Sunday, April 4, 2010

Snowbeard, Part 1: The King's New Mirror

        Once upon a time in a land far away there was a kingdom of dwarves. They were ruled over by King Heinrich Bottom and the only dwarf he cared about was Heinrich Bottom. He loved himself so much that he spent most of his time looking in the mirror. He would use his mirrors so much that they'd wear out. No one could go through mirrors faster than him.
        It was a pleasant spring day and King Heinrich had just unwrapped his newest mirror. This particular mirror wasn't an ordinary mirror. This mirror was magical. So magical, in fact, that it was greatly over priced. However, things like that don't matter when you're King. He took the mirror up to his room to give it a test run:
“Mirror, Mirror, you must agree,
There is no dwarf more beautiful than me.”

        The Mirror replied:
“Actually, sir, I must confess,
It’s Snowbeard’s ass that I’d rather caress.”

        Heinrich's mouth dropped. He was shocked, after all Kings aren't used to hearing the truth. But you know how it is with a new mirror, they've always got a few kinks in them. Plus he had never even heard of this Snow...Beered. He decided to press the issue:
“Mirror, surely it is my buns of steel,
That you would rather cop a feel.”

        The Mirror replied dreamily:
“Snowbeard’s sculpted body and sexy beard,
Leave you looking rather weird.”

        That was the last straw, Heinrich had heard enough. No one made him look bad and got away with it. No one!
        “Minerson!” Heinrich bellowed, his face turning bright red with rage.
        The door to the King's room burst open as a particularly short bespectacled dwarf scrambled inside.
        “What...can I do...for you, sir?” Minerson huffed as he tried to catch his breath. He really wasn't paid enough to put up with these sorts of shenanigans.
        “I've recently been informed of a...treasonous individual who is subtly subverting my power. His name is Snow Beered or something like that. I need him...taken care of,” Heinrich said through an oozing sneer.
        “What exactly is his crime again, sir?” Minerson asked. It was a risky question, but he was nothing if not thorough. After all he was the one that always got stuck doing all the paperwork.
        “Treason!” Heinrich bellowed. “How many times do I have to say it? The law strictly prohibits people from going around looking better than the ruler. That's how 'equality' starts.” Heinrich spat.
        “I shall see to it immediately, sir.”
        In actuality there wasn't a law even remotely similar to the one the King was citing, well there was one, but it really only applied to moles and Minerson had pushed his luck enough for one day. He took a moment to enjoy a good sigh then set off to find this Snow Beered fellow and, with any luck, the King will have forgotten about it in the meantime. Minerson didn't much care for murder, though much to his surprise the job of a King's personal assistant involves an awful lot of it. If it came to that he'd probably just pass off the messy bits to the local authorities. That's, kind of, what they were there for, hopefully. He'd have to double check that one.

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