For the Love of God, Call Me Back!

*You have -1- new message* *beep*

        "Hey, Jesse, this is your relative. If you could give me a call back at 555-555-5555 I'd really appreciate it. Well...I've got a couple things so if you could call me to let me know that you've gotten my message that'd be great. Umm...well I've got some really old postcards and I was wondering if you wanted them. You could sell them on eBay or something...take the bigger cut. Yeah...if you could call me back? Well yeah, so call me back please."

*beep*

Wow...that might actually be important considering how she stressed the calling her back part.

        "Hey, relative. This is Jesse. You told me to call you back?"
        "Oh yes, hi. I have some antique postcards and was wondering if you wanted them to sell on ebay or something."
        "Well if you give me a bunch of postcards I'm probably just going to send them to people."
        "...I don't think you're understanding me. These are antique postcards."
        "No I got that. I just don't do 'antiques'. Plus I'd have to set up an eBay account and it'd be a big hassle."
        "Oh, okay. I just figured I'd ask. Okay, well I'll talk to you later."
        "Alright. Bye"
        "Bye."

Hmmm...I wonder how much an antique postcard actually costs. eBay...eBay...eBay. Okay, it seems that on the high end they are selling for about $10...and on the low end $0-2. Well I suppose with enough postcards you could net a fair profit from that.

But, I guess it wouldn't be instant profit. I mean I'd have to make an eBay account, figure out how to sell things, catalog an entire box of postcards, and then create a listing for each one. Then once the sales were over I'd have to confirm payment for each one, get all their address, make sure I know which ones are going where, and then mail them all off. Plus is something went wrong in shipping I'd have to deal with that.

So...the profit I'd be making would be...probably less than minimum wage. Yeah. I'd rather just send them to people. It costs me 28c, but they can make someone's day. That seems worth it.

Big Companies Hate English

          "Deposit slips, deposit slips...oh, there they are. Let's see here. Cash? $0. Checks? $360. Subtotal? $360. Minus cash received? What? Minus cash received. Am I supposed to put the amount I want back here or am I just supposed to minus that amount from the subtotal? Minus cash received...I can't really think of another way to read that. Ok, so if I minus the cash I want back I get $340. Total? $340."


        "Hello. How may I help you?"
        "Hi, I'd like to make a deposit please."
        "Alrighty. Ummm, how much did you want to deposit?"
        "340 dollars."
        "Then 20 dollars cash back?"
        "Yep."
        "It's just that you put the wrong amount on here."
        "What? I was just doing what the slip said. It said 'Minus cash received', so I subtracted the cash I wanted back from the total."
        "Don't worry about it. It is a simple mistake, I'll fix it for you."
        "Wait, why are you acting like this is my fault? This is the bank's fault, not mine. I mean why would they let something like that be put on hundreds of thousands of deposit slips when it doesn't make any sense?"
        "It says here you don't have a savings account with us. Would you like to open one?"
        "...What? I have my savings at another bank. I told you that the last time I was here."
        "Well if you were to open one with us we could offer you free online bill pay, along with many other services."
        "...Why on Earth would I want to trust my savings with a bank that doesn't even know how to properly use English? Plus your interest rates here aren't competitive enough for me to want to switch."
        "Sir, is that a crack at me because I'm Hispanic?"
        "What? No! It's because of the deposit slips!"
        "If you were to start a savings account with us you could-"
        "Please, I just want to make my deposit. Please?"
        "Here is your receipt and here is your cash back."
        "Thank you."
        "Is there anything else I can do for you today?"
        "No. Thanks. You've already done enough."

Job Skills: Fashion Writer

I was talking with a friend today and the subject of fashion writers came up. You know, those people who write little stories/descriptions for various clothes and what not. Clearly I had to test my writing mettle on this new platform. The article of clothing was decided to be a floral tunic.

"Underneath the maypole your floral tunic enhances your twirls and spins into a fetching fervor of flowers. I don't know what a tunic is, but clearly this one is well made...and quite comfortable. Everyone is here to celebrate spring, but mother nature has a contender this year."

It would seem my lack of fashion knowledge is a severe handicap in this line of work. Who would have thought?

I'm On The Case

It's been awhile since I've updated, but don't be worried. I'm working on a neat project. I can, however, give you the next best thing to content: other people's content. Hooray!
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+If any of you are looking for something to watch I suggest you check out August 11th's episode of The Daily Show. It's over on Hulu. As great as that show always is, they were firing on all cylinders yesterday. Plus there's a truly great bit with Larry Wilmore. Oh, and the guest, Austan Goolsbee, is actually capable of talking economics in a simple and understandable way.

+The cutest thing ever in comic form: Part 1 & Part 2

+I've just watched this video and it had me laughing out loud. Simply titled, "Girlfriend Doesn't Realize Boyfriend is on Vacation".

+ If anyone is looking to expand their list of webcomics, might I suggest "The Meek". It is full page story style, instead of strip style. Plus it isn't just gorgeous to look at, it's also got a story and characters that are a lot of fun. They just finished the first chapter so now is the perfect time to hop aboard the meek train. A word of warning, the main character is naked...which seems odd at first, but actually works for the story. So go figure.

Talk to you all later.

P.S. The Ames Lettering Guide is such a sweet tool. I highly recommend it for all your lettering needs.

Was I Wrong? Maaaaaybe

     Recently I got this comment on my tirade about simile and metaphor:

isn't a simile considered to be a type of metaphor.... at least that's what i remember from my poetry class.

I did a basic google search and a couple sites said that a simile was indeed a type of metaphor, but I don't really see any of them as any sort of definitive source. For instance copyblogger.com and dailywritingtips.com both hold this to be true, but I'd hardly call such sites esteemed sources. To solve this dilemma I figured I'd just go ask someone who's answer I would actually care about: Adam Bradley. This also gave me an excuse to tell him how his book is awesome. If you've never read "Book of Rhymes: The Poetics of Hip Hip" I highly recommend it. Even if you don't like rap music, it'll make you look at it in a different light. Even if it still isn't your thing, it's always better to at least hold some respect for it and the people who do it, don't you think? Anyway, here is how Adam Bradley answered my question:

From a formal standpoint, the two rely upon a similar mental process (describing A by comparing it or otherwise associating it with B). That said, I wouldn't go so far as to say that simile is a type of metaphor. Rather, they both belong to a certain species of figurative language that also includes other figures like metonymy. So while your friend is right in suggesting that they aren't nearly as distinct from one another as our high school teachers would have us believe, they still have a difference that is worth respecting. To me, metaphors often have a more abstract quality to them--they require, after all, not just accepting that one thing is like another thing, but that one thing IS another thing. It's fun to tease the stuff out.

      Do I have a definitive answer? With different people telling me different things, I do not. What I do have, however, is what I wanted: clarification.

Moral: Similes and metaphors have an important difference that is worth mentioning. That, if anything, both similes and metaphors belong to a higher order of classification: figurative language.

Moral #2: Jesse spends way too much time putting research into his dumb blog entries.

Pop Goes the Snack

An Ode to Popcorn
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Behold the gentle kernel,
grazing on the plains,
the heat did rise,
then it dies,
and I salt all the remains.

Color Phrases

        I recently got it into my head to try fitting color words into normal phrases. Turns out you get some strange results.

"always aGREE Not to say goodbye"

"like toFU, SCHIAparelli's designs are bland"

"real men never YELL 'OW'"

"when fishinG OLDEN RODs are best"

"after supPER I WINK, LEtting her know I caRE. Damn my muteness!"

        While trying to come up with something for Fuschia, I came across the word "Chiasma". Apparently it is the point of contact between paired chromatids during meiosis where genetic material is exchanged. Which means that if I ever meet a biologist I've got a pick up line.

        "Hey baby, how about we make like chromatids during the prophase of meiosis and make a chiasma?"

        Actually I would never say that, but someone should. Someone should!