The Breadfruit 08/18/10

PeopleWatch: Jim Awesome

Imagine you are talking to a tall man with short brown hair and black rimmed indie glasses. He is witty and smart and can talk excitedly about any topic you can think of. Then suddenly he begins to pee his pants. You've just met Jim Awesome, a lab assistant living in northeast Mycity. While many would attribute the incident on a weak bladder or a mental disorder, Jim sees it in a different way: as an act of God.

“I know it sounds a little crazy,” Jim said. “I don't expect anyone to understand. I have a special connection with my God and I have to trust that he knows what's best for me.”

Jim doesn't subscribe to the idea of monotheism, instead believing that every person has their own personal God watching over them and leading their actions. Therefore when Jim wets his pants it is because his God has refused to let him go to the bathroom.

“It happens from time to time. I want to go to the bathroom, but I just feel this divine order to continue talking with my friends or to just keep working out. It's embarrassing, but that's the point. Humility is a virtue.”

It turns out many of Jim's friends have recommended that he see a psychiatrist, but Jim just laughs and tells them he isn't sure how he'd find the time. His divine orders aren't things he necessarily has to do, in fact from time to time he's disobeyed a few. However, it turns out you can't disobey a God without facing some repercussions.

“One time he [God] trapped me in my swimming pool...I nearly died.”

The Breadfruit 08/16/10

High-Pressure Fight Gets Bloody

DETROIT—Spectators at a Penultimate Fighting event were shocked last Thursday when the opening match of the season ended in tragedy. The fighters, last year's champion Jackson Briggs and newcomer Liu Kang, were both pronounced dead at the scene, both due to substantial blood loss. Spectators say that the match only lasted about 10 seconds and only 2 punches were thrown before both fighters collapsed. “It was insane,” said season ticket holder Edward Boon. “Kang hit Jackson with a left hook and suddenly there was blood spraying everywhere. Then Jackson starts falling forward but gets in a jab on his way down and the same thing happens to Kang. Next thing I know they're both lying in pools of blood and the ring looks like a [expletive deleted] horror movie.” Past studies have shown that blood will spray from wounds when an area of high blood pressure, such as an artery, is severed. However, doctors say the blood pressure required to explain such a dramatic reaction from such minor wounds is off the charts. Further matches have been delayed until investigators are able to get to the bottom of the situation.

The Breadfruit 08/15/10

Sonic Needs a Ring To Survive

MOBIUS—Ogilvie “Sonic” Maurice was hospitalized on Saturday evening after experiencing heart difficulties. The famous racer, well known for holding the land speed record, was rushed from the Eggman Bar&Grill after experiencing severe chest pain. Spectators say that Sonic was trying to win his girlfriend a stuffed animal from a claw machine when he started to complain about the chest pains.

“It was so scary” said Sally Acorn, Sonic's girlfriend. “One second he was joking and laughing like usual and the next he has gone quiet and was clutching his chest . A lot of people just thought he had drank too much, but he had only had some energy drinks. He never drank alcohol because he said it slowed him down.”

Sonic was taken to nearby Green Hills Hospital. On Sunday morning doctors confirmed that the problem was not related to alcohol or drugs. The chest pains had been caused from a heart disease

“Mr. Maurice is suffering from a condition known as Mitral Stenosis,” said the hospital's head cardiologist Dr. Ivo Robotnik. “It occurs when the heart's mitral valve stops opening completely. This causes the pressure in the left atrium to increase. The increase in pressure puts severe stress on the heart and leads to even bigger problems.”

While Sonic's family members did release general information about the cause of the hospitalization and plans for recovery, they refused to answer any further specifics. If the mitral stenosis was the result of a previous condition is currently unknown to the public.

“My son's illness is a private matter,” said Bernice Maurice, Sonic's mother. “His health, however, is for everyone to enjoy. After the surgeons put a new valve ring in him, he'll be back on his feet in no time.”

The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

The Breadfruit 08/14/10

The Princess Is In a Different Castle

OMB, BOWSERLAND—“The princess isn't going anywhere,” said King Kametaro Bowser, the leader of the Bowserland, during a press release held this Friday regarding the detention of Princess Momomi. In which King Bowser restated his position in the matter and noted that he didn't plan on changing his mind any time soon.

Princess Momomi Peach, the prominent heir to Mushroom Kingdom, was detained by the Koopas on August 1 after straying into Bowserland territory while on a hike with friends. Representatives of Mushroom Kingdom maintain that the princess was simply enjoying a hiking trip over summer vacation and merely got a little lost. However, the Koopas insist that she was spying, having found cameras and other high-tech recording devices in the hiking party's possession.

Relations between Mushroom Kingdom and Bowserland have been tense ever since the two countries were partitioned in 1983. To this the day the borders remain ill defined, with many territories still in dispute and tempers high.

“I just pray that she'll be alright,” said Prime Minister of Sarasaland, Daisy Caddy. “I've been in her position before. I was kidnapped in my youth, so while this situation is a little different and a lot more complicated, I can still empathize. Hopefully these two countries will be able to put aside their differences for the sake of this young woman.”

There have been many cases of hikers being detained by the Koopa after crossing into their borders. Most often the disputes end quickly and the trespassers released. This case, however, is unique not only because of the prominence of the detainee, but also because of her past. This represents the third time Princess Momomi has been detained for illegally crossing into Bowserland territory. The first 2 times she was released immediately as a sign of good faith, but it seems three strikes is all they're willing to offer.

“We aren't monsters,” said Bowser. “We have a strong history of leniency regarding these accidental border intrusions. But the Princess isn't just some ordinary hiker. She's done this before. Apparently our good natured actions in the previous instances have prompted the Mushroom Kingdom to attempt to take advantage of us. We are not pushovers and we will not stand for this. As I've said before, the princess isn't going anywhere.”

The Mushroom Kingdom has sent in Ambassador Mario Martinez Mario to start up talks of returning the princess. The Ambassador is well known for his ability in unclogging the toughest of situations, which has earned him the nickname “Super Mario”.

“Ambassador Mario might not be enough this time,” said Breadfruit Political correspondent, Richard Resetti. “There are rumors that Ambassador Mario and King Bowser have had some unpleasant interactions in the past and aren't on the best of terms. It is very likely the Mushroom Kingdom will have to make some large concessions if they want to see this situation resolved.”

The Breadfruit 08/13/10

Articuno Real! Scientists Real Stupid!

PALLET TOWN—Articuno, the legendary pokémon, was captured last Wednesday by 10 year old boy, Red Ketchum. For years Zoologists have doubted whether or not the pokémon even existed at all. Ketchum, however, quickly dispelled those doubts when he stunned the operators of Celadon City Gym by using the legendary bird to win his 4th badge.

“The kid was still using a little pikachu,” said Gym leader Erika Seiji. “I thought it was going to an easy win, but then out of nowhere he whips out a [expletive deleted] Articuno! And then he acts like it was no big deal!”

Over the years many have claimed to have seen the bird, but evidence was always anecdotal at best. No one could ever track down its location. Ketchum revealed that the legendary pokémon had been nesting in a cave on the Seafoam islands.

“It’s ridiculous” says Professor Yukinari Oak, leading zoologist of the Kanto-chiho Pokémon Research Institute. “The Seafoam islands are a popular tourist destination. Yet no one ever came across this bird’s nesting grounds until today? The native island inhabitants have been telling stories about this bird for generations and no one thought to look into it? It makes us scientists look like idiots!”

The discovery has raised a number of questions for scientists, but also a number of questions for Ketchum himself. Having only gained his Trainer's license 2 months ago it seems unlikely he was able to capture such a powerful pokémon. Ketchum denies allegations that he had any help.

“The real secret to catching it was friendship,” Ketchum said while grinning.

When reporters tried to press him further on the issues Ketchum ran off and lost them in the tall grass.

Scientists of the Seafoam Island Center for Marine Biology refused to comment on the matter.

The Breadfruit 08/12/10

Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon” Not as Fun as Natsume’s

TORONTO—Brad Jenkins was disappointed Tuesday when he realized that his recently purchased Neil Young album “Harvest Moon” was not about the video game series of the same name. “Where were the cows?” asked a confused Jenkins after the album was over. “I mean, sure he mentioned love, but not once did he mention anything about building a profitable farm through perseverance and hard work.” The album, released in 1992, predates the video game by 4 years and has received many favorable reviews. Jenkins, however, cannot understand why anyone would want “...a Harvest Moon where no one hugs a chicken or even collects any wood?” While still upset over the mistaken purchase, Jenkins says he's trying to get over it and has high hopes for the Beyonce Knowles’ song “Halo” that he just downloaded from iTunes.