Saturday, January 17, 2015

Book List 2014: The First Half

That's right, it's time once again for the annual list of what I've read this past year. I know, I know, the excitement is palpable, right?

There are so many books out there and sometimes it can be hard to know what to read. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to help in some small way.

Are you going to like everything on the list? Absolutely not. Heck, I don’t even like everything on this list.

Are you going to agree with all my opinions? God, I hope not! How boring would that be? We’re different people and we like different things. My goal here isn’t that you’ll like everything I did. My goal is to provide you with an interesting cross section of reading material and hopefully a few ideas for future reads.

Plus I love seeing what friends are reading, and perhaps mine do too.

But enough of my jibber-jabbering. Let's get to the books!



 * = Reread
[GN] = Graphic novel/Comic anthology



1.

Native American Myths and Legends

by. O.B. Duane

A collection of myths and legends from various Native American tribes.


While the myths and legends in the book were great, the author was...shall we say, not the best? For one thing he liked to say things like, “The Algonquin Indians were a tall, well-proportioned race, intelligent and obliging, who worked the land or hunted and fished for their survival.”

And for another he didn’t seem to understand basic aspects of North America. For instance his glossary defines a Buffalo as, “A type of wild ox...”

So...yeah. I’m sure there are better collections on the subject out there somewhere.






*   2.   *

The Color of Magic

by. Terry Pratchett

On a flat disc-shaped planet that rides through space on the backs of four elephants who stand on an enormous turtle, an incompetent wizard becomes a tour guide for the Disc’s first (and very possibly last) tourist.


I decided to start rereading all the Discworld books this year. After all, Terry Pratchett is my favorite author and this series is brilliant. Plus it’s been forever since I read the older ones.

And this was the book that started it all! I remember when my mom got it for me way back when. I had never heard of the series before and after I finished reading ir I immediately wanted to read them all.

Yet reading it now, it’s not nearly as good as it was back then. Although I’m pretty sure a lot of that sentiment is coming from the fact that I’m all too familiar with how good the series (and his writing) gets later on. So this early work seems all the more rough. Not to mention that the wizard-centric stories have always been my least favorite of the series.

My biggest annoyance though comes from the fact that the best thing about the Discworld series is that it brilliantly uses Fantasy as a way of satirizing our world, and this book doesn’t do that. This book uses our world as a way of satirizing Fantasy.

And that just isn’t as much fun.

[If you’ve never read a Discworld book before I wouldn’t suggest you pick this one as your starting point. Unlike most series, the Discworld books often can stand by themselves (some more than others), so it isn’t imperative to start at the beginning.  I usually tell people to start with Small Gods or The Wee Free Men as they both will give you a great taste of what makes Pratchett’s Discworld so enjoyable.]





*   [GN]   3.   [GN]   *

Avatar: The Last Airbender
The Promise

written by. Gene Luen Yang
drawn by. Gurihiru

After the events of the TV show, Aang & Zuko try to find a way to peacefully settle the land disputes over the Fire Nation colonies.


I was recently on an Avatar binge and after rewatching the TV series I wanted to reread some of the comics before I started rewatching Korra.

I have an Avatar addiction, okay? There. I said it.

Anyways, I’ve heard mixed reviews of the comics, but personally I quite enjoy them. So take that for what you will.





*   4.   *

The Light Fantastic

by. Terry Pratchett

This sequel to The Color of Magic returns us to the misadventures of incompetent wizard Rincewind and fool-hardy tourist Twoflower. This time a power hungry wizard has begun trying to harness the power of the 8 forbidden spells, but much to their mutual annoyance the 8th spell is currently residing inside of Rincewind’s head.


Umm...what to say, what to say. This one was a little better than The Color of Magic. Actually a lot of the stuff I remembered as being from The Color of Magic was from this one, so go figure! It still isn’t up to par with Pratchett’s later work, but it’s a fun simple kind of read and there’s a number of pretty fun scenes/bits of dialogue.





*   [GN]   5.   [GN]   *

Xin:
Legend of the Monkey King

story by. Kevin Lau & Erik Ko
art by. Kevin Lau & Omar Dogan
dialogue by. Jay Faerber

A modern re-telling of the infamous Chinese epic Journey to the West.


I was a teenager when this series was coming out and I was all over it. I mean a slick American version of the classic Journey to the West story? Teenage me was loving it. Unfortunately, however, not a lot of other people were and the series was soon canceled.

Which is a shame! Looking back on it now it isn’t as strong as it used to be for me, but there’s still some truly great things about it. This is probably one of the most fleshed out versions of Journey to the West I’ve ever seen. The characters are given backstories and personalities that are much deeper than the original’s.

It’s not perfect, but I still find it extremely interesting. It’s got a modern feel, a classic story, and some great reinterpretations. The real shame is that it wasn’t able to go on for longer. I’m really curious how their story would have evolved. The parts of the story in this volume is essentially just the preamble. It ends when Monkey and Tripitaka are about to depart on their journey. And that’s where the real adventure begins!

The actual comics got a couple issues past where this volume leaves off and it was really interesting. They had just introduced Pigsy and he was really fun! But they didn’t even get a chance to introduce Sandy! Lame, right?





*   6.   *

Equal Rites

by. Terry Pratchett

The eighth son of an eighth son is a wizard, but what happens when the eighth son of an eighth son is a daughter?


Equal Rites wins my award for being the best of the early Discworld books. It still isn’t as good as the later stuff, but it's still lots of fun.





*   7.   *

Mort

by. Terry Pratchett

Death takes a skinny young boy named Mort as his apprentice. However, Mort throws the balance of the world out of whack when he tries to save a girl from...well, from Death.



From what I hear a number of people suggest Mort as a good introduction to Discworld...heck, I think I even used to do that. But now I think that's kind of a terrible idea!

I’ll admit that this book has a very solid premise, but overall the story isn’t anything to write home about. It’s easy to remember it being better than it is, because there are some very memorable scenes. But the majority of the story isn’t about Mort and Death interacting (which is great), it’s about Mort trying to deal with the consequences of his interfering with the fates of mortals (which is pretty dull).





*   8.   *

Sourcery

by. Terry Pratchett

As we all know, the eighth son of an eighth son is a Wizard (a wielder of magic), but the eighth son of a Wizard is a Sorcerer (a source of magic). Normally this is never a problem as Wizards tend to be too preoccupied with other things to worry about sex, but a powerful ex-wizard desires revenge on the Wizards and plans to use his eighth son to do it.


Ugh! This is definitely my least favorite of the series. BY FAR. The villain is just so bland and woefully underdeveloped. And since the crux of the story is focused on the villain I just could not bring myself to care.

The one thing I will say to its credit is that it introduces Coinia who is a pretty fun character.





9.

The Good Thief

by. Hannah Tinti

A young orphan dreams of the day when a family will adopt him, but because of his missing hand it seems like that’ll never happen. Yet one day a man shows up looking for him and claiming to be his long-lost brother. Now his dreams of family life are replaced with realities of thieves, murder, and mystery.


I’m not completely sure where I heard about this one. I think perhaps it was on some list of book recommendations and it sounded interesting?

Anyhoo, it was alright. There's a lot of interesting stuff in here. Though personally it just never grabbed me.





10.

We Are Become Pals

written by. Joey Comeau
illustrated by. Jess Fink

A story of two best friends.


As some of you might already know, Joey Comeau is one of my favorite authors. So, surprise! I think this book is pretty brilliant.

Especially since Jess Fink worked with him on it and she’s pretty awesome in her own right.





11.

Jennifer Government

by. Max Berry

In a near-future world where your job is such a part of your identity that it serves as your last name, a government agent tries to get to the bottom of a corporate sponsored killing.


Oh, Max Berry. He is such an intriguing author. He used to work in marketing so he has a deep understanding of that field and it really shows in his novels.

Overall I’d say the actual story is pretty bland and the characters aren’t the best, but the ideas at work in it are great. If you have an interest in marketing or media you should give his work a try sometime.





12.

After Dark

by. Haruki Murakami
translated by. Jay Rubin

A story about all the little stories that take place late at night in Tokyo.


Murakami is such an unusual author. So much so that I’m often hesitant to recommend him to people. But there’s just something about his work that is wonderfully unique. Reading one of his novels is like getting to walk through someone else’s dream. It’s strangely ethereal and yet beautiful.

As someone who is a night owl by heart this book really resounded with me. He expertly captures what it’s like to stay up late.





*   13.   *

Ant Farm

by. Simon Rich

A collection of jokes and skits.


I was reading some reviews of this and people were complaining that it wasn’t really a proper book and that it was just a collection of silly little jokes/skits.

And they’re right. But that’s what makes it so much fun! It is pretty short, and it is a collection of funny little skits. It’s like reading a brilliant sketch comedy show. And most importantly: It’s hilarious! I mean if I’m reading this near anybody they better watch out because I just want to read them all out loud and share them with everyone. They’re just that good.





14.

The Enemy

by. Lee Child

Military police officer Jack Reacher discovers he's being set-up while investigating the murder of an Army general. Someone high up in the military is going to extreme lengths to get what they want, but Reacher’s not about to go down without a fight.


This is the second Reacher novel I’ve read and I did not like it nearly as much as I did the first one. (The first one I read was One Shot). In this one Reacher is still in the military and one of the things I liked about him was that he was an unemployed drifter. Plus the villains were stupid and I just didn’t care. It wasn’t bad, but, jeez, compared to One Shot it was pretty darn disappointing.





15.

Alone Together:
Why We Expect More of Technology and Less of Each Other

by. Sherry Turkle

Sometimes a subtitle is a synopsis in and of itself, don’t you think?


Oh, jeez, this book is a good example of why I should really write these things right after I read them and not months after. To be honest I don’t really remember much about this book. Mainly I just remember that I was disappointed with it, as it didn’t really deal with the question of “Why we expect more of technology and less of each other” as much as it did with people’s relationships with technology?





*   [GN]   16.   [GN]   *

City of Light, City of Dark

written by. Avi
art by. Brian Floca

In the land where New York City now stands an ancient pact is still in place. Every year a human granted with special powers must find a hidden token of immense power and bring it as a tribute to the Kurds (ancient beings of darkness who own the lands). If the token isn’t given in tribute the Kurds will take back what is theirs. But this year a rich man yearns to find the token and use its powers for his own selfish ends and a young girl is only one who can stop him.


I’m honestly not sure where this book came from exactly, but it’s been floating about my house for the longest time!

It’s a fun story though. I recently donated it to a book drive, so obviously I’m not saying it’s something you’re going to want to hang on to forever, but I’m definitely glad I read it. It's good YA fare.





*   [GN]   17.   [GN]   *

Batman:
Hush

written by. Jeph Loeb
pencils by. Jim Lee

No one is free from suspicion when a mysterious figure begins sabotaging Batman.

While not the best Batman story around, I really do have a lot of love for this one. Just like Loeb’s The Long Halloween, this one is not only a fun mystery, but also a great excuse to tour Batman’s rogues gallery. Plus did I mention it includes a Superman vs. Batman fight? Because it does! And it's a lot of fun.





[GN]   18. & 60.   [GN]

Avatar: The Last Airbender
The Rift (parts 2/3)

by. Gene Luen Yang
art by. Gurihiro

Toph has to confront both her father and Aang when they discover a shady Beifong mining operation on sacred Air nomad land.


This is the first one of the Avatar comics that I didn’t like. Toph is quite racist against Aang’s people in this one (not to mention a total ass to Aang). I get that she’s supposed to be hard-headed and despise tradition, but she’s gone through so much with Aang, and it just seemed absurd that she’d act like this. “Ugh who cares about traditions? Who cares that those traditions are clearly the only way you have to feel a connection with your family/friends/culture that were all slaughtered. Gosh, your people are all dead get with the times.”

I mean, really? Anyways, the whole thing bugged me.





19.

The Forever War

by. Joe Haldeman

A race of aliens is discovered and soon after humanity is at war. The only problem is that the aliens exist thousands of light years away and the only way to get there quickly is through wormholes. However, because of relativity, a couple years in the life of the soldiers travelling at near lightspeed is centuries for the people of Earth. Needless to say, this is going to be a complicated war.


While this book is far from perfect (it was written in the 70s and some of the ignorance of the time are apparent), I have to give it a lot of credit for using ideas of relativity to ask some really interesting questions about space travel.

Just think about it. You’d send out a ship of soldiers on a mission and by the time they got there their technology would be a 100 years outdated. Eventually after multiple groups being sent out over the years you’d end up with soldiers from the same place, but who couldn’t understand one another because they were born 1,000 years apart and their culture and languages would have changed so much.

And what about diplomacy? Everyone would have been at war for generations, and diplomatic talks would all have the same challenges. For instance, how can you condemn an action one group has taken when to them that was their ancestors decision long ago?!





20.

The Fifty Year Sword

by. Mark Z. Danielewski

At a gathering a storyteller is asked to tell the children a story. A fairy tale of magic and vengeance, but perhaps it is more than just a story.


If you’re a fan of books written in atypical fashions than you need to start checking out the work of Mark Z. Danielewski. He was the author of the brilliant House of Leaves (a story that was told as a man’s notes on a film analysis of a documentary film about a family who discovers their house is somehow bigger on the inside than the outside). And he’s back at it here. This story features different colored lines of text and each color signifies a different speaker.

I think you’ll either love Danielewski or you’ll just be “What...the fuck am I reading?” Personally I get a kick out of it. He’s out there trying all sorts of crazy shit. Playing with text colors, formatting, story structures, just all sorts of new things. And the result is a story unlike anything you’ve ever read before. One that draws you in and forces you to be an active participant in the story whether you want to or not.





*   21.   *

Wyrd Sisters

by. Terry Pratchett

The story of a trio of witches who are forced to take action to put the rightful king into a position to assume the throne.


You know, when I was younger I remember that the witch stories were some of my least favorites in the Discworld series. But now? Now I’m finding them to be some of my absolute favorites. So go figure.

This one is probably the weakest of the witch stories though. It’s still pretty fun, just a little formulaic. Pratchett has yet to really figure out who the witches are and really use them to as expertly as he does later.





22.

The Rook

by. Daniel O’Malley

A woman wakes up in a park surrounded by dead bodies and no memories of who she is. She discovers a letter in her coat pocket from...herself. She learns that she is actually an administrator in a clandestine and supernatural agency (think bureaucratic X-men). What’s more, someone out there is trying to kill her and take over the agency. Now she must not only get to the traitor before they get to her, but she’s also going to have to hide her amnesia from everyone while she does it.


It’s a fun book, but there’s not a lot to it. I mean, I love mysteries and stories about super-powered individuals and it’s got plenty of that. It’s just that the story itself is rather lazy. For instance there’s one part where the author basically just straight up says that the agency is organized in a frankly idiotic fashion because it sounds “cool.” I mean, essentially the author just poked their head in occasionally to say, “Sure this doesn’t make sense, but whatever. It sounds so cool!”





*   23.   *

Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges into Minnesota

by. The Bathroom Reader's Institute

A collection of short Minnesota facts, trivia, and anecdotes suitable for reading while sitting on a toilet.


This is another one of those books that I have no idea how I ended up with. But who doesn't enjoy trivia?


*   24.   *

Death by Black Hole:
And Other Cosmic Quandaries

by. Neil DeGrasse Tyson

A collection of astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s essays dealing with such cosmic topics as “What would really happen if you entered a black hole?,” “Astronomy mistakes is cinema,” “How sticks and rocks can show us the basics of astrophysics,” and more!


Neil DeGrasse Tyson has that rare ability to be both scientifically minded and adept at explaining complex ideas in a way that anyone can understand them.





25.

The Lies of Locke Lamora

by. Scott Lynch

An orphan is adopted by a con artist and made a part of the infamous Gentleman Bastards gang, but when a brutal coup in the underworld threatens their livelihoods, it’s up to the Bastards to save the day.


Much like The Rook this book creates a very interesting world full of intriguing characters, but the story just stumbles around in it. It’s very much an “And Then” story.

I can never remember if that’s a common term or not? In case it’s not, you know when you’re telling your friend about what happened to you at work today and it sounds like, “And then I did this, And Then this other thing happened! etc...”? Stories sound that way when we’re trying to get strings of events across to others, and not necessarily trying to create a narrative. And therein lies the difference between a rehearsed Story and a simple depiction of events. A well-written story makes the action seem natural by creating a seamless narrative.

So yeah, there was a lot of interesting elements in here, but I just couldn’t get into the story, because it struck me as to disjointed.

Also there was only a handful of female characters and they refrigeratored one! UGh.





26.

Red Dragon

by. Thomas Harris

The FBI begs Will Graham, the man who was able to catch Hannibal Lecter, to try and get his help to catch a new serial killer. But in order to get back in the heads of criminals, Will’s going to need to face the man who nearly killed him.


So I’m kind of obsessed with NBC’s show Hannibal by Bryan Fueller. After the thrilling end of season 2 I needed a Hannibal fix so I decided I would go read all the Hannibal books! Huzzah!

It’s kind of weird reading the books as their descriptions don’t match the shows actors (which now have become the standards in my head). So, for instance, there’s a passage where the character Jack Crawford is said to have long pale arms, and I’m thinking, “That doesn’t sound like Laurence Fishburne at all!”





[GN]   27.   [GN]

Problem Sleuth, book 2:
This is Complete BS

by. Andrew Hussie

Imagine a comic about detectives that was written as a sort of text-adventure wherein internet-user-submitted commands are what moves the story along. Now imagine it going slowly going from slightly silly to wonderful madness.

That’s Problem Sleuth.


Problem Sleuth is a webcomic and you can read it for free! Actually it’s one of those rare webcomics that actually works better online, because it makes use of GIFs and saving your place and other fun stuff. But I like reading long things on paper, so whatever!

I have a love of the old text-adventure / point&click adventure games, so I really enjoy this series. But the easiest way to decide if you like it is to just go to the site and check it out. You’ll find out pretty quick if it’s up your alley or not.





28.

Oryx and Crake

by. Margaret Atwood

In a ravaged version of the world we once knew, possibly the only human survivor lives in the woods, looking after the strange new sentient creatures that are his last connection to his former life and reminiscing about his role in the end of the world.


A friend recommended this one to me and I’m glad they did because it was pretty great. I love how it weaves between this fucked up world and the past one and creates this wonderful mystery where you’re dying to know what happened.





*   29.   * 

Pyramids

by. Terry Pratchett

A young man studying at the Assassin’s guild is called back home to take on the role of Pharaoh after his father dies. The only problem is that he has no idea how to be a Pharaoh.


Pyramids is probably one of the better of the early Discworlds...technically. It has a much better story structure than most of them, but it’s definitely not one of the most memorable.





30.

Mary Poppins

by. P. L. Travers

If you actually need a synopsis for Mary Poppins, then I feel a little bad for you.


I figured it was finally time to read the book the inspired the movie. Much to my surprise I think I vastly prefer the book! Don’t get me wrong, Julie Andrew’s Mary Poppins is delightful, but book Poppins is just so great. Case in point, this quote:
“Jane and Michael kept out of her way as much as possible, for they knew that there were times when it was better not to be seen or heard by Mary Poppins.

‘I wish we were invisible,’ said Michael, when Mary Poppins had told him that the very sight of him was more than any self-respecting person could be expected to stand.

Brilliant.





31.

The Year of the Flood

by. Margaret Atwood

The sequel to Oryx and Crake, about the lives of two women who managed to survive both before and after the fall of mankind.


I didn’t enjoy this one nearly as much as I did Oryx and Crake. It was alright though. Atwood does a great job at creating a really interesting world and characters. It just lacked that hooking sense of doom and mystery that the first one.





[GN]   32.   [GN]

Scott Pilgrim, vol.4 (color edition)

by. Bryan Lee O’Malley
colors by. Nathan Fairbain


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you’re a Scott Pilgrim fan you gotta check out these color editions. They are so frickin’ pretty! Normally I’m against people coloring comics that were intended to be Black&White, but Fairbairn’s work is so bloody fabulous. I’m loving these new editions.





33.

The Name of the Wind

by. Patrick Rothfuss

A scribe manages to convince a broken innkeeper to tell him the story of his life: the story of the most notorious magician the world has ever seen.


My roommate recommended this book to me and I can see why he really likes this series, but it just wasn’t for me. The main character just has a really bad case of “I’m the most amazing person ever and excel and everything I do!” And it’s hard to care about what happens to someone like that. I much preferred the bits where he was a broken innkeeper and not as an upstart kid. And I've gotta admit I am quite curious about what happened to him to end up like that.





34.

The Silence of the Lambs

by. Thomas Harris

When a serial killer kidnaps a senator’s daughter the FBI starts to get desperate.  Agent-in-training Clarice Starling is asked to visit the notorious cannibal Hannibal Lecter in prison and try to get his help on the case.


In case you were like me and had only ever seen the movie: the movie was very true to the book. So there you go. Overall, I think I prefer the movie, but the book is definitely very well done. It has that same edge of creepiness that the film did. To me The Silence of the Lambs is one of the best depictions of the horrifying misogyny of our society. I mean, sure, the serial killers are freaky, but it’s that air of, “Oh my God, something horrible is going to happen to this poor woman! What kind of fucked up world is this!” that really freaks me out.





35.

Color:
A Natural History of the Palette

by. Victoria Finlay

A look at different colors and the history of those colors of paint.


There’s a lot of really interesting stuff in this book. Though, it was hard to get through some parts, because the author likes to talk a lot about herself and share her own personal anecdotes way too much. I just wanna know about the history of paint colors, darnit!





36.

Hannibal

by. Thomas Harris

7 years after the events in The Silence of the Lambs, epicurean cannibal Hannibal Lecter is on the run and a more mature Clarice Starling is on the trail.


My roommate tells me that after The Silence of the Lambs Thomas Harris didn’t actually want to write any more books about Hannibal Lecter, but he was told that if he didn’t the movie studios were just going to start making Hannibal movies without him. So he wrote Hannibal and Hannibal Rising, but made them kind of inherently ridiculous as a big F.U. to the studios.

I haven’t actually gone out and confirmed this information, but I like thinking that it’s true, because the story definitely takes some weird turns and it’s nice to think they were intentionally bizarre instead of faults.

It doesn’t have the same edge as the first two did, but if you’re a fan of the franchise then I think you’ll enjoy it all the same. Plus it helps you understand NBC’s Hannibal all the more! And isn’t that what really matters here?





[GN]   37.   [GN]

Epileptic

by. David B.

A graphic novel memoir about the author’s life and his experiences with his severely epileptic brother.


Overall, this graphic novel wasn’t my cup of tea, to be honest. That being said, I have a lot of respect for it. It contains a powerful story that adroitly uses its art to get across very complex feelings and emotions, which in turn creates a very engaging tale of how disease and misfortune can take leading roles in our lives.

My problems with it stem mostly from the fact that it can be a bit long-winded at times, especially in the middle of the book. In those moments I’d find myself getting rather bored, as it was his emotional journey that I found the most interesting and not the minutia of his life story.






38.

Me, The Missing, and the Dead

by. Jenny Valentine

I’m sorry to say that I don’t remember anything about this book! But the back of the book says:
Me: Lucas Swain—I'm nearly sixteen years old and live in London. I was fairly normal until the night I found Violet. Then everything changed.

The Missing: Dad. He disappeared five years ago. Nobody knows what happened to him, and nobody cares except me. It's enough to drive you crazy.

The Dead: That's Violet . . . in the urn. Speaking of crazy—I know she's trying to tell me something, and I think it's about my father. . . .

A dead lady may not be much to go on, but my dad's out there somewhere, and it's up to me to find out where.”


So, yeah. All I can say about this book is that it is extremely forgettable.





39.

Audition

by. Ryu Murakami
translated by. Ralph McCarthy


A widower who lives alone with his young son decides it’s time to remarry. In a terribly creepy move, he holds auditions for a movie he never intends to make with the idea of using them to scout potential wives. He soon becomes infatuated with a ballerina with a mysterious past, but like his audition, she’s not as innocent as she seems.


Do you like stories that are 150 pages of weird/sexist love story, 20 pages of random happenings, and 20 pages of brutal yet slightly wacky violence? Do you enjoy characters whose motivations don’t really make any sense? How about books where dogs named “Gangsta” make you wonder about what kind of liberties the translator was taking?

If you answered YES to one or all of these questions, then, my friend, this is the book for you.






40.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs:
A Low Culture Manifesto

by. Chuck Klosterman

A collection of short essays revolving around low culture.


This book was sort of a mixed bag. While Some of these essays tons of fun and I loved, some of them seem kind of petty and mean and made me uncomfortable.





41-44*, 46-47*, 49-50*, 52*, 55-56

A Series of Unfortunate Events

by. Lemony Snicket
illustrations by. Brett Helquist

The tale of the Baudelaire orphans and the wicked Count Olaf who will stop at nothing to get their fortune.


If you’re looking for a happy story full of sunshine and youthful exuberance, a word which here means “lots of skipping and giggling,” then these are not the books for you. However, if you’re in the mood for a dark tale of obstinate orphans, abominable actors, and woeful wordplay, then you should definitely give these books a try.

Yes, they’re kids books, and sure, they’ve been out for over a decade now, but the Series of Unfortunate Events books still crack me up. No other children’s series lampoons adulthood so thoroughly as Snicket does here. The Baudelaire’s massive misfortunes are more often caused not by the fiendish Count Olaf’s clever crimes, but by their various caretakers’ utter lack of common sense and their refusal to take the children seriously. Their woeful ineptitude continues to emotionally scar and endanger the 3 protagonists at every turn. Now if that’s not a brilliant metaphor for parenthood then I don’t know what is.

It’s definitely a very style-centric series though, so if you’re not into the style of it then you're just not going to like them. But give it a try and see what you think.





[GN]   45.   [GN]

Brain Camp

written by. Susan Kim & Laurence Klavan
art by. Faith Erin Hicks

A summer camp claims to be able to turn anyone into a child prodigy. However, when misfits Jenna and Lucas are sent there they realize that there’s something not right about the camp. Something dangerously not right.


Overall it was an alright YA kind of story. BUT the reveal was just way too bizarre. Just...way too bizarre.





48.

Hannibal Rising

by. Thomas Harris

The story of the origin of Hannibal Lecter.


I’ve heard a lot of bad things about The Silence of the Lambs sequels, but actually this one isn’t that bad. I mean...I can definitely see how Thomas Harris was screwing around with the story [citation needed] as there are some parts that are really quite ridiculous, but still! Still enjoyable.





51.

Wild:
From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

by. Cheryl Strayed

The memoir of a woman whose life was in pieces and decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail as a way of putting her life in perspective.


I have a lot of trouble trying to describe this on its own, because I just can’t help but compare it to Bill Bryson’s book A Walk in the Woods, which is a far superior book. Not that this book is bad, but it just isn’t as good.

Her story is an interesting one though. But I’ve gotta say that multiple times during this account I was thinking, “She is straight up dangerously stupid.” I mean, she decided to do this epic undertaking with what amounts to ZERO hiking/camping experience. She didn’t know how to properly use her supplies and she didn’t even have properly fitting shoes. She got EXTREMELY lucky, because a number of times her ignorance very nearly killed her.





53.

The Incredible Journey

by. Sheila Burnford
illustrations by. Carl Burger

A group of animals think their master has abandoned them when he leaves them in another’s care to go on a vacation. They then undertake an epic journey to try and reunite with him.


So when I found out that the movie Homeward Bound was based on a book I just had to read it. Interestingly, unlike the movie, in the book the animals don’t have any dialogue. Their emotions and intentions and such are just described and that’s all.

Overall I really liked it. It’s a very unique sort of read.





*   54.   *

Fantastic Mr. Fox

by. Roald Dahl
illustrations by. Donald Chaffin

Families of woodland creatures try to survive after Mr. Fox wages war on local farmers.


Okay, right off the bat I want to take a moment to say that it’s really weird to read a Roald Dahl book that wasn’t illustrated by Quentin Blake. I mean, in my mind at least, Blake’s illustrations are synonymous with Dahl’s stories. And there is a Blake version out there. So really, if you ever want to read this book you should find that version.

In any case, I couldn’t remember much about this one, so I figured I’d refresh my memory. Generally I’m a big Dahl fan, but this one just isn’t for me. It mostly comes back to the fact that I just don’t like Mr. Fox. I mean, sure, the farmers are assholes, but Mr. Fox is a straight up thief. And a really pompous one at that.





55.

Orange is the New Black:
My Year in a Women’s Prison

by. Piper Kerman

The memoir of a well-to-do woman who was put into prison for a year after a drug trafficking charge from her past caught up to her.


After getting hooked on the Netflix series I was curious what the book was like. I liked it, but I think what I liked most about it was seeing how it fit into the show. So take from that what you will.





58.

Lexicon

by. Max Berry

A story about secret group who have mastered the art of language and persuasion and use it to control others, the woman who would destroy them, and a man on the run from them.


If you have an interest in communications and marketing, Max Berry is always an interesting read. But I was completely unprepared for this book. It is by far his best work to date. I was just completely won over by it. It takes a Science fiction/superhero kind of approach to the simple idea that Persuasion is the ultimate skill. No matter what field you work in, the art of persuasion is one we all use in every part of our lives. Which creates a lot of fascinating scenarios regarding the ethical ramifications of persuasive exploitation.





[GN]   59, 63, 66, 68   [GN]

Concrete, (vol. 1-4)

by. Paul Chadwick

After being in the wrong place at the wrong time a man’s mind is put inside the body of a rock creature. Now he struggles to find a way to take advantage of his new body and use it to do something no one else can.


This is a really hard series to describe properly, because there really isn’t any parallel I can link it to. I suppose it’s part of that whole reinvention of superhero comics movement that was going on in the late 80’s. Comics like Alan Moore’s Watchmen were introducing an element of dark and gritty realism into the cartoony world of superheros. And Paul Chadwick was doing something similar here. With Concrete he took a completely fantastical idea and once he established it, he dealt with it completely seriously.

What would a person with such a body do? How would they feel? How would the world respond to and treat them?

I mean, Concrete doesn’t fight crime. Concrete just does...stuff? He tries to swim across oceans, climb mountains, make movies, do farm work, bodyguard work, and more.

It’s a very unusual series to be sure. But if you’re looking for a very different sort of comic here you go!





60.

The Fault in Our Stars

by. John Green

A romance about two young people who meet in a cancer support group.


I kept hearing people mention this one so I figured I would see what all the fuss was about. Plus Romance tends to be a genre that gets neglected in my readings.

While I don’t really think the book was as good as all the hype around it suggested, I did enjoy it nevertheless. Nothing too far off the beaten YA romance path, but the writing was well done and there’s a number of poignant lines like:

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.





[GN]   62.   [GN]

Seconds

by. Bryan Lee O’Malley

A stressed restaurant owner discovers a way to fix any mistake she’s made, but learns that running from your mistakes can have dire consequences.


First of all, let me just say that the artwork in seconds was absolutely wonderful. The character design, the coloring, everything was just fantastic.

Unfortunately, however, the problem is that the actual story failed to live up to the artwork’s level of quality.

While the plot line is far from original, the biggest problem by far was that O’Malley’s quirky charm was frequently lost in a sea of endless narration that attempted to tell you everything that he should have been showing you instead. It’s like watching a movie with a friend who insists on trying to point every little thing out and explain everything to you (even though you never asked) and you end up spending the whole thing just wishing they would shut up so you could watch it for yourself.

One of the side effects being that the characters never seem quite real or very endearing. Instead they just come across like actors hired to act out narration.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Your Little Teacup



Once upon a time
In a land far away
Lived your silly little teacup
who had gone astray.


“Tea is for saps,”
He said with a scoff
As he turned his back on your home
and then headed on off.


He wandered for days
Until he reached a strange new land,
That was coarse and was hot
And was covered in sand.


He got lost in its depths
As the heat made him itchy and dry.
While the chill of the nights
Made him just want to cry.


Day after day 
the rough sands wore him right down.
He looked back on his life
And he gave a little frown.


“You know,” he conceded,
“I don't miss the tea,
But I must admit that...

I've rather missed you.”


Then he cracked,

        and he croaked,

                and he fell into two.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Fresh Prince of the Antarctic



Now this is a story all about,

How my coworkers all got flip-turned inside out.

And I’d like to take a minute,

as the star of the flick,

I’ll tell you how an alien crashed my party in the Antarctic.



In West Antarctica, bored and glazed.

A helicopter was where I spent most of my days.

Chessin’ up maxin’ puttin’ whiskey in my face

Until we had to shoot those Norwegians outside of the base.


We flew up to their crib saw something was amiss,

An alien was making trouble we just couldn’t dismiss.

The dogs got in one little fight and we all got scared.

We said, “That thing’s not natural, we’d all best beware!”



We had to be careful cause if it came near

It could copy our flesh

And look like us in the mirror.

If anything I could say that this thing was rare

But I thought, “Nah, let’s kill it!

…Yo what happened to Blair!?


We-pulled-up to find our rides in dismantled state,

So with nowhere to run, I yelled to my homies,

“Yo, let's blow this place into a crater!”



I looked at the ruins and felt a nip in the air.

I might freeze to death,

but (hopefully) that damn alien just couldn't compare.


Now I'll sit right here and remind y'all not to be too greedy.

So, sayin' a prayer, signin' off, this is pilot R.J. MacReady.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Valentines 2014


I just realized that I never made a post of all the Valentines I made this year! Ugh, I'm a terrible blogger. But better late than never, right?
















Sunday, March 16, 2014

Movie List 2013: Roundup

The continuing list of all the movies I watched this year.

* = rewatch


Be Warned: I might have let an occasional curse word slip through, because I just love movies so freakin' much!






160.

MI2

I think it was about secret agent Ethan Hunt trying to prevent a deadly virus from being unleashed on the world by terrorists.

Genre: Mask-heavy Action


I've been meaning to see Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol for awhile, mostly just because Brad Bird directed it, but I've never gotten around to it. This is in large part because the only Mission Impossible movie I've seen is the first one and it seems wrong to just skip 3 movies. So when I noticed that all the MI movies were on Netflix I figured this was my chance!

Long story short: I did not like this movie and Tom Cruise needs to get a haircut.



“If you look at Hunt's operational history, and I have, you'll notice that he invariably favors misdirection over confrontation.”






161.

MST3K:
Pod People

A poacher murdering alien! A dorky child who should really stop bringing wildlife home with him! A terrible musical group on a vacation in the woods with a hippie no one likes! All this AND MORE!

Genre: MST3K


This is by far my all-time favorite episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I shouldn't have to say anything more than that.

And I won't!



“Look, mom! Trumpy does stupid things!”






162.

Mission: Impossible III

Secret agent Ethan Hunt comes out of retirement to take down an elusive crime lord, but the mission goes awry and the crime lord kidnaps Hunt's wife to get revenge.

Genre: Secret agent Action


The thing you really walk away from this movie with is Philip Seymour Hoffman's (R.I.P.) performance. He really knocked this one out of the park. Holy crap. He is such a great villain.

I had a good time watching this one. My roommate said that he was disappointed that the stakes were much lower than in the previous movies, but I don't agree. I don't really like the Bond-style action series where the same secret agent keeps getting called in to prevent some global threat. I mean, really, it starts to get ridiculous after awhile. I liked that this time the stakes weren't high for the world, but they were high for the character.

This time: it's personal.
^ Much to its discredit they don't actually say this in the movie.



“Who are you? What's your name? Do you have a wife? A girlfriend? Because if you do, I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna hurt her. I'm gonna make her bleed, and cry, and call out your name. And then I'm gonna find you, and kill you right in front of her.”






163.

Mission: Impossible
Ghost Protocol

When the Impossible Mission Force gets shut down secret agent Ethan Hunt and his team must go rogue in order to prevent a madman from starting WWIII.

Genre: Secret Agent Action


This movie is a lot of fun. I'd say it is definitely the best of the bunch...well, maybe it's a tie, I do have a lot of nostalgic love for the first one after all. But still!

Brad Bird, for those of you who don't know, is the writer/director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, & Ratatouille. As well as a key player with The Simpsons back in its glory days. In short: Brad Bird is wicked sexy.

This movie's got just the right mix of humor, action, gadgets, explosions, and fun. You really don't have to have watched all the movies to enjoy this one (even though I insisted on doing just that). And I highly recommend you give it a try. I mean, it's a movie directed by Brad Bird and wherein Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg act together! What more do you want!?



Next time, I get to seduce the rich guy.”






*   164.   *

Star Wars Episode IV:
A New Hope


I.






*   165.   *

Star Wars Episode V:
The Empire Strikes Back


LOVE.






*   166.   *

Star Wars Episode VI:
Return of the Jedi


STAR WARS!






*   167.   *

So I Married an Axe Murderer

A commitment-phobic beat poet falls in love with a beautiful butcher. However, he starts thinking that she might be the infamous ax murdering black widow he's read about in the papers! Is he once again trying to find an excuse to cut and run from a serious relationship or is he really on to something?

Genre: Mike Meyers Romantic Comedy


I went to my friend Lonnie's and had him pick a movie to watch at random and this is what I got.

I've actually seen this one before and wasn't a big fan, but I've gotta admit that seeing it with someone who loves it makes it much more enjoyable than watching it alone in your room (which is how I saw it the first time). Mike Meyers gets a little too Mike Meyersy at times and they never explain how he makes any money considering all we see him do is read beat poetry at a cafe's open mic night...and especially since he only seems to have one poem.

Here's a weird tidbit for you, Michael Richards has a cameo in this movie wherein he actually yells “I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying for!” Which is really a weird thing to see considering his later transgressions.

Also Phil Hartman has a wonderful cameo in this movie!



“You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called Fuk-Yu. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.”






*   168.   *

Lilo & Stitch

On the Hawaiian island of Kaua'i, a young woman becomes the guardian of her little sister Lilo after their parents die in a car crash. The sisters struggle in the face of their tragedy to prove to child protective services that they can create a home environment suitable for Lilo so she won't be taken away. And if things weren't already hard enough, it turns out their new dog is actually an escaped alien biological experiment.

Genre: Heart-warming Animated Comedy


Lilo & Stitch is my favorite Disney movie. Heck, it ranks right up there with my favorite movies of all time.

It's adorable, it's funny, it's weird, it gives you the feels in all the right places, the characters are all wonderful, the designs and the style are amazing, it's just a wonderful movie in every aspect.



“This is your badness level. It's unusually high for someone your size. We have to fix that.”






*   169.   *

A Goofy Movie

Goofy's teenage son Max is embarrassed by his dad (for good reason) and wants to get out from under his shadow. Yet this causes Goofy to feel that he and Max are drifting apart and thus decides to take him on a road trip to go fishing. Max, however, has other plans.

Genre: Animated comedy about fathers and sons.


My friend made me a copy of this movie and gave it to me as a birthday present. Unfortunately something didn't quite go right, because the film routinely lagged and it got so bad at the end that the Powerline concert is unwatchable.

But I got to see most of it (and I've seen it before), so it was still fun. If Brave is the animated movie all about Mother/Daughter bonds, A Goofy Movie is the equivalent for Father/Sons.

Ever since my roommate Nick pointed out that pretty much all the problems in comedies are caused by a lack of communication, I can't help but noticing that he makes a good point. Pretty much every single problem in this movie would be solved if Max and Goofy would just talk to one another.

“Dad, I know you really want to go fishing this weekend, but I've had a crush on this girl in my class for the longest time and I finally got up the courage to ask her if she'd go to the big party this weekend and she said Yes! Please, can we put off the camping trip? This is really important to me.”

“Well, gawrsh, son. I understand. I was young once too, hyuck [awkard wink & nudge]. We can just go next weekend.”

Bam! Roll credits.

But instead no one listens to anyone / says what's on their mind and subsequently many shenanigans ensue.

Anyways, it's a pretty great movie in spite of that.



“You look just like I did at your age.”

“Please don't say that, Dad.”






*   170.   *

Spirited Away

A young girl and her parents investigate a strange abandoned theme park, but end up getting trapped in a world of spirits. Now it's up to her to save her parents from being eaten and escape back to the human world.

Genre: Imaginative Animated Adventure


I watched this one on Thanksgiving and I don't care what anyone else says, this is definitely an appropriate movie for Thanksgiving. It's got family, it's got people gorging themselves on food, it's got themes of being thankful for what you have, it's got it all.

People often tell me this is their favorite Miyazaki movie and I can't blame them. It's visually beautiful, incredibly imaginative, the music is brilliant. Personally I like a number of Ghibli movies more, but it's still a fantasy tour de force full of truly imaginative visuals.



“Oh, my baby! Are you all right? Are you emotionally traumatized?”






*   171.   *

Disney's
Robin Hood

A fox and a bear get loot from a lion, pester a python, and bother a badger in order to help oppressed townsfolk.

Genre: Disney Animation


This was one of those Disney movies I'd watch again and again as a kid and I can see why. As much as I love Disney classics, I'd get burned out pretty quick if I watched most of them too frequently. However, there's just something about this one. The jokes are more laid back and the songs are more subtle and less grandiose. It might not have the huge sweeping moments that something like Beauty & The Beast has, but that means you don't have to invest as much in it.

This isn't sounding very much like praise, is it? I mean all this in a complimentary way! It's just a wonderfully laid-back Disney movie that you can just sit back and enjoy.



“Robin  Hood and Little John/
Running through the forest/
Jumping fences, dodging trees/
trying to get away.

Contemplating nothing but escaping/
finally making it./
Oo-da-lally, Oo-da-lally/
Golly what a day.”






172. 174.

The Legend is Born: Ip Man
Ip Man
Ip Man 2

Tales of the legendary martial arts master Ip Man.

Genre: Martial Arts


My roommate stumbled across these Ip Man movies on Netflix and said I should watch them and so I did!

The first one I watched (The Legend is Born) is the story of Ip Man before he had become a master. It wasn't very interesting.

Ip Man is a ton of fun. There's some really amazing fight scenes. Which is kind of the key to a great martial arts movie.

Lastly, Ip Man 2 is a lot of fun and has some great fights too, but overall had a much goofier feel than the others.






175.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2

After being left unchecked the FLDSMDFR has turned Swallow Falls into an island of food inhabited by sentient food creatures. Now Flynn and his friends are asked to help eccentric scientist turn off the machine.

Genre: Animated Adventure


When I first heard they were making a Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs movie I was aghast. It seemed like Hollywood once again was trying to cash in on a famous book, despite the fact that it's a book without any real plot to speak of. However, they proved me wrong and it was great. So I was pretty excited to see how they did in the sequel.

You know what? I might go as far as to say that I like this one more than I did the first one. The lost world of food they make is impossibly fun and the puns...oh the puns! So much fun.



“There's a leek in the boat!”






176.

Frozen

Two sisters struggle to reconnect after ice powers and dead parents get in the way of their relationship.

Genre: Disney Animation


Remember when people could just not like a movie instead of creating a shield of social judgment to hide behind? I swear, I keep running into people on the internet who love ripping into this movie and none of them have legitimate reasons. I have yet to hear one person who just didn't like it because it wasn't really their thing (which would be a perfectly acceptable reason). It's maddening!

Is Frozen a perfect movie? No. Are there some valid criticisms about it? Yes, of course. But that can be said of every movie out there. If you're waiting for a perfect movie then you're going to be waiting for a long time. The important thing is that Frozen represents a solid step in the right direction. I love that this is a Disney movie about princesses, but the story is about the relationship between sisters and not about romance. In fact it openly mocks many of the tropes we've come to associate with the princess genre. It's a breath of fresh air.

Not to mention that the whole thing is a very clever take on Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. I love how they made it about sisters instead of a couple and their take on the Mirror of the story was extremely clever.

This is the first Disney movie in quite some time that's captured that wonderful feel of the Disney movies of the old days. The song's are all great (well, I'm not a big fan of the troll song, but whatever), the characters are fantastic, the comic relief character was actually a lot of fun for once, and the whole thing just makes you feel like a kid again.



“Do you wanna build a snowman?”






*   177.   *

Street Fighter

A random assortment of weird people try to stop an evil dictator from being so evil.

Genre: Video game turned movie


It was my roommate Nick's birthday and his birthday wish was to watch Street Fighter and Mystery Men with his roommates. So who are we to deny such a simple request?

In other news this movie incredibly dumb. No movie makes you want to watch Mortal Kombat more. Because sure Mortal Kombat is ridiculous, but it's got the game at in its heart. Street Fighter tries to turn a fighting game into a more realistic secret-agent style movie and it's just dumb.



“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life.

But for me, it was Tuesday.”






*   178.   *

Mystery Men

After the city's top superhero goes missing it's up to a group of wannabe superheros to save the city from a nefarious super villain.

Genre: Superhero comedy


There's a lot of parts of this movie that I like, but when it comes right down to it I just don't care for it. There's just something about the style of everything that puts me off.



“Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.”






179.

The Selling

A real estate agent looking to make some easy money buys a cheap house and hopes to be able to flip it for a tidy profit, however, it turns out the reason it was so cheap is because it's haunted. Now he's stuck trying to sell a haunted house and the ghosts of the house are not making things easy on him.

Genre: Horror parody


Is there a term for when a movie feels like “a movie” and not an immersive story? Like when the lines feel like a script and the events feel like plot beats? If there isn't there really should be, because this movie's got a case of that. But it is a low-budget indie movie, so I really can't hold that against them.

In any case it's a fun movie and I enjoyed it so who cares! There's a number of clever ideas and great jokes here. Plus special shout out to actress Etta Devine who is hilarious and makes this movie.



“What do we need a goat for anyways?”

“...I don't know.”






*   180.   *

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Harry Potter fights a nasty man!

Genre: Wizards Wizards Wizards!


Oddly, it's been quite a long while since I've seen this one without the Wizard People, Dear Reader audio on. Frankly I kind of missed it. It's just not nearly as good without it. I don't really like the Chris Columbus HP movies very much. It's like they capture the look of the books, but not the feel? I don't know. Something like that.



“You're a wizard, Harry!”






*   181.   *

The Princess Bride

Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles, & MORE!

Genre: Brilliant


This has got to be one of the most quotable movies of all time if not The Most quotable. I mean, holy crap, every line is gold.

I feel like a fool telling you about The Princess Bride. If you haven't watched it then you have serious issues and you should get out there and start enjoying the good things in life.



“You're wonderful.”

“Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.”






*   182.   *

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter fights a big ol' snake!

Genre: Wizard Fantasy for kids


Really, I have to say these movies only get better as they go on. These first two are super dorky and awkward. They try to squeeze everything from the books into the movie and the result is rather jumbled and not very streamlined.



“Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house elf in my bedroom.”






*   183.   *

National Lampoon's
Christmas Vacation

Clark Griswald tries to throw a fun old-fashioned family Christmas, but unfortunately for him, nothing goes according to plan when family is involved.

Genre: Christmas Classic


One of the greatest Christmas movies ever made. Also, in my opinion, one of the most accurate depictions of family interaction.

ALSO I got to see this on the big screen this year when a local library put on a special showing of it as a fund-raiser. So double score!



“Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”






*   184.   *

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter fights a creepy rat!

Genre: Magical Murder Mystery


This is where the HP movies start to get a lot better. Actually, this one is one of my favorites in the series. I mean, it's got Gary Oldman in it! You gotta love it for that. Plus there's dementors and all sorts of other dark shit. HP is always at its best when shit gets dark.



“Oh yeah...well, Harry's got a sort of wonky cross...that's trials and suffering. And, uh, that there could be the sun, and that's happiness, so...you're gonna suffer...but you're gonna be happy about it.”






*   185.   *

Atlantis:
The Lost Empire

A nerdy archaeologist is asked to join an expedition to find the lost city of Atlantis, but it turns out this mission is trying to find the city for all the wrong reasons.

Genre: Animated flop


Can someone please explain to me how a Disney animated movie starring Michael J. Fox, Jim Varney, Leonard Nimoy, John Mahoney, et al. could be this bad?



“We done a lot of things we're not proud of: Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking. But, nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt, but nobody we knew.”






*   186.   *

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter fights a handsome classmate!

Genre: Magical kids in the world's most deadly school


Ah yeah, the movies are starting to get good now! Well, if I'm being honest, they really rushed the story in this one so it doesn't really work the level it does in the book, but at least now they're getting the feel and the visuals closer to the mark.

Plus, I know this is so minor, but I thought their mermaid designs were really interesting. I loved how the fins were orientated like a fish's and not like a dolphin's.

Also, does any one else find it hilarious that Edward Cullen, aka Robert Pattinson, is in this? And as Harry's opponent no less?

Oh, did I mention that Ralph Fiennes finally shows up in this movie? Because he does! Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort is so enjoyable to watch. He plays Voldemort as very detached and other-worldly, which strikes me as slightly odd, but it's really fun to see him in this role regardless.



“Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?”






187.

The Hobbit:
The Desolation of Smaug

A group of vertically challenged men go on an adventure and learn the power of friendship...oh, and something about killing a dragon.

Genre: Adventure


I just went back to see what I had to say about the first movie last year and I discovered that it wasn't there! I saw that movie 3 times last year! (it was a the theater so it was free for me and people kept asking me if I wanted to go see it with them). Ugh. I am a failure at lists. Not even the first time that's happened.

In other news, I don't actually care for Tolkien very much. You need to know this because it relates to the fact that I don't actually care how true to the books the movies are. From what little I've heard from the hardcore Tolkien fans they did not like this movie at all. And if you are one of those people you can feel free to write off my opinions as the ravings of an obvious lunatic. I'm okay with that.

I like these movies and I liked this one a lot more than I did the first one. They seem like they're aimed more at kids than the LoTR movies were and it works better because of that. Plus the structure of this one was a lot more streamlined than An Unexpected Journey was; there's much less pointless filler bits.

Plus I thought they did a great job with Smaug, I like that they actually have some women in this one, I continue to enjoy seeing Martin Freeman as Bilbo, and the whole Necromancer storyline works a lot better in this movie than in the previous one. And it just comes down to the fact that it's just a fun adventure movie. They've got sweeping landscapes and crazy escapes and daring do and a Dragon! THERE'S A DRAGON IN THIS MOVIE!

I mean, if that's not enough then I just don't understand what you're looking for in a movie.



“There is something about you. Something you carry, something made of gold...but far more PRECIOUS.”






*   188.   *

Grumpy Old Men

Two old men are both neighbors and rivals (and deep down best friends). But things are brought to a head when a beautiful woman moves in across the street from them.

Genre: Old Man Buddy Comedy


Oh, Walter Matthau, you are adorable. I hope I can be half the crotchety old man that you are.

I love this movie for many reasons. It stars Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Ann-Margret, Burgess Meredith, and Daryl Hannah. Christopher McDonald plays a bad guy and his bad guys are always so much fun (see Happy Gilmore and The Iron Giant for further proof). It's about grumpy old men. It takes place in Minnesota. Did I mention it's about two grumpy old Minnesota guys?!

There is nothing not to love about this movie.



“You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?”

“Have you seen him?”

“The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.”

“Medication?”

“Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”






189.

Epic

A girl gets shrunken down because of reasons and is tasked to make sure a flower bud doesn't fall into the wrong hands so that it can blossom into a new queen of the forest.

Genre: Animated Adventure


I don't even know what to say about this. It's basically a modern take on Fern Gully.

I love the idea of this movie, but I don't really care for the execution. I also didn't really like any of the characters. I didn't hate them, but I really wouldn't have cared if anyone had died. Let's put it that way.

So yeah, interesting ideas, fun visuals, & lackluster characters/plot. But there was no “wacky” Robin Williams bat, so it definitely has that going for it.



“Many leaves, one tree. We're all individuals, but we're still connected. No one's alone.”






*   190.   *

Grumpier Old Men

A new woman in town and a wedding in the works reignites the old rivalry between two grumpy old men.

Genre: Comedy starring adorable seniors


This one not only has all the great things about the first one, but it also has Sophia Loren!

Overall, I'd say the first movie has a stronger story arc, but this one is still tons of fun.



“I am the gangster of love.”

“Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?”

“Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”






191.

Mystery Science Theater 3000:
I Accuse My Parents

An old movie that was made in an attempt to scare people into paying more attention to their kids.

Genre: MST3K


God, this is a weird movie to end my year on, but there you have it.

There's a bunch of MST3K movie's on Netflix so I figured I'd watch one I had never seen before. I always prefer the ones where the movie would be entertainingly bad in it's own right (as opposed to the unwatchably bad) and this definitely falls into that category.

I guess it was supposed to be some moralistic teaching video about how parents should be invested in their kids' lives? But oddly it kind of works against that theory, because this kids' parents weren't that bad (all things considered) and this kid CLEARLY had a good moral compass, he was just unbelievably DUMB. He 100% should have known better, doofy alcoholic parents or not.

A shady man wants you to deliver packages for him and not ask what you're delivering? And he'll pay you a lot to do it? Why, that doesn't sound the least bit suspicious/illegal, right!

And in the courtroom this kid's defense is honest-to-God that it's his parents fault. Hey, kid, let me tell you something. If that was a legitimate defense you'd better believe EVERYONE would be using it.



“Li-ar! Li-ar! Li-ar!”




2013 Totals

Total # of movies: 190
(I know the list says 191, but I accidentally listed both times I watched Hot Fuzz and am too lazy to correct everything.)

# of new movies watched: 91

# of animated movies:  27

Movies watched more than once in 2013:
  • Hot Fuzz
  • Paranorman
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Brave
  • Brick
  • Stranger Than Fiction
  • John Dies at the End
  • Tekkonkinkreet
  • Sunshine 
  • The Emperor's New Groove
  • A Muppet Christmas Carol
  • The Heat
  • The Great Muppet Caper

Favorite new movies seen (according to genre):
 

Romance: Silver Linings Playbook

Action: Django Unchained

Comedy: The Heat

Drama: Winter's Bone

Documentary: Sign Painters

Horror: You're Next

Animation: Frozen


Worst movie of the year: RESIDENT EVIL!