Thursday, February 6, 2014

Movie List 2013: 126-159

 The continuing list of all the movies I watched this year.

* = rewatch

Be Warned: I might have let an occasional curse word slip through, because I just love movies so freakin' much!

*   126.   *

The Ladykillers

A motley crew of criminals attempt to dupe an old woman in order to pull off a casino heist.

Genre: Criminal heist comedy

A Coen Brothers comedy starring Tom Hanks? Need I say more?

I need not.

Rating: Hilarious. 

“You, madam, are addressing a man, who is in fact quiet... and yet, not quiet, if I may offer to you a riddle.”


Rewind This!

A documentary about VHS tapes and those who love them.

Genre: Quirky documentary

In the future I'll have to explain the VHS culture I grew up in to kids who just won't understand. They'll not know the thrill of going to the video store and picking out what movies you wanted to see that week. And we didn't have IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes or anything to tell us what was good, we didn't even have Youtube to look up trailers. You had to choose movies like you'd choose a book. Make your choices by looking at the covers, reading the backs, or maybe you'd pick one just because it had an actor or director you liked.

Anyways, back on topic, this is an interesting documentary. It's fun and it shines a light on the history and impact VHS had.

That being said, my one problem with it was that the whole thing was a little all over the place. I mean, they'd be talking about the rise of VHS and then they'd be talking about VHS obsessed people of today and then they'd be talking about the quirks of the technology, etc. In a really polished documentary these ideas would lead into one another to create a narrative, but here they're all kind of jumbled together. However, I'll choose interesting content and a fun style in my documentaries over good flow any day, so it works.

So there you go: fun movie, interesting subject, good interviews, hodgepodge editing.

“When you're looking at a shelf, it's very democratic and the best cover catches your eye.”

“Production price tag, you know, Terminator: $80,000,000. Puppetmaster: $400,000.
It's not an even playing field, but in the video store they were all on the same shelf, all in the same size boxes.”

*   128.   *


 A young girl is raised in isolation by her AWOL secret agent father and taught to survive, to run, and to kill. Now she's fifteen and it's time for her to see the world, but the second they surface the government will be after them and won't stop until they're both dead.

Genre: Artistic action fairy tale.

I first saw this movie in theaters it was on a whim and was so glad that I did. It was a brilliant movie then and it still is now. I guess it's an action movie, but it's all done in such a beautiful and unique way.

Yet that makes it so hard to describe to people! It's an action movie, it's a drama, it's a weird modern fairy tale!

Whatever you want to call it, I love it. It's sweet, it's exciting, and it's in league of its own.

“I tried to prepare you.”

“You didn't prepare me for this.”

*   129.   *


A half-vampire with the ability to go out in the day wages a secret war against vampires.

Genre: Vampire action

Blade is a strange sort of movie. When I look back on it, a lot of it is super dumb. But damn, there's a few bits that are kind of brilliant. I mean the vampire rave scene for instance? How about that scene of Blade's birth? I mean, hell, I can vividly recall a number of bits from this movie, and you've gotta give some credit to a movie that can provide such memorable imagery.

Plus there are some interesting ideas at work. I like the idea of a half-vampire, I love that he's called “The Day Walker” (it just sounds so cool, don't you think?). I mean, I don't really care about the main villain at all, and frankly quite a lot of this movie is just out to provide action and gore while trying to be really “cool.” And yet it's a movie with some great imagery, not mention that it's an action movie starring a black hero (who is not Will Smith). PLUS it also stars a black woman. AND she's a highly intelligent doctor who actually has a developed character! I mean, that doesn't happen very often. Finding action movies that don't star white males as the heroes is hard enough, but don't even get me started on the under representation of black women in action movies (let alone films in general).

Here, let's play a game. Off the top of your head name 3 action movies that feature both a black man and woman in lead roles.

See what I mean? You had to stop and think about it for a while, didn't you? Maybe you couldn't even do it.

I came up with: 1.Django Unchained, 2. The Matrix Reloaded, and 3. Blade.

And both Kerry Washington in Django and Jada Pinkett Smith in Matrix were side considering we're talking about Blade right now I'm pretty sure I cheated by using it in my 3...uh, what else...Ghosts of Mars? I haven't actually seen that one, but Pam Grier was a star in it, wasn't she? In either case, kudos to Blade!

Even if it's not your kind of movie you've gotta respect it for working outside the usual action box.

“You're one of them, aren't you?”

“No, I'm something else.”


Jeepers Creepers

After sticking his nose where it didn't belong, a young Justin Long becomes the target of a supernatural predator.

Genre: Ineffective 00's  horror

This movie is weird on so many levels. I could put on my judgment cap and go to town with all the things that are wrong about this movie. But I won't. And why not? Well, because I had a ton of fun watching it.

Judge me all you want! It's a completely absurd horror movie, but it's so ridiculous that it's fun. This movie made a great move by casting Justin Long, because he's what makes it wonderful. Mostly because what makes him so great at comedy also makes him kind of really bad at horror.

I just can't not think of him as Justin Long. So for me this is a movie about crazy monster man hunting a young Justin Long. Just imagine if you will a frazzled Justin Long freaking out as a battered old truck with a doofy-sounding horn tries to run him off the road. Who wouldn't want to see such a movie?

“You know the part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid, and everybody hates them for it? This is it.”


Jeepers Creepers 2

Oh jeez...umm...a group of high school athletes are going somewhere on a school bus and the bus is attacked by the monster-thing from the first movie, but it's kind of different and uses ninja stars for some reason.

Genre: Bad horror sequel to a funny-bad horror film

I honestly can't quite remember what exactly goes on in this movie...or any of the characters for that matter. I could blame it on the fact that it's been a few months since I saw it, or I could blame the fact that nothing happened worth remembering. I mean the vast majority of this movie happens either on a broken down school bus or right next to a broken down school bus. Which is so weird! After all the first movie was all about the characters trying to run from the creature and in this one they're all just sitting around.

Of the bits I remember, I clearly recall that the dudes on this dull unmoving bus really loved doing 3 things:

1) Taking off their shirts around each other.
2) Cruelly making fun of the kid they thought might be gay.
3) Ignoring the hypocrisy at work there.

Really, this movie is just weird. In the first movie the creature was kind of like a dude. It had its own weird lair and it drove a truck. But in this one it's more bat than man? And it throws shuriken made from bone for some reason? I think the studio was hoping to create a new Horror series that they could pump endless sequels from, but changing everything from the first movie kind of seems like a bad way to do that.

Apparently the public agreed because it didn't do well and there's no Jeepers Creepers 3.

I mean, come on. A Jeepers Creepers movie with neither Justin Long nor a weird old truck? I just don't see the point.

“What's the story on this thing?”

“Whatever you've heard, probably.”

“You expect us to think that thing's real?”

“Don't really care.”


In Bruges

After messing up a hit, a gang member is being sent to the small town of Bruges until things cool down. Or at least that's what he's being told.

Genre: Drama?

I believe the box for this one reads “Colin Farrell and Academy Award-nominee Ralph Fiennes star in this edgy, action-packed comedy, filled with thrilling chases, spectacular shoot-outs and an explosive ending you won't want to miss!”

I'm here to tell you that that is 100% bullshit.

...okay, well, not 100%, but definitely 80% or so.

There's kind of like one short half-hearted chase. There are no shoot-outs. The ending isn't explosive. There really isn't much action. Colin Farrell and Ralph Fiennes are 2 of the stars and they do say some pretty edgy stuff, so they got that part right at least.

From that write-up I was expecting a Snatch or Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels kind of thing. But it's really a rather slow-paced drama. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it or anything, I'm just saying it was far from what I was expecting / lead to believe by the box.

I think I'll have to see it again to really know what to think of it, but I enjoyed it. A number of bits kind of seemed edgy for edgy's sake and I'm not a fan of that. But it's definitely an interesting movie. Sure they say edgy things and jokes are told, but those parts are all pretty forgettable. It's the dramatic bits that really made this movie.

“Coming up?”

“What's up there?”

“The view.”

“The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that down here.”

“Ray, you are the worst tourist in the whole world.”


The Butler

A look at civil rights in America as seen through the life of the White House's butler.

Genre: Drama

I saw this at the theater because it was free and I do so enjoy Forest Whitaker.

It was enjoyable, but I don't remember too much about it. If you like Forest Whitaker and want to remember some of America's sordid history then I'd say go ahead and give it a watch.

America has always turned a blind eye to what we done to our own. We look out to the world and judge. We hear about the concentration camps but these camps went on for two hundred years right here in America.”

*   134.   *

The Craft

A high school girl in a bad wig joins up with a group of witches and that turns out to be a very bad idea.

Genre: 90's fueled high school horror.

Jesse, why are you always harping on the little things?

Whatever! You cannot seriously tell me that this girl's wig is not a huge distraction. It's terrible! They've been using wigs in movies forever, shouldn't they be better than this by now?

Also, I hate that wig girl is smitten with the campus asshole. Even after he treats her like shit and spreads rumors about her. Weird twist: This movie came out the same year as Scream and both movies feature Skeet Ulrich playing the school's resident popular asshole who treats the main girl like shit and is loved for it. What?! Coincidence? Probably!

The Craft is a weird movie and I really don't care about it all that much. HOWEVER there's a scene in this movie that I can never forget. It's the bit where the witches cause this one girl's hair to fall out and it is forever burned into my memory. I don't know what it is about that scene, but it creeps me out something fierce. I'd even go as far as to say it's one of the scariest cinematic scenes I've ever seen.

Every once in awhile I have to watch the whole movie just to remember what else happens in it. But who cares about the rest! That scene is horrifying! I don't know why, but it is. I first saw it as a kid and it just freaked me the fuck out.

I would recommend you watch this movie just for that scene.

And maybe also because you can see that terrible wig and know that it is indeed awful and I'm not exaggerating about it (much).

“Watch out for the weirdos, girls.”
“We are the weirdos, mister.”

*   135.   *

The Crazies

A government-developed chemical weapon is accidentally released into a small town's water supply when the plane carrying it crashes. Those infected lose their minds to violent impulses, trapping the rest between their killer neighbors and a government desperate to cover everything up.

Genre:  Horror remake

Confession: I've never seen the original 1973 The Crazies, but this is my second time seeing this one. It's not that I'm not interested in seeing the original, but because multiple friends of mine own this one, but no one has the old one!

Anyways, I like this movie! It's spooky. I love how shit hits the fan and suddenly everyone's a threat and these poor people just want to get the fuck out of there.

On a side note, only 10 movies into this post and 5 of these are ones I watched with a girl I was seeing. Because nothing says date night like Horror movies, amiright?

“This is really happening.”
“It's gonna be all right. We're gonna be okay.”
“You don't really believe that, do you?”

*   136.   *


What if there was a device that could tell you exactly when you were going to meet your soul mate? And what if yours was blank?

Genre: Romantic comedy with a touch of Sci-Fi

I'm a big fan of this movie. It's a perfect blend of romantic comedy and thought-provoking science fiction.

And let's be honest, it's just super cute.

If a clock could count down to the exact moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?”


Resident Evil

I don't even fucking know. A secret lab is developing chemical weapons or something and someone sneaks in and releases it? And then some military types are sent in to kill everyone? Or make sure it doesn't get out?

Genre: Abomination


Do yourself a favor and don't watch this movie. I made the mistake of thinking it would be so bad it would be good. But it's not. It's just bad bad. Please, just trust me on this and don't see it. In fact I should probably stop talking about it, because the more I talk about it the more you're just gonna start wanting to see it anyway and you shouldn't.


“That homicidal bitch killed my team!”
“That homicidal bitch may be our only way out of here.”

*   138.   *


A pair of fallen angels find a way back into heaven, but by doing so they could inadvertently undo the whole of creation. It's up to an abortion clinic worker, two foul mouthed prophets, a muse, and the 13th apostle to put a stop to them.

Genre: Brilliant theological comedy

Is it sad that I relate to this movie on a very spiritual level? It probably is, but I don't really care. This movie blew my mind as a kid. It asks all the right questions, deals with all the right issues, and gives you quite a lot to think about. It would be easy for someone to dismiss this movie out of hand as sacrilegious, because it makes jokes about religion, but they just wouldn't understand.

This movie isn't attacking Christianity at all. It actually does a phenomenal job of pointing out some of the great things about it, the jokes come from a loving place. When they do make jokes at someone's expense they're really making it at the expense of religious Institutions, not the religions themselves.

Which I think is quite fair, because Institutions have proven themselves to have a tendency to skew the story to fit within its desired framework. The movie pokes holes in their cover in a very clever way. I mean, their “Buddy Christ” scene says it all, but they do it in a number of ways. For instance Jesus is said to have been black, God is shown as both a woman and a man and is stated to not really be either.

Plus just look at the cast! Chris Rock, Matt Damon, George Carlin, Linda Fiorentino, Jason Lee, Salma Hayek! I mean if you don't want to see a movie with Alanis Morissette as God and Alan Rickman as the Metatron, then I just don't understand you at all.

“He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.”

“Having beliefs isn't good?”

“I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.”

*   139.   *

The Thing

A research base in the antarctic finds itself under attack from an alien creature with the power to mimic any creature it touches. Now with nowhere to run the base's crew are stuck together and no one can be sure who's human and who's a thing.

Genre: Horror Classic

I looooooovvvee this movie. It's one of my favorite movies in general, and my second favorite horror movie.

I mean, damn. Practical effects all over the place and they're still just as creepy as they ever were.

Also, what's this? Kurt Russell? Kicking ass and wearing a dope hat? It doesn't get much better than that.

“I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is.”

*   140.   *

Ernest Scared Stupid

Bumbling trashman Ernest P. Worrell accidentally frees an ancient troll from his prison thus allowing him to resume his quest to suck the life out of children.

Genre: Children's Horror

A perennial Halloween must-see of mine.

I was a big Ernest fan as a kid so I've seen them all and this one is definitely my favorite. I mean, really, how can you not love a movie starring Jim Varney and Eartha Kitt?

Fun fact: This was the last movie I watched with that girl I was seeing, before everything went butter-side down. Wait a second...that's not a fun fact at all!

Sometimes you've got to do what YOU know is right, no matter what anybody tells you.”



While doing routine maintenance on Hubble, a cloud of space debris destroys two astronauts' ship and leaves them adrift in space, struggling to think of a way to get home.

Genre: Space Drama

A beautiful and powerful movie.

Also, randomly, this would probably be a great movie to watch at home and fall asleep to.

 “The way I see it, there are only two possible outcomes. Either I make it down there in one piece and I have one hell of a story to tell. Or I burn up in the next ten minutes. Either way, whichever way... no harm, no foul. Because either way, it's going to be one hell of a ride.”



A vampire leaves his home in Transylvania to come to England(?) because...I dunno, why not, I guess? Anyway, he macks on the wrong chicas and old man Van Helsing figures out he's a vampire and tries to stop him from eating all the fly honeys.

Genre: Infamous Old-school horror

Here's a bizarre thought, back in the day this movie was TERRIFYING. Seriously. It scared the shit out of people. I could not stop thinking about that during this movie, because it is far from scary. It's very old timey in its approach. Lots of stage dialogue and sudden close-ups of reaction shots, you can kind of tell talkies hadn't been around for very long, because there's definitely a silent movie aesthetic at work in the cinematography.

I'm not saying its bad or anything, far from it, I'm just saying that it is not at all scary. It's a classic though. I mean when it comes to Dracula this is what defined the look. While watching this you can clearly see how iconic it is and how much of an effect its had.

On another note, do you ever think about how much fun it would be to go back in time and show some people a modern horror movie? Like The Shining or The Exorcist or something? You'd probably terrify them into a coma.

The strength of the vampire is that people will not believe in him.”

*   143.   *

Sleepy Hollow

A Victorian-era forensic pathologist is sent to investigate a small town's claims of spectral murders.

Genre: Tim Burton glory days

Ahh, remember when Tim Burton movies were always great?

Well, I guess some people don't put this one in their list of Burton's greatness, but who cares about those people! It's got Johnny Depp as a weirdly anachronistic (and bizarrely hemophobic) forensic scientist and Christopher Walken as the headless horseman! And what's that? Christina Ricci? And look over there it's Mr. Dursely himself, the one and only Richard Griffiths (bless his soul)!

Burton is ever so good at doing an oddly lighthearted take on darkness and he's bringing his A-game to this one. All the dark imagery and ideas bounce off the silly ones and that's what has always been fun about the legend of Ichabod Crane.

I'm not gonna tell you that this is some perfect movie or anything, but it's super fun. What more do you want? It's a great time at the movies. Watch it with your friends, eat some pizza, drink something questionable. You deserve it!

“Villainy wears many masks, none of which so dangerous as virtue...”


Beauty is Embarrassing

A documentary about the artist Wayne White.

Genre: I just said it was a documentary. Pay some attention why don't you.

My dear cousin Melinda recommended this one to me and I'm really glad she did. I never watched Pewee's Playhouse as a kid, or really anything this guy has done, and yet I still loved this documentary. I think that says a lot. This guy is really interesting, the documentary is extremely well done, and it leaves you with a lot of interesting thoughts about art.

And you know what? I already want to see it again.

“Wayne is one of those artists who have touched people in ways they don't even know.”



 A failed attempt to look into the concept of male grooming.

Genre: Documentary

Starting with Beauty Is Embarrassing back there I went on a bit of a Netflix movie craze for a bit. And I saw this one and thought, “Sure. Why not.”

Anyways, this movie isn't that good. It's not terrible, but there's nothing of substance here. Instead of actually investigating different ideas and thoughts about men's fashion they just kind of talk about one individual who deals with it? I mean, sure there are occasionally some experts weighing in on the topics, but more often it's just random comedians. That's probably the biggest problem with the movie, it's trying to be funny and accessible instead of well-researched and thought provoking.

In the end it just seems like a complete waste of an interesting concept.


The People vs. George Lucas

A documentary looking at George Lucas' positive and negative contributions to his Star Wars franchise.

Genre: Documentary

George Lucas is the worst.

Now that that's out of the way, I love Star Wars so you've gotta assume any documentary talking about Star Wars is going to be something I'll enjoy. If you love Star Wars you'll probably find it interesting and if you don't love Star Wars then...well, then you've got bigger problems.

So instead of reviewing this movie I'll supply a link to the most amazingly thorough, brilliantly accurate, and just plain weirdest review of the shitstorm that was Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Because fuck you, George Lucas.


Tiny Furniture

A young woman graduates from graduate school and moves back home to contemplate her next move. However, she has no idea what to do next.

Genre: Drama

Ah, the end of my Netflix movie streak.

Anyways, this movie is awful. Every single one of the characters is a terrible person and does terrible things to everyone else and you just want to smack them all and yell, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! There are only like one or two characters who are decent and they're barely in it and I think they're only in it to accentuate the point of just how awful everyone is.

You know the thing about your friends? They weren't assholes, were they?”

No, not at all.”

See, that's the problem. Our people are assholes. Our moms are assholes.”

You think my mom's an asshole?”

Yeah. She's too successful not to be.”


Bride of Frankenstein

In this sequel to Frankenstein we learn that both the doctor and his monster survived! Now Dr. Frankenstein is being coerced by the crazed Dr. Pretorious into sharing his secrets of life after death, so they can work together to tempt fate once again.

Genre: Campy B&W classic

I've always seen references to the Bride of Frankenstein, but before this I had never actually seen it. When I saw that it would be playing at the theater as part of their Universal Horror series I figured it would be the perfect time to rectify that.

It's definitely a lot more over-the-top than Frankenstein was, but it's a lot of fun. There's some great bits of comedy and some truly memorable scenes. If you've never seen it before I'd recommend giving it a try.

We belong dead!”


The Raven

An insane(ly) talented surgeon with an Edgar Allen Poe obsession becomes infatuated with a young lady and subsequently disfigures a murderer and traps some party guests in his murder mansion.

Genre: Over-the-top Old-timey Horror

This was actually a double feature with The Bride of Frankenstein. Doesn't get much better than that.

I didn't know anything about this one going into it, but damn, it's a lot of fun. It's in that weird little zone where the premise and set-up is really contrived but they're playing it straight and it results in hilarity.

I don't even know what else to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

“I can use your hate.”


Mistress of the Dark

After her boss sexually harasses her, Elvira quits her TV job. However, now she needs to come up with another way to make enough money to start her own show. Luckily a distant relative of hers dies and leaves her a house. Although, as you can imagine, the neighbors are less than pleased about this.

Genre: One-liner comedy

I had never seen any Elvira stuff before, so my friend Rusty said that should be rectified and thus we watched this.

I don't even know what say about this thing. It's fun, but kind of in amusingly bad kind of way? I don't really know how to describe it.

I can only play G-rated movies.”

Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.”



Umm...some bitey little aliens escape from alien jail? And they crash land on Earth to bite people. And then some other aliens come to catch them?

Genre: Shitty Gremlins rip-off

Wow, now that I think about it that synopsis kind of sounds a little bit like Lilo & Stitch, doesn't it? It's really nothing like Lilo & Stitch though!

This was another one Rusty said I should see. I spent most of this movie thinking that it is like a really shitty version of Gremlins. Actually...which one came first?

...Okay, Gremlins came out first! So there's no excuse there. I'd be very much surprised if Critters wasn't the result of some studio trying to get a piece of that Gremlins money. And they failed! It's not scary and it's not funny. It is, however, extremely confusing and poorly done.

So I guess what I'm getting at here is that there is no reason to watch this. Just go watch Gremlins...or Gremlins 2: The New Batch. It's up to you! Unlike this one, they're both great.

“Keep your shirt on, asshole.”

*   151.   *


A stolen diamond and illegitimate boxing matches lead to a series of interconnecting conflicts all across London's underbelly.

Genre: Fast-paced Action Comedy

Oh, Snatch. This is a movie that always reminds me of high school and watching cool action movies with my friends.

The best comparison I can make for this one is that it is very much in the same vein as Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (which came out 2 years earlier). Very stylized movies in which bumbling criminals try not to appease angry crime bosses in a series of interconnected stories that feature both great comedy and action (and have characters played by Vinnie Jones).

If you haven't seen it I highly recommend you do. Not only does it have an incredibly interesting style, but you'll also get to see Brad Pitt's greatest role. I'm not even joking. This movie is great all over, but Brad Pitt as an irreverent gypsy bare-knuckle boxer just steals the show.

“D'ya like dags?”

*   152.   *

Evil Dead II

A sequel to Evil Dead that tries to embrace the goofier side of the franchise.

Genre: Strangely comedic Horror sequel

This is just such a strange movie. The original is a horror movie, but this one leans much more towards comedy. Personally, I'm not a big fan. I love the creepiness of Evil Dead and I love the comedy of the 3rd movie (Army of Darkness), but this one tries to sit in the middle ground of the two and just ends up not being good at a number of things, but great at nothing.

“Recite the passages...dispel the my soul...and your own minds!”


Twin Dragons

Boomer, a mechanic/martial artist, and John Ma, a concert pianist, find out that they're long-lost twin brothers and hijinks ensue.

Genre: Jackie Chan Action-Comedy

I found a DVD collection of 8 Jackie Chan movies for $5 at Target and how could I say no to that? I watched quite a lot of old Jackie Chan movies as a kid after all. This is the first one on the collection and it does not disappoint.

Jackie Chan playing 2 roles in this Twins-separated-birth comedy movie, it's just as good as it sounds. Plus Jackie Chan does his own dubbing, which is kind of hilarious.

“This joke's going further than I thought...might as well go for it.

I'll fix her motor!”


Dragon Lord

I don't even know. Two best friends have a falling out and fight smugglers or something?

Genre: Ugh

This movie is so unbelievably dumb and boring. I wanted to turn it off right away, but didn't out of respect for Jackie Chan.

But seriously, don't bother with this one. Trust me. It was so bad I have yet to watch another movie on that Jackie Chan collection. It was that traumatizing.


Troll 2 

A hapless family on vacation is beset upon by evil trolls who want to turn them into plants and then eat them. It's up to a stupid kid and his dead grandpa to save the day.

Genre: So bad it's funny

Okay, everyone loves to talk about how this is the worst movie ever and I finally broke down and decided to see what all the fuss was about. And you know what? It's nowhere near as terrible as everyone claims.

I mean, yes, the whole thing is hilariously terrible and poorly executed, but saying this is the worst movie ever is like saying a 5 year-old's artwork is the worst art you've ever seen. They're a kid! Of course their art is going to suck. I mean, from what my friend told me the people who wrote this movie didn't even know English very well. All things considered they didn't do half bad.

However, if we're talking Best Bad Movie then I think you can make a very strong case for this one. The whole thing is so bizarrely entertaining. Just when you think it can't get any weirder or shot any more poorly it does.

Imagine a movie made by a nerdy immigrant teenager who has a love for practical effects, no experience in how to write/shoot a movie, and no money for professional actors or decent sets. That's pretty much what Troll 2 is like.

“They're eating her...and then they're going to eat me...

*   156.   *

Forrest Gump

The story of simple-minded man whose life intertwines with the history of America.

Genre: A drama with plenty of humor

When you stop and think about it this is a really weird movie. But then again what else would you expect from a movie with Tom Hanks, Gary Sinise, and Haley Joel Osment?

I have no clue what to say about a movie like this. Suffice it to say that I really like the humorous parts and don't really like the dramatic parts.

“Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?”

“Who I'm gonna be?”


“Aren't I going to be me?”


The Conjuring

A family is beset upon by an evil force and enlist the services of a paranormal investigation power couple to help them.

Genre: Horror

I really liked this movie. It gave me the heebie jeebies...or at least it did until Rusty's roommate came home and told us to turn it down then started making hamburgers 10ft away. Subsequently I don't really remember the ending very well.

But the 3/4ths of it I remember I thoroughly enjoyed. I really liked the characters and there's some really great scares. I also loved their description of the stages of demonic activity. The ending seemed to be getting super The Exorcisty though, which is a shame (because you can't beat The Exorcist and thus the comparison is never flattering), but other than that it was great.

“What's an inhuman spirit?”

“It's something that's never walked the Earth in human form. It's something demonic.”

*   158.   *

Hocus Pocus

A virgin accidentally (on purpose) raises a trio of witches from the dead and now it's up to him, his little sister, the girl he has a crush on, and a talking cat to save the town.

Genre: Greatest Halloween movie ever made

This movie encapsulates everything that makes Halloween great. If you've never seen it I cannot recommend it enough.

Plus this year I asked my boss at the theater if I could possibly invite a couple friends and watch it on the big screen after hours, because why not, right? The worst thing that could happen is that he'd say No. But for some reason he agreed! And it was AWESOME.

“Go to hell!”

“Oh! I've been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.”



A group of high school girls unknowingly decide to vacation at a haunted house.

Genre: So-bad-it's-funny Japanese horror

Like Troll 2 I've heard a lot about the bizarre train wreck that is Hausu. So when I saw it was playing at the local microcinema on Halloween I figured what better way to see it.

This movie is so impossibly strange that it's kind of wonderful. In fact if you want to talk about best bad movie I think this one definitely beats Troll 2, because this movie is incredibly memorable. You kind of have to respect something that's so bizarrely doofy that you can't forget it. I don't even want to talk about it anymore, because I don't want to spoil the surprise.

But if you're ever in the mood for a ridiculous movie to watch with your friends around Halloween then look no further.

“You're so cool, Kung Fu!”