How To Spot a Murderer

       Halloween is in the air as goblins and ghouls are on the streets. If that is not deserving of a post then I do not know what is. So on this most wonderful Halloween, since I can't give you candy, I figure I'll do the next best thing: teach you how to spot a murderer. Because nothing improves your Halloween like not being murdered in your sleep...or one-upping your friends by figuring out the killer on TV before they can.

       A prime plot point of television crime dramas is: Who did it? The interest of the show comes from the viewer testing their mettle against that of the televised heroes. Through a love of stories and extensive practice, I have been able to decipher how to figure out a television murderer.

      To practice let's stage a murder, shall we? -Fade to Black-

       On a dark and stormy night Detective Stone is called in on a case. The wipers work furiously trying to keep the rain at bay as his car heads down fifth street and towards the business district. He takes a right turn and there, sticking out of the night, is the crime scene. Underneath a street light a body is slumped over, the red lights spinning from the cars of the cops and paramedics lend a disturbing visage to the scene. Stone sighs then steps from his car, pops his umbrella, and head towards the scene. Pictures are being taken of the body of a young woman. Her skin looks even more pale in the faint light. The scarlet tears of the fallen trickle from a wound in her chest, staining her blouse before reaching the ground and rushing off with the rain water to the gutter. Murder is afoot...murder most foul!

The Facts:
       The body of Jillian LeSourie was found dead at 11pm on Friday night. The cause of death seems to be from a fall, but upon further inspection shows a stab wound to the heart. The purse remains, and it's contents seemingly intact so it does not appear to be a robbery. She was an executive at a local business and lived alone.

       Detective Stone enters the business. A man (Craig Livingston) and a woman (Wanda Jenkins) are chatting by a water cooler. Stone approaches them.
       "Excuse me, I'm with the Police. Do either of you happen to know of a Ms.Lesourie?"
       "Oh! You mean Jillian?" Wanda says.
       "Her office was across from mine,"says Craig. "What's going on?"
       "Is she in trouble or something?" Wanda asks.
       "She was murdered sometime last night. Do you two have any idea of what time she usually works?"says Stone as he pulls out his notebook and pencil.
       "Oh my God! Umm...yeah I'm not really sure. I think she works pretty late usually." Wanda says her eyes wide in surprise.
       "I tend to work late and she's always here when I leave. Although last night she seemed to rush out awfully early," says Craig. His eyes also Wanda-like in their wideness and surprise.
       "Do you think Mr. Bullwick had anything to do with it?"Wanda wonders.
       "Mr. Bullwick?" Stone inquired.
       "Yeah, he's the CEO here. They were...'involved'" Craig says making air quotes with his fingers rolling his eyes. "I couldn't help but hear it through the wall."
       "They really weren't great keeping it a secret. A lot of people here have figured it out. Especially with all the fights they've been having recently,"Wanda explains.
       "Can you point me in the direction of Mr. Bullwick's office?"Stone asks while pocketing the notebook.

Johnathon Bullwick's Statement:
       Bullwick admits to cheating on his wife with Ms. LeSouire and to have been doing it for over a year. Apparently they had been fighting a bit recently, because she wanted their relationship to go to the next level and he needed more time. A search revealed a message on his phone: Ms. LeSouire had threatened to tell his wife if he didn't break up with her soon. Thus losing out on getting any of her money out of the divorce.

-Let's pause for a moment to think about what the show's motives are: to create an interesting plot and do so within a certain amount of time. For these reasons the most guilty seeming suspect is almost always a red herring. I'm going to save you some time and tell you that Mr. Bullwick did not do it. It'll probably be revealed later in the show that he has a iron clad alibi like a stockholder's meeting, or a even an affair with yet another woman. But what about the wife?

Mrs. Margaret Skye Bullwick's Statement:
       Mrs.Skye Bullwich seems heartbroken that her husband is such a douchebag while simultaneously feeling quite pissed off. She cries and makes threats of castration. But it is revealed that while her feelings are real, she had known about this before the police told her.

-Time for another break. At this point the show will probably be 1/2 - 2/3 of the way over. So she is certainly more of a suspect than Mr. Bullwick was. The real problem is that she doesn't fit all the criteria. The criteria for a TV murderer are as follows:
     1: The show's introduced who they are. Shows will pretty much never have the murderer be some random punk from off the street, because that is both boring and not fitting with the who-done-it dynamic. So the murderer has been seen in the episode.
     2: They murderer won't be expected. The show is trying to surprise you, this is why the most obvious choice isn't the murderer. The murderer will most often be someone suspected very briefly then dismissed, or never considered a suspect at all.

-Like a real show you can figure it out awhile before the end. So you should know by now. Let's look at the first criteria: I've only mentioned 6 characters so far. We know that it is one of them. Stone and LeSouire are both out, so we're down to 4. Now add the second criteria: The Bullwick's are both people you'd expect. So now we're down to 2. The answer: Craig Livingston! The guy with the office next to Jillian's.
       It'll be revealed that he had a big crush on her, but she kept rejecting him. Telling him that she was already in a relationship with someone else. He tried to break Bullwick and her up by calling Mrs.Skye Bullwick. Mr.Bullick and Jillian have a big fight one night about a phone call. Mr. Bullwick storms out. From his office Craig can see Mr.Bullwick's car leacing and Jillian crying in her office. He decides that now is the time to act as they are surely broken up and he can be her shoulder to cry on. What he doesn't know is that the call the fight was about was not his, but the one Jillian had left on Bullwick's phone and they were not broken. Jillian is freaked out that Craig had been listening to them through the wall like a pervert and angry that he tried to break up her love. A confrontation ensues, but no one hears it because they are the only ones working late. Craig, filled with hot molten anger over being rejected yet again, ends up stabbing her then dumping the body out the window out of fear. Then lies about when she had left.


Now get out there and eat some candy and solve some crimes!

Looking Through the Old Stuff

        I was just looking through old things in my documents folder and found a bunch of things I started writing and then promptly quit writing. However, a lot of the stuff I really don't recall writing...well at least only mild recollections of writing. It turns out this is rather bothersome, because I'm left with only a vague recollection of where the story was going. How do they end? I have no idea and I'm the one who wrote them. There is something inherently wrong about that, don't you think? Perhaps I shall fix up the shorter ones, but considering I'm working on a different story, programming a video game, and doing a spot of comic work, I doubt I'll get much of anything accomplished. Well, anyways, I particularly like this bit of dialogue from one of those lost stories. The file was titled Dragon.odt so I assume there is a dragon in it at some point although you wouldn't know it from the 5 pages that got finished.

        "Can you think of a reason why a tree branch would suddenly break in the middle of the night?" Johnathon asked Caleb.
        "Ummm," Caleb pondered through a mouthful of a PB&J sandwich. "A desperate bid for freedom?"
        "What the branch just got fed up with only being seen as part of the tree and couldn't take it anymore?"
        "It worked didn't it? It is now identified as 'the branch' after all." Caleb took a swig of his water bottle. "Why do you want to know?"
        "A branch-"
        "THE branch"
        "...The branch formally known as tree broke off outside my window last night and I can't figure out why."
        "Maybe a bear was trying to climb it and it broke off?"
        "Well, now every time I hear a strange noise I'm going to wonder if a bear is trying to sneak it. I hope you're happy."
        "Actually...yes. Yes, I am, "Caleb said trying to suppress a laugh.


Oh my gosh. I bet a dragon broke that tree limb! But we will never know. Let us take a moment to shake a mental fist at past Jesse for being a douche.

Site Update

You know, when I first started this thingy I had a clear goal. Over time that goal has become a lot more cloudy. In the end I'm not exactly sure what this place is anymore. Which subsequently leaves me a bit confused on what kind of stuff I should be putting on here. Of course this has the effect of having me just not putting anything up here. You can see the progression when you look for it. Basically everything continually combines and recombines three things: Journal - Comics - Essay. As you can see more recently Comics have dropped out of the mix and things have mostly been little essays, but then also some journaly essays as well. Which was actually a nice change of pace. In the past I felt that if I wanted to do something I had to do it all myself, but now I think it would be interesting to work more on the writing side and let someone else handle the visuals.

I've had some bigger project I gave a try, but it didn't work out. I was going to make a wee little photocopy book based of those Color Phrases things, but it turned out I wouldn't be able to do it in a way that I wanted to do it. It really wasn't the kind of thing I really wanted to have to settle for. I'm sure some scattered pages from the project will surface on the site eventually.

Recently I've been working on a story. One of my goals for the year was to make a longer form comic. However, after working on it I feel I've created some really interesting characters and pretty decent story. So I'm not yet sure if I actually want to draw it. My drawing abilities really aren't up to par to do it justice. I may give it a try anyway, but I may just write out a script or do it story form and call it good. Don't expect anything of that too soon though.

In better news I've started going through my sketchbook and finishing up all the drawings I started and then never finished. In the very near future (next couple of days) you can expect those to pop up. It is a fairly motley crew of drawings, but it should be interesting and at the very least it will breakup the recent lack of drawings.

And that is how things stand with the site and me in general. If you have any suggestions, comments, requests, things you'd like to see more off, things you hate, things you'd like to see tried, etc. you are encouraged, like always, to tell me. Comments, emails, with your mouth, whatever format you want. Even if I don't do what you suggest I still catalog what people have said in the back of my mind and tend to use it later on later projects, so having suppliers to help fuel the creation of stuff is always appreciated.

Maybe I Am...Maybe I'm Not

       A picture was just drawn of me by my friend Megan to test if she had suddenly developed extraordinary drawing skills since the last time she tried.


       Clearly she has and I suspect if she repeats this test multiple times the results will be the same. Each better than the last.

You Knew How This Was Going to End

Long story short. A friend asked me to try and create a poem for them using M,R,K,R,W,N,A,S,P,J,R,B,M,D as the letters for the first lines and in that order. So, I figured I'd give it a try.

My, your faces I should remember,
Rosy eyes that spark like embers.
Kind smiles have left their marks across your faces.

Read between those gentle lines,
Wherein your nature defines these signs,
Nurtured in all those loving embraces.

And there I am upon your knees,
Supported by your arms around me.
Promptly then my mind lifts the suspense.

Just like that it all comes clear,
Remembering these faces I hold so dear.
Bound together by this love immense.

May these faces never part,
Defined they are upon my heart.

Took me a while, but I'm kind of proud of it. A little more epic than my usual simple fare. Thus, beaming with childlike pride, I send it to them. To which I get the response "It's nice! and I'm glad it was fun to write." Which I must say was a little disheartening. After all an "It's Nice" followed by a subject shift away from the quality of the item is a tactic parents use when their child presents them with a lame gift...like an clay ashtray...or macaroni tie. Balancing that fine line between making something and dealing with what happens when you put it out there is not one of my strong suits. However, perhaps that is just my lack of experience doing so talking. I should put more stuff out there to build up a resistance.

Phone Pictures

I have just figured out how to get pictures off of my phone. It turns out it is much more of a process than I had thought it would be. It also turns out I have some strange stuff on there. For instance I think these are some sort of knee pads:
Why on earth did I take a picture of that? Answer: No idea. However, what is clear is why I took a picture of a Liz Ruckdeschel book.

Good to see that the kids these days are still reading high quality literature. Raising such intriguing questions as "what if all the boys wanted me?". Although to be fair in my childhood I spent a large amount of time reading books that answered such questions as "what if a group of kids were given the ability to turn into animals in order to fight aliens?", so someone could argue neither is really any better than the other. They would, however, be wrong. An amazon search tells me this is a choose-your-own-adventure book...also the library has it...I just might have to read it and find out.

My final picture is by far the greatest. It can be found in the storage closet at the theater where I work.It is wonderful on so many levels...and I love it.

By All Rights These Shouldn't Work

      The more you think about it the more you realize that families are the most bizarre systems on the planet. The fact that they kind of work is enough to befuddle the senses. If I were to randomly force people into specific groups, those people would, over time, begin to learn and care about one another, then very soon after they would begin to kill one another. Mercilessly without any remorse. A family is basically the same system except that the murderous rage is most often turned inward, because you just love those...people too much to do anything about it.
      Let's start with the basics. Two people meet and fall in love. This is one of the few relationships in a family that actually makes sense. Because of this it really isn't as true a family bond as the others, as it is the only one that can really end. But regardless it only stands to reason that a person could eventually find someone willing to put up with their shit in exchange for their, hopefully, numerous good qualities and/or nice ass. However, then these two have kids and then things start to get interesting. For now they've taken these random little souls and latched them into this family with no hope of ever truly escaping.
      The first to feel the effects of family-rage are siblings, often times even before they are cognizant. I, for one, was attacked as a wee babe by a hate filled tot of a sister who threw my pacifier out of a window to teach me a lesson. This is a perfect example. Only a family could force a little kid and a baby together, have it result in theft and destruction of property, and then continue putting the two together. Watching siblings gives you a clear idea of the strange dynamics at work in families. The younger ones follow the older ones idolizing them, while the older ones hate the younger ones for bugging them all the time. The younger ones hate the older ones for all the privileges they get and the older ones hate the younger ones for getting more attention. Heaven help the middle ones because they get all the fun of having a siblings whose already done everything without any of the extra attention. Despite this, a person can go on a tirade about how their sibling is a horrible human being and the world would be better without them, but if you were to say something even a tenth as insulting they would pop you square in the jaw. "Who said you could talk about MY sibling that way." Despite its problems it is Your family and there is an inherent pride in ownership.
      This is why family love is so bizarre. It is unconditional and it can't be helped. Somewhere deep down you love your siblings, probably even enough to punch someone else in the face for a slanderous comment, and there is nothing you can do about it. No matter what they do to make you hate them and they will make you hate them. Whether through big things or small. For instance, I'm convinced that my sister has stolen my fire extinguisher. She has also left an amount of nesquik in my cupboards that could kill a mule deer.
      No matter what position they are in siblings have a common enemy: the parents. The same freakish love-hate bonds that bind siblings together seems to be there binding parents to their kids, except stronger and more potent. After all, kids are completely dependent on their parents for years and years. Then even after they aren't "completely dependent" they're still calling for favors and loans and whatnot.
      If childhood is the age where inter-sibling attacks are at their highest, then puberty clearly must be when kid-adult attacks hit their big peak. People often like to imply that teenagers are all angsty and angry because of hormones and changing bodies, but perhaps they've just realized who their family is. Finally gotten to where all the new family smell has worn off and the rose colored glasses are probably still sitting at that diner in Arkansas, even though your mom told you twice to remember them. Around this age you really start to see your parents as the strange random people they really are instead of the epic godlike heroes they once were (and I suppose still are in some sense, but the capes are much harder to spot).
      They have failings, and it is hard not to realize that their failings are probably the root of your failings. In the nature versus nurture debate both sides seem to feature an awful lot of parents. How can you not blame them a little bit? Or a lot a bit? It only makes sense that teens are angry. The world as they know it is falling around them and these parents who used to be so cool, but are really just...human, keep acting like they know better. In amongst the verbal fights something else is learned. Because families spend so much time together very few people will know you as well as your family. This also means that very few people can hurt you in the same way a family member can. The double-edged nature of family continues, as the very people who can hurt you the best are also some of the best at cheering you up.
      And so you have this family. The parents who love their kids unconditionally, but are constantly annoyed and infuriated with their kids trying to undermine what they've done. The kids who secretly idolize their parents, but are often embarrassed/annoyed with their bizarre and numerous failings. And the siblings who stick up for one another, but continually fight each other. Despite all of this, family is one of the only social structures in the world that will truly and genuinely care about you and will never stop. For every yin there must be a yang. For there to be as much love as there is in a family there must also be a lot of hate. I suppose it is just another example of the human condition. We hate because we love. And we love because we hate. Would you really trade one away at the risk of losing the other?