Saturday, July 3, 2010

1 Man Competition: Everyone's a Winner

I think I have a sickness of some sort. Not a physical one, but a mental one. For you see, I can't help but to try and top other people's birthday greetings on Facebook.

It first developed from a dislike of duplicates; there really isn't much variation for wishing someone a happy birthday. And, really, if it's your birthday you could care less. Your friend wished you a happy birthday? Awesome! I love friends!

However, I never buy store-bought cards, I'll be damned if I'll kneel before the throne of conventional well-wishing. Actually, I'm just cheap, but that's not the point. This simple practice has leaked into how I think of the little posts on people's Facebooks and has evolved into a one-sided competition. "Let's see those other friends try and top that one!" I'll cry triumphantly, to no one in particular, after completing a new one. Sometimes I can almost believe that these other friends are actually sitting there going, "Damnit! Who is this fiend! I'll get him next time...mark my words." All the while shaking their fist menacingly.

In reality, or at least in my construction of reality, most people probably don't look over what kind of birthday posts their friend has gotten. They're just there to wish their friend the best and then be on their way. But not me. Oh, no. Not me.

I will research various historical events for that particular day:
This day in history: Madagascaar claims Independence from France, Pied Piper leads 130 children from Hamelin, Indira Ghandi receives enormous political powers when emergency rule is declared in India, Christmas declared federal holiday in the USA, oh and did I mention SARAH SAMSON'S BIRTHDAY?! Which is clearly the most historic of these events. At least it is in my opinion.
I will craft poems:
She's a force that makes the Earth pray,
just to hear her mirth sway,
for in that sound,
a joy renowned,
so let's celebrate Marge's Birthday.
If they have a particular interest I'll sometimes try to make something tailored to that, like ornithology for instance:
I hope your birthdae is sibley wonderfowl.
And if I don't have a lot of time I'll make do with saying the standard "Happy Birthday" in a slightly different way:
7 Down: Chipper
15 Across: Annual creation celebration
86 Sideways: Chesterfield-Branson
Or with less work:
((√(birthday+cake))^age)*presents = 2(Happiness)
And with even less work yet:
You. Birthday. Happiness.
I think you've got a pretty good picture of the situation now. Just one more example of the odd ways in which I invest my free time. Some people would say this is a sign that I need to get out more, but those people...would probably be right.

Although, since there isn't an official ref or anything, I'm just going to declare myself the winner of Facebook birthday greetings.

Take that friends of my friends!


  1. why have i never received one of these? although i did get fun card for easter and leap year...

  2. Facebook birthday one-upping requires a mix of requirements. One of which is I have to have been on facebook that particular day and then I have to notice the little birthday notice. Another is that I have to have the time and energy to do it. Many people do not get much of anything because I just don't feel up to the challenge that day.