Napkin Doodles

It'll still be a little bit before I finish up the newest batch of envelopes, so here's a napkin doodle to tide you over for now.

Okay back to work.

Needed: Partner in Inevitable Zombie War

      Let's face it, soon enough hell will run out of room and the dead will begin to walk the Earth. While most of humanity will be taken by surprise and promptly eaten, I plan to be prepared. And there's nothing better to have during a zombie apocalypse than a true partner.

     Someone to talk to, thus avoiding the need to befriend volley balls and mannequins. Someone to keep lookout while I raid the grocery store. And most importantly someone to shoot me in the face if I happen to become infected.

     Must be able to run when necessary; when a hoard of zombie children come swarming out of the Chuck-E-Cheese, with their hunger for tickets turned to brains, we gotta be ready to book it double-time. Of course there are exceptions as the ability to crush a man's skull with minimal effort or tear off someone's arm and bludgeon them to death with it, could certainly come in handy.

     But seriously, you gotta be able to shoot me in the face if the need arises.

There's a Chupacabra in My Yard, George Clooney

Dear George Clooney,

      My name's JC. How are you today? I was just sitting here by my lonesome and I figured, why not see how my favorite movie star is doing. I...

     Did you hear that?...I thought I heard something outside. Hmmm...oh well.

     Anyways I'm a big fan of your movies. And that's saying something, because the only thing I enjoy more than movies is raising goats.

     Okay, what the heck was that? Is someone on my lawn?

     I'm probably just overreacting. The night will play tricks on you sometimes, eh Mr. Clooney? Silly how easy it is to let the unknown get the better of you, huh? I mean any rational person wouldn't give in to, SWEET BABY JESUS! What the hell was that? Okay, there was some freaky thing looking at me through the window. Oh jeez. Oh jeeeeeez. Deep breaths, JC. Deeeep breaths.

In.

Then out.

In.

Then out.

      Okay. It was probably just some ordinary peeping tom. Just some ordinary, run-of-the-mill voyeuristic peeping tom. Just some normal pervert. A perfectly normal pervert with huge pointy teeth and the cold dead eyes of Lucifer. I'm sure you get those all the time. In any case, I'll be right back I'm just gonna go close the shades. I mean, it never hurts to err on the side of caution, am I right?

     Oh dear lord, MY GOATS! Oooooooo, my precious goats. Oh God, they're all over the lawn. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Oh, Nibbles. Bleaty! Tin Can Tom!! Marky, you're still alive...son of a bi- you're eating my roses again! Dangit, Marky. I must've told you a million times to stay out of there! But this isn't the time for that. Oh, Marky. Sweet, sweet, Marky...where's your head?

     WHERE IS YOUR FREAKING HEAD!?

     Oh, there it is! That perverted monster is eating it. It's eating Marky's head! You piece of shit! Oh, and it saw me...ducking down now. Maybe if I turn off the lights it'll think I've gone away. Yup, nobody here. Just an old dark house. Safe inside the dark house.

     Unless it can smell me. Oh crap, I probably reek of goats! Damn those goats. I should have listened to the people that thought raising goats was a bad idea. Why didn't I listen to them? Damn, this goat-loving pride! Okay, so I'll burn my clothes. Yes! Burn them and their goaty odor!

     Sitting behind the couch in my skivvies now. Nothing weird about that, eh Mr. Clooney? Perfectly normal. Got my clothes burning away nicely. Got my kitchen knife in reach. Goats are all outside. Even their insides are outside. Ha ha. Yes, nice. Laughter. Laughter is my friend. And you...

        You're my friend. Right?

It's Question Time

The new year is here and what better time than now to answer some questions you might have about Excuse The Quality. So here it is:

"Excuse The Quality":
Question Corner

1. Why is the site called "Excuse the Quality"?

       You might think I was intelligent enough to know the meaning of the popular expression by the same name, but you would have thought wrong. When I came up with it I was thinking more along the lines of a sarcastic "Please excuse me for being so awesome", instead of "Please excuse my lack of quality". Clearly my thought process makes for the more interesting title, but what can ya do.

2. How many people read this thing?

       That's a good question. I have no clue. Less than 5?

3. Why do you take so long to update?

       I don't know. Why do you take so long to shut up?

       Actually it is because I can be both lazy and self deprecating. Both things tend to hinder the creative juices.

4. Why do you use a lame pre-made blog format?

       I am too lazy to want to take the time to make anything/learn how to make anything nicer. Plus if I had something nicer I'd probably feel the need to make my posts nicer. The pressure to do so would then make me fearful. And the fear would subsequently lead me to posting even less.

       At least that's the rationale I've been using.

5. Any New Year's resolutions?

       Get better at everything.

A Break Filled With Work

I've been taking a little bit of a break from letter writing so I could focus my energies on gift giving instead. This means that it really isn't a break at all. In fact it is more stressful because the deadlines are written in stone. The funny thing is I usually only resort to arty gifts if I can't think of anything good enough to give a person. In my head they are kind of a cop-out. After all I did them on Christmas Eve, because I was holding hopes that I'd come up with something better and failed. Yet, they've been being better received than the actual gifts I gave, so go figure. Live and learn.

The first thing is a mix CD I made for my cousin. In my usual fashion I used an anagram of their name for the CD's title.
For my other cousin I made up a little poem/story/thing. Although it might be slightly different from the delivered one. Sometimes I end up making little changes on the fly when I write things out from the version I typed up, then don't think to edit the computer draft.

Rosalie Vs. Jingle

This is the tale of Rosalie,
a girl both brave and bold,
the one who will save us all from evil,
just as it's been foretold.

You see it all began
upon a winter's night.
The moon was covered by some clouds,
as it hid itself from fright.

The cold air didn't seem to mind,
as it danced upon the wind,
and as it did it's twists and turns,
something wicked grinned.

Rosalie was out for a walk.
she was out to get some air.
Suddenly a she heard a twig snap,
she wasn't alone out there.

Out from a bushes it came,
a goblin green and mean,
it wore a crooked top hat,
and a t-shirt with an image quite obscene.

In one hand he held a baby,
in the other he had some gin.
He smelled a bit like daffodils,
and was much too tall and thin.

"Oh hello, how do you do?
My name is Jingle Jangle.
I like country music and long walks,
and I love to kill and mangle."

"Greetings mister goblin,
I see you are quite well.
But if you don't let that baby free,
I'll send you straight to hell."

The grin did fade with that remark,
and his eyes blazed bright red.
"You best watch little miss,
or you'll be the one who's dead.

"I highly doubt that Jingle,
for there's something you don't know.
Now hand over the little one,
or it'll be your blood upon the snow."

"I've been alive for years and years,
born before you could even crawl.
I've seen everything under the sun,
and, miss, I know it all."

"At least that's what you say,
but you haven't got a clue."
"So hurry up and don't delay,
tell me before I kill you!"

"Whoa there mister goblin,
there's no need to fret,
I can solve this problem,
through a simple little bet.

Let me hold the baby,
and I'll tell you my information,
if you've heard it kill us both,
you'll have my invitation."

"Sounds fair enough," he said,
as he handed over the child.
"Now tell me, tell me!"
And Rosalie just softly smiled.

"You aren't standing on the sidewalk,
you're standing on the road.
Oh look a semi."
*Splat*
"It looks like goblins can explode."

Letter Extravaganza '09: Part 3

     15 letters done! I've sent more letters since I started this thing than most people probably send all year and yet I'm not even halfway done. 20 letters stand between me and the completion of this project. I probably should stop marking them #/102, but I don't feel like it.
     I'm getting better at these envelopes though...at least I think I am. The people further down on the list should be pleased that although they have to wait longer, their finished product will be much more refined. To think when I made the offer of free letters I wasn't even planning on doing envelope art. A handy fact which gives me an excuse for why I thought I'd be able to complete this project rather quickly. Oh how wrong I was.
     Well, until I manage to work my way through another 5 letters, enjoy.

11.

12.
13.
14.
15.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (#12) are copyright Nickelodeon. While Mr. Peabody and Sherman (#15) are copyright Ward Productions Inc.

Letter Extravaganza '09: Part 2

Although I'm finding out that I'm quite slow at this whole letter writing thing, I'm still trucking away at it. Here's the next batch of envelop designs. Introducing a new size in envelope that actually fits my letters (a novel idea I know). This is the batch where my tools decided to die. I lost like 3 markers and a pen, may they rest in peace. Eventually I will stop being lazy and get to an art store and get some new stuff.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.
I should probably mention that Mario and his cronies (#8) and Link (#9) are copyright Nintendo, while the character Avatar Aang (#10) is copyright Nickelodeon...so mad props to them.