never submit
to fuck some skanky pooch,
What do you mean 'your man',
you cankerous crabbed up whore?
I'll tell you right now that my pussy
is the only one that man adores.
You must got semen in your brain
from all your back alley boning.
Just yesterday he and I spent the night
doing some really kinky moaning.
Wait a sec, are you for real?
That cheating motherfucker!
You sayin' he slept with me last afternoon
then left to get his cock another sucker?
What? Last afternoon?
That shit stained pencil prick!
He told me he had gone to church,
that dishonest douchebag dick!
Fuck, that motherfucker had best watch out
'cause I'm gonna rip off his goddamn penile erection
then shove it so far up his ass
it'll be like getting fucked by intravenous injection.
Not before I slice open
his sack of furry balls
then shove 'em right up his cock
like they were supposed to be urethral.
Hey girl, you know, I'm really sorry,
I know mom raised use to be sisters
and we really shouldn't have been fighting
over some worthless fucking mister.
Yeah, I'm sorry too
'bout all those things we said.
How about we go see him together
and make that man-whore dead?
Haha, you know I love you, right?
Even though you one crazy bitch.
Yeah, I know, and I love you too,
though you a skanky warty witch.
Dogs Can't Talk
I'm very glad my dog can't talk,
I don't think he'd have much to say
and I'd rather not have to listen
to how he spent his day.
Every day a boring story
about how he licked his balls
or another awful anecdote
about every squirrel he saw.
I can do without that irritation
and prefer these normal barks of his
because overall I'm quite content
with my dog just as he is.
An Eclectic Figure
Has anyone ever told you
that you look a little strange?
Not because of the clothes you wear,
but because of how you were arranged.
I mean you've got temples on your face
and a bridge right on your nose.
A crown upon your head
and an arch right by your toes.
And I have to wonder what they study,
those pupils in your eyes,
though it must be horticulture
for their irises should win a prize.
There are nails in your hands and feet
and hammers in your ears.
There's a set of cheeks upon your face
and another set upon your rear.
Instead of just a set of 2 arms,
like any normal person should,
you've got another set of 4 arms
and all those arms just can't be good.
There's a button in your belly,
a crack right through your butt,
a soul in both your feet,
and punctuation in your gut.
But despite all the things wrong with you
and though you don't look as a person should,
I still really have to say
that I think you actually look quite good.
Sea Cow Blues
Behold the gentle manatee
that's robbed me of my sanity.
I can't start sleeping
'til it stops weeping
and yelling out profanity.
It seems I'm now a manatee,
I've been robbed of my humanity.
I just called that witch
a stupid bitch
and it seems she hates profanity.
Rock, Scissors, Paper
Knock, knock, Hello?
The toughest SOB
on the whole city block.
And if your name is Scissors
I'll make you disappear
because I'll always crush
each and every pair of shears.
The Papers try to diss me,
but that's just 'cause they miss me,
wanna get up on me
to try and hug and kiss me.
So you better hide your kids
and you better hide your wife
'cause that Paper is a raper
so this Rock makes sure his doors are locked
My allure is irresistible,
you won't need 2 of 3,
after just one meeting
you'll see that I'm the strongest guaranteed.
Yo, yo, Scissors is my name,
cuttin' bitches is my game
and you'll swear I was a virus
by the way I decimate Papyrus.
So unless Paper knows some magic
his end will just be tragic,
so he better call a wizard
'cause his ass is gettin' Scissored.
And don't get me started
on that fat-ass Rock.
all meat no cock.
My play is all about finesse,
but that fool ain't got no common sense
'cause there's no room for brains
in a mass thats just plain dense.
Although you will need a soap and scrubber
if he hits you with that blubber,
but he better get a grip
before I snip, snip, snip.
Both your boastin' is just damp air: water vapor.
that there's no toppin' Paper.
Scissors has an ego
and he thinks he's very keen,
but when your ass is getting pounded
it's hard to look that mean.
As for Rock, he's all talk
and he thinks he's awfully tough,
but when you see him belly flop
you can see the closest he comes to crushing
is drinking some orange pop.
But when I smother out his breath
and bring about his timely death,
you'll never find the body
'cause like the combination of a dirty cop
and little pup,
I'm a pro and burying bones
and a pro at cover-ups.
Oh my god, I'm just so bored.
But you know what would be fun?
A brand new jigsaw puzzle,
one that weighs a freaking ton.
We are going to have a blast
sorting through its million pieces.
We'll never be bored again
because the fun only increases!
...okay, so it's been two hours
and I'll admit that I was wrong.
I think we're in over our heads;
a puzzle this big does not belong.
I mean, this puzzle is impossible
and there are puzzle pieces everywhere.
They're coating every surface...
Oh jeez, they're even in my hair!
We'll never find all the pieces,
to try this was foolish I'll confess.
Anyways I guess I'll be heading home,
but good luck with all this mess.
The Autumn Wind
Into the inky darkness of the night
and through the woods I roam.
The only thing inside my head:
the thought of getting home.
The sounding of my footsteps
echoes through the dark
and then is muffled by the silence
of the trees' ever quiet bark.
Like the rattle of a snake
comes the rustle of the leaves,
the sounding of an omen
that send chills right through my sleeves.
Curving 'round the moonlight
and slipping past the leaves,
comes the deathly hollow hand
of the icy autumn breeze.
From then on we walk together,
just the autumn breeze and me,
as it takes from my limbs their feeling
and as it whispers lies with glee.
Oh, the autumn wind may haunt me
and cut into my bones,
but it remains my friend
because at least when we're together
I don't have to be alone.