There's a Chupacabra in My Yard, George Clooney

Dear George Clooney,

      My name's JC. How are you today? I was just sitting here by my lonesome and I figured, why not see how my favorite movie star is doing. I...

     Did you hear that?...I thought I heard something outside. Hmmm...oh well.

     Anyways I'm a big fan of your movies. And that's saying something, because the only thing I enjoy more than movies is raising goats.

     Okay, what the heck was that? Is someone on my lawn?

     I'm probably just overreacting. The night will play tricks on you sometimes, eh Mr. Clooney? Silly how easy it is to let the unknown get the better of you, huh? I mean any rational person wouldn't give in to, SWEET BABY JESUS! What the hell was that? Okay, there was some freaky thing looking at me through the window. Oh jeez. Oh jeeeeeez. Deep breaths, JC. Deeeep breaths.

In.

Then out.

In.

Then out.

      Okay. It was probably just some ordinary peeping tom. Just some ordinary, run-of-the-mill voyeuristic peeping tom. Just some normal pervert. A perfectly normal pervert with huge pointy teeth and the cold dead eyes of Lucifer. I'm sure you get those all the time. In any case, I'll be right back I'm just gonna go close the shades. I mean, it never hurts to err on the side of caution, am I right?

     Oh dear lord, MY GOATS! Oooooooo, my precious goats. Oh God, they're all over the lawn. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Oh, Nibbles. Bleaty! Tin Can Tom!! Marky, you're still alive...son of a bi- you're eating my roses again! Dangit, Marky. I must've told you a million times to stay out of there! But this isn't the time for that. Oh, Marky. Sweet, sweet, Marky...where's your head?

     WHERE IS YOUR FREAKING HEAD!?

     Oh, there it is! That perverted monster is eating it. It's eating Marky's head! You piece of shit! Oh, and it saw me...ducking down now. Maybe if I turn off the lights it'll think I've gone away. Yup, nobody here. Just an old dark house. Safe inside the dark house.

     Unless it can smell me. Oh crap, I probably reek of goats! Damn those goats. I should have listened to the people that thought raising goats was a bad idea. Why didn't I listen to them? Damn, this goat-loving pride! Okay, so I'll burn my clothes. Yes! Burn them and their goaty odor!

     Sitting behind the couch in my skivvies now. Nothing weird about that, eh Mr. Clooney? Perfectly normal. Got my clothes burning away nicely. Got my kitchen knife in reach. Goats are all outside. Even their insides are outside. Ha ha. Yes, nice. Laughter. Laughter is my friend. And you...

        You're my friend. Right?