Haikus: Love, Sex, and Heartache

Am I attractive?
Women always tell me so,
then again...moms lie...

Hello there ladies,
My package is kind of small,
but my heart's real big.

Pick-up lines are hard,
but so is my erection.
Let's go for coffee.

Innie or outie?
You mean my belly-button
or my genitals?

"You smell really good".
Did I just say that out loud?
"Such pretty eyes"...shit.

Excuse me...miss...miss?
Your laugh made my heart flutter.
...I think it likes you.

Set my heart aflame.
Just not like Temple of Doom.
...that part freaks me out.

Maybe I'm no good.
Maybe he lost my number?
Why won't he just call?

Your smile makes me smile,
so I don't want to forget,
when you smiled for me.

Yes, I'm over you.
Yes, you can date my brother.
...you're both dead to me.

You look beautiful.
You always look beautiful.
How could you not know?

Teeth Marks

        I think something bit me last night. My finger itches. Illuminated by my scratching, glowing white through the red, are two little sets of the same tiny bumps. But where on Earth did they come from? The remnants of some late night battle? Perhaps.


       Two spiders walk across the landscape of a slumbering giant. While not the most ideal path, it is the quickest. You couldn't tell from their movements that they were scared. To any observer it was just the same clamorous cacophony of legs which spiders exhibit. But they were scared. If they knew how to skulk back and slowly tip toe across this beast, trembling all the while, they would, but they didn't.
       Suddenly there is only one spider. The other has left to go investigate the great boulder which is the creature's head. It had been warned of the dangers, but it didn't care. It wanted to see what the fuss was about. The spider and the giant are face to face. The spider turns and calls to its brother, with hubris painted over its face it laughs.
       The impossible quiet of the laugh slips through the air before slowly echoing down a cavernous pit of an ear canal. And something wakes up. While the conscious mind is distracted by colors and lights of a dream, the lumbering subconscious rears forth like a lightening strike and the spider disappears down its gullet in a shower of chitin. In a rumble even lower and ever quieter than the spider's, the monstrous subconscious laughs last.
       The remaining spider is left to comprehend what has just occurred. The sight of its brother's demise searing into its memory 8 times over from 8 different angles. Why was he gone? What did he do to deserve such a thing! The spider lashes out and bites the closest piece of the giant. It bites down again and stops. If it knew how to cry it would, but it didn't. Just like it didn't know how to hang its head and slowly shuffle off.
       A single spider scuttles over the edge of slumbering giant and disappears.

       I think something bit me last night.

Letter Extravaganza '09: Part 4

      It's time for a new batch of letters! I'm happy to report that this batch puts me over the 50% hump and on my way into the home stretch. Hard to imagine that there are only 3 more batches until I'm done. Truthfully I'm looking forward to it. Not because I'm not enjoying writing letters, but just because I feel kind of bad for taking my sweet ass time writing them.
      I'm sorry! I'll get back to work on the next batch right away.


16.


17.

18.

19.

20.

Unicorns Vs. Narwhals (#17 even though I forgot to number that one *cough*) is copyright Adrian Molina and his outstanding animated short can be seen here. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (#20) was written by Lewis Carroll; its copyright has expired, but credit where credit is due.

Napkin Doodles

It'll still be a little bit before I finish up the newest batch of envelopes, so here's a napkin doodle to tide you over for now.

Okay back to work.

Needed: Partner in Inevitable Zombie War

      Let's face it, soon enough hell will run out of room and the dead will begin to walk the Earth. While most of humanity will be taken by surprise and promptly eaten, I plan to be prepared. And there's nothing better to have during a zombie apocalypse than a true partner.

     Someone to talk to, thus avoiding the need to befriend volley balls and mannequins. Someone to keep lookout while I raid the grocery store. And most importantly someone to shoot me in the face if I happen to become infected.

     Must be able to run when necessary; when a hoard of zombie children come swarming out of the Chuck-E-Cheese, with their hunger for tickets turned to brains, we gotta be ready to book it double-time. Of course there are exceptions as the ability to crush a man's skull with minimal effort or tear off someone's arm and bludgeon them to death with it, could certainly come in handy.

     But seriously, you gotta be able to shoot me in the face if the need arises.

There's a Chupacabra in My Yard, George Clooney

Dear George Clooney,

      My name's JC. How are you today? I was just sitting here by my lonesome and I figured, why not see how my favorite movie star is doing. I...

     Did you hear that?...I thought I heard something outside. Hmmm...oh well.

     Anyways I'm a big fan of your movies. And that's saying something, because the only thing I enjoy more than movies is raising goats.

     Okay, what the heck was that? Is someone on my lawn?

     I'm probably just overreacting. The night will play tricks on you sometimes, eh Mr. Clooney? Silly how easy it is to let the unknown get the better of you, huh? I mean any rational person wouldn't give in to, SWEET BABY JESUS! What the hell was that? Okay, there was some freaky thing looking at me through the window. Oh jeez. Oh jeeeeeez. Deep breaths, JC. Deeeep breaths.

In.

Then out.

In.

Then out.

      Okay. It was probably just some ordinary peeping tom. Just some ordinary, run-of-the-mill voyeuristic peeping tom. Just some normal pervert. A perfectly normal pervert with huge pointy teeth and the cold dead eyes of Lucifer. I'm sure you get those all the time. In any case, I'll be right back I'm just gonna go close the shades. I mean, it never hurts to err on the side of caution, am I right?

     Oh dear lord, MY GOATS! Oooooooo, my precious goats. Oh God, they're all over the lawn. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Oh, Nibbles. Bleaty! Tin Can Tom!! Marky, you're still alive...son of a bi- you're eating my roses again! Dangit, Marky. I must've told you a million times to stay out of there! But this isn't the time for that. Oh, Marky. Sweet, sweet, Marky...where's your head?

     WHERE IS YOUR FREAKING HEAD!?

     Oh, there it is! That perverted monster is eating it. It's eating Marky's head! You piece of shit! Oh, and it saw me...ducking down now. Maybe if I turn off the lights it'll think I've gone away. Yup, nobody here. Just an old dark house. Safe inside the dark house.

     Unless it can smell me. Oh crap, I probably reek of goats! Damn those goats. I should have listened to the people that thought raising goats was a bad idea. Why didn't I listen to them? Damn, this goat-loving pride! Okay, so I'll burn my clothes. Yes! Burn them and their goaty odor!

     Sitting behind the couch in my skivvies now. Nothing weird about that, eh Mr. Clooney? Perfectly normal. Got my clothes burning away nicely. Got my kitchen knife in reach. Goats are all outside. Even their insides are outside. Ha ha. Yes, nice. Laughter. Laughter is my friend. And you...

        You're my friend. Right?

It's Question Time

The new year is here and what better time than now to answer some questions you might have about Excuse The Quality. So here it is:

"Excuse The Quality":
Question Corner

1. Why is the site called "Excuse the Quality"?

       You might think I was intelligent enough to know the meaning of the popular expression by the same name, but you would have thought wrong. When I came up with it I was thinking more along the lines of a sarcastic "Please excuse me for being so awesome", instead of "Please excuse my lack of quality". Clearly my thought process makes for the more interesting title, but what can ya do.

2. How many people read this thing?

       That's a good question. I have no clue. Less than 5?

3. Why do you take so long to update?

       I don't know. Why do you take so long to shut up?

       Actually it is because I can be both lazy and self deprecating. Both things tend to hinder the creative juices.

4. Why do you use a lame pre-made blog format?

       I am too lazy to want to take the time to make anything/learn how to make anything nicer. Plus if I had something nicer I'd probably feel the need to make my posts nicer. The pressure to do so would then make me fearful. And the fear would subsequently lead me to posting even less.

       At least that's the rationale I've been using.

5. Any New Year's resolutions?

       Get better at everything.