31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Conjuring 2

Day #14

The Conjuring 2

(2016)

Lorraine and Ed Warren travel to England to investigate the case of a young girl whose family claims suffers from demonic attentions.

Fright Factor:

3 / 5  Acoustic Guitars

Gore Factor:

2 / 5  Abdominal Thrusts

Should you watch it?

It’s certainly not as good as the original was, but it’s still pretty enjoyable. The problem is that the story just isn’t there. It has a very sequel-y feel to it and seems as if it was primarily made as a vehicle to give fans more Ed & Lorraine and the rest of the story was just an afterthought.

And to their credit, there are a lot of fantastically sweet Ed and Lorraine moments, yet the haunting never really develops as fully or as intriguingly as it should have. Sure, there are a some genuinely creepy scenes, but there are also some overly overt and extremely heavy-handed ones too.

If you liked the first one I think that you’ll enjoy seeing more of the Warrens and their based-on-real-cases adventures. And if you’ve never seen the first one? Well, there’s really nothing in this one that would require you to have and it’s a solid horror movie...

...Just know that the first one was better.

“Ed, this is as close to hell as I ever want to get.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Innkeepers

Day #13

The Innkeepers

(2011)

A small hotel is set to shut down for good and the two remaining staff members are determined to prove once and for all that the place is haunted.

Fright Factor:

3 / 5 Customers

Gore Factor:

1.8 / 5 Rude Ghosts

Should you watch it?

Horror movies frequently make the mistake of having unlikable main characters. But unless you’re bringing some real skill to the table to compensate, it’s hard to be truly scared when the worst that could happen is that some dudebro69 is going to get got. But therein lies the greatest strength of this movie: Sara Paxton steals the show as a lead character who’s just too innately sweet and likable for anyone to want to see her get hurt.

This is one of those horror movies that slowly ratchets up the tension as the film progresses and I love when horror movies do that. Not to mention that it’s nice to see a spooky movie that never tries to go way over the top. They seem to have been working with a less-is-more philosophy and it works to great effect here. Going big can result in bigger scares, but working the small stuff is more unsettling in a way, because it somehow seems all the more possible.

And as if those things weren’t enough, I was pleased to learn that the movie is told from a customer service worker’s point of view!

I’m not gonna lie to you, I particularly enjoy any movie that accurately describes what it’s like to work in customer service. The boredom, the drudgery, the fun of having ridiculous conversations with coworkers, the lengths one will go to to make things more fun, the annoying interactions with customers, feeling like a failure that this is where your life has led you and the only reason you stick around is that you don’t know what you want to do instead.

As I was watching the movie I was getting really excited to be able to talk about how refreshing it was to see a horror movie where the two leads are opposite genders and yet just platonic friends. But UNFORTUNATELY they had to go and blow it by having the dude confess his feelings near the end. Come on, dummy! This place is reaching a dangerous level of haunted and you decide that this is the right time for this conversation? What makes it all the worse is that he is clearly mistaking the kindness of friendship as romantic attraction.

But what it all really comes down to is that the film managed to get to me. I actually had to stop this movie at one point, because there was a weird noise coming from somewhere in my house and it was starting to really freak me out. Turns out the ceiling in my bathroom was leaking, but the point is the movie got in my head and started making me feel a little bit unsafe in my own home.

A sure sign of a good horror movie if ever there was one.

“Do you know the story of Madeline O’Malley?

She was the one that died here in the hotel.

She hung herself after her fiance stood her up on her wedding day. The original owners of the hotel, thought it would be bad press and hurt the business. So, they hid her dead body in the wood cellar for three days. Before they could smuggle her out of the loading bay.

When the people of the town finally figured out what had happened here...

They were outraged.

So, the owners had to close the hotel down and were forced to sell it.

Nobody came through here again until the ’60s. And ever since then, people have reported seeing the ghost of Madeline O’Malley roaming the hallways waiting for her lover.

Some say, she’s even looking to take up a new one.”

“Excuse me? What are you doing?”

“Mommy!”

“What’s going on?”

“She said there’s a ghost in that hotel. She said it’s coming to get me!”

“I never said that.”

“What’s the matter with you? He’s just a child.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Ward

Day #12

The Ward

(2010)

It’s 1966 and an amnesiac is committed to a mental institution after being found burning down a house. However, she soon finds out that the ghost of her room’s previous occupant is haunting the ward and picking off its occupants one by one.

Fright Factor:

2.5 / 5  Examples of 1960s Medicine

Gore Factor:

3 / 5 Shock Therapy Incidents

Should you watch it?

From a technical standpoint it does a lot of things I really liked, but from a story perspective? Terrible.

I don’t even know what else to say. The writing was far from the best, but it was within acceptable levels for a horror movie. It was well shot, had some characters I really liked, a creepy setup, great costumes, and it all leads to an ending that makes you wonder if you can get a refund on that hour and a half of your life.

Also, dear 1960’s medicine, WTF is the matter with you?

“Look at me!”

“Sorry, I don’t converse with loonies.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Child's Play

Day #11

Child’s Play

(1988)

An evil doll is bitten by a radioactive 6-year old and gains the proportional strength, speed, and reflexes of a little boy.

[Okay, okay, fine! That’s not true. It’s about really about...]

A murderer uses his dying breath to transport his soul into a doll. Now he seeks revenge on those responsible for his death...and the young boy who took him in.

Fright Factor:

1.7 / 5  Stupid Dolls

Gore Factor:

1.5 / 5 Stabby McStabbykins

Should you watch it?

Ummm...I’m gonna go with Yes.

It’s not actually scary or particularly well made, but if you’re looking for something ridiculous and 80’sy then look no further.

I mean, seriously, think about it: it’s a doll! Sure it can catch you by surprise or make people think you’re crazy, but other than that you kind of have a serious upper hand here. And yeah, sure, I guess he knows some “voodoo” magic, but even that requires you to have made a number of terrible decisions to even get him into a position where he can use it.

Which brings up the biggest of the movie’s inherent flaws: in order to compensate for the fact that a living doll isn’t frightening (or formidable) the filmmakers have to go WAY out of their way to get Chucky into situations where he can be competently menacing.

You know that gag in the Naked Gun movies where someone would throw something stupid at a character and they’d pretend it was actually effective? That’s essentially Chucky fights in a nutshell.

Although, to be fair...there is one truly scary scene in the moive: the one where the kid tries to make breakfast by himself. It is hard to watch. The kid is spilling stuff everywhere, almost starting fires, and putting a truly freakish amount of sugar on his cereal. It’s nerve wrecking to watch.

In summary: a great one to laugh at with friends, but just go into it knowing that it’s not so much scary as it is silly.

“Talk to me.

...

Come on, talk!

...

I said, ‘talk to me,’ dammit!

...

All right. I’ll make you talk!

...

I said talk to me dammit or else I’m gonna throw you in the fire!”

“YOU STUPID BITCH, YOU FILTHY SLUT! ARRGH! I’LL TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH ME!”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Addams Family

Day #10

The Addams Family

(1991)

A band of crooks try to con a loving—although incredibly macabre—family out of their fortune by convincing them their long-lost brother has returned.

Fright Factor:

1/5  Mamushkas

Gore Factor:

1/5  Uncle Niknak's Summer Wardrobes

Should you watch it?


Yes!

Of course you should! Frankly, I’m kind of surprised you haven’t seen it already.

This movie could have so easily been some cheap appeal to the lowest-common-denominator money grab, but it isn’t! A lot of really talented people worked on this movie, both on and off camera.

And yes, there’s some really fun humor and visuals and acting and sets and so much more, but the thing that really sets this movie apart is also the crux of the humor: that in spite of being dark and macabre, the Addams are an incredibly loving and supportive family. The result is that (whether intentional or not) the Addams end up as one of most functional and stable movie families you’ll ever see. Morticia’s mother lives with the family and this is shown to be a normal thing and not a source of mother-in-law jokes. The kids are loved and supported in their interests. Gomez and Morticia adore one another and take equal responsibility in raising their kids and taking care of their household. And the list goes on!

In terms of family friendly, spookily-themed comedy, you can’t go wrong with The Addams Family.

“Wednesday is an excellent student, but frankly I’m concerned. You see, this is our class bulletin board. This month our theme is ‘Our Heroes,’ people we love and admire. You see Susan Ringo has chosen the President. Isn’t that sweet? And Harmony Fell has picked Jane Pauley.”

“Have you spoken to her parents?”

“But Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpernia Addams.”

“Wednesday’s great aunt Calpernia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They say she danced naked in the town square and enslaved a minister.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yes.

But don’t worry, we’ve told Wednesday, ‘College first.’”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Day #9

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

(2015)

A cocktail waitress and a trio of high school boy scouts are the last line of defense when a zombie outbreak threatens their town.

Fright Factor:

1.5 / 5 Cat Ladies

Gore Factor:

3 / 5  Modified Weed Wackers

Should you watch it?

Shouldn’t they have put an apostrophe in that title? It kinda feels like there should be one, right?

Anyways, I went into this one with incredibly low expectations and it surpassed them! I mean, it’s 100% a movie aimed at teenage boys...so you’ve gotta keep that in mind. But if you can put aside your critic cap and accept that this movie was made for a demographic that’s notoriously immature and clueless...well, you might just have some fun.

While there are a number of really fun scenes in the movies, I was hoping there would be SIGNIFICANTLY MORE scout action. In actuality, the scouts in the movie really don’t use their scout skills all that much. Especially not in the hilarious ways I was hoping for: making a snare,  tying two zombies intestines together using a special knot, the shooting of a bow and arrow, surviving in the forest, etc. Frankly I’m still rather bummed out about this.

But hey! The main female character actually wears a bra! And you never get to see any more of it than the straps! Now there’s a combo you don’t see very often in a horror movie, let alone one made for teenage boys.

I do feel the need, however, to inform the public that despite the advice given in the movie, do NOT just go up to girls and kiss them out of nowhere. It seems like a good idea in movies, but a little warning bell should be going off anytime you find yourself thinking, “It always works in the movies!” Believe it or not: most people don’t want to randomly kissed by you. It’s a sad fact of life, I know.

Did I mention that the always amazing Cloris Leachman is in this movie? Because she totally is! And in one scene she totally puts her lips on someone without their consent, and their reaction pretty much proves my whole point about that issue.

“It’s the zombie apocalypse! Come on, we’re scouts! We’re trained for this!”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Cloverfield

Day #8

Cloverfield

(2008)

The found footage from a group of friends' videocamera depicts the events that took place when New York City was attacked by a gigantic monster.

Fright Factor:

1.5 / 5  Shaky Cameras

Gore Factor:

2.5 / 5  Post-attack wounds

Should you watch it?

While it does has an interesting premise, I don’t think I’d go as far as saying that it’s particularly worth your time. Especially because the whole movie kiiinda feels a bit like a sub-par handycam ripoff of the 2006 South Korean movie 괴물 (aka The Host). Now, I’m not saying it is a ripoff, but I am saying that The Host does what this movie was trying to do and does it far better.

And that’s Cloverfield’s problem in a nutshell. I really shouldn’t be able to make that comparison. The Host is a movie about a family trying to rescue their daughter after she is taken by a mutated creature. It deals with government incompetence endangering the populace and about the importance of family. Meanwhile Cloverfield is about a Godzilla-sized monster attacking New York City. Giant monster movies are more-or-less the horror/sci-fi corollaries of natural disasters;  they offer the same destruction, but focused on an actual entity instead of an ethereal natural phenomenon.

And yet they are comparable, because Cloverfield doesn’t want to tell the story of the disaster, it wants to tell a story about people surviving monster attacks. And to make that work they have to go way out of their way and actively work against their own set-up and film style. If they wanted to just do monster attacks scrapping the handycam angle style would have created a much better shots and atmosphere. But the found-footage thing would have been really interesting for a disaster movie!

I mean, have you seen pictures from areas affected by natural disasters or terror attacks? They’re chilling. You can’t help but to wonder how it would feel to go through something like that. I was thinking that Cloverfield would try to tap into that those kinds of frightening questions. Crowds of panicking people, clouds of dust are making it hard to see/breathe, buildings that are structurally compromised, utilities destroyed: the city itself turning against you. And it’s all coming from something you have no power to stop.

The film briefly touches on some of that horror, but it never stays for very long before shifting the focus back onto monsters. They even introduce smaller monsters in addition to the giant one just so they can make that focus work.

Although to be fair, even if they had focused on the disaster I still would have issues with it for having really dull characters. The only character I really liked was Lizzy Caplan’s and she leaves the main group like halfway in. Meanwhile you’ve got to deal with T.J. Miller’s character for the whole movie! Where is the fairness in that?

“Ocean is big, dude. All I’m saying is a couple of years ago, they found a fish in Madagascar that they thought been extinct for centuries.”

“So what? It’s been down there this whole time, and nobody noticed?”

“Sure. Maybe it erupted from an ocean trench, you know? Or a crevasse. Crevice. It’s just a theory. I mean, for all we know, it’s from another planet and it flew here.”

“Like Superman?”

“Yeah, exactly like... Wait. You know who Superman is?”

“Oh my God. You know who Superman is?”

“Okay, I’m not...”

“I’m, like, feeling something...are you aware of Garfield?”