Saturday, July 11, 2009


        I am no dinosaur expert, but my childhood has graced me with enough knowledge about dinosaurs to let me no when Hollywood is just trying to look cool. Case in point: the "Velociraptor".
       Velociraptors were very different from the ones seen in "Jurassic Park". For instance they are actually only the size of a standard poodle. They also weren't very bright. They were certainly among the smarter of the dinosaurs, but dinosaurs were notoriously stupid. This means they were probably about as smart as birds. I'm sure you've seen enough birds to know they might be clever they are by no means intelligent. Certainly not up to the predatory standards of large cats.
       So why should you believe me that Deinonychus are a lot scarier than Velociraptors? Let's look at the match up.

Velociraptor vs. Deinonychus

Velociraptors: 3 feet tall, 6 feet long, and about 33 ilbs.
Deinonychus: 5 feet tall, 10 feet long, and about 160 ilbs.

A standard poodle vs A standard woman
Winner: Deinonychus

Velociraptors: 3 inch sickle claw and 28 sharp teeth.
Deinonychus: 5 inch sickle claw and 60 sharp teeth.

More points = More problems
Winner: Deinonychus

Velociraptor: Name means "Speedy Thief"
Deinonychus: Name means "Terrible Claw"

You can't spell deinonychus without D.I.E.
Winner: Deinonychus

Velociraptor: Mongolia.
Deinonychus: The Western States, USA.

Get off my lawn, you damn dinosaurs!
Winner: Deinonychus

       I believe the winner is clear. Not only is Deinonychus more badass, but if there turned out to be a secret society of dinosaurs hiding underground it wouldn't be a Velociraptor you'd have to deal with. Let Mongolia deal with them. So tune in next week for Mongol Hordes vs. Velociraptors!

P.S. The "hooded spitter" dinosaur from "Jurassic Park" is called a Dilophosaurus. It had neither a neck frill or spat poison. It was also a scavenger as it was too much of a pussy to be able to bring down any decent sized prey. It is, however, one of the few dinosaurs in that movie that actually came from the Jurassic period.

P.P.S. Deinonychus is an anagram of "Hey, Disco Nun!"

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