31 Days of Spooky Movies: Jaws

Day #22b

Jaws

(1975)

Greed and under-handed politics allow a rogue shark to cause the deaths of multiple people in a New England resort town.

Fright Factor:

1 / 5 Selfish Politicians

Gore Factor:
1.8 / 5 Aquatic Robo-Maulings

Should You Watch It?

The first thing you should know about Jaws is that it is was made over 40 years old.

The second thing you should know about Jaws is that is was originally going to be a more stereotypical horror movie, but later became a more character driven piece because they weren’t capable of making a decent enough shark.

So yeah, it’s not a very scary movie these days.

The film certainly tries to demonize sharks, but it’s all just so silly. If you know anything about sharks you’ll know that the movie is totally talking out of its ass most of the time.


But here’s the thing though: Jaws is kind of creepy, but not because of the shark. Jaws is creepy because of its accurate and biting portrayal of a different sort of alpha predators: Politicians.

Okay, so hear me out here as I describe the basic flow of the movie. [Spoiler alerts, I guess?]

So a young girl gets killed in a shark attack. It was a freak thing and it’s a tragedy. The chief of police is like, Fuck! We gotta deal with this before anyone else gets hurt. Let’s close the beaches until we deal with this problem.

The Mayor and his goon squad are like, No. No way! This is prime money season here. If we close the beaches people will be pissed at me and never re-elect me. We’re gonna do nothing, you’re especially gonna do nothing, and maybe the problem will just go away.

Okie dokie, says the dumbass police chief (Aka the hero(?) of the movie).

Well guess the fuck what?! The shark that they did NOTHING about? It kills enough people that the Mayor is finally forced to do something about it, so he puts a drunken shark-hating fisherman, shark-expert Richard Dreyfus, and the boot-licking pushover chief of police on a boat and sends them to go kill the shark.

All the while that mayor and his cronies are safe on dry land and they let the chief take the blame for not taking proper safety precautions.


And people watched this movie and somehow came away with, OMG sharks are like so totally scary!

What. The. Fuck.

If anything the takeaway from this movie should be that elected officials are selfish pricks who will gladly sell out the lives of everyday folks if it means making money / staying in power.

THAT’S the part of Jaws that’s scary.

So Jaws is not a movie to watch if you want to be freak yourself out and have an excuse to cuddle with a hottie.

That being said, Jaws is a pop-culture powerhouse. Even today this movie is referenced EVERYWHERE. So even if it’s not gonna freak you out, I still think it’s worth a watch if only so you can see the influence it’s had and the many references to it floating around out there.

Just know that politicians are far more scary than sharks will ever be.

“Where are we going?”

“Swimming.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Cooties

Day #22

Cooties

(2014)

When the children of an elementary school are turned into murderous cannibals by a batch of bad chicken nuggets, the teachers must band together against them in order to survive.

Fright Factor:

2 / 5 Children

Gore Factor:

3 / 5 Health Code Violations

Should I Watch it?


A zombie-comedy where teachers have to fight off zombie kids? I was kind of shocked I had never heard about this one before. Just look at the cast: Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer, Nasim Predrad, Peter Kwang. 

I so badly wanted to enjoy it, but it turns out this movie is not very good. The humor is composed almost entirely of the same idiotic stereotypes and cheap jokes that we’ve all seen a million times before. How they managed to take such an original premise and make such a trite product out of it is beyond me.

But instead of talking about the shitshow that was this movie’s hackneyed writing,...let’s not!

Anyways, the question at hand isn’t whether or not the movie is “Good” (it’s not), but whether or not it’s worth watching. And...no. It probably isn’t. There are a few good moments, but overall it is a subtly unfortunate and underwhelming experience.


P.S. There are more children of color in the background posters of this one screenshot than there are in the entirety of this school.

“Nap time, motherfuckers.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Life After Beth

Day # 21

Life After Beth

(2014)

When a young man’s girlfriend dies unexpectedly he wishes nothing more than to have her back.

But then she does come back...and it’s not exactly what he had in mind.

Fright Factor:

1 / 5 Smooth Jazz Stations

Gore Factor:

2 / 5  Failed Nature Hikes

Should you watch it?

I really wish I liked this movie. It has some fun actors (Aubrey Plaza, John C. Reilly, and Molly Shannon is particular) and all sorts of potential. But goshdarnit do I ever dislike the main character. I don’t know if it’s the writing or the actor or what, but he is just a big ol’ pill.

There are some funny bits in the movie, but overall it’s a bit of a slog. If you’re in the mood for a Horror-Comedy you could do worse, but you could do a lot better too.

“You don’t want to eat me, do you?”

“Zach! Not right now. Remember?”

“no...I mean really eat me.”

“Stop. Not with my parents around. Come on.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Amityville Horror (1979)

Day #20

The Amityville Horror

(1979)

A man and his family move into a new home only to find out that it was built on the site of a grizzly murder / ancient Indian burial ground / former home of a Satanic worshiper / hell well.

Fright Factor:

1.5 / 5 Cases of Domestic Abuse

Gore Factor:

1 / 5 Backed-up Hellmouth Septic Tanks

Should you watch it?

Unless you are intrigued by its position of horror notoriety or interested in seeing what the 2005 remake was based on, then I’d probably recommend not bothering with this one.

But as for me? Well, after watching the 2005 version I was intrigued; I had enjoyed a lot of things about it, but it strongly had that overly-glossy feel that’s so common among  remakes of classic movies. “I wonder what the original must have been like?” I mused. Maybe it was just as good, but grittier and more original?

It turns out that I wasn’t giving the remake nearly enough credit, because damn! They trimmed the fat of this thing in a big way. I don’t want to write about this movie any longer than I already have to, so let’s focus on the two central parts of the story that make this version so very different from the remake / the main reasons why this movie is so ridiculous: the main character and the source of the evil.

Main Character:

I can’t believe they’re gonna make me say this, but Ryan Reynolds out-acted the shit out of James Brolin here. It comes down to one key difference: Reynolds’ performance actually managed to get the point across that the house was corrupting him. If anything Brolin’s character seems to be a stereotypical man from the late 70s who has developed a drinking problem and a tendency towards taking his anger out on his family. One of the these characters is supernaturally spooky. The other is a something better suited for a serious drama and not a movie full of priests getting repeatedly slapsticked by Satan.

The Evil:

2005 version:

The house is the source of the evil influence and it can only affect those in its presence.

1979 version:

The house/land/something-or-other is possessed (kinda?)...possibly by Satan/ghosts/ancient ritual magics? What’s more, it can supernaturally fuck with whoever the hell it wants to and there’s really no escaping its wrath...sometimes. I spent a fair bit of this movie trying to work out just what exactly the limits of its powers were, but I’m still none the wiser. It seems to go from utterly unstoppable to utterly inept in the span of seconds. I have come to the conclusion that the movie was just poorly written and thus trying to make sense of it is a fool’s errand.

So in conclusion: This movie is pretty stupid and hopelessly dated. If you’ve encountered domestic abuse in your life then some of these scenes might make you a bit uncomfortable and bring back some bad memories, but all the Horror-genre elements of the movie are far from scary. However, if you find bricks slathered in red paint and the cultural horror that was the 1970s frightening? Then by all means, enjoy The Amityville Horror.

“Jesus Christ, it gets worse all the time.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Frankenstein (1931)

Day #19

Frankenstein

(1931)

A scientist is determined to prove his theory correct by bringing life to dead tissue. Now if only his dad and fiancée would leave him alone and stop pestering him about wedding stuff!

Fright Factor:

1 / 5  Ye Olde Mills

Gore Factor:

1 / 5  Reanimated-Corpse Collages

Should you watch it?

Old movies are often hard to properly review, because the art form has changed so much over the decades and they are trying to achieve vastly different things. When this movie came out the concept of a movie with sound was only 4 years old. And as such movies from this time period are often a crossbreed. They have the direction and over-the-top emoting of a silent movie, but with the plotting and dialogue of a stage play.

So with that in mind, Frankenstein is quite well done. Although be warned that it takes a lot of liberties with the source material and thank goodness for that! Personally, I find that book to be friggin’ ridiculous. The funny thing though is that more than the book, it’s the Frankenstein from these old movies that has established itself the most in the public consciousness. That raving maniac doctor, the square-headed monster with bolts in its neck? That wasn’t Shelley’s story, that was pure movie magic.

So, yeah, I think you should totally watch it sometime. It’s pretty short, it’s insanely iconic, and the pairing of Colin Crive as Dr. Frankenstein and Boris Karloff as the monster? Amazing.

“Dangerous? Poor old Waldman. Have you never wanted to do anything that was dangerous? Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond? Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud? And what changes the darkness into light? But if you talk like that, people call you crazy. Well, if I could discover just one of these things, what eternity is, for example, I wouldn’t care if they did think I was crazy.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: The Amityville Horror (2005)

Day #18

The Amityville Horror

(2005)

A family moves into a house where a brutal murder once took place, only to find out that it wasn't that an evil man once lived in their home, but that their home turns men evil.

Fright Factor:

2.2 / 5 Children on the Roof

Gore Factor:

3 / 5 Paranoid Nightmare Visions

Should I watch it?

Watching this movie is kind of like going out to a comfortable bar for drinks with some friends and then suddenly Ryan Reynolds is there and he’s putting the moves on you. On the one hand, you didn’t come to this club to be hit on by an increasingly drunk Ryan Reynolds, but on the other hand he keeps taking off his shirt and making you laugh by tweeting at children to tell them to go chop firewood for him. And yes, you probably should just get out of there, but darn it, you’re kind of curious how this night is gonna turn out.

In simpler terms: this is a film whose triumphs and failures are almost entirely hinged on a single casting choice.

I have seen Ryan Reynolds in way too many comedic roles for me to ever take him too seriously. Which means I could never take a lot of the movie too seriously; a not insignificant factor when it comes to achieving scares.

And yet watching Ryan Reynolds terrorize some children is simultaneously weirdly delightful and kind of unnerving. The whole point of the movie is that there’s this evil house that can pervert your nature to its will and turn you against those you love the most. So Reynolds’ performance—despite some inherent cheesiness—is often kind of secretly brilliant, because when he does cruel or mean things it actually does seem inherently against his character.

The result is that the movie oscillates wildly between standard 00’s horror, modern remake horror, and over-the-top-cheesy-good-fun horror. The inconsistency prevents me from saying that it’s a particularly amazing movie, but I’ve gotta give it credit, because I was thoroughly entertained throughout. Not always for the best of reasons, but entertained nevertheless.

At the end of the night, I think it would be a fun movie to watch with your go-to horror buddy. It’s kinda cheesy, kinda spooky, kinda clever, and kinda ridiculous.

And if nothing else: shirtless & ripped Ryan Reynolds telling off snotty-nosed kids.

“Houses don’t kill people. People kill people.”

31 Days of Spooky Movies: Ava's Possessions

Day #17

Ava’s Possessions

(2015)

When the demon possessing her is exorcised Ava awakens to find her life in shambles. Her friends are afraid of her, her family doesn’t know how to treat her anymore, and now she has to go a demonic possession support group in order for her to stay out of jail. And as if all that wasn’t enough, something happened that no one will tell her about, and getting to the bottom of it might just put her in more danger than the demon did.

Fright Factor:

1 / 5  Demonic Possessions

Gore Factor:

1 / 5 Rude Pimps

Should you watch it?

This could have been a really fun TV show, but instead settled on being a somewhat ramshackle movie. There’s all sorts of interesting plot elements and backstories and mysteries, yet somehow nothing manages to get any decent closure. If it had been a TV show this over abundance of content would have worked PERFECTLY! There would have been all sorts of great story arcs and drama and development, but instead we got this hot mess.

That being said, I still rather enjoyed watching it, because—in spite of its faults—it tried to do something new: a horror-twist on drug addiction and recovery wherein demonic possession serves as the stand-in.

Not to mention Louisa Krause does a great job as the lead, the film has an enjoyably quirky sense of style and some surprisingly nice effects considering the budget, and the choice to cast Carol Kane as the slightly eccentric owner of an occult shop? Brilliant.

I’m glad I watched it, but all in all the story was just too messy and ill-suited to its medium to make me want to casually recommend it to anyone.

“Hi, Ava.”

“Hi, mom. I told you to call first.”

“You’re not supposed to be drinking.”

“Haven’t you heard? I can handle my spirits.”

“Oh, you think it’s funny?”

“What are you? Some kind of expert? How can you know what this has been like for me?”

“I just know, okay?”