Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Snowbeard, Part 3: Home Invasion

        After walking for what seemed like forever, Snowbeard came across a farm. It was the first house she had seen since leaving Tumorwerst. She was nearly out of food and her whiskey rations were running low so she decided to check it out. She knocked on the front door, but no one answered. Since, technically, no one had told her she couldn't come in she decided that no one would tell her not to break down the door, so she did just that.
        She stepped through the pile of splinters that had once been a door and into a most peculiar abode. Everything inside seemed to have been built on a larger scale. It was as if some fashion senseless giant had built a house. Snowbeard was too tired and too hungry to put too much thought into the strange house and instead went looking for where the food was kept.
        The next morning, a tall gangly man by the name of Jeff Bucket was walking up the dirt road to his home pulling an empty cart behind him. He was a farmer by trade and had just taken a trip to town to sell some of his crops. When he arrived at his front door he was shocked to find he no longer had a front door: it had been transformed into a simple pile of disjointed wood. He was too tired to be bothered by the matter and decided that a wizard must have done it. Everyone knows wizards love transforming things. He'd get to work on a new door later, for the moment all he wanted to do was have a bite to eat and put his feet up.
        When he got to the kitchen he found all his cupboards were open and their contents strewn about. Pots and pans, peels and pits were all over the place. His current lack of a door must have let in all sorts of wild beasts and monsters. They were usually satisfied to just ravage his crops, but clearly they weren't the types to turn down an opportunity. Stupid wizards.
        Jeff would just have to add that to the growing list of things he'd have to do today. At the moment he was more concerned with putting his feet up and possibly taking a nap. He shuffled towards his bedroom, kicking his shoes off as he went. He reached the entry way to his bedroom and stopped. There was somone sleeping in his bed. And they were still there!
        A dwarf with a beautiful snowy beard lay asleep atop of his bed. A thin strand of drool hanging from her lips, glistening. She turned over and started to snore a very loud, although very ladylike, snore.
        “What the hell!” Jeff exclaimed with a nasally tone annoyance. This day was just becoming much too weird. “Who the heck are you!”
        The dwarf's eyelids, with great effort, managed to to rise to a halfway position.
        “Oh, hi,” it mumbled as it gave him a quick nod before closing her eyes and turning over again.
        “What are you doing in my house!” Jeff shouted, getting more and more distressed by the events of the day.
        “I'm trying to sleep,” the annoyed dwarf replied without bothering to turn over to look at him. “If you'd be so kind as to perhaps go outside if you plan on doing any more shouting?”
        “How did you get in here?”
        “I knocked on the door, then I knocked the door down, then I came in.”
        “But...this is my house!”
        “Well you never told me not to.”
        “I even left a note,” it said. “In the kitchen?”
        Jeff went to the kitchen and lying amongst the mess on the counter was a piece of paper. It read:
            “Dear Whoever,
                Thank you for having a house here. I am kind of sorry about the mess.

                  P.S. You should probably get a new door. Safety first ♥”

        In his excited state Jeff was having a hard time finding the flaws in Snowbeard's arguments. She had left a note after all. Snowbeard decided that even though she had been more than polite she was going to need to have a talk with this bizarre looking fellow; otherwise she'd never get back to sleep.
        Despite their rather odd introduction Snowbeard and Jeff soon became good friends. Jeff continued to work the farm and Snow Beard protected them from the usual assortment of thieves and monstrous creatures that are always roaming about in fantastical lands. For her the job provided the much needed excitement that was lacking from her previous job as a miner. For him the situation not only gave him some nice company, but also fixed his newly discovered home security issues. It was a pretty sweet set-up all around. Except, of course, for those responsible for bringing forth Snowbeard's untimely demise.

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