Monday, November 15, 2010

Old Enough To

We all know about those momentous landmark ages. At 16 you can drive, at 17 you can see R movies, at 18 you can smoke, at 21 you can drink...and that's it. There's so few of them! You have a whole life to live and yet there are so few occasions to revel in the unlocked features of a Level Up. Or are there? I have looked into it and collected some of the unlocked abilities that are out there for all of us to look forward to and enjoy.

Additional Landmark Ages
  • >0 - Old enough to be an individual
+Congratulations! You are no longer a blood-sucking parasite living inside of a host's body. Now you can move on to sucking time, patience, and money from them instead.

  • 5 - You can to attend Kindergarten
+And by "can" I mean "have to".

  • 6 - You now have to pay to ride the bus
+Celebrate by paying to ride the bus! Coins clanking into slots, bills sucked out of your hands, transfers appearing out of nowhere...what fun!

  • 7 - No more choking hazard warnings on toys
+Choking on things just isn't as much fun when no one is telling you not to.

  • 10-12 - You can get your Junior SCUBA certification
+You're probably not interested in dating yet, but nothing turns a lady/lad on like SCUBA certification.

  • 13 - You can get a Facebook page (without resorting to deceit)
+Because being a teenager just wasn't challenging enough.

  • 15 - You can now A) get your full SCUBA certification, and B) Be on American Idol
+Now that you are interested in dating, being a fully certified SCUBA diver who can sing certainly won't hurt your chances.

  • 16 - You can now A) donate blood (w/ parent's consent), B) be an Olympian, C) be a jockey, and D) get your Private Hot Air Balloon Pilot's License
+Try combining them all for one hell of an event.

  • 17 - You can get your Pilot's License
+Celebrate by jumping in your plane and spraying pesticides all over Cary Grant.

  • 18 - You can now A) buy a rifle/shotgun, B) Gamble, C) Vote, D) Buy spray paint, E) Get Married, F) Change your name, G) Rent a Port-a-Potty, H) Pawn something
+Combine them all for an insane a jail cell.

  • 21 - You can A) buy a handgun, and B) get a Taxi Cab Driver's License
+Because you can't have one without the other.

  • 23 - You're old enough to join the FBI
+You've had a poster of J. Edgar Hoover over your bed since you were old enough to pay for the bus. It's time to live the dream!

  • 25 - You can A) rent a car, and B) run for Congress
+ Or you can rent a car and run from Congress.

  • 26 - You can no longer be drafted into the military
+And you didn't even have to chop of an extremity!

  • 28 - You can no longer be on American Idol
+Apparently when you're old enough to be a beer drinking jockey pilot for the FBI you're no longer Idol material.

  • 30 - You can run for Senate
+Now that's the life. Jedi bodyguards, hover podiums, hanging out with Jar Jar Binks and Queen Amidala...wait...I'm thinking of the wrong Senate.

  • 35 - You can run for President
+Besides the money, the fame, and the power, there really isn't an upside to that job.

  • 37 - You can no longer join the FBI
+Psssh, you didn't want to join their crummy club anyway.

  • 55-62 - Eligible for Senior Discounts
+Suck on that, whipper snappers, this early bird special is hella afforable, yo!

  • 65 - Eligible for Medicare
+Time to enjoy the fruits of your taxes, you socialist.

  • RIP+24Hours - You can be cremated
+Your whole life has been leading up to this moment!

  • RIP+1Year - Eligible to appear on a postage stamp (but only for former presidents)
+You've been dead for over a year and brownnosers are still trying to lick your backside.

  • RIP+2Years - Eligible to get your face on currency (but only for former presidents)
+Dangit, I guess there are some upsides to being President after all.

  • RIP+5Years - Eligible for A) Sainthood, and B) having a landmark named after you
+Do them in that order for an even more prestigious landmark.

  • RIP+10Years - Eligible to appear to appear on a postage stamp (for everyone else)
+You've spent your life looking down on Philatelists. Now they are the ones looking down on you. Madness!

  • RIP+70Years - Your copyrights expire
+Clips from your movies will be shown at will as bookstores compete with one another to see who can slap the best cover art and discussion guides onto your books...or no one will care because your copyrights were lame.

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